“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Aug 26, 2013
DEAR AMY: I recently entered into a relationship with a married man. At first I was OK with it because I believed his explanation of why he's still married -- immigration purposes.

We have had some great times that are filled with activities we enjoy, including intimate relations.

As time has passed, I have learned that his marriage isn't as he described it to me. It's not so much a marriage of convenience as he said it was.

I'm worried that our relationship is icky, especially when I think about it afterward. I spend a lot of time in his home eating meals his wife has cooked for him.

I want to ask him about this point-blank, but I don't want to risk losing this guy, who happens to be very caring and attentive.

Should I walk away, ignore his texts and find someone else?-- The Other Woman

DEAR OTHER WOMAN: If you can spend time at the house this man shares with his wife and eat meals she has cooked -- and it only occurs to you later how "icky" this is -- then I'd say you need to adjust your ick-o-meter. The idea is to be icked out by things in advance of doing them.

Your guy is a liar and a cheat. Walking away sounds like a good idea.

DEAR AMY: I hate to work and always have. I have a responsible professional position, dealing with an issue I care deeply about. I work with truly wonderful people. I fulfill all of my responsibilities, but I have to force myself to do everything. The same is true for work around the house, etc.

I get it done, but I can only think of how fast I can get it over with, and how, if possible, I can avoid it. I resent expending effort. I know I must work; I feel strongly that I need to pull my own weight and contribute more, but I just hate every minute of it.

My question is: Does everyone feel this way? Does everyone have to take a deep breath and force their way through every minute of every day? I see other people who seem to enjoy what they do or at least do not resent it. What advice do you have?-- Don't Like Being Lazy

DEAR LAZY: You know the saying, "If you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life"? People (like me) who truly love their work generally look forward to doing it, even if we have to take a deep breath before starting a task. Most people don't need to deep-breathe their way through every single effort, the way you report you do just to get through the day.

My first suggestion is for you to get a full medical checkup to see if you have a thyroid (or other medical) problem that might cause you to simply have low energy. You should also be evaluated for depression. If so, treatment would literally lift the veil, give you more energy and improve your outlook.

Otherwise, thinking of tasks in small bites might help you to get started -- and will also create a satisfying sense of accomplishment ("I made that phone call! Yay!"). You don't say if there is anything in the world for which you do enjoy expending effort. If so, you can use activities you enjoy (even if your activity is actually inactivity) as motivators to get through the day.

I'll run additional suggestions from readers.

DEAR AMY: I loved your response to "Heartbroken Dad," a single parent raising his adopted 14-year-old son.

I especially related to the lines, "Do not expect him to express gratitude to you. His sole job is to grow up well (and that is a tough job for any child)."

I am the stepmom of a challenging 13-year-old -- she has autism as well as other disorders. While parenting has many rewards, in a small part of my heart I've been hoping for a "thanks for being the mother my own mother isn't."

What you wrote put it all in perspective.-- Stepmom

DEAR STEPMOM: I often note that stepparents can be the real unsung heroes in a child's life. It sounds like your teen hit the jackpot.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Aug 26, 2013
1 YO! Amy! Sure, the guy might be a liar and cheat, but WTF is she??? How about you spread that disdain a little more evenly? Being an delusional, self absorbed tramp is no way to go thru life.

2 You're not depressed or thyrioded, you just have a bad case of "stick upyourass" Pull it out, and get back to work.

3 Blech!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#3 Aug 26, 2013
1- By all means, stick it out. I'm sure things will turn out just fine.

2- Yeah, welcome to life

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#4 Aug 26, 2013
LW1: SHe hangs out in his wife's house and eats her food? That's extra-special scummy.

LW2: Most people dont' like work. Deal with it. And thanks for setting us up for a montha and a half of rehash.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#5 Aug 26, 2013
LW1: You are never going to have him all to yourself. He also is not honest with you and is leading you on. No only is he leading you on, but the story he paints portrays him as a loser who is just using his wife for immigration purposes ... not only that, but he has you over to his house to eat the food she cooked for him. Pretty clear that he lives his life such that it is all about him, regardless of who he uses and hurts. Yet you think he is so wonderful ... while you are also just some action on the side for him. Know this and decide what you want to do, dummy.

LW2: I donít think many folks like work, in the sense that they would rather be at work than chilling on a beach somewhere or doing something else they really enjoy. Itís part of life, tho. I think more folks are better with handling their responsibilities, than you. Life is not all play for 99.99% of folks.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#6 Aug 26, 2013
L1: Yes, this LW needs new caliberation of her ick-o-meter. Ick-o-meter. That's weird in itself and the LW seems to be missing a few brain cells.

L2: I don't enjoy getting up everyday and going to work. BUT once I arrive at work I sometimes enjoy the challenges and realize I need it, not only for the money, but to also exercise the brain. I also have come to know people I probably would not have otherwise met. This LW isn't looking at the full picture. You have to find something positive about being at work otherwise you'll go crazy.

L3: Imagine that, Amy running a letter that pats her on the back.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#7 Aug 26, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: You are never going to have him all to yourself. He also is not honest with you and is leading you on. No only is he leading you on, but the story he paints portrays him as a loser who is just using his wife for immigration purposes ... not only that, but he has you over to his house to eat the food she cooked for him. Pretty clear that he lives his life such that it is all about him, regardless of who he uses and hurts. Yet you think he is so wonderful ... while you are also just some action on the side for him. Know this and decide what you want to do, dummy.
LW2: I donít think many folks like work, in the sense that they would rather be at work than chilling on a beach somewhere or doing something else they really enjoy. Itís part of life, tho. I think more folks are better with handling their responsibilities, than you. Life is not all play for 99.99% of folks.
I rarely judge anyone "brilliant" but when I do...

