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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Oct 13, 2011
DEAR ABBY: I have two sons, 19 and 12. My younger boy has a rare form of kidney disease. His kidney function is currently normal, but his doctor says that in the future he may need a new kidney. At that point, his brother would be high on the list for compatibility and availability. I, sadly, would not.

How does one mention the possibility of being a donor to his older brother? Is it even fair to ask? If he doesn't offer, would I always resent it? Should we wait until there is a real need before asking?-- PLANNING AHEAD IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR PLANNING AHEAD: All families are different, and it's a credit to yours that you're thinking ahead regarding some of the difficult aspects related to donation. This subject can sometimes be fraught with the potential for perceived coercion. It can be offset by not framing it as a "request" from one family member, but as a general family discussion about the loved one's health situation.

Among the issues that should be raised: What does it mean for your younger son to have this rare kidney disease? What's the survival rate for an adolescent who receives a living donor transplant? What is involved in the donation process?

These questions should be raised as a family in conversation with a physician or other members of the kidney care team. Family members can then talk about how they feel about the issue, not as a response to a direct question. This provides a chance for better education about the condition as well as the process, and reduces fear.

The decision to be a living donor is a voluntary one and should be entered into free of pressure. Some people may not want to take the risk -- and their rights should be respected. The evaluation process is very thorough. It's designed to minimize risk and also can uncover unexpected conditions in the potential donor that are important.

The National Kidney Foundation provides information on its website regarding this subject. Visit kidney.org to learn more.

DEAR ABBY: I share a small office space with a co-worker, "Tammy," who is going through a nasty divorce. At first I tried to be supportive and listen to her problems, but now I think it was a mistake. I now dread going to work because I know I'll have to 1isten to a litany of complaints as soon as I walk through the door.

I have tried to encourage Tammy to talk to a priest or a psychologist, but she refuses because she's embarrassed. Is it time to inform our manager? I don't want to get Tammy in trouble, but I feel I'm incapable of giving her the kind of support she seems to need. I'm not sure how much longer I can take this. Please help.-- WELL-INTENTIONED IN MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR WELL-INTENTIONED: Summon up the courage to tell Tammy that although you care about her, you can no longer listen to her problems because it's distracting you from your responsibilities at work. Explain again that these are issues she should be sharing with a trained professional. If she persists in bringing her personal problems to you, then ask your manager to put a stop to it.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#2 Oct 13, 2011
The medical people who work with living donors are well aware of emotional coercion. There is always a confidential examination and an interview. If the donor is coerced or even just reluctant, the docs find a "medical" reason they can't donate.
In IL or WI maybe 15 years ago, a second wife's child age 8 or 9 was a possible donor match for bone marrow of an older step sib with something awful ,leukemia or something like that. Second mom would not let her child go through the testing to see if he could be a donor. Step sib took her to court. Second mom won

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Oct 13, 2011
Blah.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#4 Oct 13, 2011
PEllen wrote:
In IL or WI maybe 15 years ago, a second wife's child age 8 or 9 was a possible donor match for bone marrow of an older step sib with something awful ,leukemia or something like that. Second mom would not let her child go through the testing to see if he could be a donor. Step sib took her to court. Second mom won
I'm surprised that even made it to court. I would toss that out without a second thought.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#5 Oct 13, 2011
PEllen wrote:
The medical people who work with living donors are well aware of emotional coercion. There is always a confidential examination and an interview. If the donor is coerced or even just reluctant, the docs find a "medical" reason they can't donate.
In IL or WI maybe 15 years ago, a second wife's child age 8 or 9 was a possible donor match for bone marrow of an older step sib with something awful ,leukemia or something like that. Second mom would not let her child go through the testing to see if he could be a donor. Step sib took her to court. Second mom won
somewhere in there is a father with no spine or say.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#6 Oct 13, 2011
LW2: Don't inform the manager. Just tell her you don't have the time to give her all the help she need.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#7 Oct 13, 2011
needS

Since: Jun 09

Bolingbrook, IL

#8 Oct 13, 2011
LW1: Sadly, this letter could have been written by me. I am in need of a kidney transplant, I am currently on the deceased donor waiting list. My parents were tested to be donors but both failed testing. I do have a younger sister. However, she lives several states away and has a very young child. So while it would be wonderful if she were to volunteer to start the testing, I can understand why she is not. She may also feel that she wants to save her kidney in the event that her daughter may need it someday. Again, I totally understand.

While dialysis does suck beyond belief, I would never try to coerce someone into being a donor. Like PEllen said, the transplant teams can see through that pretty easily and will reject a donor based on that alone.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#9 Oct 13, 2011
cattlekid wrote:
LW1: Sadly, this letter could have been written by me. I am in need of a kidney transplant, I am currently on the deceased donor waiting list. My parents were tested to be donors but both failed testing. I do have a younger sister. However, she lives several states away and has a very young child. So while it would be wonderful if she were to volunteer to start the testing, I can understand why she is not. She may also feel that she wants to save her kidney in the event that her daughter may need it someday. Again, I totally understand.
While dialysis does suck beyond belief, I would never try to coerce someone into being a donor. Like PEllen said, the transplant teams can see through that pretty easily and will reject a donor based on that alone.
I've offered my kidney to two different unrelated people, but both found matches from family members. I feel need to keep both kidneys.

