Reformed mom wants to reclaim her son

Reformed mom wants to reclaim her son

There are 138 comments on the Chicago Tribune story from Mar 30, 2009, titled Reformed mom wants to reclaim her son. In it, Chicago Tribune reports that:

Dear Amy: My son is 10 years old. I got myself into a lot of trouble when I was 18.

Join the discussion below, or Read more at Chicago Tribune.

WTF

United States

#82 Mar 31, 2009
k8ordie wrote:
<quoted text>
well, sorry you haven't been able to work out your issues surrounding adoption...we all faced those regarding abandonment and not being good enough and feeling disconnected and lost. the adopted kids who say these issues don't exist are kidding themselves or haven't realised how adoption affects them. but personally, my adoption into my family was overall a positive experience and i continue to believe that in many cases, adoption is the best answer for children who need loving homes. mothers do not put their children up for adoption without feeling repercussions, either. the stark reality with regard to foster care is that reunification does not always work and adoption becomes the preferable permanent alternative.
as i stated, i have had these boys in my care since they were infants. were their parents able to complete the work the court deemed necessary to regain custody of their children, we wouldn't be having this discussion.
working in foster care, i believe also that reunification is best for the child. but only if that means the child can live with his bio family safely. that, sadly, is not often the case. it doesn't mean we don't try.
i understand what you mean by madness. you should really try to work through your issues. i will tell you it sucks and is hard but will really change your life for the better if you can. i usually only have really snarky and snide comments to make in the trib posting section but this time i sincerely mean it: i wish you the best of luck.
Oh I see, I have "issues" because I don't agree with baby selling. Okay. As long as we have it straight out in the open.

IT IS UNNATURAL and wrong.

“Merry Holidays!”

Since: Mar 08

Location hidden

#84 Mar 31, 2009
WTF wrote:
<quoted text>
I think a lot more needs to be done to keep families together, not tear them apart.
Some parents really can't deal with children. They can make babies but not care for them unfortunately. For all different reasons. Drugs, mental illness, etc.

What do you do with the babies left on the church doorstep or the child left purposely at the police station with no parent to be found?

It actually quite difficult to terminate parental rights if the parent does not want them to terminate.

Since: Oct 07

Chicago, IL

#85 Mar 31, 2009
Bryan wrote:
Does the mother not bear any responsibility in this case???? My wife and I are in the process of terminating the right's of my sister-in-law and the father of the baby. She is in jail and he is a drug dealer. Neither one of them cares for this child. I don't care of she ever changes. It would not be fair to us who spent the money to give our niece and nice life (and the associated legal fees) and then have our niece removed because the mother finally woke up and decided to change her life. She was given this chance multiple times and failed each time. The mother in the letter should be allowed to see her son but I don't think she should be able to take him home just because she changed. Kudos to the mother for changing but too little, too late.
Bryan, I applaud you and your wife for stepping up and raising someone else's child - truly I do. But, where your post goes wrong (as do the thought processes of so many others in custody battles) is right here: "It would not be fair to US...." (Emphasis added.) The only relevant consideration in any custody matter is, and should be, what is in the CHILD'S best interest. We are all human, so we get caught up in all of the other stuff (e.g., how much money, time and effort we've put into giving the child a better life, etc.), but all of that needs to be set aside.

I don't profess to know your situation, and it sounds like - for now - your niece is right where she ought to be. But that does not mean that the current situation is the end-all-be-all and will always be in her best interest.

LW1 should not push herself on her child, but that does not mean that she should not be afforded the opportunity to get to know him and reestablish a role in his life, unless doing so would not be in his best interest (i.e., it would cause him undue stress, anxiety, and/or harm).
Blah

Portland, CT

#86 Mar 31, 2009
Hey lady it isn't about you. It's about your son.
get a life

Boston, MA

#87 Mar 31, 2009
Been there wrote:
<quoted text>
I think the original letter said the chairs were in their rec room or extra room and I'm pretty sure she just wanted to borrow it. She may not have a lot of room in her home for this to be a permanant thing and not want to buy one.
I believe, the daughter and son-in-law were living with the parents.

“Joy is the shadow cast by pain”

Since: Dec 08

Twin Cities, MN

#88 Mar 31, 2009
WTF wrote:
<quoted text>
Get some food hope you CHOKE on it.
Get some therapy. You need it.

