Topix Chitown Regulars

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#74215 Oct 9, 2012
Matilda77 wrote:
<quoted text>
I think, as females, we're kind of taught to look out for that kind of thing more than males would be. And the controlling is generally how it starts. It may never escalate to physical abuse, but generally physical abusers don't just out of the blue start decking their SO.
That's why I think this sounds like a textbook abuser: controlling, trying to isolate her from her friends ("weekends are mine" and wants her to always go to him instead of him coming up here), makes threats. The level of intensity this early in the relationship freaks me out, too. I thought this stuff was usually a lot more gradual.

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#74216 Oct 9, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
That's why I think this sounds like a textbook abuser: controlling, trying to isolate her from her friends ("weekends are mine" and wants her to always go to him instead of him coming up here), makes threats. The level of intensity this early in the relationship freaks me out, too. I thought this stuff was usually a lot more gradual.
The smarter, craftier ones are more gradual about it.
This one is impatient, which (IME) usually means that when he does get physical, it won't be as minor an assault. The less impatient ones will start with more subtle things and by the time they actually strike the woman they've already gotten her conditioned by restraining, pushing/shoving and other smaller assaults.
I hope she gets out before she gets hurt.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#74217 Oct 9, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
That's why I think this sounds like a textbook abuser: controlling, trying to isolate her from her friends ("weekends are mine" and wants her to always go to him instead of him coming up here), makes threats. The level of intensity this early in the relationship freaks me out, too. I thought this stuff was usually a lot more gradual.
The dog thing gets me. I'm assuming she didn't adopt the dog in the last 30 days...so he knew she had one shortly after or even before dating her. I think I'd leave my marriage before I'd give up my dogs...

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#74218 Oct 9, 2012
At best, she ends up in a relationship like my MIL and step-FIL. He's never hit her, but he is controlling and verbally abusive.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#74219 Oct 9, 2012
Matilda77 wrote:
<quoted text>
The dog thing gets me. I'm assuming she didn't adopt the dog in the last 30 days...so he knew she had one shortly after or even before dating her. I think I'd leave my marriage before I'd give up my dogs...
She's had the dog for about 6 months, I think. TO be fair, she was thinking about giving the dog to her parents anyway, for a few different reasons, so she probably mentioned that to him and he latched onto it. But to get annoyed at someone's schedule and travel limitations because of their pet is ca-razy....

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#74220 Oct 9, 2012
Matilda77 wrote:
At best, she ends up in a relationship like my MIL and step-FIL. He's never hit her, but he is controlling and verbally abusive.
I have reason to believe that this guy will hit my friend. He hasn't yet, that I know of, but I do think that's where this is leading.
:(

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#74221 Oct 9, 2012
HA!
(chill bro, peeps will start to talk...)
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Rush is awesome!

“bELieve”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#74222 Oct 9, 2012
NWmoon wrote:
<quoted text>The smarter, craftier ones are more gradual about it.
This one is impatient, which (IME) usually means that when he does get physical, it won't be as minor an assault. The less impatient ones will start with more subtle things and by the time they actually strike the woman they've already gotten her conditioned by restraining, pushing/shoving and other smaller assaults.
I hope she gets out before she gets hurt.
That's what makes it so scary - that he is rushing things and she is telling her friends, but not ending the relationship.

I know we have talked about this book on here before, but she might recognize her relationship if she reads the book The Gift Of Fear and that may give her the confidence to leave.

Realistically, though, if she has already established a pattern of unhealthy relationships, there is not much that anyone can do other than be there for support when/if she finally decides to leave. Wouldn't you agree?
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#74223 Oct 9, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
I have reason to believe that this guy will hit my friend. He hasn't yet, that I know of, but I do think that's where this is leading.
:(
So she needs a guy who is decent but not really emotionally available for a long term relationship until she gets her head straightened out, but one she can visit on weekends to get away from the Creep.

What about Jasper?

