Topix Chitown Regulars

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#90454 Aug 28, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Thank god taht kid has his dad. Mom is not parenting the teen well.
I will admit, I watched it thru the biased eyes of a father. I imagine, a woman (Stina maybe since she's got the divorced single mother perspective) might be less sympathetic toward the father and identify with the woman in the video. I don't doubt she loves her son and having him not want to live with her was likely ripping her heart out.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#90455 Aug 28, 2013
I think Stina seems like someone who would think, "What? You want to be in our kid's life and contribute to her upbringing in every way? Praise the lord, I have some HELP in all this."

i await her affirmation or correction.:)

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#90456 Aug 28, 2013
I think Stina also would identify more with the *reasonable* parent, not by gender, since she seems reasonable. I mean, I remember a couple of negative things about her ex, and we all vent in here about someone close to us/in our lives, but it's not like she's gone ragey on him in here. That tells me she's a reasonable person, and a reasonable person to co-parent with.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#90457 Aug 28, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
I think Stina also would identify more with the *reasonable* parent, not by gender, since she seems reasonable. I mean, I remember a couple of negative things about her ex, and we all vent in here about someone close to us/in our lives, but it's not like she's gone ragey on him in here. That tells me she's a reasonable person, and a reasonable person to co-parent with.
My point was that I only got to see this exchange. I have no idea the history. Meaning someone with a different perspective may have more experience with an ex that's good at manipulating the situation to make himself out to be the innocent one and make the ex look bad when that's not the case.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#90458 Aug 28, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
I worked with a guy who was a girls' volleyball coach. He told me that junior and high school girls behaved in a way to elicit a response from him, and some were VERY provocative, Including removing clothing or trying to initiate conversations about sex to the degree that he had a strict rule: Never be alone in a room with any of the girls. Ever. And the entire gymnasium was included in that "room" rule.
And he said there was one consistency among them: The most poorly behaving girls did not have still-married parents. He saw their behavior as a result of not having a loving, involved dad in their lives to show them how men should treat women and how women should behave toward men.
Christopher had this friend Mike. Mike had a...I'm gonna go with 14, yeah 14 year old daughter. Daughter had a MAJOR crush on Chris. Everyone (including her dad) saw it. Chris handled it well and was never alone with her or anything, but I still felt like it wouldn't be the worst idea to say something to him.

To wit:
M: "You know that Angie has a crush on you right?"
C: "Yeah, everyone knows."
(editorial comment: LOL)
M: "Well you might want to just make sure you are never completely alone with her,*or any other underaged girl* for the rest of your life...just to be safe."
C: "Yeah, that's what I was thinking."

Smart kid.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#90459 Aug 28, 2013
Oh look, someone (ahem mutt?) is doing the negative juggy icons on everything I say...how cute.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#90460 Aug 28, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>My point was that I only got to see this exchange. I have no idea the history. Meaning someone with a different perspective may have more experience with an ex that's good at manipulating the situation to make himself out to be the innocent one and make the ex look bad when that's not the case.
I can see that.

And hey, maybe the dad lets the son drink and watch porn and the kid thinks that's great, and mom has been battling overly permissive dad for a while.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#90461 Aug 28, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I will admit, I watched it thru the biased eyes of a father. I imagine, a woman (Stina maybe since she's got the divorced single mother perspective) might be less sympathetic toward the father and identify with the woman in the video. I don't doubt she loves her son and having him not want to live with her was likely ripping her heart out.
I haven't watched the video but I can tell you that as a teenager I begged my parents to let me move in with my grandparents just so I could get away from them. I put it just about that way, too if I recall. My parents were not divorced or separated. I may well have done that as a means of causing my mother grief.I am not proud of the episode; my older daughter pulled something similar. We offered her a weet 16 party and she said only if I left town for it. Told her , No, that was unacceptable. She, ah declined the party. Four years later hen the same offer was made to the younger one who accepted, older daughter grouched that she hadn't had one.Being reminded did not stop her from claiming favoritism. It has more to do with being a teenager than being in the tumultuous situation described in the video, but you need to have a lot of self confidence as a parent to know that.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#90462 Aug 28, 2013
Red-

How are you going to get the ice cream up to the cabin? Which brand of root beer will you get?

Is it better or worse that you are up there with people you are not related to?