Since: Oct 07

Chicago, IL

#89 Mar 31, 2009
K8ordie, you almost lost me with the forced sterilization, but great post otherwise! Keep up the good work!
Cass

Upland, CA

#90 Mar 31, 2009
Think About It wrote:
If the in laws were any kind of people to be raising a child they would realize most children greatly benefit from having involvment with ALL the people who love them. They sound selfish, they should WANT this boy to be reunited with the mother, but they can only think of themselves.....
I am not sure I agree. My uncle was an alcoholic. He loved his son, but when he got drunk, he beat him. When he wasn't drunk, he seemed to be a great dad. My aunt divorced him and discouraged involvement beyond court-ordered visitation. I don't think my cousin would have benefited from more involvement with his father, but I don't think my uncle didn't love his son. Whenever he was on the wagon, he tried very hard to be a good dad, but apparently not hard enough not to get off the wagon and become violent again.

“I'm bringing sexy back...”

Since: Jan 09

Location hidden

#91 Mar 31, 2009
Terri at home wrote:
<quoted text>
It actually quite difficult to terminate parental rights if the parent does not want them to terminate.
In Florida, even if the parent is willing, you cannot terminate parental rights unless there is someone willing to adopt the child. I looked this up because I wanted to terminate Lo's father's parental rights, and he agreed to it, but I would have to be married and have my husband ready to adopt since the courts want the child to have two parents.

Since: Jan 09

Location hidden

#92 Mar 31, 2009
AngelaMN wrote:
<quoted text>
It's because you made a ridiculous statement that adoption is unnatural and shouldn't be allowed based on what likely is your own bad experience.
The adults I know who were adopted are well-adjusted, well-loved people with great adoptive parents and happy lives.
Just because your experience apparently sucked doesn't mean it's a bad thing and shouldn't happen. To think otherwise is the ultimate in self-absorption and self-pity.
But whatever. It's probably what gets you out of bed in the morning.
Well, the adoption industry in this country is completely out of whack, and goes against every other country's way of handling the same issues...as well the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child.

Many things that are done WRT adoption in this country are actually illegal. You don't have to have a "bad" experience personally to recognize the injustices.

My guess is that Think About It is reacting so strongly here because there is so much prejudice against adult adoptees in our society. At some point, adoptees get sick and tired of having to defend themselves and explain the facts from scratch every single time the subject comes up.

That said, k8ordie is a positive example of how it COULD be: of someone who has done the research and the soul searching. What a difference it makes, for everyone involved in the issue. We can see much more balance in his/her approach. If only more people were as educated on the subject.

It's easier, though, to be listened to and respected when you speak as an adoptive or foster parent rather than as the "child." So k8ordie is going into this discussion with an advantage that Think About It doesn't have.
Maruska

Chicago, IL

#93 Mar 31, 2009
I'm not bothering to read all the comments, so i apologize if this has been covered already.

LW2: You "gave" your brother a ring that had belong to your father and his. I say "gave" because unless it was explicitly left to you in the will, it wasn't really your ring to give, was it? But let's leave that aside - I'll assume for your sake that it was yours to give.

You gave it to your brother THIRTY YEARS ago. It is no longer your father's ring, it is your brother's ring. It's still staying in the family, because his wife and any children they may have are family too.

Stop being selfish. If you wanted to keep it, you should've never given it to him in the first place. It would be really low-class to ask for that ring back.
CAM

Whiting, IN

#94 Mar 31, 2009
This letter is a tiny bit unclear. It appears she had her probation revoked 10 years ago and was out after 3.
I think fighting for 7 years in this wasy has clearly not been productive, she has to get a lawyer and fight for visitation.
This child does not sound like he has been in great hands with the in-laws if he has been bounced around between them.
Just keeping them away from her doesn't mean they are doing a good job.
Young people screw up all the time and while I do not condone this behavior it sounds like she has been working on her life in a very positive way for a long time, which would actually be good for her son.
You cannot deny the child his right to know his parent.
I don't think uprooting him and changing his whole life is a good idea either, both sides really need to come together for the good of this boy.

Since: Jan 09

Location hidden

#95 Mar 31, 2009
Terri at home wrote:
Some parents really can't deal with children. They can make babies but not care for them unfortunately. For all different reasons. Drugs, mental illness, etc.
ITA with you there!
Terri at home wrote:
What do you do with the babies left on the church doorstep or the child left purposely at the police station with no parent to be found?
That's one of those theories that is actually a lot scarier in reality than people realize. Most of the stories regarding these so-called "safe haven" laws, the baby in question is dropped off by someone who by the very description in the news story is obviously not the child's mother.

