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1 - 18 of 18 Comments Last updated Aug 7, 2013

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

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#1
Aug 3, 2013
 
DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old girl who lives with my mother and my mother's boyfriend. This man has changed my world, and not for the better. The one person I ever cared about has practically turned against me.

My mom tried killing herself for this man and chose him over me after she was released from the institution. I have been diagnosed with depression and have also tried to kill myself. I also have a habit of cutting myself. I stopped, but lately I have been wanting to start again. The only thing that has held me back is her threats of committing me to an institution.

She threatened my boyfriend with the police if he ever spoke to me again after we broke up. When I confronted her, she insisted that she was right and someday I'd understand. She has turned into this person I hardly know, and it's because of her boyfriend's influence. Before, when she was upset she would just not talk to me, but now she calls me the most horrid things and won't apologize unless someone besides me tells her.

I feel so alone. I honestly do want to kill myself, but I haven't because I know it isn't the right thing to do, even if it may seem right. I have tried talking to her. She won't listen to me. What should I do?-- HOPELESS AND ALONE IN FLORIDA

DEAR HOPELESS AND ALONE: Because you honestly do want to harm yourself, contact the doctor who diagnosed you with depression. However, if this is about your mother breaking up your romance by threatening to involve the police, you need to understand that the tactic wouldn't have worked unless he had something to fear.

The level of conflict in your home is not healthy. If you are still in school, discuss this with a trusted teacher or school counselor. In one more year you will be 18 and able to make decisions for yourself, but they shouldn't be based on your mother or her boyfriend. They need to be about what is truly best for you.

DEAR ABBY: I hate funerals. My grandfather died when I was 6, and one of my relatives held me over the casket and made me kiss his cold, dead face. It terrified me, and it's all I can remember of my grandfather. I force myself to recall any of the good times we had together, but that event still taints the good memory.

Since then, every funeral I have been to has had the same poisoning effect, no matter what the service was. Funerals are for the living, and I understand that many people feel the need for closure and the sharing of grief to begin healing. But I need to keep my grief and my faith private in order to heal.

I'm sure some people think my not showing up at a service is a sign of disrespect or just not caring. Nothing could be further from the truth. I prefer to remember the good times with the loved one, not the passing. My way of honoring that person is to keep my happy memories untainted.

Am I wrong? Selfish or lazy? Weird or crazy? Please let me know because at my age I'm sure more of these events will happen.-- KEEPING MY DISTANCE IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR KEEPING YOUR DISTANCE: You are none of the above. People grieve in different ways. An appropriate way to express your respect for the deceased and your support for the survivors would be to write a condolence letter expressing those feelings and sharing a happy memory with the grieving widow, widower or child. No rule of etiquette demands that you show up to a funeral -- unless it happens to be your own.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

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#2
Aug 3, 2013
 
1- You sound like a bratty 17 yr old to me. You don't explain what exactly your mother's boyfriend has done. You sound like the type who'd be unhappy and cutting yourself in ANY situation. Just move out now while you still know everything.

2- I'm squicked out by funerals too. And hospitals. But it's extremely liberating once you learn to deal with life's unpleasantaries. Basically, get over it.
skittles with cough syrup

Pittston, PA

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#3
Aug 3, 2013
 
when the girl turns legal age 18, she can become a crack hoe.

problem solved.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#4
Aug 3, 2013
 
L1: Finish your schooling and move out asap. Get a counsellor, realize you can't fix your mother but you can help yourself.

L2: Lots of people hate funerals. Remember, funerals are not for the dead, they are for the living. The person who is dead, well whether or not you attend doesn't help nor hurt. If funerals are your phobia and you don't want to work it out, well then don't go. Send a nice card and flowers and be done with it. I hate funerals, too. I've stopped going up to the casket b/c, really, it's a dead person. Let me look at the pictures and celebrate their life. I don't need to see them laying there.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

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#5
Aug 3, 2013
 
If only LW1 had had the gumption to say, "That's a good
idea. I have a lot to tell the police," she might look
a little more believable. I like Toj's answer best.

I like Toj's answer to LW2, as well.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#6
Aug 3, 2013
 

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1: As an educator, it hurts to see how often they say speak to a counselor. Ours are useless and are more involved in standardized testing. Unless there is serious abuse, it is pointless.
I also hate no mention of a father. If mom is as smart as she sounds, I'll bet bio dad is a POS. His home should be an option.

2: Someone made a kid kiss a dead man? Ack!
I love my brother more than anyone on the planet and I couldn't even kiss him in his coffin. I held his cold hand and rubbed his head, but was unable to do more.
Grief is personal and no one has the right to criticize someone's process.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

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#7
Aug 3, 2013
 
LW1: You drew the short straw in the parent lottery, but you have the power to change your life for the better. Look to the future. Get a part-time job and go to college. Or get a full-time job and take night classes. Save your money and move out ASAP. You can rent a room.

