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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Feb 21, 2014
DEAR AMY: In my childhood my mother's terrible temper would be turned on me and/or my sister and she would be verbally and physically abusive. She tends to bottle up all her anger and then explode into a temper tantrum that can last for hours.

My father just goes into "ignore" mode until she calms down. I don't think my parents consider her behavior abusive. I now have a family of my own and have chosen a much different way of running my household because of my mother's behavior.

My sister is in her late 20s and has been living at home (way past her welcome) for several reasons.

In the last couple of weeks, my sister has called me twice (I don't live nearby) to tell me that mom has attacked her physically. The most recent episode seems to be worse than before and my sister went to stay at her boyfriend's house, but this is a temporary solution.

My husband will not stand for our son to see her fly into a rage. I agree with him that if she has a tantrum while we are visiting, we will have to leave. He thinks that I need to give her a fair warning, but I'm nervous about discussing her anger with her.

I would like to maintain a decent relationship with my parents. However, I feel like my mother needs to get professional help to deal with her stress and anger. I just don't know how to start that conversation with her.-- Anonymous

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Make sure your sister is in a safe place. She needs to move out. Understand that when you stand up to your mother, she will lash out against you, or another family member. Stay calm.

You should say to her, "Mom, your temper is out of hand. I have been afraid to confront you about this in the past, but you need professional help." List a couple of examples of behavior that is irrefutable and out-of-bounds. Connect her with a local counseling center. I also wonder if your father is OK. You should find out.

After this, tell her that because of the impact on your family, you will leave her house when she erupts. This seems a natural consequence of her bullying, and it is about time she faced it.

DEAR AMY: I was friends with "Christa" for about 15 years. We were not close but I considered us "friends." We worked together and saw each other occasionally socially. I always enjoyed her and her husband. We invited them to our daughter's wedding.

Many years later, when their daughter was married (last spring), we were not invited. We were very hurt, but eventually I accepted that they did not think of us as friends and did not care if it hurt our feelings to be excluded.

Now we find ourselves invited to a small dinner party where they will be guests.

I don't know what to do. Should we go and pretend that everything is fine, or should we skip the party and other events because it is difficult to socialize with them after this obvious slight? Is there another way to look at this?-- Puzzled and Hurt

DEAR PUZZLED: Another way to look at this is to see these friends as "friends" (i.e. fond acquaintances). Some people invite "friends" to weddings but some don't, certainly if they have become more distant over time.

Don't let this cramp your social style. Don't "pretend" that everything is fine and then go to this party. Make sure everything is fine (by accepting this choice and not taking it too personally, even if you don't understand it) and then go to the party.

DEAR AMY: The letter from "Screaming Meanie" hit home. When my husband finally went to have his hearing checked it was after years of frustration and accusations that I (and others) were "mumbling." It was too late to recover all of his hearing but hearing aids have definitely transformed his (and my) life.-- Grateful Spouse

DEAR SPOUSE: We aging baby boomers have to understand that hours of exposure to Led Zeppelin has a potential long-term downside: hearing loss.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#2 Feb 21, 2014
1- You and your sister are adults. You should have figured out how to handle your mother by now. Your father figured it out. Try ignoring her and see how that goes.

2- Go and pretend that everything is fine. If they can afford to, people usually invite whomever they can for the money and gifts. But maybe they just had a small wedding. The world is not out to get you, stop acting that way.

3- My friends tease me for wearing ear plugs to concerts. Yeah, well, I'll be teasing them when they're deaf at 40

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Feb 21, 2014
1 ..... This seems a natural consequence of her bullying, and it is about time she faced it.

Bullying? No lamy, its physical abuse, dont sugar coat it just because its a woman. Sheesh, you as predictable as a liberal.

2 Wow, you have major issues lady. Maybe they had a destination wedding, or a tiny one based upon budget. Either way, you are the one with the stick up your but.

3 I have tinnitus, cant hear certain tones at all, kinda creepy to see mouths moving but no sound coming out.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#4 Feb 21, 2014
1. Temper tantrums represent a loss of control. Bullring is a rational but perverse activity. Two different things. At your parent's house someone is going to get hurt. Make sure all visits happen at their house so you can leave. Much easier than trying to throw her out of your place.

Do what you can to help your sister leave since it is long past her welcome and has now become dangerous.

2. It's about me me ME. Small wedding, close friends, you didn't have to send a gift to a couple you don't now. Bet you keep a tally of whose house you visited last and whether they have reciprocated enough.

3. Obamacare has made hearing aid coverage mandatory

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#5 Feb 21, 2014
Lw2: She should skip he dinner. Cause she sounds like an annoying pita. I can think of 2 people who were at my wedding who did not invite me to theirs. Relatoonships change. People have different size wedongs and budgets. All things are not equal. This is not tit for tat. Those 2 that I mentioned, I still see them now and then. Have been to their homes. But times change and yoir circle of friends evolve.
That being said, this situation is even further removed. This was not your friend's wedding. It was her daughter's. So your friend does not get cart blanche to invite whoever she wants. And it was YEARS after your daughter's wedding. Do YOU have any relationship with your friend's daughter? No? Then why would you think you are A-list at her wedding?