Imagine a selfish MIL who doesn't want her son tied down with his new wife/gf and child. Or a babysitter who has had enough of the baby's crying. Or a jealous ex-partner. There's no fail-safe. Once the baby is gone, it's gone.

Also, the sort of mother who can't cope and wants to dump her baby is not statistically the most likely to go out of her way to find a fire, police or medical location (away from her local area, so she's not recognized). It doesn't really work that way. The women who are that desperate or drugged up or mentally unstable don't suddenly think "aha, I can drop the baby off legally if I take the bus downtown to the police station." The kind of mother who is thinking that clearly already has the ability to find another way out of the situation without resorting to a dumpster.

It's one of those feel-good laws that doesn't actually work the way it's supposed to.

“Joy is the shadow cast by pain”

Since: Dec 08

Twin Cities, MN

#96 Mar 31, 2009
TamoraRose wrote:
<quoted text>
Well, the adoption industry in this country is completely out of whack, and goes against every other country's way of handling the same issues...as well the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child.
Many things that are done WRT adoption in this country are actually illegal. You don't have to have a "bad" experience personally to recognize the injustices.
My guess is that Think About It is reacting so strongly here because there is so much prejudice against adult adoptees in our society. At some point, adoptees get sick and tired of having to defend themselves and explain the facts from scratch every single time the subject comes up.
That said, k8ordie is a positive example of how it COULD be: of someone who has done the research and the soul searching. What a difference it makes, for everyone involved in the issue. We can see much more balance in his/her approach. If only more people were as educated on the subject.
It's easier, though, to be listened to and respected when you speak as an adoptive or foster parent rather than as the "child." So k8ordie is going into this discussion with an advantage that Think About It doesn't have.
Thanks, TR. I was unduly harsh but that personís statement was just out of this world. I know several people who were adopted, including relatives and a friend of 20 years, and have never witnessed anything that would tell me thereís any kind of a stigma attached to being adopted. I canít imagine how that could be.

I guess itís good to have been lucky that way.
Whatthe

Gooding, ID

#97 Mar 31, 2009
Why is LW1 writing to Amy instead of getting a lawyer? Sounds like money isn't the issue because she bought that 4 bedroom house.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#98 Mar 31, 2009
What other choices would you have preferred?
Think About It wrote:
k8ordie -
I too am an adult adoptee and couldn't disagree with you more. Adoption should be against the law, it's completely unnatural. Sorry to hear you are perpetuating the MADNESS.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#99 Mar 31, 2009
Are there no conditions under which adoption is an option?
WTF wrote:
<quoted text>
I think a lot more needs to be done to keep families together, not tear them apart.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#100 Mar 31, 2009
Explain what?
Who would ask an adopted person to tell their story? Thats just nosey, and should be treated as such.
TamoraRose wrote:
<quoted text>
My guess is that Think About It is reacting so strongly here because there is so much prejudice against adult adoptees in our society. At some point, adoptees get sick and tired of having to defend themselves and explain the facts from scratch every single time the subject comes up.

Since: Feb 09

Evanston, IL

#101 Mar 31, 2009
WTF wrote:
<quoted text>
Oh I see, I have "issues" because I don't agree with baby selling. Okay. As long as we have it straight out in the open.
IT IS UNNATURAL and wrong.
i never said i advocated the practice of "selling" babies. my post regarded the importance of biological family in their children's lives. there is a place in this world for domestic and international adoptions, despite your personal experience. there is nothing unnatural about a person stepping in to parent a child who needs parenting; it's been going on in every society since the dawn of time.

and yes, your incoherent posts do demonstrate you have issues. i was sincere in wishing you luck and i wasn't berating you for it. it takes a strong person to work through them, and i hope you can and do.

Since: Feb 09

Evanston, IL

#102 Mar 31, 2009
RACE wrote:
Explain what?
Who would ask an adopted person to tell their story? Thats just nosey, and should be treated as such.
<quoted text>
well, issues surrounding adoption can be personal, but still folks ask questions all the time. most are just curious, but sometimes people are somewhat nosy or tactless. adoption is not anything to be ashamed of even though there are personal issues the adoptee faces internally that sometimes can affect them.

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