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1 - 14 of 14 Comments Last updated Mar 6, 2013

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Mar 6, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: My boyfriend and I have been together since we were 16. We are now 22 years old and have graduated from college and are working in our professional fields.

We moved in together last June. I am ready to get engaged and married and within three years start to have children. He, on the other hand, is not ready for any of that because he feels he's still really young (and in reality we are).

We recently went to a friend's wedding. He felt very uncomfortable about it (as did I) and we got into a huge fight. He said things that he immediately regretted. How do I speed up the process of getting that ring on my finger and carry on with our life together?-- Anxious

DEAR ANXIOUS: Let's imagine that you successfully pressure your guy and get everything you want with the timetable you've attached to it. You get this by arguing about it and pressuring him. He relents because he loves you and wants you to be happy, because you've worn him down and because he can't think of truly "valid" reasons to delay.

The years fly by. Your husband wakes up one day and realizes he's 30 years old with three children. A vague unhappiness sets in. He can't really put his finger on the cause. He wonders if he ever really wanted the life he leads. He wishes he was single, and he blames you that he's not.

Of course, none of this might happen, but putting the pressure on now increases the odds that you both will have regrets later.

Table the topic for six months. Circle a date on the calendar where you mutually agree to talk about it again. The only power you should be prepared to wield is your choice to stay in the relationship -- or to leave it if it isn't satisfying.

DEAR AMY: My husband and I get together with another couple quite often.

Something troubling has always occurred when in their company, but this problem is escalating. For reasons unknown to us, the wife lashes out with anger and insults directed at her husband. She does this freely in our presence.

This rarely has to do with events of the moment, and is usually an overall character attack. Her husband is a quiet and kind person. When these episodes occur, she speaks and we three remain silent. My husband and I feel sympathetic toward the husband, and I am feeling angry toward her.

I do not want to witness this. I cannot continue seeing them under these circumstances. I feel that I have to explain to her in private how I feel about this or I have to just avoid them. My husband does not agree. He feels that I will destroy the relationship if I talk with her about it. He suggests seeing them less. What's your take?-- Frustrated

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your friend may have a personality disorder, which causes her to lash out. Or she might be a domineering, rude, unfeeling person. The reasons for her behavior might be too complicated for you to divine.

Your husband could be right that saying anything will affect the relationship, but do you want to be held hostage to one person's capricious behavior?(He should also reach out to the husband, but this is his choice to make.)

You should be kind, calm and respectful -- and start by saying how much you enjoy spending time with them. And then you say, "I need to talk to you about the way you lash out at Stanley; this makes me uncomfortable and seems unkind and unfair to him. And I'm worried about you. Can we talk about it?"

DEAR AMY: "Concerned Friend" reported that her best friend was beautiful and yet always deflected compliments because of low self-esteem.

It would be great if we taught people to graciously accept a compliment. Maybe if she learned to do that she would stop reflecting on her negative attributes -- real or imaginary.-- Caroline

DEAR CAROLINE: I agree. Saying "Thank you!" is a great start.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

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#2
Mar 6, 2013
 

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1 Here's a grand idea: stop using birth control and get knocked up! That'll really go over well and lock you both in!

2 What an idiotic piece of advice. If this happens, excuse yourself and get outta there as fast as possible. We had a neighbor couple that liked to argue in public. After excusing ourselves twice, they no longer had an audience and quit doing it.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#3
Mar 6, 2013
 

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1 Why wait for the ring? Get preggers now and all the other stuff will fall in line. Go ahead!

2 Wow amby. Lets change this sentence....
For reasons unknown to us, the wife lashes out with anger and insults directed at her husband. She does this freely in our presence.

To this...
For reasons unknown to us, the husband lashes out with anger and insults directed at his wife. He does this freely in our presence.

And lets see how much your answer would have changed.

The beyotch is controlling, manipulative and borderline psycho! The husband needs to get to a shelter or rely on his good friends to be ready to help him out when he finally does decide to leave such a controlling environment. It's only a matter of time till this turns physical.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

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#4
Mar 6, 2013
 

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RACE wrote:
1 Why wait for the ring? Get preggers now and all the other stuff will fall in line. Go ahead!
2 Wow amby. Lets change this sentence....
For reasons unknown to us, the wife lashes out with anger and insults directed at her husband. She does this freely in our presence.
To this...
For reasons unknown to us, the husband lashes out with anger and insults directed at his wife. He does this freely in our presence.
And lets see how much your answer would have changed.
The beyotch is controlling, manipulative and borderline psycho! The husband needs to get to a shelter or rely on his good friends to be ready to help him out when he finally does decide to leave such a controlling environment. It's only a matter of time till this turns physical.
LW2 - I was thinking this might have already turned physical. She has escalated berating him in public. What is she doing at home?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#5
Mar 6, 2013
 

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LW1: This woman has written a script for her life and she expects her BF to read the lines for the "husband" role. She's the director and does not seem to care about his feelings on the production. Just wants to know how to get him to read his lines.

