Topix Chitown Regulars
Sam I Am

Schaumburg, IL

#74210 Oct 9, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
So my friend A came over to hang out and watch some of Monday Night Football, she just left.
On Saturday night, she was with her boyfriend and a guy she used to date texted her. It was pretty out of the blue because they would only ever exchange "hi, how are you" every few months or so. He said a bunch of stuff about wanting her back, etc. and her boyfriend had already made it clear that whenever she receives a text, he wants to know who it is and all that. So she showed him the text and her boyfriend ended up in a text conversation with this guy for an hour, taking screen shots and emailing them to himself, and then he deleted the conversation so she doesn't know what was said. THEN he made her log into Facebook and block this guy - they weren't even friends anymore but this prevents him from being able to contact her. I almost shit my pants, this sounded so scary. What should I do? For real? My friend S had a friend who had a controlling boyfriend and he ended up murdering her.
Wow, that is horrible. The bad thing is that you can't tell her she's making a mistake, but you can help her figure it out if you really want to but based on the fact that she told you all this, it is going to be pretty rough. A person with a healthy sense of self would be to ambarrassed to share that with you. Of course, a person with a healthy sense of self would not date someone like that in the first place. I would not go to her and say "Hey your bf is an a-hole," but the next time she tells you one of these stories, I would simply ask her if she thinks what her bf did is normal. The first thing she needs to realize is that it's not. From there you can take her to why does she put up with it and doesn't she think she deserves better. All that said, she's prly in it until he crosses some line that is well beyond what you or most other women would tolerate.
Sam I Am

Schaumburg, IL

#74211 Oct 9, 2012
So Jerry Sandusky got 30-60, which means that he'll spend the rest of his life in jail getting raped and smacked around on a daily basis. That sounds about right.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#74212 Oct 9, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
I am highly worried, and I agree that his behavior is far from normal.
He also told her that she could hang out with her friends during the week but that the weekends are his, and he's been finding reasons for her to go to his place for the weekend instead of vice versa. And he's pressuring her to get rid of her dog because he wants to be her number one priority. It sounds like a textbook abuser to me.
I talked to my friend S this morning (he's the big brother I never had) and told him what Angela said about turning the tables and asking A if I was telling her this stuff, would she want me to stay with someone like this. S really liked this, and he also said that I need to speak up because I could end up regretting it forever if I don't. Finally, he told me not to over-think this (which is my tendency) and just talk to her. I told him that last night, I was careful to control my reactions because I don't want to do or say anything that I'll regret, because the last thing I want to do is make A feel like she can't tell me things. The flow of information I'm getting is the only good thing about this situation.
Is this...the same friend with the guy she's been dating for only a month with all the Facebook status drama?

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#74213 Oct 9, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Not disagreeing with anyone, but its just interesting that since I have really not been around any violent people in my life, I don't automatically jump to the conclusion that he is violent. My initial reaction to all that's been said about him is that he is just an asshole. But you all are probably head on with your assessment that the situation could be scary.
In my entire life, I can think of only one person I knew that had a violent spouse/gf/bf. It was an aunt, and since I was never really exposed to it, its just not something that I easily consider.
I think, as females, we're kind of taught to look out for that kind of thing more than males would be. And the controlling is generally how it starts. It may never escalate to physical abuse, but generally physical abusers don't just out of the blue start decking their SO.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#74214 Oct 9, 2012
Matilda77 wrote:
<quoted text>
Is this...the same friend with the guy she's been dating for only a month with all the Facebook status drama?
Yes.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#74215 Oct 9, 2012
Matilda77 wrote:
<quoted text>
I think, as females, we're kind of taught to look out for that kind of thing more than males would be. And the controlling is generally how it starts. It may never escalate to physical abuse, but generally physical abusers don't just out of the blue start decking their SO.
That's why I think this sounds like a textbook abuser: controlling, trying to isolate her from her friends ("weekends are mine" and wants her to always go to him instead of him coming up here), makes threats. The level of intensity this early in the relationship freaks me out, too. I thought this stuff was usually a lot more gradual.

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#74216 Oct 9, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
That's why I think this sounds like a textbook abuser: controlling, trying to isolate her from her friends ("weekends are mine" and wants her to always go to him instead of him coming up here), makes threats. The level of intensity this early in the relationship freaks me out, too. I thought this stuff was usually a lot more gradual.
The smarter, craftier ones are more gradual about it.
This one is impatient, which (IME) usually means that when he does get physical, it won't be as minor an assault. The less impatient ones will start with more subtle things and by the time they actually strike the woman they've already gotten her conditioned by restraining, pushing/shoving and other smaller assaults.
I hope she gets out before she gets hurt.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#74217 Oct 9, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
That's why I think this sounds like a textbook abuser: controlling, trying to isolate her from her friends ("weekends are mine" and wants her to always go to him instead of him coming up here), makes threats. The level of intensity this early in the relationship freaks me out, too. I thought this stuff was usually a lot more gradual.
The dog thing gets me. I'm assuming she didn't adopt the dog in the last 30 days...so he knew she had one shortly after or even before dating her. I think I'd leave my marriage before I'd give up my dogs...

