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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Aug 15, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I am a teacher, and at the end of the year I receive many gifts and notes of appreciation from the parents of my students. This year, one of my parents, a beautician, presented me with a gift certificate for a facial.

Last week I made the appointment and was given a fantastic facial by this mom. I didn't tip her afterward because I wasn't sure how to handle a gift like this.

Was I right in not tipping her? Since this was a gift from her, I'm hoping I didn't insult her by not offering one. If I was wrong, I'd like to go back and give her the tip she would have earned.-- WONDERING TEACHER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TEACHER: Because the gift certificate came from the person who delivered the service to you, you did not insult her by not offering a gratuity.(In fact, had you offered one for her gift, it might have been taken the wrong way.) If the facialist who performed the service had been someone other than the mother, a tip would have been in order, but not in a case like this.

The proper way to convey your gratitude for her fantastic facial would be to write a short note telling her what a treat it was and how much you enjoyed her gift.

DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old granddaughter, "Grace," has confided to me that she's smoking pot and drinking. When I asked her why, she said she does it to make herself feel better. I told her she has a serious problem, and something has to be done.

Grace doesn't want to tell her parents and, frankly, I think they would just yell and scream and not understand what's really going on. At this point, I don't know what to do. The person who's supplying my granddaughter is someone who is always around. I refuse to have that other girl in my home, but I can't tell Grace's parents why. What should I do?-- IN A FIX IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR IN A FIX: You're correct that this is serious, and something does have to be done. Alcohol and weed are not the solutions to your granddaughter's problem. Self-medicating won't fix what's wrong and could make her problems worse.

Grace needs to be evaluated and diagnosed by a physician. The way to ensure that it happens is to talk to her parents about the fact that you're worried about her. If you make clear that Grace is getting stoned to "feel better" and not partying, they may be less inclined to react with anger.

DEAR ABBY: My 25-year-old grandson has a problem, and we don't know where to turn.

Through student loans he has managed to get degrees in chemical engineering and biology with good grades. The problem is, he can't interview. He freezes up and is afraid to face the interviewer. This means he is unemployable.

He has no assets or income and lives with his parents. His father is disabled and hasn't worked in years. Can you recommend any organizations, doctors or medications that can help him?-- HOPEFUL IN MICHIGAN

DEAR HOPEFUL: Your grandson needs to discuss his problem with a psychotherapist who can help him overcome his disabling insecurity and perhaps prescribe a medication for his anxiety. There is a cure for his problem, and this is the quickest way to find it.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#2 Aug 15, 2013
L3.
Haste makes waste. Don't listen to Abbey.
The last thing you want to do is be a slave to medications.
Go back to junior college and take a couple of speech classes before going to the exteme of psychoanalysis.
I've met some of those doctors before, and they can be as nutty as their patients sometimes.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#3 Aug 15, 2013
1- Write a thank you? It's obvious Abby never made it out of the 12th century. You got a free facial, least you could have done was give a few dollar tip. And you shouldn't be accepting gifts from parents anyway, seems like a conflict of interest.

2- She confided in you, YOU get her help.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#4 Aug 15, 2013
That ticks me off when people are eager to prescribe and swallow little pills to solve simple problems such as stage fright, which is a very natural phenomena and many people experience when they are put in the spotlight.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#5 Aug 15, 2013
L1: I love that parent. what a great gift idea. And it cost the mom nothing other than a small amount of her time.

L2: She feels like she can't tell her parents, but she told YOU. That's huge. I think for a 14yo to do that means she WANTS help.

L3: Shrinkage, yesterday.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#6 Aug 15, 2013
1 Girl stuff dont care.

2 Self medication works for me.

3 Tell me brainyack to get off his ass and interview down at the 7-11 and gas stations, or get a job delivering pizzas. All those will help him learn interpersonal skills and them he can attend a class at a community college for public speaking. He sounds cloistered and needs to be kicked out of the nest and learn how to forage for himself.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#7 Aug 15, 2013
I wonder what kind of 14-year-old Grace's mother or
father was... That grandmother is walking the thin line between helping Grace get the help she needs and letting Grace know when "you'll have to tell your mother or father to get help from this source".

