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81,041 - 81,060 of 97,927 Comments Last updated 27 min ago

“bELieve”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#82154 Mar 12, 2013
I promise I have other things to discuss than funerals, but I have to ask. Where y'all live, is it customary to give money to the family of the deceased money at or around the time of the funeral? I guess I understand why this would have been done in the past (before insurance was widely available) or if the community knows that the widow is left in great hardship, but I just don't get it sometimes.

My MIL received around $1300 in cards and envelopes at the wake, PLUS flowers, food baskets, etc. My FIL had life insurance and they have no dependents.

She is going to spend it all (plus some of her own $) on a memorial plaque with his name on it at the back of the church.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#82155 Mar 12, 2013
Jess in NJ wrote:
I promise I have other things to discuss than funerals, but I have to ask. Where y'all live, is it customary to give money to the family of the deceased money at or around the time of the funeral? I guess I understand why this would have been done in the past (before insurance was widely available) or if the community knows that the widow is left in great hardship, but I just don't get it sometimes.
My MIL received around $1300 in cards and envelopes at the wake, PLUS flowers, food baskets, etc. My FIL had life insurance and they have no dependents.
She is going to spend it all (plus some of her own $) on a memorial plaque with his name on it at the back of the church.
A) Discuss what you need to as much as you want. That's what we're here for.

B) I have no idea what's customary since I've only been to one funeral ever (see "jamwow doesn't know how to grieve" which is related to MY favorite topic).

C) I think your MIL's idea of what to do with the money is lovely.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#82156 Mar 12, 2013
Yes, around here it is customary to give a mass card with some money in the envelope. I usually see them at the wake, not the church.The envelopes are kept near teh visitors register book and tehre is a white card to insert to say who it is from and the purpose as I recall. It was my understanding that the purpose was either to offset the cost of teh wake/funeral/lunch or to donate to teh church to have massss said for teh soul of the deceased.

It is very optional but it is not economic dependent. I have seen it done at wakes for people whom I knew to be well off.

Not being Catholic I haven't made a donation like that although occasionally I will donate in someones name to the charity in the death notice.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#82157 Mar 12, 2013
Jess in NJ wrote:
I promise I have other things to discuss than funerals, but I have to ask. Where y'all live, is it customary to give money to the family of the deceased money at or around the time of the funeral? I guess I understand why this would have been done in the past (before insurance was widely available) or if the community knows that the widow is left in great hardship, but I just don't get it sometimes.
My MIL received around $1300 in cards and envelopes at the wake, PLUS flowers, food baskets, etc. My FIL had life insurance and they have no dependents.
She is going to spend it all (plus some of her own $) on a memorial plaque with his name on it at the back of the church.
Not here it isn't, unless an education fund is set up for minor children. My dad got $60 handed to him by a some relatives at my mom's funeral and he was confused by it.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

Cedar Grove, TN

#82158 Mar 12, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Or this comment:
Great way to raise awareness for the cures for…
Wait…
Great way to raise awareness for the homle….
Wait…
Great way to raise awareness for the hungr…
Wait…
Great way to raise awareness for eliminating domsestic…
Wait…
What is this for? A day not to wear make-up for 1-day? Really?
I get the point the poster was trying to make, but I really dislike that rationale that just because something isn't as bad or as good as something else that it's not worthwhile on its own. "Why are you stopping me for speeding, someone is getting mugged right now." "Why are you criticizing me for x? At least I didn't y." "Why bother with this when that is so much worse?" I think it is sily to say, basically, that it's a waste to address young women's self-esteem because there are other worse problems.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

Cedar Grove, TN

#82159 Mar 12, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
I am liking the comments:
It makes me giggle a bit inside to see pictures of high school girls not wearing makeup for ONE DAY and posing with all these signs about inner beauty and then putting on the makeup the next day and going to class.
Inner beauty! Celebrate it 1/360th of the year!
They had a gallery in the Chive yesterday of porn stars with and without make-up. Very interesting. Some very naturally pretty. Many, not. But the difference it makes, along with the lighting in some cases, was astounding.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#82160 Mar 12, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
I love it. I sent out a liked in request for recommendations(for those not on linked in, its where your professional contacts can write up a little testimonial to your greatness which is then visible to all who view your profile). One former co-worker emailed me back. Gave me his linkedin user id and password. Told me to write whatever I wanted.
I bet that's his password for other things, like his Facebook! "Hack" into it and troll him!

