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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Feb 10, 2014
DEAR ABBY: My 38-year-old son is mentally ill and refuses medication, counseling or any type of help. I'm 63, and he physically and mentally abuses me. I had him committed, but he refused to cooperate, so they released him after two weeks. Life after that became worse.

I have no time to myself except when I sleep or take a nap. Family and friends are not allowed in the house because they make him uncomfortable. I can't even open the blinds to let the sun in because "people are watching him."

I know he needs help desperately, but I don't know where else to turn. My family tells me to have him committed and not let him back home. I feel guilty about sending him out of my home because I'm afraid of what he might do or what could happen to him.

I go for counseling once a month, and I have discussed this with my therapist, who says the same thing as my family: "Commit him and throw away the key!" I am so torn! I suffer from depression and this lifestyle does not help.

I'm planning to move to another state where I have family, and I don't know what to do with him. I feel like I'm trading one cell for another. Any suggestions would be appreciated.-- LOYAL READER IN NEW YORK

DEAR LOYAL READER: Listen to your therapist. If your son is institutionalized, he will be in a safe environment. The alternative could be that he would become one of the multitude of mentally ill individuals who are living on the street.

If your son is medicated, he might be able to live in a group home where he could be sheltered and taken care of. With medication he might be able to have more of a life than you have provided.

You may feel guilty, but you are not responsible for your son's mental illness. It is very important that you are successfully treated for your depression before making the decision to move. Your depression may have been caused because you have become the prisoner of your son's hallucinations.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years, living together for two. He says Valentine's Day is a made-up holiday to get people to spend money. I told him every holiday is geared toward people spending money.

I find myself feeling angry and hurt that I'm not receiving anything for Valentine's Day. He never buys cards or flowers for me. How do I communicate to him that this is important to me without making things worse?-- CRAVING A LITTLE ROMANCE

DEAR CRAVING: Your boyfriend may be cheap, but he also has a point. According to a report on npr, the celebration of Valentine's Day started in ancient Rome and contains elements of both Christian and pre-Christian religions. In the third century A.D., two men named Valentine were executed by the emperor Claudius II in different years on Feb. 14, and a few hundred years later, a pope (Gelasius I) combined St. Valentine's Day with Lupercalia -- a fertility feast -- to replace the pagan ritual.(Research this online if you wish, because I found it fascinating.) The holiday didn't become romanticized until the Renaissance.

That said, allow me to point out that there are few things more unpleasant than feeling forced to give someone a gift. If you have already discussed this with your boyfriend and he's still resistant, then instead of focusing on what you're not getting out of this relationship, try focusing on what you are getting. It may help you to feel less deprived.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Bronx, NY

#2 Feb 10, 2014
1- If you won't listen to your family or therapist, I doubt you'll listen to Abby

2- Withhold sex. He can pony up for a dam box of chocolates

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#3 Feb 10, 2014
L1. After some of the things I have seen, I am not convinced that institutionalizing someone in the shadowy world of a state facility necessarily means they have been placed in a safe environment.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#4 Feb 10, 2014
1 Tough love time. Save yourself.

2 Wow, no manbashing, but the guy is cheap and a loser if he cant do something simple as buying you a card to express his feelings towards you. Or maybe he is...

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#5 Feb 10, 2014
A mentally ill person who was bad enough for an involuntary admission , who metal professionals thinks should be be confined (mom's therapist) and who sees his homebase taken away because his mom is moving out of state seems likely to sink into violence. Think Adam Lanza and that Senator's son who went after him with a machete. Benevolent parents are short sighted .Some people need to be confined for their own good and for the safety of others. If the son were not labeled mentally ill, we would all say the LW is suffering severe abide. IMO you don't get a pass because you are labeled mentally ill and can't control what you do..

I know that-not every mentally ill person is violent but a lot of teem "act out" and if you are in the immediate vicinity when it happens, it looks a lot like violence.

It is a chronic illness and you treat it like a chronic illness.

I had read about teh problems with institutionalization. I had an uncle who was significantly mentally and physically disabled and was prone to act out with his arm crutches. I saw the UCP Home he eventually was moved into and it was a lot better than what my grandparents could provide for physical and mental support, care and structured interaction.

It is likely to be an unpopular opinion but I don't think "least restrictive evironment" is always a good solution.

L2If he was giving token of affection tehr est of teh year , LW wouldn't gripe. Tokens of affection can be a single flower, a sudden shoulder rub, intercepting your crazy SIL's phone calls, cooking dinner and making teh soaghetti saus=ce teh way you like it .

If you don't have tjose things then $3.00 for a card and another$ 10 for some flowers or candy should be obligatory. And if a relationship is down to "obligatory" it isn't going to last the long term.

That said, my husband is as romantic a a lump of mud, but he has other good qualities.

“No. 1 Stunna”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#6 Feb 10, 2014
LW1: Thatís very hard, but I think you have to do what is best for you AND him. He isnít medicating himself and he might actually feel better and be more stable if in a facility that medicates him. AT the very least you need to remove yourself from this situation.

