“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Apr 3, 2014
DEAR AMY: My wife and I have been married for 39 years. We have two grown children.

The problem is this. My wife's friends make it uncomfortable for me when I am invited to an event with my wife. I am fed up with these friends and refuse to be around them any longer. My wife wants me to suck it up. This always ends in an argument.

My wife and I were invited to the cabin these women share for a weekend. Upon arrival, the friend had the nerve to tell me I couldn't play golf with my wife despite them having only a threesome (I would have been the fourth).

My wife and I were invited to the cabin a second time. We were told that when we arrived after a four-hour trip that my wife was invited to lunch with her friends. I was not invited.

This one female friend purposely attacked me verbally to engage in a screaming match. I won the first bout with a direct scream in her face. It felt great.

Please give me your insight about dealing with these surly wenches.-- Furious

DEAR FURIOUS: What is missing from this narrative is your wife's perspective. I imagine it might be quite different from yours.

But given what you report, the only way for you to deal with these surly wenches is not to deal with them at all. This situation is volatile and not safe for any of you.

I'm not sure why you would insist on going with your wife to visit the home of people you seem to despise. You obviously have no intention -- or the ability -- to "suck it up."

If screaming in someone's face feels good to you, then that is further evidence that you should not be anywhere near that person. Seriously, if you don't simmer down, the police are going to get involved.

If your wife enjoys these friendships, she should do so on her own.

DEAR AMY: I am a single female in my 50s. I'm interested in dating and settling down.

The problem is that the men who have shown interest in me recently have inundated me right out of the starting gate with needy text messaging, out-of-control IMing, plus FaceTime calls (as well as regular calls).

The latest guy started texting me all day during work hours and was asking me what time I get off work, presumably so that he could know when I'd be available to receive his phone calls and texts at home.

It strikes me as unprofessional that this man would be texting me all day during his work hours.

I find this disruptive when I'm at work. I don't enjoy it at home, either.

Is this just something that I have to endure, or is there some way for me to politely set boundaries and get these guys to cool it without them being offended?

The last time I tried saying something politely to one of these guys, he completely stopped contacting me. I didn't want that. What do I do?-- Textually Frustrated

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Excessive contact can feel intrusive (and worse) when you don't want it. Don't pass judgment on someone else's commitment to his work if he chooses to send text messages to you during the workday. All you need to do is pay attention to your own comfort level.

You should tackle this the minute you feel it starting. Reply to a text, saying: "I'm not into frequent texting, but if you want to set up a time to get together (in person), let me know."

Don't answer calls (FaceTime or "regular") if you don't want to talk. The guy who reads you the best in this context is the guy you will want to see.

DEAR AMY: I was insulted by the letter from "Concerned Daughter," about her widowed father's sexual adventures.

As a 68-year-old widower myself, I think you need to give the poor guy a break and try walking a mile in his shoes. It appears to me that the daughter won't be happy unless her dad is sitting in a rocking chair, parked in an old folks' home.-- Not Dead Yet

DEAR NOT DEAD: I've heard from many older people who did not agree with this daughter's judgment on her father's sexual life.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Apr 3, 2014
1 There is more here than you are telling. My guess is that you are inviting yourself, since there is no mention of other males, and if their were, I doubt that you would have been screaming at his wife. So while the women have to tolerate that you are the baggage you wife brings along, they refuse to entertain you, but specifically excluding you from the girl stuff.

My suggestion is to go to the nudie bar or stay home.

2 Maybe you should meet men who dont want you to carry their nuts for them?

3 Get your groove on Gramps!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Apr 3, 2014
Lw1: Yesterday's Hax letter after 39 years.

LW2: whatever, Goldilocks. The porridge is too hot. And if he does not contact you enough, the porridge is too cold.

Lw3: Notice that Amy does nit mention HER judgement on the father's sexual life.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#4 Apr 3, 2014
RACE wrote:
1 There is more here than you are telling. My guess is that you are inviting yourself, since there is no mention of other males, and if their were, I doubt that you would have been screaming at his wife. So while the women have to tolerate that you are the baggage you wife brings along, they refuse to entertain you, but specifically excluding you from the girl stuff.
My suggestion is to go to the nudie bar or stay home.
2 Maybe you should meet men who dont want you to carry their nuts for them?
3 Get your groove on Gramps!
i disagree. If he were inviting himself, it would not be an issue for him to stop going, which is what he says he wants to do. His wife is tellimh him to suck it up. So it seems that if anyone is inviting him other than the cabin ownets chick, its probably his wife.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#5 Apr 3, 2014
Possibly, at least that is how he is painting it.
But it just does not add up for me. He being the only male, They both get invited, but he is excluded?
I still get the impression, he is inviting himself. How effin hard is it to tell your wife, you dont want to go? and then do it?
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text> i disagree. If he were inviting himself, it would not be an issue for him to stop going, which is what he says he wants to do. His wife is tellimh him to suck it up. So it seems that if anyone is inviting him other than the cabin ownets chick, its probably his wife.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#6 Apr 3, 2014
1- Think that maybe you're just a jerk and her friends don't wanna be around you?

2- Welcome to the dating world; when you meet someone, they usually like to keep in touch

3- Want some salt with that crow?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#7 Apr 3, 2014
1. Not only is LW's wife's perspective missing, as Race noted, there is no mention of other men. Are these women all single, widowed, divorced? Possibly.
Does your wife need you only for transportation to distant cabins? Possibly.
I can't reconcile why he is being invited or why he calls a weekend at a cabin "an event" with his attitude and conduct, or why his wife puts up with his treating her friends that way. Some part of the story is missing.

I am going to guess that having been married 39 years he may be retired , bored, and unwilling to let his wife do stuff unless he tags along.