I agree with all of this. LW1 is trash. And LW2 is indeed lazy. Does he/she think anyone LIKES (as in gets off on) doing laundry and scrubbing toilets? No one does, it's just necessary. So is going to work for a paycheck. I'd rather spend my time eating coconut crab on Tahiti, but here I am doing what I'm *supposed* to do. Just like almost everyone else.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#8 Aug 26, 2013
1: What Sub said with a side of Stina.

To sit in his house eating the food his wife cooked? Was the wife there? Does she think you are friends or is he flaunting you in front of her and she just has to take it because *she* is the one with the "immigration issues" and he's holding it over her head?

2: No, no one gets all orgasmic going to work. Yes some poeple "love" their jobs. Most people just *do* them so that they can take home a paycheck. Shut up and deal.

3: Great...

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#9 Aug 26, 2013
Stina2 wrote:
LW2: Most people dont' like work. Deal with it. And thanks for setting us up for a montha and a half of rehash.
Word.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#10 Aug 26, 2013
Speaking of work. I've been doing a little bit of job search info gathering recently (not looking for a job, just into them) and looking at what my degrees will qualify me to do...pay and benefit packages, etc.

I have to say I am *not* disappointed. Take that "what can you do with an anthropology degree?"* people.:P

*not you guys, just patronizing people who've been like that.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#11 Aug 26, 2013
LW1 - "Immigration purposes"? So, he is engaged in an immigration fraud? From the description, the BF got himself a foreign slave for sex and housework in exchange for a possible green card. And the LW went along with it just fine. Gawd, it makes me want to throw up. Both LW and her BF are despicable individuals.

LW2 - "I resent expending effort." That tells it all. You are not depressed or thyroidal or whatever. You are just incredibly lazy. You work because you know you have to, or you'll end up living on the streets, but that doesn't make you any less lazy. No, most other people don't feel this way. Some hate their jobs, and all of us hate to go to work some days or to clean the toilet, but the vast majority of people don't live their lives resending the expending of effort to maintain their livelihood.

LW3 - Don't care.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#12 Aug 26, 2013
I got the impression the wife was off to work, and she came over during the day (lunchtime).
Mimi Seattle wrote:
1: What Sub said with a side of Stina.
To sit in his house eating the food his wife cooked? Was the wife there? Does she think you are friends or is he flaunting you in front of her and she just has to take it because *she* is the one with the "immigration issues" and he's holding it over her head?
2: No, no one gets all orgasmic going to work. Yes some poeple "love" their jobs. Most people just *do* them so that they can take home a paycheck. Shut up and deal.
3: Great...

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#13 Aug 26, 2013
Mimi Seattle wrote:
<quoted text>
I rarely judge anyone "brilliant" but when I do...
I agree with all of this. LW1 is trash. And LW2 is indeed lazy. Does he/she think anyone LIKES (as in gets off on) doing laundry and scrubbing toilets? No one does, it's just necessary. So is going to work for a paycheck. I'd rather spend my time eating coconut crab on Tahiti, but here I am doing what I'm *supposed* to do. Just like almost everyone else.
Thanks, Mimi.

I'd rather be in Tahiti right about now, too, lol.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#14 Aug 26, 2013
LW1: You lost me at "I recently entered into a relationship with a married man."

LW2: My job is boring, but I count my blessings. It's not stressful and the money's good. Driving past the strawberry fields every morning on the way to work and seeing the farm workers out there in any kind of weather gives me a perspective. I just hope they paychecks keep coming.
Mimi

United States

#15 Aug 26, 2013
RACE wrote:
I got the impression the wife was off to work, and she came over during the day (lunchtime).
<quoted text>
I hope thats it, fir the wife's sake but the way LW was talking about eating the food the wife cooks gave me the image of a "family friend" who's boinking the husband on the side.

Either way they are both slime.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#16 Aug 27, 2013
Regardless of who needs the green card, the dude or the wife, has anyone considered the possibility that this is a marriage in name only and that both parties know the score? A favor? An paid arrangement? A situation where he is not cheating on her behind her back and she is aware of hs actions and not concerned as long as she gets her money/greencard?

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#17 Aug 28, 2013
If that were the case, dont you think the guy would mention that to the slutt? And she to us via the letter? He is keeping her on the down low for a reason.
Mister Tonka wrote:
Regardless of who needs the green card, the dude or the wife, has anyone considered the possibility that this is a marriage in name only and that both parties know the score? A favor? An paid arrangement? A situation where he is not cheating on her behind her back and she is aware of hs actions and not concerned as long as she gets her money/greencard?
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#18 Aug 28, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
Regardless of who needs the green card, the dude or the wife, has anyone considered the possibility that this is a marriage in name only and that both parties know the score? A favor? An paid arrangement? A situation where he is not cheating on her behind her back and she is aware of hs actions and not concerned as long as she gets her money/greencard?
In LW's own words, "As time has passed, I have learned that his marriage isn't as he described it to me. It's not so much a marriage of convenience as he said it was."

So I don't think that's a strong possibility.

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