Amy June 10

[PEllen]

Dear Amy: I am in my 30s and have a 5-year-old child.

I have been fortunate not to need day care as both of my child's grandmothers have helped while I am at work. I work three days a week. My mother watches my child one day and my mother-in-law the other two days. Because they each help during the week, I feel guilty asking for extra baby-sitting if something comes up on the weekend.

My aunt (my mother's sister) is more than willing to take my child on overnights. We do this maybe three to four times a year. My child loves spending time with her and my uncle, and they love having her. Unfortunately my mother has been fighting with my aunt for years.

She doesn't want me to have a relationship with her and definitely doesn't want my child to spend time with her.

The thing is, although my mom says she would watch my child extra, I know she really doesn't want to. She constantly reminds me that she works full time and doesn't have a lot of free time to herself. She really makes me feel guilty.

If she finds out my aunt has baby-sat, she is nasty to me and will stop speaking to me for a time. I have decided to not have her watch my child at all because of this. I really hate to have it be like this between us. I don't want to pick between my mom and my aunt.

Do you have any advice for me?

— Upset Mom

Dear Upset: Do you have an independent relationship with these family members that does not involve asking them to baby-sit? I hope so.

Has it occurred to you to pay a qualified nonfamily member to watch your child? I hope so.

If your mother works full time and has also been watching your child one day a week, I can understand why she is wrung out. If you haven't already, you should let her off the hook (permanently) in terms of being a regular sitter.

However, your mother does not get to dictate whom your child spends time with. She should not punish you for having a relationship with your aunt and uncle (or anyone). Don't budge on this. She will have to adjust to something she doesn't like.

This toxicity and family tension are not good for any of you. Be calm, firm and loving with your mother, and never involve your child in any tug of war.

Dear Amy: My wife and I are members of a resort community where golfing fees at an adjacent public course have recently become included in our yearly dues.

When couples stay with us this summer and want to play golf, we feel it might become awkward when they are asked to pay to play each time while it appears that we are playing for free (obviously we have already paid up front).

We don't want to act like poor hosts. Should we subsidize our guests' golfing?

— Happy Duffer

Dear Duffer: You've already paid for a season's pass. I can't imagine anyone would assume that you were playing for free at a golf course that charges everyone for fees.

If you want to be extra generous, you could treat your guests to rounds of golf while they are staying with you, but it's not required. You would not be thought stingy if you didn't treat.

Dear Amy: I am a single, 45-year-old man and though I'm not a dedicated reader of your column, I do glance at it from time to time.

The reason that I am writing you is because of your response to "New Mom." She wrote to you because her 5-year-old son was acting up now that there was a new baby in the house.

Your response made so much sense to me that it brought tears to my eyes. I hope that many new mothers and fathers head your advice.

— Dave

Dear Dave: Thank you. I appreciate it very much. The nut of my advice was to cut the little guy a break, while loving him abundantly. This works in all sorts of situations.

[PEllen]

One thing that Amy did not mention is the 5 year old's perspective. Continuity of adult relationships is real important to young kids. They internalize them, rely on them and , if the child psych stuff I have read is accurate continuity is a strong element in whether the child grows up emotionally resilient. I also wonder what Grandma says about Aunty Em to the child.

Even so I agree with Amy's advice

L2 I got nothing

L3 Even for rehash this is awful. A 45 year old bachelor gets a tear in his eye because of advice to a new mom and it is printed? Urrphh blakkk errpp.

To be fair, the inclusion of this may be a space filler chosen by the newspaper or the syndicator and not Amy, but my response is the same

[Mimi Seattle]

Disclaimer: Sublime length post, not really awake, not enough coffee, random thoughts...

I mostly can't abide my sister. Moreover I have (had I guess now that they are all dead) very specific issues with my parents (bio's and step's) to the point that Chris's dad (who also had family issues) and I made a specific point, detailing all of our individual and collective reasons why, in the even of both of our deaths while Chris was till a minor, that none of them was to be his guardian.

