Comments
1 - 18 of 18 Comments Last updated Oct 7, 2012

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#1
Oct 6, 2012
 
DEAR ABBY: I am a 42-year-old woman who has wanted to write to you for years. I'll soon celebrate my 20th wedding anniversary. I am very unhappily married.

I married "Bill" for all the wrong reasons. I never truly loved him the way a woman should love a man. I have remained in the marriage because I am "supposed to." I was brought up to obey the Commandments and do what is right.

Bill is a wonderful husband and father. He has a steady job that pays well; I work part-time. Bill and I get along just fine. He is easy to talk to, and we're very good friends. I don't want to lose that. But there is absolutely no passion in our relationship and never was.

I married Bill because it "was time." He feels more like a brother than a husband. I don't want to hurt my children, but I can't pretend any longer. I am attracted to other men. I'm afraid I'm going to start hating him because I feel so trapped.

I don't know what to do. I just want to stop pretending. We have both spoken to professionals and I have talked to my priest. I told Bill a little about how I feel -- that I don't love him the way a woman should love a man. He just keeps on trying -- buying me flowers, doing all the right things. It doesn't matter. It just makes me angry. Could you please offer me some suggestions? I have read your column since I was a teen, and I value your opinion. Thanks.-- HAD IT IN HARTFORD, CONN.

DEAR HAD IT: Let me get this straight -- you married your husband under false pretenses and have lied to him for 20 years. Both of you have my sympathy.

The best advice I can offer is to think long and hard about what you have now and what you "might" have in the future. Believe me, there are no guarantees and expectations have changed a lot since you were in the dating and mating market. If you really cannot love your husband the way he should to be loved -- and counseling won't help -- then let him go. He deserves better.

DEAR ABBY: My mother died recently after suffering a stroke. Immediately following her death, one of my father's more painful tasks was notifying various agencies: Social Security, retirement benefits and so on. Dad shook his head in amazement as all but one of the people he notified simply fired off a series of questions, thanked him curtly and hung up. Only one civil servant proved to be truly civil, prefacing the conversation with, "I'm sorry for your loss."

Abby, I know people who work in government and private pension departments receive many calls about deaths every day. That doesn't make each death less sad, or each call less difficult for the person picking up the phone and dialing. We can connect on a human level even through layers of officialdom and technology. A few simple, sympathetic words can make a world of difference in the dark days following the loss of a loved one.-- NANCY IN OAKLAND, CALIF.

DEAR NANCY: Perhaps it's a self-protective mechanism when people who work with case numbers, files and statistics lose sight of the fact that behind that information are broken hearts and grieving families. Thank you for the reminder. I'm sure no one meant to be cruel. What you have described is an example of people who have become desensitized.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#2
Oct 6, 2012
 

Judged:

2

2

1

1- So you married him even though you didn't really love him so you could get a house and financial support and raise kids and do everything YOU wanted for the last 20 yrs, now if you leave him, you'll get the house and half his salary and half his pension. Divorce him but tell the judge you deserve NOTHING.

2- So some disembodied voice on a phone isn't weeping over YOUR loss? Boo hoo. Deal.

Since: Mar 09

Boynton Beach, FL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#3
Oct 6, 2012
 

Judged:

2

1

edogxxx wrote:
1- So you married him even though you didn't really love him so you could get a house and financial support and raise kids and do everything YOU wanted for the last 20 yrs, now if you leave him, you'll get the house and half his salary and half his pension. Divorce him but tell the judge you deserve NOTHING.
I kind of agree. She wasted this guy's life, and he's still trying to do nice things to get her to love him. Maybe he's wimpy or clueless, but he's not the one that went into this knowing he didn't want to.

Since: Mar 09

Boynton Beach, FL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#4
Oct 6, 2012
 
L2: I think it takes a special type of personality to work with death, in any form. If you work on the assembly line at the Ferrari factory, after awhile they're just cars, and all that. These people are just doing their jobs. I'm sure some are caring and compassionate and others are mentally counting down until their next ciggy break, just like in every other profession.

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5
Oct 6, 2012
 

Judged:

1

1

j_m_w wrote:
L2: I think it takes a special type of personality to work with death, in any form. If you work on the assembly line at the Ferrari factory, after awhile they're just cars, and all that. These people are just doing their jobs. I'm sure some are caring and compassionate and others are mentally counting down until their next ciggy break, just like in every other profession.
In my job I frequently get those notifications. Also I sometimes call a family when a patient no-shows, only to be told that they have died. And I ALWAYS express sympathy, plus offer to take care of notifying the Business Office (so the family doesn't get anymore distressing calls!) This is part of working in cancer treatment, and as far as I know everyone in my dept. and the Hem/Onc dept. do the same.