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#82161 Mar 12, 2013
Jess in NJ wrote:
I promise I have other things to discuss than funerals, but I have to ask. Where y'all live, is it customary to give money to the family of the deceased money at or around the time of the funeral? I guess I understand why this would have been done in the past (before insurance was widely available) or if the community knows that the widow is left in great hardship, but I just don't get it sometimes.
My MIL received around $1300 in cards and envelopes at the wake, PLUS flowers, food baskets, etc. My FIL had life insurance and they have no dependents.
She is going to spend it all (plus some of her own $) on a memorial plaque with his name on it at the back of the church.
I was either too young or not told about money we may have received when my grandparents passed away.

I can say that when a former coworker's wife passed away recently, an envelope was passed around with the condolence card. It had plenty of money in it when it came to me. And around here, we *know* how much people are making in retirement, so it couldn't really be about the family needing money. He's making plenty.

We post death notices in the elevator here (my mom called it the Doom and Gloom Room) and often there is listed some charity that donations can be made to, instead of sending flowers. I like that idea.

People want to do something. After all, we give for every other big life event; baby showers, wedding showers, weddings, birthdays, anniversaries. But gifts aren't appropriate for this big life event, so money is given instead. I see it as a way to show you care.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#82162 Mar 12, 2013
Jess in NJ wrote:
I promise I have other things to discuss than funerals, but I have to ask. Where y'all live, is it customary to give money to the family of the deceased money at or around the time of the funeral? I guess I understand why this would have been done in the past (before insurance was widely available) or if the community knows that the widow is left in great hardship, but I just don't get it sometimes.
My MIL received around $1300 in cards and envelopes at the wake, PLUS flowers, food baskets, etc. My FIL had life insurance and they have no dependents.
She is going to spend it all (plus some of her own $) on a memorial plaque with his name on it at the back of the church.
But the insurance may take a while to pay out, meanwhile, there's a funeral to pay for, perhaps food for out of town relatives, gas, all kinds of expenses that you don't normally plan for when someone dies. So I can understand that money helping out.

I'm not a big fan of plaques, unless they are attached to something useful, like a park bench. I like the idea of a bench for people to sit on, while they quietly reflect. But if she wants a plaque, more power to her. She can do what she wants.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#82163 Mar 12, 2013
Sam I Am GEAM wrote:
<quoted text>
I get the point the poster was trying to make, but I really dislike that rationale that just because something isn't as bad or as good as something else that it's not worthwhile on its own. "Why are you stopping me for speeding, someone is getting mugged right now." "Why are you criticizing me for x? At least I didn't y." "Why bother with this when that is so much worse?" I think it is sily to say, basically, that it's a waste to address young women's self-esteem because there are other worse problems.
I do agree with you on that.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#82164 Mar 12, 2013
Sam I Am GEAM wrote:
<quoted text>
They had a gallery in the Chive yesterday of porn stars with and without make-up. Very interesting. Some very naturally pretty. Many, not. But the difference it makes, along with the lighting in some cases, was astounding.
One of teh mainstream news sites picked that up. It may have been Fox

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

Knoxville, TN

#82165 Mar 12, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>One of teh mainstream news sites picked that up. It may have been Fox
I'm sure Bill O'Reilly was all over it.

“bELieve”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#82166 Mar 12, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>But the insurance may take a while to pay out, meanwhile, there's a funeral to pay for, perhaps food for out of town relatives, gas, all kinds of expenses that you don't normally plan for when someone dies. So I can understand that money helping out.

