Topix Chitown Regulars

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#77614 Dec 23, 2012
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
I suggest you stick to football meathead and leave politics to those with an IQ above 75...
Yikes! Where's your Xmas spirit???
Thanks for being brief!

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#77615 Dec 23, 2012
Ferrerman wrote:
<quoted text>Yikes! Where's your Xmas spirit???
Thanks for being brief!
I was only brief because it's Christmas time. Don't ever say I never did anything for ya.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#77616 Dec 23, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
They got back together.
I haves serious question. We were going to do Christmas dinner just the three of us girls: me, A, and her roommate. I was telling myself if the bf ended up back in the picture, I wouldn't go. I never told A this though so she assumes I'm still going.
I'm considering it, only because I want to make the choice that will result in the least amount of stress for me. Backing out would be hard, and he's tolerable to be around - he saves the crazy for when the rest of us aren't around.
Thought?
Merry freaking Christmas.
Show up. Be there. Make sure he understands she has friends that won't let her be isolated.Smile at him a lot. Make him nervous. Ask detailed questions about his friends and family in Peru and how different teh culture is between the 2 countries. Ask for his mother's address because you heard there were some gorgeous Peruvian woven wool somethings or teh recipe for making Peruvian roast chicken or something and you would love her input. Smile at him when you press that you don't want to bother him, its a (you know)ladies-not girl, ladies- thing.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#77617 Dec 23, 2012
Don't cast away your fiends because of their choice of partner.
Her problems are not yours. Only she can make her own decisions.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#77618 Dec 23, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
Happy Festivus, bitches.
Carry on with your airing of greviances.
Hey baby! Thought you ran off with cycle

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#77619 Dec 24, 2012
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>Show up. Be there. Make sure he understands she has friends that won't let her be isolated.Smile at him a lot. Make him nervous. Ask detailed questions about his friends and family in Peru and how different teh culture is between the 2 countries. Ask for his mother's address because you heard there were some gorgeous Peruvian woven wool somethings or teh recipe for making Peruvian roast chicken or something and you would love her input. Smile at him when you press that you don't want to bother him, its a (you know)ladies-not girl, ladies- thing.
This sounds like a scene in a bad chick flick. ;)

I have never met anyone who successfully saved another person from their own self-destructive behavior, P. I think that is asking a lot for a friend to go along for the ride, especially when they have repeatedly shown they are going to ignore glaring red flags do what they want anyway. The guy was a giant red flag from the beginning and its been nothing but that since then. I actually think the girl needs counseling.

If anything, i agree with the dog and she she shouldn't be so involved in the roller coaster relationship anymore. If the guys own behavior hasn't caused her to see the light, I highly doubt anything JMW does will help with that. Really what's it gonna take? The guy's a complete dooooosh.
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#77620 Dec 24, 2012
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
This sounds like a scene in a bad chick flick. ;)
I have never met anyone who successfully saved another person from their own self-destructive behavior, P. I think that is asking a lot for a friend to go along for the ride, especially when they have repeatedly shown they are going to ignore glaring red flags do what they want anyway. The guy was a giant red flag from the beginning and its been nothing but that since then. I actually think the girl needs counseling.
If anything, i agree with the dog and she she shouldn't be so involved in the roller coaster relationship anymore. If the guys own behavior hasn't caused her to see the light, I highly doubt anything JMW does will help with that. Really what's it gonna take? The guy's a complete dooooosh.
Look at it the other way. JMW is not saving A.I agree that acn't be done without A's full cooperation. JMW is just letting The Doosh know that other people are watching him.

Think of it as a boutique with lovely trinkets on the countertops on display. A bad guy wants to takle them. Hewill be less inclined to do so if the guy in the suit and tie is obviously watching his every move.

What Dog said is right. You don't abndon your friends even though as often as not some friends will chose teh guy over the buddies. No help for that.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#77621 Dec 24, 2012
Okay, I'm on a real computer now and can type better, so I'll explain my question better.:)

Last weekend, I laid it all out for A after she asked my opinion. I said everything you guys and RL friends have been telling me I need to say, and I did it in a compassionate and loving way. I was really happy with how that conversation turned out in terms of what I said and how I said it. No regrets.

My friend isn't at all dumb in a general way but she's dumb about guys. I'm not going to turn my back on her but for my own sanity, I have to get of the roller-coaster. I can't keep letting her dbag boyfriend continue to negatively affect my life. Think "Intervention" - I've said my peace (piece? not sure which it's supposed to be in this context) and now I have to back away and save myself.

So my decision about Christmas dinner comes from what's best for ME, what's going to cause ME the least amount of stress. And the thought of telling A that I'm backing out of our plans because of her boyfriend is pretty darn stressful.