I found out very early in this field: you get attached to people, and many of them die. But we carry on.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#6
Oct 6, 2012
 
edogxxx wrote:
1- So you married him even though you didn't really love him so you could get a house and financial support and raise kids and do everything YOU wanted for the last 20 yrs, now if you leave him, you'll get the house and half his salary and half his pension. Divorce him but tell the judge you deserve NOTHING.
Well, it "was time." At the ripe old age of 22 she probably had some d-bags around her saying she would be an old maid or she was too picky...you know, because the world associates a marriage as being healthy or verifiable.
See, if I were divorced by now, I sadly think more people would accept it than being 35 and not married yet....because I refuse to end up like this woman and have not found someone with whom I could see myself with forever. Marriage is a lifelong goal, in my book.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#7
Oct 6, 2012
 
2: Sorry, pal...they hear this all the time. Get over it.
After my bro passed (one year ago this Tuesday!!), I actually didn't make too many calls. The funeral home notified Social Security, and they notified Medicare...I got a "sorry for your loss" letter from both places. I really didn't have to do much in that regard, but I sure didn't expect strangers at a gov't entity to weep condolences for me...

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#8
Oct 6, 2012
 

Judged:

1

1

j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
I kind of agree. She wasted this guy's life, and he's still trying to do nice things to get her to love him. Maybe he's wimpy or clueless, but he's not the one that went into this knowing he didn't want to.
She is an observant Catholic ( she talked to her priest about this) She had family and social pressure- she married a nice guy because it was time. She is probably a dutiful daughter. Family and church pressures are strong and not every 22 year old has the strength to push back.

A trial separation might work so she can find out what the real word is like. Grass is not always greener etc and prince charming from Cosmo is not readily available for romance.

There are things that are a hell of a lot worse than being locked in with a nice guy who is a best friend

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#9
Oct 6, 2012
 

Judged:

1

cheluzal wrote:
See, if I were divorced by now, I sadly think more people would accept it than being 35 and not married yet....
I agree. Ironically, there's more of a stigma to being over 30 and never been married than if you're on your third divorce. So what do you say, if we're both single in another few years, wanna get married? We ain't getting any younger!
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#10
Oct 6, 2012
 
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>She is an observant Catholic ( she talked to her priest about this) She had family and social pressure- she married a nice guy because it was time. She is probably a dutiful daughter. Family and church pressures are strong and not every 22 year old has the strength to push back.
A trial separation might work so she can find out what the real word is like. Grass is not always greener etc and prince charming from Cosmo is not readily available for romance.
There are things that are a hell of a lot worse than being locked in with a nice guy who is a best friend.
You nailed it. He sounds like a real gem and she may never find a man as willing to work with her as the one she married.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#11
Oct 6, 2012
 
cheluzal wrote:
<quoted text>
Well, it "was time." At the ripe old age of 22 she probably had some d-bags around her saying she would be an old maid or she was too picky...you know, because the world associates a marriage as being healthy or verifiable.
See, if I were divorced by now, I sadly think more people would accept it than being 35 and not married yet....because I refuse to end up like this woman and have not found someone with whom I could see myself with forever. Marriage is a lifelong goal, in my book.
I don't think marriage should be a goal, it should be something you do if and when you meet that most awesome person that you want to be with for the rest of your life. You shouldn't feel obligated to do it because almost everyone else is coupled up.

Since: Mar 09

Boynton Beach, FL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#12
Oct 6, 2012
 
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
There are things that are a hell of a lot worse than being locked in with a nice guy who is a best friend
Got that right.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#13
Oct 6, 2012
 
L1: I agree with PEllen. It happens. A separation would be a good thing for her (and for him). Not so much for the kids but hopefully the kids are old enough and they are stable enough to get through this. I'm not a believer of staying married for the kids, though.

L2: PSA. You know, people either have empathy or they don't. Try not to take it personally -- although I'm sure it's rather difficult not to when you're in the middle of it all. I bet some people who call the gov't agencies like the business approach to keep their emotions separated from the task. If I had that type of job I am sure I would express sympathy, though.
RACE

Fort Lauderdale, FL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#14
Oct 6, 2012
 
1 Ha! Go ahead, the grass is always greener and all that....
You will eventually realize you gave up everything in the hopes of finding what was in your home all along.

