Topix Chitown Regulars

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#95243 Jan 8, 2014
The Dog’s Diary:

8:00 AM - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 AM - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 AM - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 AM - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM - Milkbones! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat’s Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an Attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Fools!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and Snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the Guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an Elevated Cell, so he is safe.

For now.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#95244 Jan 8, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
You set your thermostat to 79? I keep mine at 69. I've turned into my parents. If anyone complains that it's too cold in the house -- I say put on a sweater/sweatshirt or they can pay the NICOR bill.
Its the heating system. The radiators are barely warm. Once the cold snap is over and the emergency calls have let up, I will get the heating guy out here.

I have a flat rate gas bill that isn't bad for the square footage of the house. This will pass; it is already warmer here.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#95245 Jan 8, 2014
Tigger in a fur coat. Boing Boing Boing
http://fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2014/008/6/...

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#95246 Jan 8, 2014
PE, you know I hate puns. But I like and respect you. So after the latest pun sharing here, I decided that I would sit down at my computer and do my best to do this justice, as it was told to me 25 years ago by an excellent storyteller, Doug, LOTR need, made amazing homemade cheesecake with a homemade strawberry glaze. Anyway, I wanted to do you proud, but I also wanted to not mess it up, so I was able to find it and am so glad I did.

Enjoy.

There was a king whose lands were being invaded by a rival kingdom and the king desperately needed to send a request for re-enforcements from a close ally. The only problem was that he couldn't spare many men and there was tribe of fierce savages that lived in the valley between the king and his ally that would attack anyone trying to cross their territory. Very little was known about this tribe because few men had encountered them and lived to tell about it. The tribe was known only as the Yellow Finger.

Having little other choice, the king calls upon his greatest knight to ride through the Valley of the Yellow Finger to request re-enforcements from their ally and save the kingdom from utter destruction.

That afternoon, the knight walks over the plains, into the forest, and down into the Valley of the Yellow Finger. The knight is immediately ambushed by the Yellow Finger and although he fights bravely, he is eventually overwhelmed.

The following day, the king, not having received word from his knight, knows that the knight has probably failed in his mission. So, the king decides to send the knight's squire.

That afternoon, the squire walks over the plains, into the forest, and down into the Valley of the Yellow Finger. The squire is immediately ambushed by the Yellow Finger and although he fights bravely, he is eventually overwhelmed.

The following day, the king, not having received word from the squire or the knight, is not really sure what to do and cannot spare any men from his army. So, the king decides to send a lowly page boy from his court. The king tells the page to go that night, and cross the valley while the Yellow Finger are sleeping.

That night, the page walks over the plains, into the forest, and down into the Valley of the Yellow Finger. As soon as the page steps into the valley, he is immediately ambushed by the Yellow Finger. The page fights bravely, and kills every single one of the Yellow Finger that try to attack him. He delivers the request for re-enforcements and saves his kingdom from destruction.

The moral of this story being:

"Let your pages do the walking through the Yellow Finger."

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#95247 Jan 8, 2014
For someone who doesn't like puns ( which I didn't remember- the next spurt will be plain jokes) this is a respectable effort , and, what''s more I hadn't heard it before.

The saddest part is that there is an increasingly large number of people here who have no idea why the punch line is funny.

Well then, what is your taste in jokes? One liners? Shaggy dogs?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#95248 Jan 8, 2014

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#95249 Jan 8, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
Off-line pornograpy? What's that?

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#95250 Jan 8, 2014
PEllen wrote:
Well then, what is your taste in jokes? One liners? Shaggy dogs?
Dead baby jokes? Don't google that if you have any shred of a soul. I find them hilarious.
Redheads glasses

Saint Paul, MN

#95251 Jan 9, 2014
Matilda77 wrote:
<quoted text>
Dead baby jokes? Don't google that if you have any shred of a soul. I find them hilarious.
Same here! Nick is NOT amused by them.

Mynalltime favorite: what's red and screams? A peeled baby being rolled through salt.

My poor mom, my little bro loved telling these at a very young age, like 1-3 grade. He and his friends at school would trade them. Horrified moms everywhere. I remember he'd get soap scraped on his teeth as punishment,

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#95252 Jan 9, 2014
Does anyone here use a nebulizer? I got one yesterday, didn't get fully trained on how to use it, it was demonstrated but because I didn't actually need it at the moment, he wasn't alowed to open the packet of meds, etc.

I sorta figured it out twice since then and that thing kis a life saver.

Nebulizer with albuterol, daily injections of blood thinner, morphine in various forms through out the day, Ativan for anxiety and opening breathing, two heart pills a day, two steroids a day, plus a bunch I won't even take. I've gone from one scrip (birth control) a month to so many I am ignoring a few unnecessary ones. Oh yeah, and Myralax is a life saver when you are on the narcotics.

Fun times, eh?

