“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jun 5, 2013
DEAR AMY: I have been married to my husband for two years. I am happy with our marriage and with how I am treated, but he can't seem to hold a job. He has been hired countless times and has lost every job.

I am currently in school and we moved in with his parents to make it easier on me, since I hold the bills.

My side of the family seems to think that I am being mistreated and that my husband has no respect for me, because he "makes me work."

Sometimes I feel this way, but I see him as my soul mate, and I just don't see how having a bad job history should influence who I decide to stay with for the rest of my life.

I have expressed my feelings to him and he listens. He also treats me well, cooks and cleans the house when I ask. Should I be worried that I am being mistreated?-- In Love

DEAR IN LOVE: You and your husband exist in an in-between place where you are adults, but not living a fully independent and adult life. Your parents (and his, likely) consider your relationship to be "fair game" and thus can weigh in on it.

You do not mention why your husband can't keep a job. Does he have chronic problems -- such as a drug/drinking habit, lateness or a mental or emotional issue -- that make him unemployable?

And if you are going to school and he is not occupied, is there a reason he needs to be prompted to do housework?

Your parents likely look at this pattern of patchy employment and bills piling up and worry about the effect on you. You should listen to them respectfully, but if you feel good about your marriage, you will have to reassure them.

Unless your husband shows definite efforts to step up and either successfully commit to being a working man or a competent house husband while you work, then this unstable pattern will continue and will wear you both down to the nub.

DEAR AMY: I need suggestions on how to deal with my father. I'm considering cutting off all contact, but am not sure he'd even notice.

Dad is in his 70s and has a live-in girlfriend. She has done nothing but alienate my siblings and me since they have been together. It hurts so much knowing that my father doesn't miss having his kids and grandkids in his life.

We all live over an hour away, so when we do get home we'd like to spend time with Dad. He doesn't make time for us.

I'm not sure I can take another afternoon of hearing about how wonderful their last get together was with her kids and grandchildren, when we've never met them and aren't invited. I don't want to call or visit because I'm left feeling so heartbroken.

It has been years since Dad has expressed an interest in visiting any of us (or his grandchildren), and I at least have stopped bringing it up to avoid the rejection.-- Sad Daughter

DEAR DAUGHTER: Your father got a life, and you feel left out and lonely. I can see how tough this would be for you and your siblings -- especially if your mother is gone (you don't say).

Your father is not being sensitive to you, so you will have to express yourself honestly to him, while also changing your approach to be more positive and proactive.

The way into your father's sightline may be though his girlfriend. You should express an interest in meeting her family and also invite her to bring your dad to visit you. If you are able to successfully blend your families, you (and all the kids) could benefit.

DEAR AMY: "Not a Neat Freak" expressed a concern that her friend was raising her baby in a dangerous hoarding household. The friend was persistent in inviting her over.

This is a situation that cries out for total honesty. Honesty might end the friendship, but so would calling Child Protective Services.-- Not Neat, Either

DEAR NOT NEAT: Calling Child Protective Services should be a last resort.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Jun 5, 2013
L1: He's unemployed, only cooks and cleans WHEN ASKED, and you're living with his mommy and daddy. Why on earth did you marry this loser?

L2: So stop going.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Jun 5, 2013
1 If he cant hold a job, then he needs to get to school himself. Oh, wait. Your happy with this mess. Well, you wont be, but have fun.

2 I got lost at the point where you got home but visited your dad an hour away. Anyway man up and tell him to make some GD time if you are.

3 Dumb rehash to a dumb letter
tiredofit

Los Angeles, CA

#4 Jun 5, 2013
Don't call Child Protective Services on someone who has a dirty house. News here is reporting a child who was beat to death by his mother's live in boyfriend. Apparently CPS and the Sheriff's dept. had been called in the past. He fell through the cracks. CPS is overwhelmed with these reports and there is not enough staff to thoroughly investigate all reports (very sad situation).
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#5 Jun 5, 2013
LW1: I see bad things ahead for LW and so does her family. They are just trying to warn her. Take this from someone whose ex still refuses to get a job after 5 years, even though he's about to lose his house and pays nothing towards his child's upbringing. It doesn't change. Ever.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#6 Jun 5, 2013
L1: This does not sound like this is a temporary situation but rather how you will spend the rest of your life. You don't have to listen or consider anyone's opinion. You should, though.

L2: It sounds to me that the problem is you want your dad to feel bad that he's not spending time with you and that side of the family. He doesn't. You need to tell him how it makes YOU feel and then go from there. You can't change his actions, he has to do that. You can only control your own.

L3: Enough!

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#7 Jun 5, 2013
LW1: How convenient that you don't mention *why* he can't hold a job. But if you're happy...

Oh, and he shouldn't be waiting for you to ask him to clean and cook. He should be doing that automatically, and probably for the parents you're living with too. Maybe he could start a home cleaning business...

LW2: " Your father got a life, and you feel left out and lonely."

Excuse me? He HAD a life with his own children and grandchildren and it got highjacked by his ladyfriend.

Tell your dad exactly how you feel, don't worry about hurting feelings or whatever. Just lay it all out and see what happens. If he makes no effort to improve the situation, then you know who's more important to him and you should act accordingly.

LW3: Rehashes should be a last resort too, but that hasn't seemed to stop you, Amy.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#8 Jun 5, 2013
LW1 - This is why people shouldn't get married at 17. You are older than that? Then what were you thinking when you married the guy? Surely, you saw the pattern of him not being able to hold down a job. Talk to him. As for your parents who qvetch that he "makes you work," tell them to get comfortable in the 21st century - women work outside the home.

LW2 - Invite Dad and GF to vist you - sans her kids and grandkids. If he can't make time for that, feel free to limit yourself to calls and cards on Father's Day and Christmas.

LW3 - I remember the gist of the original letter, but not the details. How dirty IS the house? If animal waste is collecting in the corners, and you have to wend your way to the bedroom among 6-foot-high stacks of old newspapers and boxes of things that "may come in useful one day," then call the CPS. If the toilet hasn't been cleaned in 2 weeks, and the dishes may pile up in the sink for a day or two, offer to help with child care and chores.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#9 Jun 5, 2013
I want to know why I'm a meanie?

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#10 Jun 5, 2013
I judged you heart, gag-nose and lightbulb,
squishymama wrote:
I want to know why I'm a meanie?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#11 Jun 5, 2013
RACE wrote:
I judged you heart, gag-nose and lightbulb,
<quoted text>
And the meanie face went away!

Thanks RACE.

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