LW2: Don't care. Nunya. Follow hubby's lead. They ain't your problem to fix.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#6
Mar 6, 2013
 

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Lw1: That's right, honey. If you love someone, set them free. <sarcasm >

Lw2: I like Saluki Rod's strategy, I'm intrigued by RACE's table-flipping, but I'd probably just talk to the husband.

Lw3: You're asking a lot of a teenager; many adults haven't even figured this out.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

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#7
Mar 6, 2013
 
1- Yep, best solution us to get knocked up.

2- Team MYOB. Get up and leave when she starts, limit your contact, and butt out of their affairs.

Since: Jan 10

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#8
Mar 6, 2013
 

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L1: Le sigh. Look, you're only 22 and he's not ready. He either needs more time because he knows he's only 22, or you're not the one for him and he doesn't realize it yet or can't admit it to himself yet. Stop nagging him. Yes, you sound like a nag. DO you want to marry him if it requires brow beating? Probably. Which is the main reason I think you should break up with him.

L2: Speak up. You're being a doormat. I bet you'd say something if it were the *husband* belittling the wife, right?

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#9
Mar 6, 2013
 

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L1: If you were in front of me, I'd slap you. Lightly, but still. If you're happy in your relationship, just let it be. You are WAY too young to be stressed about The Future; just enjoy your life in the stage that it's in. You're going to drive your boyfriend away if you keep harping on getting married.

L2: Personality disorder? Yeah, it's called being a total jerk.

L3: I don't remember the original letter but in my experience, there are two kinds of people who "don't" accept compliments: ones who CAN'T, with true self-esteem issues, and ones who WON'T, because they're always fishing for more.

Since: Oct 09

Wagner, SD

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#10
Mar 6, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
2 Wow amby. Lets change this sentence....
For reasons unknown to us, the wife lashes out with anger and insults directed at her husband. She does this freely in our presence.
To this...
For reasons unknown to us, the husband lashes out with anger and insults directed at his wife. He does this freely in our presence.
And lets see how much your answer would have changed.
The beyotch is controlling, manipulative and borderline psycho! The husband needs to get to a shelter or rely on his good friends to be ready to help him out when he finally does decide to leave such a controlling environment. It's only a matter of time till this turns physical.
This. If she feels free to do this in public, directly in front of friends, and unprovoked, who knows what she does and says when they're alone? And he might be afraid to say or do something because then HE would likely be the one charged with DV. She may even be trying to provoke that very scenario, for whatever sick reason. I can't stand spouses who do that to each other, whether male or female.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#11
Mar 6, 2013
 

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LW1: I agree with Amy on this one. You also need to find out what he really wants and doesnít want. Itís almost like you have everything planned out for him and you wonít take anything he wants into consideration. Itís not all about you. Maybe he is okay with getting married in the not too distant future but wants to hold off on having children until heís in his late 20s or early 30s.

LW2: Next time she does it tell her youíd like to enjoy your evening and not have to listen to their problems and suggest they see a marriage counselor. If that kills your relationship, so be it. Iíd rather not have a relationship with such a person, if they are not willing to be considerate.

LW3: I donít think itís as easy as the LW things. There is something deeper going on with such a person, who sees themselves in such a negative light, regardless of what others say.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

Chicago, IL

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#12
Mar 6, 2013
 
1. Turn up the heat, girl. Have a wedding intervention. Have a friend invite you two over for dinner, and when you get there, instead of steaks and fondue, you have dry chicken and wedding cake, and a bunch of your friends are there to tell him that they really care about him and want him to be happy, and they can't bear to see him single any longer. Have a minister there, ready to marry the two of you on the spot. Make it happen!!!

2. Your husnabd is afraid of destroying the relationship? Gee, what a loss that would be. Your husband and you together should go to the woman and tell her point blank that you can't be around that behavior anymore and it's going to prevent you from having an ongoing friendship. Period. Either it will be a wake-up call or she'll dismiss it and retreat from you.

3.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#13
Mar 6, 2013
 

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L1: Okay -- Miss Type A List Maker. Guess what? Most people are not like you. Don't push him. Marriage is a partnership. You continue on this route and he'll dump you so fast...(or at least should).

L2: If they're close friends, say something -- nicely. If they are people you see once in awhile, MYOB. If after speaking to her/him she did it again with me around, I would interrupt that betch right in the middle of her rant and tell her off then walk out. When you act like that in front of me, you've made it my business. But that's me.:)
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#14
Mar 6, 2013
 

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LW1: Ah, the "All Of My Friends Are Getting Married" stage of life. Marriage should not be a goal, but a lot of people make it one. You should get married if and when you establish a solid relationship with someone whose life goals are in close alignment with yours. You and your boyfriend are in a serious, long-term relationship, but he doesn't want to get married or have children any time soon. If you don't accept that and back off, you will live to regret it sooner or later. Frankly, I think your boyfriend is right. You are both very young. You should enjoy and work on the relationship that you have right now.

LW2: I would definitely not sit there in silence while this woman goes off.(Is she drinking? Water down her booze.) If you are in your home, tell her to calm down and ask her if she'd like some tea. If you're in their home, tell her that it's time you were going and leave.

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