That said, I (and his dad) felt that it was necessary for him to develop his OWN relationships with various family members. After all, WE were his main influences, and living more than 1000 miles away from any of them for the majority of his childhood, he didn't have exposure to them too much and when he did, at least one of us would be around to supervise/mitigate.

We figured he would make up his own mind about them. He did. Not that any of them were evil people, just pretty fucked up in general and in some very specifics ways which we felt he shouldn't be exposed to.

He developed more or less pretty good relationships with all of them independent of his father's and my issues. He was also savvy enough to see them for what they were, fallible human beings. <shrug>

If not for the very specific actions we took to limit his exposure however, my mom would have been just like LW's mom and been all prima donna-ish and likely bad mouthing everyone else to him. I just wouldn't tolerate that and she knew it.

OTOH, I never, ever, not one single time, asked anyone to babysit, much less on a regular basis. <shrug again>

[pde]

PEllen wrote:

One thing that Amy did not mention is the 5 year old's perspective. Continuity of adult relationships is real important to young kids. They internalize them, rely on them and , if the child psych stuff I have read is accurate continuity is a strong element in whether the child grows up emotionally resilient. I also wonder what Grandma says about Aunty Em to the child.

If the child is 5 years old, he or she should be starting kindergarten (or even possibly 1st grade the kid is turning 6 before school starts) this fall. It's a good time to shake up babysitting arrangements and re-establish those types of relationships in a new way. Personally, given the entire mess described, I'd put the child in school and use the available afterschool care as needed.

[edogxxx]

1- Tell your mom to grow up. Why is she so concerned about who's babysitting your child? Yeesh.

2- Um, you think your guests don't realize people can't play golf for free? I think you're worried about a non-issue.

3- Amy's advice usually makes me cry, too.

[Jess in NJ]

pde wrote:

<quoted text>If the child is 5 years old, he or she should be starting kindergarten (or even possibly 1st grade the kid is turning 6 before school starts) this fall. It's a good time to shake up babysitting arrangements and re-establish those types of relationships in a new way. Personally, given the entire mess described, I'd put the child in school and use the available afterschool care as needed.

ITA, and if the Grandmas are offended then Mom can explain that she wants her kid to have the peer interaction that they get at after/before care.

The problem my SIL is running into with my MIL is that Mom feels she should have more say in SIL's parenting decisions because she is watching my nephew 3-4 days a week and "helping to raise him", so SIL's decisions affect her, too. Ugh. She is the GRANDparent, not the parent.

[Mimi Seattle]

Jess in NJ wrote:

<quoted text>
She is the GRANDparent, not the parent.

Some people never quite get this.

[Julie]

LW1: "Do you have any advice for me?"

Yup---stop freeloading off your relatives. You are a USER.

[Mister Tonka]

LW1: "Has it occurred to you to pay a qualified nonfamily member to watch your child? I hope so."
STFU. If you have a trusted family member willing to watch your child for free, you jump at that gift. If you can't get mom to act like an adult, THEN you might have no choice.

LW2: If you lived in Orlando and bought annual passes to Disney, would you feel the need to pay for out of town guests? If so, I wanna come vacation with you, sucker.

LW3: Something Amy said brought tears to your eyes? You stupid misguided sissy.

[cycle003]

PEllen wrote:

One thing that Amy did not mention is the 5 year old's perspective. Continuity of adult relationships is real important to young kids. They internalize them, rely on them and , if the child psych stuff I have read is accurate continuity is a strong element in whether the child grows up emotionally resilient. I also wonder what Grandma says about Aunty Em to the child.
Even so I agree with Amy's advice

While continuity of adult relationships is important, it doesn't mean that changing routines is a problem. It's more like kids need to learn that the adults in their lives will be there for them and that they can count on some stability in their lives. Cutting grandma out completely would probably be a bad idea, but taking her out of the babysitting rotation shouldn't be a big concern.