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#74218 Oct 9, 2012
At best, she ends up in a relationship like my MIL and step-FIL. He's never hit her, but he is controlling and verbally abusive.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#74219 Oct 9, 2012
Matilda77 wrote:
<quoted text>
The dog thing gets me. I'm assuming she didn't adopt the dog in the last 30 days...so he knew she had one shortly after or even before dating her. I think I'd leave my marriage before I'd give up my dogs...
She's had the dog for about 6 months, I think. TO be fair, she was thinking about giving the dog to her parents anyway, for a few different reasons, so she probably mentioned that to him and he latched onto it. But to get annoyed at someone's schedule and travel limitations because of their pet is ca-razy....

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#74220 Oct 9, 2012
Matilda77 wrote:
At best, she ends up in a relationship like my MIL and step-FIL. He's never hit her, but he is controlling and verbally abusive.
I have reason to believe that this guy will hit my friend. He hasn't yet, that I know of, but I do think that's where this is leading.
:(

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#74221 Oct 9, 2012
HA!
(chill bro, peeps will start to talk...)
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Rush is awesome!

“bELieve”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#74222 Oct 9, 2012
NWmoon wrote:
<quoted text>The smarter, craftier ones are more gradual about it.
This one is impatient, which (IME) usually means that when he does get physical, it won't be as minor an assault. The less impatient ones will start with more subtle things and by the time they actually strike the woman they've already gotten her conditioned by restraining, pushing/shoving and other smaller assaults.
I hope she gets out before she gets hurt.
That's what makes it so scary - that he is rushing things and she is telling her friends, but not ending the relationship.

I know we have talked about this book on here before, but she might recognize her relationship if she reads the book The Gift Of Fear and that may give her the confidence to leave.

Realistically, though, if she has already established a pattern of unhealthy relationships, there is not much that anyone can do other than be there for support when/if she finally decides to leave. Wouldn't you agree?
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#74223 Oct 9, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
I have reason to believe that this guy will hit my friend. He hasn't yet, that I know of, but I do think that's where this is leading.
:(
So she needs a guy who is decent but not really emotionally available for a long term relationship until she gets her head straightened out, but one she can visit on weekends to get away from the Creep.

What about Jasper?

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#74224 Oct 9, 2012
Jess in NJ wrote:
<quoted text>
That's what makes it so scary - that he is rushing things and she is telling her friends, but not ending the relationship.
I know we have talked about this book on here before, but she might recognize her relationship if she reads the book The Gift Of Fear and that may give her the confidence to leave.
Realistically, though, if she has already established a pattern of unhealthy relationships, there is not much that anyone can do other than be there for support when/if she finally decides to leave. Wouldn't you agree?
Absolutely. The people I've helped (personally, not while I was volunteering at the shelter/on the hotline) I had to just stick it out, wouldn't let the guys drive me off. When they'd insult me, I'd just smile. And when my friends woke up and got them out, I was still there. Many of their other friends were not, but I knew when it was time, they'd need someone there for them.
I did NOT say "I told you so". I DID say "I have been so afraid for you".

“bELieve”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#74225 Oct 9, 2012
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>So she needs a guy who is decent but not really emotionally available for a long term relationship until she gets her head straightened out, but one she can visit on weekends to get away from the Creep.

What about Jasper?
That's not nice or funny.

We're supposed to be supportive of JMW, our friend who is having a hard time with her transition, and offering real advice for how she can help her friend.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#74226 Oct 9, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
I don't automatically jump to the conclusion that he is violent.
We're men. We're either p whipped, like good little men should be, or we're evil, woman beating abusers.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#74227 Oct 9, 2012
NWmoon wrote:
<quoted text>Absolutely. The people I've helped (personally, not while I was volunteering at the shelter/on the hotline) I had to just stick it out, wouldn't let the guys drive me off. When they'd insult me, I'd just smile. And when my friends woke up and got them out, I was still there. Many of their other friends were not, but I knew when it was time, they'd need someone there for them.
I did NOT say "I told you so". I DID say "I have been so afraid for you".
One GF of mine was dating someone who had abused his ex-wife. My GF didn't know about it. I knew she probably wouldn't believe me, that her BF would say I was lying, etc. But I decided it was better to tell her the best I could bcuz if I didn't and she married him (they were speaking of marriage), I would always regret it.

Well she married him.

Two years later she landed in the hospital and almost died. She then divorced him.

She called me up and apologized. I said no apology needed. She didn't know, didn't realize at the time.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#74228 Oct 9, 2012
As for Sandusky, no sentence is long enough but the one he received is pretty good start.

I do believe he will have a horrific time in prison. I'm glad about that.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#74229 Oct 9, 2012
Jess in NJ wrote:
<quoted text>
That's not nice or funny.
We're supposed to be supportive of JMW, our friend who is having a hard time with her transition, and offering real advice for how she can help her friend.
Thanks Jess.

PEllen, I'm sure you were just trying to be funny, but that was a pretty messed up comment.

My friend A doesn't need a new man to rescue her from this... she needs to recognize her own self-worth and not put up with being treated poorly for another second.

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