FWIW, I was reading the Al Jazeera website about the state of healthcare on Indian reservations. They cited the Department of Justice for statistics on rape on the reservations as 1 in 3 which was more than twice as many than the general population. CDC cited the general population rate as 1 in 4. I am still checking.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#90463 Aug 28, 2013
PEllen wrote:
Red-
How are you going to get the ice cream up to the cabin? Which brand of root beer will you get?
Is it better or worse that you are up there with people you are not related to?
FWIW, I was reading the Al Jazeera website about the state of healthcare on Indian reservations. They cited the Department of Justice for statistics on rape on the reservations as 1 in 3 which was more than twice as many than the general population. CDC cited the general population rate as 1 in 4. I am still checking.
ice cream: There is a nicely stocked grocery store (/bait shop) in a nearby town. I don't drink root beer, so I'll let Nick pick that.

It's not so bad. I just limit my time spent with his sister. Enjoy her while she's pleasant, after she chews out her husband (always in a weird patronizing voice but she thinks she's using therapistspeak) a couple of times, step away and get a drink and something to do or read.

She's so annoying, when she fishes with us on the boat I bring my ipod and earbuds. She was kind of mad/insulted when she found that out on the boat, but Nick and I both try to limit conversation when fishing. Voices carry, it's a time to reflect on other things or on nothing. If Nick's mom were on the boat, I'd have to do the same thing.

Nick warned me to never agree to watch a movie with her. She talks through every movie, asks questions, makes comments, etc. She will warn you about what's about to happen if she's already seen it!

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#90464 Aug 28, 2013
Oh -- the movie comment was about Nick's mom. Only her husband will watch a movie with her -- no one else will!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#90465 Aug 29, 2013

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

#90466 Aug 29, 2013
Ang, that's super annoying about Nick's sister and movie-watching!

Topix on my home computer is fine and it's still messed up on my work computer (both IE and Firefox). I hate it, it makes it so much more difficult to participate.
:(

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#90467 Aug 29, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
I think Stina also would identify more with the *reasonable* parent, not by gender, since she seems reasonable. I mean, I remember a couple of negative things about her ex, and we all vent in here about someone close to us/in our lives, but it's not like she's gone ragey on him in here. That tells me she's a reasonable person, and a reasonable person to co-parent with.
Thanks for considering me reasonable!:D

I didn't watch the video for lack of time, but from the synopsis, it sounds like the mom is way out of line. OBviously, there is a reason that the kid doensn't want to be there and the fact that she is calling the real dad by the first name and step dad as "dad" is a good peek into why. There are things you can "think" that you have to hold your tongue from saying.

Look, my ex hasn't had an actual job in over 5 years. He hasn't paid much of ANYTHING to my daughter's care in over 5 years. I got him to contribute $100 towards a dental issue, I got $10 one month towards her musical instrument rental (yes, once) and he has bought her 2 pairs of sneakers. I have a lot of "not so pleasant thoughts". But I use every ounce of strength not to vent my anger around my daughter. I do not attempt to keep them from each other because I don't feel that is fair to HER. I get frustrated that she doesn't see a good work ethic, so I try to model and teach her that much more (and I have a lot of help from my very stable, hard-working parents). But she loves her dad and I have to smile and deal for her sake. She knows a lot about who he is because she is insightful, but she is figuring it out on her own. It's best when he and I can get along and show up to school events or discuss times when she has issues and that she can see us figuring out how to work together (even if I *do* want to hit him with a frying pan most of the time). She wants to be with me more, so last year we moved from 50/50 to 2/3 and 1/3. And I know she wants one more day a week with me and that may happen. But he is always welcome and expected at her events and such.

It sounds like the mom in this video completely lost it. And then to try and coerce the other kids to get involved and trying to reach into the car. And it doesn't even sound like she was being sane enough to say, "Hey, let's all sit down for a half hour and talk about this and see what we can come up with". Of course, I think this situation has probably long passed that point! It's pretty bad when police have to be involved. What a mess for teh kids!

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#90468 Aug 29, 2013
cheluzal wrote:
<quoted text>
Never would I support this, nor do I think the girl should be raked through the mud and the teacher excused.
I just want to offer some perspective from the inside. These kids are more aggressive than some realize. No, I do NOT condone this or use it to excuse, I just feel many teachers don't go into teaching to prey on youngsters.
For the girls, I think they get some attention and can't separate their emotions from the age of the person giving it. I have had 8th graders give me their freaking phone number before!! They are ridiculous. Obviously, I threw it away and handled it appropriately, but someone insecure and/or in an unhappy marriage would start to enjoy the attention and the lines would blur.
Again, please don't think I'm excusing it. I am not. I just want to offer it from another side.
And the other side is this grown adult has no character and you do. They've got to start having training, then, if it's so difficult for some people to handle and emphasize the importance of setting boundaries with the students.

