Comments
1 - 20 of 21 Comments Last updated Jan 10, 2013
First Prev
of 2
Next Last

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#1
Jan 10, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: I am a happily married 70-year-old woman with a family. I have been friends for 15 years with a single woman. In recent years, the friendship has not been rewarding for me, but I continued to see her out of loyalty.

She started giving me unwanted health advice and was insistent until I asked her politely but firmly to stop. Several weeks went by, then I asked her to lunch. She went into a 15-minute tirade about how poorly I had treated her. I said that I was sorry, but I told her that she needs to respect me and my judgment on my life issues. She finally settled down. After that, I did not want to see her anymore.

I felt guilty and depressed. We volunteer for the same organization, and I've been polite. She sent me a long letter about wanting to resume our friendship, then an email inviting me on an expensive trip she would pay for.

I replied, saying that the friendship was too intense and that I no longer had the energy for it. Now I have received a love letter, which is embarrassing and depressing for me.

I want to ignore it, but should I tell her one more time that the friendship is over? She has had therapy in the past, and I wonder if she is stable.-- Too Old for This

DEAR TOO OLD: You have been very responsive to this person, and she has upped the emotional ante each time. If you want to ignore this, then you should. You don't owe her more explanations or acknowledgments.

She may approach you again -- either in person or in writing -- and if she does you're going to have to convey that the relationship is over. If you choose to do this, keep your message simple, direct and respectful.

DEAR AMY: I have been married to my husband for 20 years. We have three teenage children. My husband is an alcoholic and in denial. He has become very disagreeable not only with me but with our three kids.

I have found that I just don't like him anymore, and I feel we have all lost respect for him. He refuses to go to AA or to admit that his drinking is a problem. He has some serious health issues that are compounded by his drinking.

I am at my wits' end. Separation is not an option due to limited finances. His parents agree that he has a problem, but they drink too, and aren't good allies. I have gone to Al-Anon, but was unhappy with the religious aspect at the meetings. Do you have any ideas?-- Worried Wife

DEAR WORRIED: The basic lessons of Al-Anon can be extremely helpful -- even transformative -- for you and your children. You might have luck finding a secular "friends and family" recovery group through your local hospital or university.

Author Melody Beattie literally wrote the book on co-dependency. Her book "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" (1986, Hazelden) is considered a classic of this genre. Reading it might help you and your children understand how to cope with your husband's drinking.

DEAR AMY: Like others, I just had to respond to the letter from "PO'd Husband," about his wife's struggles staying away from her co-worker's candy dish.

I have a candy container on the filing cabinet next to my desk, visible to all who enter the office. I don't eat it; there is usually something chocolate, but being diabetic I know better than to eat it.

I may grab one occasionally, but I know my limits. We are responsible for our own health and should have the maturity and willpower to resist temptation for things that we know are detrimental to our health and well-being.-- In Control

DEAR CONTROL: Your willpower is admirable. I agree that mature people must find their own ways to cope with their own temptations. As I said to this concerned husband, the world cannot remove all risk from his wife's path.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#2
Jan 10, 2013
 
L1: I feel for your lovelorn friend, but you're MARRIED and she is behaving poorly. DTMFA.

L2: All I know is, THANK FSM my alcoholic ex and I didn't have kids. Also, I would seriously consider an intervention in this situation. I can't think of a single thing that has damaged more families and more kids than alcohol abuse.

L3: Knock it off, amy. Just knock it off with the repetitive rehashes.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#3
Jan 10, 2013
 
LW1: Love letter? Huh? Like I want to munch your carpet love letter?

You've made your feelings clear. I would just ignore her. Where do these folks come from who fight so hard to stay friends with someone who has clearly indicated they don't want to be friends anymore?

LW2: Again ... this is why as a woman, you don't set yourself up to rely on a man to take care of you. You should strive to equip yourself to be self sufficient should you have to. You can't abrogate your responsibility to ensure that you could care for yourself and then do the pity parade about how you are trapped, IMO.

Your choices are simple ... either stay or go. You can't force someone to stop drinking. You also don't need to go to a support group to realize this or accept this. If it helps you cope, sure do it, but attending these meetings it isn't going to change his behavior or fix your marriage.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#4
Jan 10, 2013
 
LW1 :Keep track of her correspondences. If she IS unstable, you might need that to show her escalation if you end up having to buss a cap in her ass.

LW2: "I have gone to Al-Anon, but was unhappy with the religious aspect at the meetings."
You need to find Jesus.

LW3: Put a pucture of her with a cartoon bubble above her head, saying, "Put that down, fatty" Each time she takes a piece, photoshop the photo so she's bigger and bigger.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5
Jan 10, 2013
 
1 Face it, you've atracted a nutter. Reach out to her relatives or close friends before you find a rabbit boiling on your stove.

2 I respect the objection to Al-Anon due to the religious aspect. AA and the other popular free support groups typically have the spiritual component, which isn't a good fit for a lot of people.

3 Whatever....

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#6
Jan 10, 2013
 
A lot of non religious people get help from AA and Al-Anon with the attitude, "Take what you need, ignore the religious stuff."

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#7
Jan 10, 2013
 
LW1: I don't think you should respond, it will just fuel her weirdness. When you see her out, just be polite but not friendly. This person needs a clear boundary.

LW2: With or with out AA/Al-Anon, you gotta get your kids out of this situation. Thankfully, they're old enough to see the reality of the situation; I bet they *want out*.