I'm leaning toward going (without my dogs, though; I was originally going to bring them but I won't, so I have a legitimate reason to not stay late) because I feel like it will cause the least amount of waves right now. I can have confrontations later if necessary but it's Christmas, it's year-end at work, and I just can't put myself through the drama of backing out. A's (female) roommate will be there too so the more the merrier, so to speak. If I go, I'll make pleasantries but to PEllen's point, I'm not giving him a Q&A. I just can't do that to myself anymore.

I let A know last weekend that I'll be here for her if she needs me and I'll reiterate that if necessary, but I'm not going to keep saying the same shit over and over. We've talked about this in the context of Amby letters - if someone's not going to listen to advice, it's frustrating to keep having the same conversations. I *will* put an end to that, but timing is everything. I feel like Christmas isn't the time to draw this particular line in the sand (and her birthday is on Thursday, too) and I also don't want it to come across as an ultimatum. I'm not trying to make her choose between him and me, I just need to make it clear what MY choice is.

I talked to my mom very briefly about this yesterday (which is amazing, because she and I usually don't talk about this kind of stuff) and she said A is lucky to have me and I may save her life. I told her the part about saving her life might literally be true. As far as lucky, I feel like I'm trying really hard but there are definitely moments when I feel like a failure as a friend.

I'm sitting at work right now, in our closed office, about to get some year-end stuff done in peace. I'm about to spend my first Christmas in 8 years without Jasper. Lately I'm eating terribly and my hair is falling out. I need a break from everything and everyone, in a way.

Thanks for listening, guys, and for the advice. It's really nice to know that I can come here when I feel like I can't turn anywhere else. I know some people will skim by this War And Peace-length post and I understand, but I also know that some will read it and I appreciate that more than I can say.

Merry Christmas, for real.
:)
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#77622 Dec 24, 2012
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#77623 Dec 24, 2012
PEllen wrote:
http://www.topix.com/forum/chi cago/TR7856IP2UDKMOKNQ#lastPos t
Amy
http://www.topix.com/forum/chicago/T9MJO2IH1E...

Abby
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#77624 Dec 24, 2012
I wish you a tranquil Christmas, JMW.

Hair falls out under stress but it grows back stronger

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#77625 Dec 24, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
<too long to quote>
I think I've followed along with this saga, but maybe I'm missing something.
You don't like the guy, you think he's bad for her, wierd, controlling, flaky, etc...
I get that part.
But you say he's tolerable to be around. He does not bust out the crazy when others are there. So dinner would not be uncomfortable. You've made your feelings about the whole situation clear to your friend. If she chooses to stay with him, how is this causing you more stress or negatively affecting you? You say you don't want to make it seem like a him or me ultimatum. If that's not it, then what is it? Other than breaking up with the dude, what is going to make you happy? Unless I am missing something, it just seems like you will not be happy unless she makes the decision you want her to make.

Like I said, I may be missing something, but from what I recall reading, the only thing that has directly affected you is her unreliability when making plans. I have someone like that in my life. My sister. I have just learned to adjust my expectations and not be angry when she flakes. Instead, I just continue with the gameplan without her. Or find something else to do with my time.

I tend to let people live their own lives without my intervention. I am there if you need me, but I am not going to make it my job to save you from yourself.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#77626 Dec 24, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I think I've followed along with this saga, but maybe I'm missing something.
You don't like the guy, you think he's bad for her, wierd, controlling, flaky, etc...
I get that part.
But you say he's tolerable to be around. He does not bust out the crazy when others are there. So dinner would not be uncomfortable. You've made your feelings about the whole situation clear to your friend. If she chooses to stay with him, how is this causing you more stress or negatively affecting you? You say you don't want to make it seem like a him or me ultimatum. If that's not it, then what is it? Other than breaking up with the dude, what is going to make you happy? Unless I am missing something, it just seems like you will not be happy unless she makes the decision you want her to make.
Like I said, I may be missing something, but from what I recall reading, the only thing that has directly affected you is her unreliability when making plans. I have someone like that in my life. My sister. I have just learned to adjust my expectations and not be angry when she flakes. Instead, I just continue with the gameplan without her. Or find something else to do with my time.
I tend to let people live their own lives without my intervention. I am there if you need me, but I am not going to make it my job to save you from yourself.
I think he's bad news on a creepy, potentially dangerous level. That's why this whole situation is so intense. So yes, I don't like the fact that she's with him and it would make me happy if they broke up (and stayed broken up).

However, yes, I also know that I can't make that choice for her and I can only make my own choices in how I react - or be pro-active - to situations. Planning is one way he's affected me, indirectly I guess, but last weekend they were arguing the whole time SHE AND I were supposed to be out Christmas shopping together. Instead of hanging out and having fun, our time together was consumed by his asshattery. So that's another way he has affected me negatively, and I guess you're right, it is an ultimatum in a way.