I don't think there is anything a 14 year old could do or say that would lead me to think it's okay to have sex with that 14 year old.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#90469 Aug 29, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>you should check out the video I posted last night.
If not, here are the highlights:
-dad brings kids back after visitation
-14 year old does not want to get out of the car
-dad videoing the incident
-she accuses dad of poisoning him(verbally) and that's why he does not want to get out of car
-kid tries to remain calm through whole thing
-mom saying if dad wants more time in the custody arrangement, he can go to the judge.
-dad don't have the money to go thru all the legal proceedings, willing to work out something with her, but she's not having it
-while talking to the kid, she refers to the new husband(in the background) as dad and refers to dad by his name
-she has the attitude that things are great then he goes to his dad's and comes back different, to which he responds that's not true and that they fight every night when he's there and there's no fighting at dad's
-accuses her of hitting him and jacking him up against the wall with her hand on his throat during one argument(cops were there at that point at her request)
-she tried using his siblings to guilt him into getting out of the car
-claims she does not feel he's safe at the father's house even for visitation(and she claimed HE was poisoning the kid on her)
End result, cops said this is a civil matter. We can't force him out of the car, and when she tried to force her way in and open the car, kid rolled the window up on her arm and blocked her. Cops then said if it continued down that road, it would become a domestic disturbance and at that point he definitely would not be able to stay there. Cops told dad he was free to leave with the kid.
Like I said, it was a long video, and even though I jumped through it, it was still very interesting.
I feel for the dad, but I don't. It doesn't cost anything to put a motion into court and request more visitation (well, maybe $25 for filing fees). The lawyer costs money. There are tons of advocacy groups and perhaps since this has gone public one will help him get a pro bono lawyer.

Also, the cops are full of crap. The judge will probably come down hard on the dad for not helping get the kid inside when his visitation was over. The father doesn't have custody and the kid is a minor so the cop should have told the kid to get inside. The kid doesn't get to decide.

The cops don't like to get in the middle of the divorce/custody issues and I can understand that. The father could be poisoning the child's mind against the mother and the mother might be the worst mother in the world. In this situation it does sound like the mother is a real piece of work and not in a good way. Judges will listen to a kid in these situations.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#90470 Aug 29, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Like I said, it was a long video, and even though I jumped through it, it was still very interesting.
I think by the time you are 14 you should have the major say in which parent you want to live with, absent abuse or neglect. I think most judges would take that approach too if a child were as adamant as he is about not living with her.

Mom failed to realize this ... she thought that some court order, that was probably years old, gave her the absolute power to do and act however she chooses, regardless of the affect of these things on her son and how it would make him feel about living with her. She went so far as to ask for the police to press charges against her for battery or assault (I forget), if it meant he would have to get out of the car. Really, what a f'ing witch, IMO.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#90471 Aug 29, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
I haven't watched the video but I can tell you that as a teenager I begged my parents to let me move in with my grandparents just so I could get away from them. I put it just about that way, too if I recall. My parents were not divorced or separated. I may well have done that as a means of causing my mother grief.I am not proud of the episode; my older daughter pulled something similar. We offered her a weet 16 party and she said only if I left town for it. Told her , No, that was unacceptable. She, ah declined the party. Four years later hen the same offer was made to the younger one who accepted, older daughter grouched that she hadn't had one.Being reminded did not stop her from claiming favoritism. It has more to do with being a teenager than being in the tumultuous situation described in the video, but you need to have a lot of self confidence as a parent to know that.
I have to agree with this. Until you have a teenager that pulls crap like this, you don't believe it. You think it's the parents. The payoff comes later when they're older and they are so glad you were their parent and not like a friend. They realize later that they needed a parent and not a friend letting them do as they please. A divorce makes it messy if one parents wants to blame the other and then the kid can create real havoc.

Flipside of the coin -- the kid could be levelheaded and what he's saying is true.

Ah, sticky situations! Not easy to really know unless you're living it.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#90472 Aug 29, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
I think by the time you are 14 you should have the major say in which parent you want to live with, absent abuse or neglect. I think most judges would take that approach too if a child were as adamant as he is about not living with her.
Mom failed to realize this ... she thought that some court order, that was probably years old, gave her the absolute power to do and act however she chooses, regardless of the affect of these things on her son and how it would make him feel about living with her. She went so far as to ask for the police to press charges against her for battery or assault (I forget), if it meant he would have to get out of the car. Really, what a f'ing witch, IMO.
I agree. From what I understand, though, in FL the kids don't have a lot of say so.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#90473 Aug 29, 2013
This week's Dear Prudence column:
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prude...

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