LW2: How about you two go out for a nice evening?
Blunt Advice

Suffern, NY

#7 Feb 10, 2014
1. Why would you tolerate abuse? Keep him institutionalized. If his facility can't handle him then find one that can.
2. You can't change him. Does he have other caring qualities? If not, move out and move on.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#8 Feb 10, 2014
L1: How good could this therapist be? I would think the therapist could paint the picture for her that her son would do better in an environment prepared for his type of mental illness. The other family members could be helping to secure social security benefits for him, medical benefits, and into a good facility.

L2: Buy him something (I'd keep it practical yet sweet) and take him out to the first place you met or make the first dinner you ever had together -- whatever. Make it a day that has meaning for you both and move away from the commercialization and make it unique to you both. He doesn't need to buy it for you, you can buy if for yourself.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#9 Feb 10, 2014
LW1: I'm sorry that your child has to suffer this; it's obvious that you love him and want what's best for him. But it's time to realize that he is an adult and has to make his own decisions and live his own life. Even though he has a mental illness, you must give him the freedom to live his life. That can be in an institution if he refuses medication, or that can be on the street because you can't live with him unmedicated.

LW2: Does this guy make you happy, day-in and day-out? Do you like the life you're building together? If your answers are yes, then STFU about Valentine's Day.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#10 Feb 10, 2014
I must say I am surprised at how the women here are telling the LW to consider how she is treated the other 364 days instead of this 1 day.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#11 Feb 10, 2014
RACE wrote:
I must say I am surprised at how the women here are telling the LW to consider how she is treated the other 364 days instead of this 1 day.
Why? It's only 1 day. I want to be treated as special 365 days of the year.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#12 Feb 10, 2014
RACE wrote:
I must say I am surprised at how the women here are telling the LW to consider how she is treated the other 364 days instead of this 1 day.
Why? Valentine's and Sweetest Day are total bull sh!t. And if you're going to judge your whole relationship on how your SO treats you on one day, then perhaps a relationship is not for you.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#13 Feb 10, 2014
(scribbling in notebook...)
I just figured that if it was important to her, you guys would say the dude should put a little effort into making her happy. Can he skip Christmas too?

“No. 1 Stunna”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#15 Feb 10, 2014
RACE wrote:
I must say I am surprised at how the women here are telling the LW to consider how she is treated the other 364 days instead of this 1 day.
That's how my wife is. I asked her if she would like it if I bought her some jewelry and she said no, she just wants to go out with me on Friday. Sure thing.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#16 Feb 10, 2014
RACE wrote:
(scribbling in notebook...)
I just figured that if it was important to her, you guys would say the dude should put a little effort into making her happy. Can he skip Christmas too?
He ain't my SO. He can do what he wants.

Actually, I am a firm believer that a gift is a gift and should never be expected. I really do live that. I don't even get into the B.S. that someone didn't buy me a gift so I shouldn't buy them one.
Blunt Advice

Suffern, NY

#17 Feb 10, 2014
I agree that Valentines Day has to be the dumbest holiday. But I do get a little something for hubby and kids inexpensive but shows I am thinking of them. Hubby does get something for me on Valentines Day like very last minute. And every Christmas he shops on Christmas Eve, never before that. Luckily his good qualities balance out the shop at the very very last minute thing.
This reminds me I have to do some VD shopping. Gotta get something for my Mom too as its the first VD without my Dad.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#18 Feb 10, 2014
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
Why? Valentine's and Sweetest Day are total bull sh!t. And if you're going to judge your whole relationship on how your SO treats you on one day, then perhaps a relationship is not for you.
Sweetest day? Wtf is that?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#19 Feb 10, 2014
RACE wrote:
(scribbling in notebook...)
I just figured that if it was important to her, you guys would say the dude should put a little effort into making her happy. Can he skip Christmas too?
i really don't remember whn we were dating, but after marriage and before kids, we would just have fondue at home. Wife thought it a waste to go out when all the restaurants were crowded and price gouging with special v-day menus. I was more than happy staying home.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#20 Feb 10, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Sweetest day? Wtf is that?
Ah, Wikipedia explains why you've never heard of it.

"Sweetest Day is a holiday celebrated primarily in the Great Lakes region, and parts of the Northeast United States, on the third Saturday in October.[1] Sweetest Day has also been referred to as a "concocted promotion" created by the candy industry solely to increase sales of sweets.[2] It is also a day to bestow romantic deeds or expressions."

Around here, it seems to be mostly celebrated by black folks. I had never heard of it either until recently. Better marketing, I guess.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#21 Feb 10, 2014
Teams edog, race, and PEllen today.

LW1: Sometimes in life, you have to call in trained professionals. In this case, LW needs help from people who know how to treat mental illness. I commend LW for his unconditional love for his son, but he has done as much as he can do, the situation has not resolved, and things need to change. If LW institutionalized his son, the facility would ensure that he took his medicine and received therapy. The son may or may not stabilize enough to do well outside of a facility, but this is his best chance. LW would then have an opportunity to work on his own problems. Is it possible that he is deliberately avoiding dealing with his own life by focusing more on his son's illness?

LW2: Boyfriend is right. Valentine's day is a made-up holiday designed to get people to spend money. The question is, are you happy with him? If so, don't pressure him to conform to your expectations of this fake holiday. I guarantee you that every restaurant in town will be overcrowded. Stay home and buy yourself some of your favorite chocolates.

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