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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Jan 14, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: During my time in high school and college, I had some tumultuous relationships with men. Most cheated, were verbally abusive or were emotionally absent. I loved one of them in particular, but the rest were mere infatuations. These relationships left me heartbroken, and it took several years to heal from the damage that had been done.

I have not maintained any contact with any of these people, however, all of them have sent me messages through social networking sites within the past one or two years expressing regret and guilt over their treatment of me. A few even wanted to know how I was doing and hoped to have a friendship.

I declined to respond.

I have no desire to give any of these exes the time of day, not to mention a reply that signifies forgiveness and/or friendship.

I have been in a healthy and loving relationship for the past four years, one that is on its way to a marriage, and I do not want to threaten it in any way. However, I feel that I am holding back on granting possible closure for these men, who may have grown up in the past six or seven years and want to right the wrongs from the past. I fear that contacting them would open up several wounds that took very long to heal.

What do you think I should do?-- Hesitant

DEAR HESITANT: You say you don't want to forgive these men, and -- given your attitude about forgiveness -- why should you care about their getting some kind of "closure"?

You should imagine that the mere act of reaching out and making whatever conciliatory statements they are making might be closure enough for your exes.

You could easily reply to these messages with an innocuous statement like, "Thank you for getting in touch. I'm doing very well and wish you all the best."

Otherwise, if you feel that replying at all would place you or your relationship at risk, then by all means leave it alone and move on.

DEAR AMY: I was running on the lakefront path early this morning. I passed two runners who were missing one leg each and were wearing prosthetics.

I have the utmost respect for any runner, but especially for someone who is disabled. As I passed by them, I smiled and said, "You're both amazing!" Neither of them looked happy to receive this compliment, and I almost think they looked a little annoyed.

The rest of my run I was wondering if I offended them and thought maybe they didn't like being called out. I know my intentions were good, but I still feel bad if I offended them. Do you think it's better to not say anything next time I'm in a similar situation?-- Runner

DEAR RUNNER: You meant well and should not worry too much about this, but surely you can imagine that having an obvious disability subjects these runners to frequent comments and that sometimes they might simply like to run along the path just like everyone else.

Unless you pass a group of young children whose running you feel compelled to encourage, then -- yes -- I do think it's better to treat all of your fellow runners as simply fellow athletes who are all more or less equally amazing.

DEAR AMY: I'm responding to the letter in your column from "Shaking My Head," whose adult stepson was showing poor judgment about his life and is being enabled by various family members.

I teach a course in "boundaries," and this is a typical problem. Not setting boundaries does not help the person grow up and creates "permanent infants."

I have a saying: "If you are an enabler, you are an accessory to the crime." -- David

DEAR DAVID: Setting boundaries is tricky; many parents simply don't have the stomach to watch their kids flounder. Unfortunately most of us have to flounder before we can walk.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#2
Jan 14, 2013
 

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2- They've been hopping mad ever since they lost their legs!

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#3
Jan 14, 2013
 

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edogxxx wrote:
2- They've been hopping mad ever since they lost their legs!
(Thank you and Race for upholding my tradititon when I haven't been around).

Let's se, On Amy it is the crips' who are ticked off and teh commeneter feeling guilty. On Abby it is the fat girls who are miffed who are being told to brush it off.

Do they coordinate or something?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#4
Jan 14, 2013
 

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LW1: "I have been in a healthy and loving relationship for the past four years, one that is on its way to a marriage, and I do not want to threaten it in any way. However, I feel that I am holding back on granting possible closure for these men"

You think way too highly of yourself. These guys probably saw your name pop up as "people you might know". I highly doubt any of them will lose a second of sleep if you don't get back to them. You don't hold the key to their emotional or mental well being.

"if you feel that replying at all would place you or your relationship at risk, then by all means leave it alone and move on."

And btw, real strong relationship you've got there if you think replying would threaten it.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#5
Jan 14, 2013
 

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Agree with amby (puff-puff-pass)

I want to get paid to teach boundaries to spineless parents

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#6
Jan 14, 2013
 

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LW1: I doubt these men need closure and if they do, after all these years, who cares? They treated you like crap, from the sounds of it. Turn the page, move on, f''em, I say.

LW2: You should have said "you're both amazing ... I'd like to treat you to breakfast at IHOP after your run." Ahahahahaha!

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#7
Jan 14, 2013
 
So cold, but so funny
Sublime1 wrote:
LW2: You should have said "you're both amazing ... I'd like to treat you to breakfast at IHOP after your run." Ahahahahaha!
pde

Schaumburg, IL

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#8
Jan 14, 2013
 

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LW1: These guys are probably already patting themselves on the back for their ability to "man up" and act like they are decent human beings for a while.