Mom and aunts are converging on me at noon tomorrow to finish getting this place ready to be Den o' Death.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#95253 Jan 9, 2014
Matilda77 wrote:
<quoted text>
Off-line pornograpy? What's that?
Join them on Facebook! Follow them on twitter! Admit to your fries and family that you have a problem! Hope your MIL doesn't tell your wife's dad before younshowmup for dinner!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#95254 Jan 9, 2014

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#95255 Jan 9, 2014
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Nebulizer with albuterol, daily injections of blood thinner, morphine in various forms through out the day, Ativan for anxiety and opening breathing, two heart pills a day, two steroids a day, plus a bunch I won't even take. I've gone from one scrip (birth control) a month to so many I am ignoring a few unnecessary ones. Oh yeah, and Myralax is a life saver when you are on the narcotics.
You're a stronger man than I. I would probably just throw up my hands and say screw all that.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#95256 Jan 9, 2014
Ugh rehash all around for BOTH columns?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#95257 Jan 9, 2014
Matilda77 wrote:
<quoted text>
Off-line pornograpy? What's that?
Hustler magazine. An old vhs of Debbie Does Dallas.

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#95258 Jan 9, 2014
....Penthouse Forum.....alot like here....lol....

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#95259 Jan 9, 2014
There once was a giant who lived on a mountain. The trids who lived in the valley below were tormented by him. Every time the trids tried to cross the mountain the giant would catch them and with his huge foot boot them off the mountain back into the valley. In desperation the king of the trids tried to broker a peace deal with the giant. He sent his delegation lead by a rabbi up the mountain to meet with the giant.

When the giant saw the delegation, he immediately picked up ever trid and kicked them all back into the valley, only the rabbi was unharmed.

The rabbi looked at the giant and asked why he was not kicked into the valley and the giant replied.....Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#95260 Jan 9, 2014
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Does anyone here use a nebulizer? I got one yesterday, didn't get fully trained on how to use it, it was demonstrated but because I didn't actually need it at the moment, he wasn't alowed to open the packet of meds, etc.
I sorta figured it out twice since then and that thing kis a life saver.
Nebulizer with albuterol, daily injections of blood thinner, morphine in various forms through out the day, Ativan for anxiety and opening breathing, two heart pills a day, two steroids a day, plus a bunch I won't even take. I've gone from one scrip (birth control) a month to so many I am ignoring a few unnecessary ones. Oh yeah, and Myralax is a life saver when you are on the narcotics.
Fun times, eh?
Mom and aunts are converging on me at noon tomorrow to finish getting this place ready to be Den o' Death.
I had one a nebulizer a few years ago, for a few weeks during tree pollen season, because my allergies were so bad, but I don't remember how to use it.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#95261 Jan 9, 2014
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Does anyone here use a nebulizer? I got one yesterday, didn't get fully trained on how to use it, it was demonstrated but because I didn't actually need it at the moment, he wasn't alowed to open the packet of meds, etc.
I sorta figured it out twice since then and that thing kis a life saver.
Nebulizer with albuterol, daily injections of blood thinner, morphine in various forms through out the day, Ativan for anxiety and opening breathing, two heart pills a day, two steroids a day, plus a bunch I won't even take. I've gone from one scrip (birth control) a month to so many I am ignoring a few unnecessary ones. Oh yeah, and Myralax is a life saver when you are on the narcotics.
Fun times, eh?
Mom and aunts are converging on me at noon tomorrow to finish getting this place ready to be Den o' Death.
My younger daughter uses the hand held one for asthma. She had had the machine briefly in the hospital. She uses teh same drug- albuterol. If you are using the hand held one, did they give you a spacer? That is a plastic tube a little bigger than a toilet paper roll with valves at one end and a mouth piece. Amazing stuff albuterol.

I am not sure if you can get out but we found the pharmacist at Walgreens very helpful in teaching her. I think she was 4 or 5 at the time.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#95262 Jan 9, 2014
2 weird, sad things.

1. Hospital bed arrives tomorrow. I am not supposed to be alone at night any more. While they look into a temporary hospice bed someplace until my mom can move in (they give Ralph about two weeks), i m supposed to ask friends to volunteer/sign up for one sleepover... Ideally, enough friends, each person would do only one night of sleeping in my comfy bed while I am out on the hospital bed That just isn't something I expected to have to do. Thought Ralph would be DEAD by now.

2. We don't think I will make it to Nick's April 23 birthday but I haven't told him that yet. Nurse thinks this is as good as I'm going to be for a while.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Chicago Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
News Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 1 min Denny CranesPlace 1,405,142
News BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 7 min Buster Steinbeizer 219,641
Four letter word game (Dec '11) 37 min GEORGIA 1,806
Double Word Game (Dec '11) 40 min GEORGIA 2,862
Word (Dec '08) 42 min GEORGIA 6,564
{keep A word drop A word} (Oct '11) 2 hr RACE 9,222
Song Titles Only (group/artist in parenthesis m... (Mar '10) 2 hr RACE 8,521

Chicago Jobs

More from around the web

Personal Finance

Chicago Mortgages