LW2: I also find the traditional funeral service macabre; it seems designed more for the benefit of the funeral home. More and more people are opting for memorial services and celebrations of life. I went to one recently where they had lots of nice pictures and even a slideshow of the deceased's life events. It was beautiful. LW, if you choose to go to a traditional service, sit more toward the middle or the back and don't do the viewing. Just slip out the front door and catch up with the family before or after the service.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#8
Aug 3, 2013
 

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cheluzal wrote:
1: As an educator, it hurts to see how often they say speak to a counselor. Ours are useless and are more involved in standardized testing. Unless there is serious abuse, it is pointless.
I also hate no mention of a father. If mom is as smart as she sounds, I'll bet bio dad is a POS. His home should be an option.
2:...
Grief is personal and no one has the right to criticize someone's process.
L1.In Illinois teachers and counselors are mandated reporters of abuse. Somewhere in that constellation of people or flexibility of definitions there has to be a good soul who would steer this girl to some help. Sorry it isn't in your part of the world.

L2. I agree.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

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#9
Aug 3, 2013
 
Kuuipo wrote:
LW2: I also find the traditional funeral service macabre; it seems designed more for the benefit of the funeral home. More and more people are opting for memorial services and celebrations of life. I went to one recently where they had lots of nice pictures and even a slideshow of the deceased's life events. It was beautiful. LW, if you choose to go to a traditional service, sit more toward the middle or the back and don't do the viewing. Just slip out the front door and catch up with the family before or after the service.
I do *so* much better at the no-casket funerals. My mom's wake was almost fun, just shooting the sh1t with people I hadn't seen in a while. If I'd had to stand there next to her all day, I'd have been a mess.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#10
Aug 4, 2013
 
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
L1.In Illinois teachers and counselors are mandated reporters of abuse. Somewhere in that constellation of people or flexibility of definitions there has to be a good soul who would steer this girl to some help. Sorry it isn't in your part of the world.
L2. I agree.
Oh, we're required to report ABUSE, but so many times what these kids write it would never be seen as abuse (or we'd run out of space in foster care). Plus, so many foster homes are more evil than good it seems. A lot of the crap parents do is not illegal and kids need to learn to deal until they can exit the home permanently.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#11
Aug 4, 2013
 
Matilda77 wrote:
<quoted text>
I do *so* much better at the no-casket funerals. My mom's wake was almost fun, just shooting the sh1t with people I hadn't seen in a while. If I'd had to stand there next to her all day, I'd have been a mess.
While I agree with you, I have to say the ones that had an open casket were easier in the long run to move on from. I had a few very, extremely close friends who died in their 20s and the ones that had an open casket made you face it earlier. So while I dislike open caskets and all that, I do realize the benefit of it.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#12
Aug 4, 2013
 

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Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
While I agree with you, I have to say the ones that had an open casket were easier in the long run to move on from. I had a few very, extremely close friends who died in their 20s and the ones that had an open casket made you face it earlier. So while I dislike open caskets and all that, I do realize the benefit of it.
We had a viewing for brother with an open casket but it was off to the side and you could avoid it if you wanted.
The funeral is stayed closed until the end and people who wanted to filed past.
I'm glad I got to see/touch him one last time.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#13
Aug 5, 2013
 
cheluzal wrote:
<quoted text>
We had a viewing for brother with an open casket but it was off to the side and you could avoid it if you wanted.
The funeral is stayed closed until the end and people who wanted to filed past.
I'm glad I got to see/touch him one last time.
I can understand that. That had to be the most difficult wake/funeral you ever had to endure in your life.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#14
Aug 5, 2013
 
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
I can understand that. That had to be the most difficult wake/funeral you ever had to endure in your life.
You have no idea. No other death will ever affect me (maybe my kids...maybe-if I have any).
I had 2 people die last year and it didn't affect me. It's like after little bro, whom I love more than anyone, no one else really compares, ya know?

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#15
Aug 5, 2013
 
cheluzal wrote:
<quoted text>
You have no idea. No other death will ever affect me (maybe my kids...maybe-if I have any).
I had 2 people die last year and it didn't affect me. It's like after little bro, whom I love more than anyone, no one else really compares, ya know?
I have an inkling but no one really knows how hard it was for you. Only you could know that. I can imagine it was extremely difficult, though.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#16
Aug 6, 2013
 
Thanks.
Time and God have healed the worst but there will always be a small bro-shaped hole.

I was never a crier! Now, I'm a freaking sap, lol. My brother, while manly, was a pretty sensitive dude and I think he gave me some, as I was the hard-edged one with walls up. I don't want to lose that part of me now.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#17
Aug 6, 2013
 
cheluzal wrote:
Thanks.
Time and God have healed the worst but there will always be a small bro-shaped hole.
I was never a crier! Now, I'm a freaking sap, lol. My brother, while manly, was a pretty sensitive dude and I think he gave me some, as I was the hard-edged one with walls up. I don't want to lose that part of me now.
How are your nieces doing? Who do they live with? Do you and your parents still see them as much?
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#18
Aug 7, 2013
 
They live with mom (they have different moms, remember).
The oldest we see less. She had a step-dad since she was young (nice guy--one of bro's pallbearers) so she's more stable. She's also 15 and too cool for adults, lol.

The younger one comes more often and was very close with bro. Her mom is my SIL and she isn't getting remarried yet. She's dated but will not let a guy move in now, which is great!

They were both at my parents' a couple weeks ago.

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