Either that, or they've found it harder to find emotionally vulnerable people in recent years and they are checking to see who from the past is still in a bad enough place to respond.

You have no responsibility to respond to them.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#9
Jan 14, 2013
 
pde wrote:
LW1: These guys are probably already patting themselves on the back for their ability to "man up" and act like they are decent human beings for a while.
Either that, or they've found it harder to find emotionally vulnerable people in recent years and they are checking to see who from the past is still in a bad enough place to respond.
You have no responsibility to respond to them.
Wow. Do you hold such negative views for all men, or just these guys?

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#10
Jan 14, 2013
 
L1: You have no desire -- well, then so don't.

L2: What Amy said.

L3: All righty, then.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#11
Jan 14, 2013
 

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LW1: The fact that you had to write Amy about this says maybe it's *you* who needs the closure. You know- the lady doth protest too much.

And I do think that the old boyfriends do indeed want closure. One of my ex's tracked me down on two separate occasions to apologize for how he treated me. The last time it really felt like he was working on an AA step and needed an acknowledgement. I was no skin off my nose <mimishurg>

LW2: Your heart was in the right space, but just try a big smile next time.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#12
Jan 14, 2013
 

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pde wrote:
LW1: These guys are probably already patting themselves on the back for their ability to "man up" and act like they are decent human beings for a while.
Either that, or they've found it harder to find emotionally vulnerable people in recent years and they are checking to see who from the past is still in a bad enough place to respond.
You have no responsibility to respond to them.
Interesting how differntly we view this letter.

"Most cheated, were verbally abusive or were emotionally absent."

"These relationships left me heartbroken, and it took several years to heal from the damage that had been done."

Cheated on and emotionally absent. Sounds to me like, in general, she was not really that important to any of them. Insignificant in the grand scheme of things. None of this leads me to believe that years later they are still carrying the weight of how they treated her.

With everyone connecting with everyone and their mother on facebook, it sems to me they thought it might me nice to re-connect. I doubt anyone of them place the same significance as she does on this innocuous friend request. She's still seething over the way she was treated (or at least her perception of it) and they are likely long over it.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#13
Jan 14, 2013
 

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Toj wrote:
L1: You have no desire -- well, then so don't.
Despite all the drama LW is trying to manufacture, this is really the best answer.
Sam I Am

Huntingdon, TN

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#14
Jan 14, 2013
 
1. Their closure is not your problem. Though it sounds like you might need some closure.

2. Because what they heard was "You're amazing...considering your disability." And that's pretty much what you were saying.

3. Enabling can be detrimental? Who knew?

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#15
Jan 14, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Despite all the drama LW is trying to manufacture, this is really the best answer.
Ha! Meany face strikes again. I tell ya, I normally don't notice those stupid icons so much. Now I'll probably notice them all day.

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#16
Jan 14, 2013
 
L1: Team Tonka again.

L2: MYOB. I know you meant it as a compliment, but they don't want to be pointed out.

Since: Jan 10

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#17
Jan 14, 2013
 

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L1: What the hell is wrong with you? You are complaining that your *high school* BOYfriends were emotionally unavailable? These guys reaching out to you risks your current relationship?

You're an idiot.

L2: you're a condescending, smug person. Stop thinking that people who are physically flawed need a boost from you.

Since: Jul 10

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#18
Jan 14, 2013
 
LW1: ALL of your high school and college boyfriends have contacted you to apologize?
Bullshnizzle.

Since: Jul 10

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#19
Jan 14, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
Interesting how differntly we view this letter.
"Most cheated, were verbally abusive or were emotionally absent."
"These relationships left me heartbroken, and it took several years to heal from the damage that had been done."
Cheated on and emotionally absent. Sounds to me like, in general, she was not really that important to any of them. Insignificant in the grand scheme of things. None of this leads me to believe that years later they are still carrying the weight of how they treated her.
With everyone connecting with everyone and their mother on facebook, it sems to me they thought it might me nice to re-connect. I doubt anyone of them place the same significance as she does on this innocuous friend request. She's still seething over the way she was treated (or at least her perception of it) and they are likely long over it.
I doubt that any of them think there is anything to get over. They saw someone they used to know, and wrote to say "How ya doin'?" and she sees that as remorse for hurting her.
I'm not buying it.
pde

Schaumburg, IL

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#20
Jan 14, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
Interesting how differntly we view this letter.
I was reading the sentence "within the past one or two years expressing regret and guilt over their treatment of me"

That sounds like more than a simple friend request.

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