Cant cure stupid.

Since: Nov 09

Wisconsin

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#15
Oct 6, 2012
 

Judged:

2

2

2

LW1: It sounds like the LW had a very strict religious upbringing. If that's true, I think that gives her some slack here. Come on, you guys. When you are raised from infancy to believe that your sole duty in life is to get married by a certain age and serve your husband to make him happy, of course that's going to f*** you up and lead to you to make decisions like hers. I feel bad for her husband, yes, but I also feel bad for her. She's spent years of her life in a loveless marriage (you can't make yourself love someone just because they're nice to you--I've tried) and feeling guilty that she doesn't worship the ground on which her husband walks.This is what extreme upbringings do to people.

Since: Nov 09

Wisconsin

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#16
Oct 6, 2012
 

Judged:

2

2

1

PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>She is an observant Catholic ( she talked to her priest about this) She had family and social pressure- she married a nice guy because it was time. She is probably a dutiful daughter. Family and church pressures are strong and not every 22 year old has the strength to push back.
A trial separation might work so she can find out what the real word is like. Grass is not always greener etc and prince charming from Cosmo is not readily available for romance.
There are things that are a hell of a lot worse than being locked in with a nice guy who is a best friend
Thank you! This is what I was trying to say. Not only do some people not have the strength to push back, some people don't even realize that they SHOULD be pushing back. It's not like we're all born with some magical common sense meter that will protect us from strict religious upbringings, you know? If you're raised to believe that you need to be a dutiful woman and do XYZ, a lot of women believe it's true. Any desire to live for oneself ends up in guilt and self-loathing because the person thinks that they're selfish and sinful. It really frustrates me that more people don't understand how that works. Same with internalized racism, sexism, etc. If you're taught from Day One that you're bad if you do X and good if you do Y, chances are that's what you're going to believe is true.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#17
Oct 6, 2012
 

Judged:

2

2

2

Pixx wrote:
<quoted text>
Thank you! This is what I was trying to say. Not only do some people not have the strength to push back, some people don't even realize that they SHOULD be pushing back. It's not like we're all born with some magical common sense meter that will protect us from strict religious upbringings, you know? If you're raised to believe that you need to be a dutiful woman and do XYZ, a lot of women believe it's true. Any desire to live for oneself ends up in guilt and self-loathing because the person thinks that they're selfish and sinful. It really frustrates me that more people don't understand how that works. Same with internalized racism, sexism, etc. If you're taught from Day One that you're bad if you do X and good if you do Y, chances are that's what you're going to believe is true.
You need to get your @zz back in the kitchen and fix my hungry.

How bout a you, me, and chunzel marriage? Progressive enough?
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#18
Oct 7, 2012
 
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
You shouldn't feel obligated to do it because almost everyone else is coupled up.
Oh, I certainly don't. Tell that to society...

Tell me when this thread is updated: (Registration is not required)

Add to my Tracker Send me an email

Type in your comments below
Name
(appears on your post)
Comments
Characters left: 4000
Type the numbers you see in the image on the right:

Please note by clicking on "Post Comment" you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

79 Users are viewing the Chicago Forum right now

Search the Chicago Forum:
Title Updated Last By Comments
Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 4 min Nostrilis Waxman 1,080,286
BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 21 min LRS 174,650
Israeli troops begin Gaza pullout as Hamas decl... (Jan '09) 22 min fearless 67,963
Ill. House Approves Legalizing Same-Sex Civil U... (Dec '10) 26 min Terry rigsby 48,917
Steve Wilkos : talk show host ? or simple mi... (Feb '08) 55 min Steve is the best 356
One kilometre high and counting (Jul '07) 1 hr TW_sugar_daddio 11
Messianic Jews say they are persecuted in Israel (Jun '08) 2 hr Frijoles 68,377
Topix Chitown Regulars (Aug '09) 7 hr Sublime1 97,539
Abby 7-24 22 hr Pippa 42
•••
•••
•••

Chicago Jobs

•••
Enter and win $5000
•••
•••

Chicago People Search

Addresses and phone numbers for FREE

•••

Chicago News, Events & Info

Click for news, events and info in Chicago
•••

Personal Finance

Mortgages [ See current mortgage rates ]
•••