I'm not a big fan of plaques, unless they are attached to something useful, like a park bench. I like the idea of a bench for people to sit on, while they quietly reflect. But if she wants a plaque, more power to her. She can do what she wants.
I have told my mother and husband that I would like my name on a bench somewhere, instead of being buried and having a headstone. I'm a big fan of practical.

My husband and I actually have funeral insurance. There is a certificate that the surviving spouse hands the funeral director and the insurance company pays the funeral home directly. We don't have to make prearrangements and there are very few restrictions on what it covers (doesn't cover flowers, for example).

You guys are right that she can do whatever she wants with the money - she didn't make any charity suggestions in the obituary because 1) that's not the kind of people they were and 2) she was hoping to get enough money to pay for this plaque. I guess I just think it is ridiculous that the church is charging so much for a little piece of brass.

FWIW, I'm also not a fan of flowers at funerals. I think they are a waste of money, but my MIL loves public displays. There were so many flowers and people there that my husband told me to stay in back with the kids just in case I got a panic attack.

Several people arranged to have masses said for my FIL at various churches throughout the year. My MIL's overbearing sister thought it would be a good idea to schedule one to be said on my MIL's birthday in October. "Just a reminder, your husband isn't here to celebrate with you this year!" Ugh.

“bELieve”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#82167 Mar 12, 2013
We spent 3 hours in Costco today and still have to do regular grocery shopping next week. What a morning!

Came home to get my husband'd furlough notice in the mail :(

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#82168 Mar 12, 2013
Jess in NJ wrote:
<quoted text>
Several people arranged to have masses said for my FIL at various churches throughout the year. My MIL's overbearing sister thought it would be a good idea to schedule one to be said on my MIL's birthday in October. "Just a reminder, your husband isn't here to celebrate with you this year!" Ugh.
WTF? Gee, thanks! Like she's going to forget he existed.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#82169 Mar 12, 2013
Sam I Am GEAM wrote:
<quoted text>
I'm sure Bill O'Reilly was all over it.
Can't say. All I saw was the photo gallery. I was paying more attention to how hardened they looked

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

#82170 Mar 12, 2013
Jess, i think the only money we got was maybe $20 in a little envelipe with the option of "chartity ____" marked on it. We got some masses said, and who knows what the hospice & nursing home will get (we mentioned them in lieu of flowers). Gramma's sister was pretty insistent on getting flowers, so we used her donation for 2 small arrangements we were planning on anyway. we wanted notihng fancy.

as for the funeral insuarnce, do the family a favor and at least include a sheet of notes abotu what kind of stuff you DO and DON"T want at hte funeral, like teh songs, reading, creamation or not, etc. My mom had pestered my gramma enough about it over the years so taht it was actually pretty easy for me to take care of the arrangemetns a couple of weeks ago. me, i will come back and HAUNT anyone who agrees to tolling bells at the funeral mass... Others may not care about it, but im adamant about it. <so there!{pouty little kid stomp and all}>

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#82171 Mar 12, 2013
Jess in NJ wrote:
We spent 3 hours in Costco today and still have to do regular grocery shopping next week. What a morning!
Came home to get my husband'd furlough notice in the mail :(
My daughter is with NIH in MD. She elected not to renew her contract because there was no certainty that grant money would come through next summer to fund her research.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#82172 Mar 12, 2013
Jess in NJ wrote:
I guess I just think it is ridiculous that the church is charging so much for a little piece of brass.
Well, that's what I was thinking. Like, she collected all that money from people and she needs to add more of her own to buy the plaque?
Jess in NJ wrote:
Several people arranged to have masses said for my FIL at various churches throughout the year. My MIL's overbearing sister thought it would be a good idea to schedule one to be said on my MIL's birthday in October. "Just a reminder, your husband isn't here to celebrate with you this year!" Ugh.
With sisters like that, who needs enemies?

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#82173 Mar 12, 2013
Ah, my MIL is busy trying to convince J that SIL needs to go to community college next year. Ah...no. On so many levels. No.

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