LW3: Why should we listen to you when you can't seem to stay away from the rehash in the candy bowl, Amy.

Since: Mar 09

United States

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#8
Jan 10, 2013
 
L1: I feel like I missed something. Love letter? I swear, where do these crazies come from?

Since: Mar 09

United States

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#9
Jan 10, 2013
 
squishymama wrote:
LW3: Why should we listen to you when you can't seem to stay away from the rehash in the candy bowl, Amy.
HAHA! Love this.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#10
Jan 10, 2013
 
Saluki Rod wrote:
2 I respect the objection to Al-Anon due to the religious aspect. AA and the other popular free support groups typically have the spiritual component, which isn't a good fit for a lot of people.
AA has changed their stance on the religious aspect a bit. They still promote gaining strength from something "greater than yourself" but leave that open to the individual's interpretation.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#11
Jan 10, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
LW2: "I have gone to Al-Anon, but was unhappy with the religious aspect at the meetings."
You need to find Jesus.
Ha!
Sam I Am

Huntingdon, TN

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#12
Jan 10, 2013
 
1. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Thank you for having the balls to tell her how you felt. Now stand by it.

2. Kick him out. Your kids are the most important thing. Finances might be limited, but your tolerance for this situation must be more limited. Boot him and make it clear he will not be welcome back until he improves.

3. Bickering about the work candy bowl? My god, I would shoot myself if I had these kinds of problems.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#13
Jan 10, 2013
 
Sam I Am wrote:
3. Bickering about the work candy bowl? My god, I would shoot myself if I had these kinds of problems.
You wouldn't use an assault rifle with a 30 bullet clip, tho, I bet. Those are too dangerous!

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#14
Jan 10, 2013
 
LOL!
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
You wouldn't use an assault rifle with a 30 bullet clip, tho, I bet. Those are too dangerous!

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#15
Jan 10, 2013
 
1 You hottie! Even other women want some of that!

2 Your nagging does not make him want to drink any less yanno!

3 Squishy, you nailed it!

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#16
Jan 10, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
AA has changed their stance on the religious aspect a bit. They still promote gaining strength from something "greater than yourself" but leave that open to the individual's interpretation.
it depends on the chapter. Some are very religious, some are not. In a small town, you may have to take the one chapter you have and live with it.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#17
Jan 10, 2013
 
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: Love letter? Huh? Like I want to munch your carpet love letter?
You've made your feelings clear. I would just ignore her. Where do these folks come from who fight so hard to stay friends with someone who has clearly indicated they don't want to be friends anymore?
LW2: Again ... this is why as a woman, you don't set yourself up to rely on a man to take care of you. You should strive to equip yourself to be self sufficient should you have to. You can't abrogate your responsibility to ensure that you could care for yourself and then do the pity parade about how you are trapped, IMO.
Your choices are simple ... either stay or go. You can't force someone to stop drinking. You also don't need to go to a support group to realize this or accept this. If it helps you cope, sure do it, but attending these meetings it isn't going to change his behavior or fix your marriage.
That's two days in a row that I agree with you 100%. Time to get a refill on the coffee.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#18
Jan 10, 2013
 
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
That's two days in a row that I agree with you 100%. Time to get a refill on the coffee.
I'm glad I made that easy for you.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#19
Jan 10, 2013
 
LW2 limited shmimeted finances... my SIL walked (or got kicked out dependin on whose family you;re in) after losing the house, the business and nearly her self esteem... she's in counsleing and on aid, now, and is happier than she;s been for years. there are still some ghosts in teh corners, but they're getting beaten down as time goes on.

Oh, she lives in the 'hood, is the only white person there, and is a waitress at a soon-to-be-failing restaurant... how's taht for limited finances?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#20
Jan 10, 2013
 
Is she hot?
Aisle Sitter wrote:
LW2 limited shmimeted finances... my SIL walked (or got kicked out dependin on whose family you;re in) after losing the house, the business and nearly her self esteem... she's in counsleing and on aid, now, and is happier than she;s been for years. there are still some ghosts in teh corners, but they're getting beaten down as time goes on.
Oh, she lives in the 'hood, is the only white person there, and is a waitress at a soon-to-be-failing restaurant... how's taht for limited finances?

Tell me when this thread is updated: (Registration is not required)

Add to my Tracker Send me an email

First Prev
of 2
Next Last
Type in your comments below
Name
(appears on your post)
Comments
Characters left: 4000
Type the numbers you see in the image on the right:

Please note by clicking on "Post Comment" you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

29 Users are viewing the Chicago Forum right now

Search the Chicago Forum:
Title Updated Last By Comments
Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 58 min XYZ 1,083,049
One kilometre high and counting (Jul '07) 1 hr NITiN 22
BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 2 hr wojar 175,058
Once slow-moving threat, global warming speeds ... (Dec '08) 2 hr Subliminal 45,866
Six-year-old girl watches in horror as police '... 2 hr hands on AR 7
IL Who do you support for Governor in Illinois in ... (Oct '10) 4 hr raphael 3,841
Messianic Jews say they are persecuted in Israel (Jun '08) 4 hr HughBe 68,430
Topix Chitown Regulars (Aug '09) 11 hr Sublime1 97,573
•••
•••
•••
•••

Chicago Jobs

•••
Enter and win $5000
•••
•••

Chicago People Search

Addresses and phone numbers for FREE

•••

Chicago News, Events & Info

Click for news, events and info in Chicago
•••

Personal Finance

Mortgages [ See current mortgage rates ]
•••