I've dealt with flaky people before but not anyone who gave me the creeps like this. It's uncharted territory for me and I'm sure I've made some mistakes along the way. But it's driving ME nuts and I have to stop being involved.

Yeah, he's tolerable to be around. He's not a fun person, doesn't really joke around or laugh or smile, but is capable of holding a mildly interesting conversation. The controlling stuff happens when they're not together - the calling, the texting, etc. so I while I've SEEN it firsthand, I've never actually been in the same room as him when he's going off on a manic tirade.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#77627 Dec 24, 2012
Ahhh, bummer to hear they're back together. Maybe it's just out of a fear of being alone for the holidays and she'll start thinking straight soon. :-(

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#77628 Dec 24, 2012
Nice way to make it ALL the other guys (read me) fault.
I am fine with listening to any good ideas, but you have presented none, so what am I supposed to do? Come up with the ideas for you? All that I read WAS about limiting my rights, sure talking about it does not take my rights away, but all's your talking about is taking away my rights! Well, sorry but I dont want to discuss that.
Come up with an idea that does not step on my rights and I will be happy to discuss it.
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Not once did the pro-gun guys ever concede that there might be things that can be done. Talking, discussing doesn't take away anyone's rights for goodness sakes.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#77629 Dec 24, 2012
What does any of this even mean? What is the specific issue that you speak of? How is mental illness connected with guns? Are you saying that only crazy people have them? There are already laws that say crazies cant have guns, so again, please provide an actual idea instead of just spouting this nonsense.
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
When mental illness comes up they think of it as a separate issue with the gun issue. Mental illness is a separate issue generally, but there is a specific issue (component if you will) connected to gun laws.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#77630 Dec 24, 2012
Sure, drive to FLL and have dinner with me. Prime rib, mashed potato's and gravy, grilled corn (in the husk of course). And the ever popular boat ride.
j_m_w wrote:
They got back together.
I haves serious question. We were going to do Christmas dinner just the three of us girls: me, A, and her roommate. I was telling myself if the bf ended up back in the picture, I wouldn't go. I never told A this though so she assumes I'm still going.
I'm considering it, only because I want to make the choice that will result in the least amount of stress for me. Backing out would be hard, and he's tolerable to be around - he saves the crazy for when the rest of us aren't around.
Thought?
Merry freaking Christmas.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#77631 Dec 24, 2012
My in-laws are doing their very best to sabotage Christmas once again this year. Sparing a lot of the details, but this is the gist:

My MIL had shoulder surgery last week. She won't sleep or take it easy. Which is weird, because she doesn't move much normally. She has fallen and not been able to get up unassisted at least once every day since she's been home. Claims that her ribs and knees hurt "from the surgery". Ah...no.

My step-FIL, who hasn't worked in FSM knows how long, all of a sudden finds work chopping wood and is gone while she's needing help around the house. SIL and her boyfriend went over there to help out and I think the poor boyfriend now has a decent picture of what a pair of wack-a-doodles they are.

My step-FIL is also on some sort of control rampage. We're not sure what happened exactly, but yesterday, MIL called to see if we wanted dinner tonight at their house, then called tearfully an hour or so later saying it was a misunderstanding and she just wanted to know if we were having Christmas Eve dinner at our house. He wants her off of Facebook "because there's men on there" and he threw a fit because he saw her talking to some random guy at the laundromat the other day. She's a 56 year old woman with the body of an 80 year old. She won't say if he's threatened her or what. He's never actually hit her (that we know of), but he's very threatening. They're both talking divorce, but she won't kick him out and he won't leave. Yaaaay.

J and SIL are both pretty shook up by the accumulating drama, especially yesterday. Hoping today is better.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#77632 Dec 24, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
Okay, I'm on a real computer now and can type better, so I'll explain my question better.:)

...
I'm on board with all that and it sounds like that is a good approach.

Tonka, some people, such as me and it sounds like JMW is the similar, would just find that very emotionally draining to be around, for whatever reason. As much as I like to play Dr. Phil on here ... in reality I could never be a therapist, for example. I don't like being around dysfunction. Its like being around a vampire. So, I can totally identify with her when she says she's going to give some distance for her own good.

With her and Jasper breaking up, it's good for her to ficus on herself and her needs and let her friend deal with her choices on her own. She doesn't have to abandon her, but I can also understand her not wanting to be around some guy like that and the dynamic between the two of them and if he's going to be the number one priority in her life, that will necessarily involve more distance between A and JMW.

Be good to yourself JMW and have a Merry Christmas.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#77633 Dec 24, 2012
RACE wrote:
Sure, drive to FLL and have dinner with me. Prime rib, mashed potato's and gravy, grilled corn (in the husk of course). And the ever popular boat ride.
<quoted text>
Ohh, don't tempt me!
;)

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