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#74224 Oct 9, 2012
Jess in NJ wrote:
<quoted text>
That's what makes it so scary - that he is rushing things and she is telling her friends, but not ending the relationship.
I know we have talked about this book on here before, but she might recognize her relationship if she reads the book The Gift Of Fear and that may give her the confidence to leave.
Realistically, though, if she has already established a pattern of unhealthy relationships, there is not much that anyone can do other than be there for support when/if she finally decides to leave. Wouldn't you agree?
Absolutely. The people I've helped (personally, not while I was volunteering at the shelter/on the hotline) I had to just stick it out, wouldn't let the guys drive me off. When they'd insult me, I'd just smile. And when my friends woke up and got them out, I was still there. Many of their other friends were not, but I knew when it was time, they'd need someone there for them.
I did NOT say "I told you so". I DID say "I have been so afraid for you".

“bELieve”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#74225 Oct 9, 2012
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>So she needs a guy who is decent but not really emotionally available for a long term relationship until she gets her head straightened out, but one she can visit on weekends to get away from the Creep.

What about Jasper?
That's not nice or funny.

We're supposed to be supportive of JMW, our friend who is having a hard time with her transition, and offering real advice for how she can help her friend.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#74226 Oct 9, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
I don't automatically jump to the conclusion that he is violent.
We're men. We're either p whipped, like good little men should be, or we're evil, woman beating abusers.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#74227 Oct 9, 2012
NWmoon wrote:
<quoted text>Absolutely. The people I've helped (personally, not while I was volunteering at the shelter/on the hotline) I had to just stick it out, wouldn't let the guys drive me off. When they'd insult me, I'd just smile. And when my friends woke up and got them out, I was still there. Many of their other friends were not, but I knew when it was time, they'd need someone there for them.
I did NOT say "I told you so". I DID say "I have been so afraid for you".
One GF of mine was dating someone who had abused his ex-wife. My GF didn't know about it. I knew she probably wouldn't believe me, that her BF would say I was lying, etc. But I decided it was better to tell her the best I could bcuz if I didn't and she married him (they were speaking of marriage), I would always regret it.

Well she married him.

Two years later she landed in the hospital and almost died. She then divorced him.

She called me up and apologized. I said no apology needed. She didn't know, didn't realize at the time.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#74228 Oct 9, 2012
As for Sandusky, no sentence is long enough but the one he received is pretty good start.

I do believe he will have a horrific time in prison. I'm glad about that.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#74229 Oct 9, 2012
Jess in NJ wrote:
<quoted text>
That's not nice or funny.
We're supposed to be supportive of JMW, our friend who is having a hard time with her transition, and offering real advice for how she can help her friend.
Thanks Jess.

PEllen, I'm sure you were just trying to be funny, but that was a pretty messed up comment.

My friend A doesn't need a new man to rescue her from this... she needs to recognize her own self-worth and not put up with being treated poorly for another second.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#74230 Oct 9, 2012
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
So she needs a guy who is decent but not really emotionally available for a long term relationship until she gets her head straightened out, but one she can visit on weekends to get away from the Creep.
What about Jasper?
Is this a serious comment or is it supposed to be funny?

If its supposed to be funny, I don't get the joke. If its supposed to be serious, I think its a quite odd suggestion.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#74231 Oct 9, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
We're men. We're either p whipped, like good little men should be, or we're evil, woman beating abusers.
Only the unstable ones.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#74232 Oct 9, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
We're men. We're either p whipped, like good little men should be, or we're evil, woman beating abusers.
Yep, because there's no in between.*eye roll*

I think we've done a pretty good job keeping this conversation pro-man. We're just anti-that-guy. And guys like him. Out of my bazillion girlfriends, I can think of only 2 or 3 who have SO's who are real d-bags, and they're not even on the level of Jamwow's friend's boyfriend. On the reverse, if I saw a woman treat her man like shyte, I couldn't be supportive of that, either.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#74233 Oct 9, 2012
Just occured to me that THAT Pellen had no avatar and was not logged in. Probably a troll.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#74234 Oct 9, 2012
That might not have been PEllen but a faker.

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