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#8 Aug 15, 2013
That's right, RACE. Fortune favors the prepared mind.
Those drugs are, IMO, often BandAids that simply mask problems, large and small, that we all face and are not at all that unusual.
Practice makes perfect, is what I always say.
I practice every day and it keeps my mind sharp as a tack.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#9 Aug 15, 2013
LW1: I’m not familiar with facial etiquette, at least not that sort of facial, heh, heh.:P

LW2: Heh, I always just did it for fun!

Sounds like she has issues if she’s doing it to make herself feel better and has confided in you about it … it’s not something I would have told anyone who was an authority figure at that age. So it sounds like she is crying out for help. I think you'll have to talk to her parents.

LW3: Practice makes perfect. He just needs to keep doing them.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#10 Aug 15, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
LW2: Heh, I always just did it for fun!
Sounds like she has issues if she’s doing it to make herself feel better and has confided in you about it … it’s not something I would have told anyone who was an authority figure at that age. So it sounds like she is crying out for help. I think you'll have to talk to her parents.
LW3: Practice makes perfect. He just needs to keep doing them.
Since Grace has parents who LW2 acknowledges "would yell at Grace",
how do you suggest this grandmother help Grace tell those parents and in what type of setting?

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#11 Aug 15, 2013
not a ghost wrote:
<quoted text>
Since Grace has parents who LW2 acknowledges "would yell at Grace",
how do you suggest this grandmother help Grace tell those parents and in what type of setting?
Unfortunately, there isn't much that can be done without parental involvement. There is the substance abuse problem, but there is also the underlying need to use them to feel better, both of which need to be treated.

In a private setting, I think she needs to take the parents to the side and explain that it's pretty clear she's crying out for help, yelling would be counter productive, that she has shown a lot of maturity in being able to open up with her grandma, and the thing to do is focus on getting her help, not scolding her, which would be counter productive and only serve to make her be more secretive.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#12 Aug 15, 2013
Lw will lose her granddaughter's trust if she goes to the parents. The best way she can help Grace is to keep the parents out of it.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#13 Aug 15, 2013
Good advice, sub.
ChicagolandChica

Chicago, IL

#14 Aug 15, 2013
re: #3, Abby said MAYBE medication. Therapy is a great place to start. However most therapists can't prescribe medication.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#15 Aug 15, 2013
reason 1001 why you are not parent material.
edogxxx wrote:
Lw will lose her granddaughter's trust if she goes to the parents. The best way she can help Grace is to keep the parents out of it.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#16 Aug 15, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
Lw will lose her granddaughter's trust if she goes to the parents. The best way she can help Grace is to keep the parents out of it.
I have to agree with this. Grandma can maybe help get grandaughter into therapy? Can she do that without the parents?

LW3: Toastmasters

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#17 Aug 15, 2013
How dare you go against me and side with the dog!

Then riddle me this catwoman:
If the daughter is going to grandma, dont you think she is hoping grandma will stand in her corner and help mediate with her parents?
Grandma never said (I dont think) that the kid made her promise not to tell her parents, just that they would yell.

Sounds like the kid wants the parents to know, but does not want all the yelling, so she is turning to grandma for help with that.

I forgive you.
Stina wrote:
<quoted text>
I have to agree with this. Grandma can maybe help get grandaughter into therapy? Can she do that without the parents?
LW3: Toastmasters
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#18 Aug 15, 2013
1: Oh, you always try and tip. If they refuse, accept it but I have received many of those and I tip. I figure it's a cheap price for a basically free service.

2: She wants help but again, we're in that sucky real-life situation where you can't control adults and you have to bide your time until you can be away from them.

3: He definitely needs therapy. If he can't even interview or talk to people, he will be screwed in life. Not sure how he came this far.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#19 Aug 15, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Good advice, sub.
Thanks.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#20 Aug 15, 2013
I think grandma needs to help the kid, but if she completely skips the parents, and they find out (and they will), they could cut her out completely and this kid needs grandma in her life, I think.

It's a pretty big deal to help a teen deal with a major issue and exclude her parents from it.

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