“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Mar 13, 2014
DEAR AMY: I've been married to my husband for almost 11 years. This is my third marriage and his second.

Due to some not-so-smart choices on my part, I was not financially secure when I married my husband. He did not mind and said we would work on improving my credit together.

When we bought our home, I could not be on the mortgage because of a bankruptcy. His mother was generous enough to co-sign the loan with him. I am grateful to her. However, my husband believes that I don't behave gratefully enough toward her and also that, because of her generosity, I should consider myself "in her debt" until she dies.

She and I do not have a great relationship; she brings her dog to our house and makes no effort to keep it from leaving "presents" on our hardwood floors. She believes that her son should do nothing around the house when he gets home from work because my work "isn't that strenuous" (I am a high school teacher). My husband helps around the house and never complains about it.

Is there a better way to tell my husband that I am grateful but I do not believe I owe her a life debt?-- No Longer Beholden

DEAR NO LONGER: Your mother-in-law -- not your husband -- is the one who needs to hear this from you. It is obviously not good for your relationship to have her name on the note for your house. Some families could handle this boundary issue, but yours obviously cannot. Your husband could ease this dynamic, but he chooses to inflate it instead.

You can solve this problem by refinancing your home, getting your mother-in-law out of your marital finances and reclaiming your domicile.

After 11 years of marriage and working, I hope your credit has been restored to the extent that you can figure out a way to pay off your mother-in-law (if she has made any actual investment other than assuming the risk of co-signing the note). If necessary, you should take a second job (perhaps during the summer) to achieve this.

Then you can sincerely express (yet again) your gratitude toward your mother-in-law and joyfully let her know that she is now off the hook.

DEAR AMY: I'm 65 years old. I have three adult kids from a previous marriage. A year ago, I married a nice lady (44 years old).

At the time we married, she agreed that she does not want to have kids. Well, now she wants kids. I agreed to make her happy, but she did not get pregnant.

We went to five doctors, and all said there is nothing wrong with either of us. Now she wants to visit more doctors and pursue IVF.

I refused to do anything other than have a normal and natural pregnancy. She wants more doctors. Please help.-- Confused Man

DEAR CONFUSED: Would you be willing to adopt a baby that had been conceived the "normal and natural" way by another couple? I suspect not, because you don't actually want to have more children.

You need to be brave enough to face this fact with your wife, who is quickly exiting her fertile years.

You can easily accuse your much younger wife of switching the "all children left behind" rule she agreed to upon marriage, but the desire to have a baby is more powerful than the embarrassment of reneging on a verbal agreement.

You two should work this out with a professional counselor. It could be a deal breaker for your marriage.

Be aware that she is likely to get pregnant (the "normal" way) during this period. Why? Because the universe has a twisted sense of humor.

DEAR AMY: You told "Broken" that "to stop caring (about the guy who dumped her) is the best revenge." You're wrong. The best revenge is a life well lived. Broken needs to go out and build a life so full, rich and good that the guy who broke up with her will kick himself up one side and down the other for being stupid enough to dump her.-- Been There, Done That

DEAR BEEN THERE: Well said.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#2 Mar 13, 2014
1: Big no-no getting testy MIL on your family home deed. I have a feeling she will be mentioning it on her death bed. Hubby sounds like a dork.
Why the need to tell us marriage 3/2 though? Is the only context to let us infer you both havebroken choosers?

2: Nope, Team lw. That is a big deal to bait and switch on. I'll be 37 next month and luckily hear no bio clock. I don't see why she would marry a 65 y/o anyway if she wanted kids. He needs to stand his ground. She broke a serious agreement, not him.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Mar 13, 2014
1 Sounds to me like your MIL helped you secure the loan, but you and your husband are the one's paying the actual mortgage.

If this is the case your husband needs to clam up because you ARE showing how grateful you are, by not defaulting on the load and leaving her and your husband to pick up the pieces.

Your husband should be the one showing gratitude, and tell your MIL to butt out of your home life.

2 HA! Su*ker! You are sooooo scre*ed! She got you to marry her, and now she wants to make sure, she is guaranteed a paycheck even after you croak! Your a fool, she never loved you, just your money.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#4 Mar 13, 2014
L1: It seems like a big communication problem and/or loyalty problem. If you can't straighten this out with hubby you might have to go to a marriage counsellor to get the communication flowing. You have a bigger issue with hubby not containing his mother than you with his mother.

L2: Stand your ground. It's ridiculous to try to force someone to have a baby -- male or female.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#5 Mar 13, 2014
LW1: Team RACE. This is what Lamy should have said.

