“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Jun 19, 2014
DEAR ABBY: A childhood friend of mine died from cervical cancer. "Katy" died because she didn't go to her OB/GYN for annual Pap smears.

She was a beautiful, intelligent, talented wife and mother who was responsible in every other way. Katy simply couldn't face a pelvic exam because throughout her childhood she had been molested by her father. I know it's true, because her father molested me, too.

Katy's doctor told her that had it been caught in the early stages, her cancer would have been curable. She hadn't been to see her OB/GYN since her last child was born nine years before. Because of what her father did to her, she was unable to allow anyone other than her husband to touch her.

Abby, my friend suffered during the time between her diagnosis and her death. She fought to stay alive for her husband and children, whom she loved with all her heart. But in the end, cancer took her, and her family will suffer for years to come.

PLEASE remind every woman and sexually active teenage girl about the importance of a yearly exam. Those who feel they can't deal with the exams should force themselves to talk to their OB/GYN and explain their fear. Otherwise, the sexual predators win again. I think they should be held accountable for the deaths for which they are ultimately responsible.-- SICK OF MOLESTERS

DEAR SICK OF MOLESTERS: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your friend. She won't have died in vain if women of every age heed your message about the importance of regular pelvic examinations, which should start as soon as a girl becomes sexually active.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband, "Henry," for 25 years, and he refuses to call me by name. He doesn't call me anything -- certainly no terms of endearment. He just calls out or starts talking. He addresses our daughter's relatives, our neighbors and even our dog by name -- but refuses to say mine.

I have mentioned to Henry many times how deeply hurt and resentful it makes me feel. He admits it's a problem, but refuses to get help because "he doesn't believe in counseling."

I know things could be worse. I'm not abused physically, but I feel mentally abused. I find it hard living as a nobody. Can you give me an insight on how to cope with this?-- NAMELESS IN SOUTH NEW JERSEY

DEAR NAMELESS: What Henry has been doing is called "passive aggression." It's a pattern of behavior that can occur in a variety of contexts. In your case, it's consistently failing to do something he knows would please you, the absence of which he is fully aware is hurtful. He refuses counseling because he knows a counselor will call him on it.

This does not, however, mean that YOU shouldn't have some counseling. Once you have recognized Henry's behavior for exactly what it is, you must then ask yourself why you have tolerated it for a quarter of a century, whether there are other things wrong in your marriage and if this is the way you want to live the next 25 years of your life.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Jun 19, 2014
1 Double Whammy PSA, but, Girl stuff.

2 Why do you even bother to engage him. Ignore him until your name is mentioned, pretend he is talking to someone on the phone.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#3 Jun 19, 2014
RACE wrote:
1 Double Whammy PSA, but, Girl stuff.
2 Why do you even bother to engage him. Ignore him until your name is mentioned, pretend he is talking to someone on the phone.
1. Yep
2.Sounds good, but be careful what you ask for. A sneering tone or a barked name can be literal compliance and no improvement

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#4 Jun 19, 2014
What a happy marriage that must be...
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
2.Sounds good, but be careful what you ask for. A sneering tone or a barked name can be literal compliance and no improvement
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#5 Jun 19, 2014
LW1 - Not a very logically argued PSA either.
LW2 - Why did you wait 25 years to speak up? Sorry, but it's kind of too late. You are highly unlikely to change him now. Speak up anyway and see what happens. If he starts calling you by your name or some term of endearment, you get what you want. If he doesn't, well you can go another 25 years as you have so far.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#6 Jun 19, 2014
1- you had me until the last sentence, and your name. The molester is not the reason your friend died of cancer. Your friend is the reason she died of cancer for not taking preventative care. Me thinks you have a bit of misplaced anger

2- he prolly forgot what your name is, and too embarrassed to ask after all these years

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

#7 Jun 19, 2014
L1: Yeah, PSA. A sad one, but a PSA nonetheless. And edog brings up a good point.

L2: What Cass said.

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

#8 Jun 19, 2014
LW2 - I wonder if she has the misfortune to share a first name with his childhood bully, hated boss, evil ex, etc.... It's perfectly possible to love someone very much and hate their name! Still, in that case he should call her honey or sweetie or pookie-pie or SOMETHING.

Yeah, your best strategy is to not answer him when he does it. But why did you wait 25 years?

Me, I dislike my first name. And the quickest way to tick me off, especially if you're a stranger trying to SELL me something, is to keep on calling me by it every sentence or 2!

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

#9 Jun 19, 2014
VAdame wrote:
Me, I dislike my first name. And the quickest way to tick me off, especially if you're a stranger trying to SELL me something, is to keep on calling me by it every sentence or 2!
I dislike my name also, and totally agree with you that it's annoying when salespeople overuse it. They were taught that it personalizes a conversation, but it comes across SO fake when you use it in every sentence, especially with someone you just met (or are on the phone with).

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#10 Jun 19, 2014
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
I dislike my name also, and totally agree with you that it's annoying when salespeople overuse it. They were taught that it personalizes a conversation, but it comes across SO fake when you use it in every sentence, especially with someone you just met (or are on the phone with).
Just curious, if you dislike it so, why is it still your name? I hated (and was constantly teased and tormented about) my first name growing up, so I changed it. Why keep it if it's something you dislike that much?

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

#11 Jun 19, 2014
NWmoon wrote:
<quoted text>Just curious, if you dislike it so, why is it still your name? I hated (and was constantly teased and tormented about) my first name growing up, so I changed it. Why keep it if it's something you dislike that much?
I actually looked into that when I was about 17. Just seemed way more trouble than it was worth. I can live with it, plus, I *really* like my (married) last name!

I know sales folks are taught to do that. And in my case, it's a real quick way to get me to hang up on/walk away from their @$$!
Kuuipo

Seaside, CA

#12 Jun 19, 2014
LW1: I am sorry for your loss and agree with the PSA. My friend's mom died from cervical cancer also. Those who feel that they cannot deal with the exam should see a female gynecologist.

LW2: Team Cass. Wow. That's an interesting relationship dynamic...
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#13 Jun 20, 2014
So will LW2 be happy if Henry starts calling her "Stinker"?

:)

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