2. You are in your 50's and you haven't mastered the skill of limiting contact but maintaining a friendship or dating relationship? Hmmm. Might explain why you are single and still looking o settle down. It makes no difference if you have ever been married or in a long term relationship- your social skills are lacking, which also explains why you attract needy guys like the ones you describe.

I would suggest you adopt some cats, except I like cats .

3. I don't remember the original letter, but all you need to do is get out into the office work world to realize that 68 year old guys consider themselves either players or almost dead, sometimes both.

Elder sex skeeve you out? Just wait, your turn will come.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#8 Apr 3, 2014
LW1- like with Hax's letter, I think that the wife's lack of support for her husband is the biggest problem here. He doesn't enjoy going on these trips, yet she insists that he join her and suck it up. She allows her friends to treat him like garbage and exclude him from activities without any consequences. He doesn't sound like a gem, but being around these people seems to bring out the worst in him.

One of my best friends and my husband are like oil and water. They enjoy trying to upset the other one, to the point where I have come out and said that I would prefer to keep them apart. When we got married, she was one of my bridesmaids, but only because they agreed to a truce on that day for my sake. If my friend and husband couldn't show me that little bit of respect, then they would not be in my life for very long. That the LW's wife doesn't insist on the same thing or do whatever she can to not put her husband in an uncomfortable position makes me dislike her greatly.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#9 Apr 3, 2014
Love Pelly's response to LW2!

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#10 Apr 3, 2014
L1: I can't tell if the female friends are witches or if this is his wife's way of paying hm back for some misdeed. Tonka is right -- Hax letter 39 years later.

L2: Quit picking needy men. Ask yourself why you have been drawn to the type of men you've been dating.

L3: The little blue pill has helped the older set.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#11 Apr 3, 2014
LW1: Since you canít seem to function without being attached at your wifeís hip 24/7, Iím not sure how you could possibly function not going away with her for the weekend. Grow up.
It sounds like they just want some girl time. You sound like you would get upset if they went shopping for bras/panties and didnít take you along with. You sure are whiney.

Take a nap if they go golfing or eat lunch together. Find a creek to go fishing in. Go chill out and have a couple of beers/lunch at a sports bar for a few hours. Read a book. Go on a hike. Enjoy solitude for a few hours. Watch a movie. Entertain yourself. Iím pretty sure youíd get a much different response from these ladies if you just went with the flow and were self-sufficient, instead of acting like your wife canít do anything without you doing it too. If you did that, they <gasp> might even like you and find you charming, instead of a pain in the rear.

LW2: Everyone is different. I think itís natural to want to talk more at the outset of a relationshipÖ so that you can learn about each other. I also think itís natural to want to talk more if you are really interested in the person. I would find that sort of constant contact more smothering in a LTR, than at the outset of a new one.

Even with a new relationship, it depends on how far itís taken, however. I still think guys need to pick up on cues too. If the woman isnít really talkative or responsive to texts, then take that as a hint and back off a bit. If a woman likes you, sheíll let you know, IME Ö donít force the issue by constantly contacting her Ö be chill and patient ... go at her pace.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#12 Apr 3, 2014
PEllen wrote:
I would suggest you adopt some cats, except I like cats .
Awesome!

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

#13 Apr 3, 2014
1. You're wife is not in to you anymore. She prefers her friends. And/or grow a backbone and insist on joining them. That will show them!

2. Are you looking for love on the codependents' website?

3. Who cares. Dad can tell his daughter to mind her own business. If he can't do that, he's not ready to date.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#14 Apr 3, 2014
Glance into the future for LW2:

After a year, she will be:
(a) still single, wondering what to do about these guys who call her
(b) still single, because the guys stop calling and messaging her
(c) still single, but wiser, spending her time visiting lonely seniors in a
nursing home who just are happy to have someone play cards or
dominoes with them and/or listen to their old stories.
(d) dating a man she met volunteering for Habitat for Humanity who
is secure in himself who lets her breathe and be herself
or
(e) other
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#15 Apr 3, 2014
LW1: I'm having a hard time reconciling the "when I am invited to an event with my wife" part and the "I won the first bout with a direct scream in her face. It felt great." part. Exactly who is doing the inviting, your wife, or her friends? Because I don't understand why her friends would invite you and then initiate screaming matches with you. Nor do I understand why you would go if you dislike these women so much or engage in a screaming match with anyone, let alone people that your wife socializes with. Whatever the case, I agree that you and your wife's friends should not socialize together. And I feel sorry for your wife.

LW2: There are a lot of frogs out there. I like Amy's advice.

LW3: Team Annabella

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#16 Apr 3, 2014
Kuuipo wrote:
LW1: I'm having a hard time reconciling the "when I am invited to an event with my wife" part and the "I won the first bout with a direct scream in her face. It felt great." part. Exactly who is doing the inviting, your wife, or her friends? Because I don't understand why her friends would invite you and then initiate screaming matches with you. Nor do I understand why you would go if you dislike these women so much or engage in a screaming match with anyone, let alone people that your wife socializes with. Whatever the case, I agree that you and your wife's friends should not socialize together. And I feel sorry for your wife.
The story is so confusing because we're only hearing one side. So by default, I'm inclined to believe the man is just an @zz
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#17 Apr 3, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
The story is so confusing because we're only hearing one side. So by default, I'm inclined to believe the man is just an @zz
Screaming in someone's face, enjoying it, and admitting to enjoying it in his letter would lead me to the same conclusion. The wife's friend could have provoked him, but he had the choice to walk away instead of escalating the argument. If he had done so, the wife's friend would have looked like the raving lunatic.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#18 Apr 3, 2014
LW1: You sound like a 100% immature ahole.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#19 Apr 3, 2014
Maybe.... But She started it!
Julie wrote:
LW1: You sound like a 100% immature ahole.

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