Go back to your scorecard of life and draw a big L across the whole thing, loser.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#6 Feb 21, 2014
LW1: I almost fell asleep reading that letter … it was so boring.

I’m sure telling her you think she needs to go on meds and needs professional help will go over really well. There will be a sparkle in her eye, she will of course agree, and you will all live happily ever after.

Maybe your sister should quit being a loser and just move out of mommy and daddy’s house.

LW2: Go back and re-read your letter. Pay particular attention to the point in the letter where you say “We were not close.” Then, stop and think about how ridiculous you sound for being so upset about not being invited to a daughter’s wedding of someone you are not even close with.

Also, consider that maybe their daughter and her future husband made the guest list and only allotted their parents’ so many guests of their choice and that you “not being close” didn’t make the cut.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#7 Feb 21, 2014
PEllen wrote:
3. Obamacare has made hearing aid coverage mandatory
As well as making men pay for prenatal care

Man I can't wait til we repeal this utter failure of a law

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#8 Feb 21, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
As well as making men pay for prenatal care
Man I can't wait til we repeal this utter failure of a law
Yeah! Because she got pregnant all by herself!

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Feb 21, 2014
L1: If you go to her house to talk to her, have your cell phone in hand and 911 almost dialed. I usually think talking face-to-face is best but in this instance, a telephone call discussion might be better -- at least to get the subject on the table.

L2: You guys covered it. This woman is a piece of work!

L3: It is very frustrating to talk to someone who can't hear clearly.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#10 Feb 21, 2014
LW1: You can help with getting your sister out but not so much with getting your mom to change. Tell her you won't tolerate that kind of behavior directed at you, your husband or children.

LW2: You have no idea why you weren't invited, so of course it was to hurt your feelings. I think you should not go and spare the others the "pleasure" of your company, ya PITA.

LW3: What?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#11 Feb 21, 2014
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
Yeah! Because she got pregnant all by herself!
You don't understand, ALL men are required to pay for prenatal care on THEIR insurance, even if they never got anyone pregnant. It would be like requiring YOU to pay for vasectomies

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#12 Feb 21, 2014
Maybe I can explain it better, I'm talking about "coverage." Men are required to pay prenatal coverage. A better example would be like requiring you to pay for coverage for testicular cancer

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#13 Feb 21, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
As well as making men pay for prenatal care
Man I can't wait til we repeal this utter failure of a law
If you don't pay for prenatal care you will pay Medicaid to take care of teh disabled child born with preventable birth defects.

Medical insurance paid for Viagra. Got ny idea what the longer term end result of using that might be?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#14 Feb 21, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
You don't understand, ALL men are required to pay for prenatal care on THEIR insurance, even if they never got anyone pregnant. It would be like requiring YOU to pay for vasectomies
One of the things that I cheerfully contribute to is the prize money for the Darwin Awards, so I have no objection to paying for a guy getting snipped.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#15 Feb 21, 2014
You guys covered letter 2. Man, what annoying LW!!!

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#16 Feb 21, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
Maybe I can explain it better, I'm talking about "coverage." Men are required to pay prenatal coverage. A better example would be like requiring you to pay for coverage for testicular cancer
You pay for ovarian cancer treatment, uterine problems, endometriosis, hysterectomies, surgical treatment of torsed ovaries ( I hope even you never get a torsed testicle).

We pay for surgical correction of spermatocele, testicular cancer, lots and lots and LOTS of prostate treatment and the occasional surgical revision of congenital cranial-coccygeal fusions.

It is insurance. Most of the things covered you will hopefully never get.

Go read up on the underlying theory of an insurance plan, any insurance plan.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#17 Feb 21, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
Maybe I can explain it better, I'm talking about "coverage." Men are required to pay prenatal coverage. A better example would be like requiring you to pay for coverage for testicular cancer
I have no problem with that, that's what insurance is all about. We all pay into a pool and draw out what we need for whatever medical reason. I might get something that all humans can get (leukemia, for instance) or something that only a female could get (ovarian cancer). I may never be sick (doubt that but it could happen). The money is there to spread out our liability and I don't care what you use that money for as long as it's a ligitimate medical reason.

I know, I know, stupid liberal.
blunt advice

Cedar Knolls, NJ

#18 Feb 21, 2014
I have nothing to add so I want to have some fun with haiku:
Lw1:
Sis pushing thirty
Lives with mad mom and calm dad
Should get own dang place
Lw2:
Nudge got no invite
When coworkers kid got hitched
Time and money saved
Lw2
What's a wife to do
When hubby blasts tunes and tube
Aspirin and ear plugs
pde

Bothell, WA

#19 Feb 21, 2014
LW2: Why exactly are you blaming them for the invite list for their daughter's wedding? Depending on the circumstances, they may have had no input whatsoever, particularly if their daughter/her husband planned and paid for the wedding themselves?

I and my husband let my parents put people on the invite list. My sister and her husband, who were having a much smaller wedding at a much more expensive location, did not.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#20 Feb 21, 2014
You're right. Okay. Obamacare is the greatest thing since sliced bread, don't know how we ever got along without it. It took off without a hitch. Obama is our hero and savior for blessing us with it.

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