LW2: Just say no to extraordinary measures for procreation. Be prepared that this may be a deal-breaker for your wife.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#6 Mar 13, 2014
L1. I don't think MIL wants to be off the hook. I think husband is doing emotional blackmail. From everything I have heard, teaching highschool is not an easy job, but the time constraints are different than the 9-5 people.
You married a mama's boy and she has her hooks into you.

As for the dogs, pick up after them, put the "gifts in a plastic bag and send them home with MIL as leftovers. Or, remind her the resale value of her investment is decreased by dog poop.

L2 Deal breaker as far as I am concerned. That is way too big an issue to switch positions about that fast. They have only been married a year and are already at IVF stage? She must have changed her mind with the last bite of wedding cake.

You don't concede to having a child just to make a spouse happy.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#7 Mar 13, 2014
L2. IVF equals high risk. A lot of people really frown on the procedure.
I have a friend who is a neo nurse and many of them are not happy about it either, as we have discussed it at great length.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#8 Mar 13, 2014
LW1: Interest rates are low. Refinance the house. And whazzup with the "presents"? I would have gone ballistic the FIRST time her un-housebroken mutt let loose on my floor. You talk about bags on the kitchen counter being unhygienic??? You need to alert your husband that you have had enough and this stuff is going to change immediately.

LW2: Team PEllen. Deal-breaker. You raised your kids. You have been generous enough. And if you were to go the IVF route, you'd probably have triplets. Don't do it.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#9 Mar 13, 2014
PEllen wrote:
You don't concede to having a child just to make a spouse happy.
i agree. But i imagine being 65, he is likely has (and lived) the old school mentality of child raising being woman's work. It probably seems like no bug dal to him cause he gas no plans to do any extra work. Looking at it like he's getting her a puppu that she'll be responsible for.

I can't think of any other reason a man that age us so non-chalant about having more kids
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#10 Mar 13, 2014
LW2 looks fake. What 44-year-old woman demands a baby from a
husband in his sixites? Strongly suggest this older girl mentor other people's children if she passes the criminal back ground check and
gets the peoper training.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#11 Mar 13, 2014
loose cannon wrote:
L2. IVF equals high risk. A lot of people really frown on the procedure.
I have a friend who is a neo nurse and many of them are not happy about it either, as we have discussed it at great length.
Why would an NICU or neo natal nurse be unhappy with IVF if the babies are carried to term? Is it the prevalence of multiples with low birth weights and pre term deliveries?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#12 Mar 13, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>i agree. But i imagine being 65, he is likely has (and lived) the old school mentality of child raising being woman's work. It probably seems like no bug dal to him cause he gas no plans to do any extra work. Looking at it like he's getting her a puppu that she'll be responsible for.
I can't think of any other reason a man that age us so non-chalant about having more kids
Don't make that assumption about 65 year olds.

My husband is 67. He grew up in a very conventional SAHM household where he was the eldest of 4.The traditional roles should have been engrained in him, but were not. When our girls were born (almost 28 years ago now) he carried an equal share of the child raising tasks after he realized that the squirmy thing in his arms would not break when he picked it up. That took about 10 days with the eldest.

So, no, just because the LW is 65 doesn't mean you can assume he holds to the old roles. He might, but that is no longer a point we can assume.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#13 Mar 13, 2014
boundary painter wrote:
LW2 looks fake. What 44-year-old woman demands a baby from a
husband in his sixites? Strongly suggest this older girl mentor other people's children if she passes the criminal back ground check and
gets the peoper training.
It is not unheard of in the general circles I wander around in.

A good friend made sure of his position by getting snipped before he went back into teh dating pool just before he turned 50

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#14 Mar 13, 2014
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text> Don't make that assumption about 65 year olds.
My husband is 67. He grew up in a very conventional SAHM household where he was the eldest of 4.The traditional roles should have been engrained in him, but were not. When our girls were born (almost 28 years ago now) he carried an equal share of the child raising tasks after he realized that the squirmy thing in his arms would not break when he picked it up. That took about 10 days with the eldest.
So, no, just because the LW is 65 doesn't mean you can assume he holds to the old roles. He might, but that is no longer a point we can assume.
I'm only assuming it because, to me, that's what makes the most sense of the seeming ease at which he agreed to try to have a kid with her at 65. Its like its no big deal to him.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#15 Mar 13, 2014
LW1: I can see why youíve had 2 failed marriages before this, because you are lousy at picking men. His mother shouldnít be so involved in your marriage, and you donít owe her anything. I would personally rather rent a house than be made to feel indebted to my in-laws and as if I should get on my knees and worship them.

LW2: Itís something you two need to work out. If you are both equally stubborn, you can kiss your marriage goodbye.

LW3: Live well because thatís what you deserve, not for revenge.

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