My blood type is O positive. If you are, too, we can talk.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#10 Oct 13, 2011
I feel ZERO need to keep both kidneys, I meant to type.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Brooklyn, NY

#11 Oct 13, 2011
1- uh, wait. The younger boy has the affliction and he's gonna donate his kidney to his older brother? Is this a typo? Anyway, I'm sure there are resources to help you discuss this. Ask the doctor.

2- Politely tell her you're sick if hearing about it already and to kindly shut her yap.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#12 Oct 13, 2011
LW1: Don't you think your older son might have ruminated on this all by himself?

LW2: No Employee Assistance Program at your work?'Cause that's our standard recommendation.

These letters are like the weather today...blech.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#13 Oct 13, 2011
I don't know, Red. I don't thik I would be willing to give up a kidney. But it's a tough call when it's a family member who is this type of predicament.
I'd donate bone marrow though, no problem.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Brooklyn, NY

#14 Oct 13, 2011
Yeah, it's a nice gesture, but a kidney isn't like a box of old clothes you give away because you don't need it anymore. We were born with two kidneys for a reason. Giving one up can lead to heath issues and drastically shorten your lifespan. Most people would be hardpressed to give one up to a close family member, let alone a complete stranger.
Sam I Am

Schaumburg, IL

#15 Oct 13, 2011
1. It's your family. Wait a few years until he's a bit more mature, then explain the situation, tell him he is one of many possibilities to open the door, see how he reacts and go from there.

2. Tammy, I have given you all that I can. If you need further advice please see a professional since anything else I have to say will be a bad recitation of Frazier Crane.
Sam I Am

Schaumburg, IL

#16 Oct 13, 2011
edogxxx wrote:
Yeah, it's a nice gesture, but a kidney isn't like a box of old clothes you give away because you don't need it anymore. We were born with two kidneys for a reason. Giving one up can lead to heath issues and drastically shorten your lifespan. Most people would be hardpressed to give one up to a close family member, let alone a complete stranger.
You are such an ignorant, foot-in-the-mouth dipshit. You have absolutely NO CLUE what you are talking about.

"According to the Cleveland Clinic, kidney donors are at no greater risk for future health problems than those with two kidneys. Kidney donation also does not change life expectancy for the donors."

Took me 4 seconds to find that.

Conclusion from this:

http://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMoa08...

"Survival and the risk of ESRD in carefully screened kidney donors appear to be similar to those in the general population. Most donors who were studied had a preserved GFR, normal albumin excretion, and an excellent quality of life."

That was 9 seconds.

And this from the Mayo Clinic:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/kidney-donat...

Research has shown that there's little long-term risk for kidney donation, provided you're carefully screened before becoming a donor.

Phew, that was another 10 seconds. This educating yourself is a real burden.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#17 Oct 13, 2011
L1: "How does one mention the possibility of being a donor to his older brother? Is it even fair to ask? If he doesn't offer, would I always resent it? Should we wait until there is a real need before asking?"

Is the older brother completely in the dark about his younger brother's condition? I think that's wrong, donation aside. He should know what's going on. It's definitely fair to fill the older brother in and let him know that being tested for donation is a possibility (which isn't the same thing as asking him to do it). If he didn't want to do it, I'm sure it would be difficult. But not as difficult as if you never even told him because then you'd always wonder. And finally, no, I wouldn't wait, I'd tell him now. He's 19, he's an adult and you don't want to wait until the younger son is in a dire situation before making plans (duh).

This reminds me of the book (and movie) My Sister's Keeper. BTW, the book and the movie have two completely different endings. I recommend the book.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Brooklyn, NY

#18 Oct 13, 2011
Sam I Am wrote:
<quoted text>
You are such an ignorant, foot-in-the-mouth dipshit. You have absolutely NO CLUE what you are talking about.
"According to the Cleveland Clinic, kidney donors are at no greater risk for future health problems than those with two kidneys. Kidney donation also does not change life expectancy for the donors."
Took me 4 seconds to find that.
Conclusion from this:
http://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMoa08...
"Survival and the risk of ESRD in carefully screened kidney donors appear to be similar to those in the general population. Most donors who were studied had a preserved GFR, normal albumin excretion, and an excellent quality of life."
That was 9 seconds.
And this from the Mayo Clinic:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/kidney-donat...
Research has shown that there's little long-term risk for kidney donation, provided you're carefully screened before becoming a donor.
Phew, that was another 10 seconds. This educating yourself is a real burden.
I don't buy those BS links for one second! FAIL!
YOU are the ignorant dipsht! Try doing some actual research instead of relying on wikipedia.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#19 Oct 13, 2011
Sam I Am wrote:
<quoted text>

Phew, that was another 10 seconds. This educating yourself is a real burden.
Ha!

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#20 Oct 13, 2011
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I don't buy those BS links for one second! FAIL!
YOU are the ignorant dipsht! Try doing some actual research instead of relying on wikipedia.
O...M...G!!

Your references, when your deign to provide them, are from specious sources and conspiracy theory sites. Sam posts info from THE MAYO CLINIC and you cast aspersions on it. Really dude? Really!

<where the HELL is the "idiot" button on this thing?>

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