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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Jan 13, 2014
DEAR AMY: I've been married to my wife for nearly 30 years; we've had our share of the usual problems.

I believe she had an affair with a friend of ours about 15 years ago. I've asked her about it a couple of times and she has denied it, but I have this feeling that she isn't being truthful.

I can't seem to let it go, and I continually think about it. There is a company near here that does a polygraph test to prove infidelity. Do you think I should ask her to take the test to prove her innocence and help me to overcome my doubts?

I don't know how else to stop thinking about it. Throughout our marriage I have always been faithful, and to think of her having an affair with a "friend" and lying to me about it really bothers me. Thanks for whatever advice you may offer.-- Conflicted

DEAR CONFLICTED: You say this polygraph test is given to prove infidelity, and yet you also say that you want your wife to submit to it to prove her innocence. I get the distinct feeling that you would feel more relief if the test proved your wife's guilt because then it would confirm this nagging feeling you have harbored for half of your married life.

Before pressuring your wife to strap on the electrodes, you really must talk about it (preferably with a marriage counselor). Among questions you should try to answer in advance are: If this test shows her innocence, will you fully accept this result, or will you think the test is flawed? If your wife is shown innocent, how will the humiliation of having to prove it impact her feelings toward you and about your marriage? If the test result indicates guilt, what happens next?

DEAR AMY: We have friends who like to bring their dog everywhere with them, including places the dog has not been invited. Their method is to call when they're almost at their destination and ask the host, "Oh, we have 'Rex' with us, is that OK?"

Amy, I love dogs as much as the next person (and I do have dogs, by the way), but I think this is rude. These friends think nothing of bringing the dog to a party at someone else's house, without even checking to see whether someone there is allergic to dogs, afraid of dogs, etc.

From talking to friends, I find this is by no means an isolated problem. Many people seem to have at least one friend who thinks nothing of showing up with a dog in tow. We're not talking about assistance dogs -- we're talking about plain old pets.

Any advice for how to head this off at the pass?-- Dogged Out

DEAR DOGGED: If these friends call you from their car as they pull into your driveway and say, "We have Rex with us, is that OK?" you need only say, "Oh, that's not going to work for us tonight. I'm so sorry."

You do not supply any excuses, rationale, solutions, etc. You simply answer their query and then endure some empty space while they figure out what to do. If they offer a quick solution that works for you, then great.

Also, you should probably not refer to pets as "plain old pets." As with children who are not necessarily welcome at every adult gathering, so pets must sometimes be left at home. But a beloved animal never seems like a "plain old pet" to the human who loves it.

DEAR AMY: "Broken-hearted Father wrote about his grad-school daughter who was depressed after a breakup. I don't always agree with your responses, but I did this time.

Years ago I was also a grad student, depressed over the breakup of my first serious relationship. My father and mother were very compassionate and patient with me, and I slowly recovered (with their help and support).-- Happy Now

DEAR HAPPY: I thought this particular daughter was lucky to have such a compassionate and loving dad in her corner.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#2 Jan 13, 2014
1 Dude, either light up or leave her alone.

2 Your friends are morons. I see this more and more ofter, especially gay men. I dont understand why businesses tolerate it.

3 Therapy? Over breaking up with your first love? In your 20's? Your parents failed to prepare you for life.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#3 Jan 13, 2014
LW1 - Oh, boy - would I LOVE to be married to you.
LW2 - Most of the time I would rather my friends bring their dogs and not their children.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#4 Jan 13, 2014
RACE wrote:
I dont understand why businesses tolerate it.
Isn't it obvious? Money. They don't want to turn potential dollars away at the door. How many people do you think will stop shopping st a store because they see someone with a dog? I'm guessing not many.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#5 Jan 13, 2014
1- dam dude, you've been hanging onto this for fifteen years? Counseling.

2- you shouldn't bring your pet to someone else's home unless they give you the okay first. It's rude.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#6 Jan 13, 2014
L1: divorce. The trust is gone. Even if she passes the LD test with flying colors, I don't think you would accept the outcome.
L2: I like Amy's response.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#7 Jan 13, 2014
L2: Is it cool if I haul my dogs around in Baby Bjorns?

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#8 Jan 13, 2014
LW1: LMAO. Good luck with that. Let it go.

LW2: It is rude, but just figure that if you invite them they are bringing the dog and decide if you want to invite them.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#9 Jan 13, 2014
LW1: I'm with Red; I don't think you'd believe the test even if she passed it. Let her go so she can go on with her life and find someone who trusts her.

Oh, and methinks this gentleman doth protest too much.

LW2: Amy's reponse to the actual question was fine. Her "lesson" on termonology on the other hand, was uncalled for. The LW was simply trying to make a distiction between pet and service animal. And imo, someone who gets their panties in a wad over their pet being called a pet has a problem.

LW3: Bleck

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#10 Jan 13, 2014
Matilda77 wrote:
L2: Is it cool if I haul my dogs around in Baby Bjorns?
What? No stroller?
Blunt Advice

Suffern, NY

#11 Jan 13, 2014
1. Polygraph test? You have some inner control issues. Counseling.
2. If someone brought a dog to my house one cat would be ok with it, the other would get nasty and spiteful (ie not use litterbox). Leave the dog home. Get a neighbor to feed it or walk it if its an all day trip.
3. Hooray for you and the other 99% of the world who ever broke up with the first person they dated and moved on.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#12 Jan 13, 2014
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
What? No stroller?
Attachment dog parenting.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#13 Jan 13, 2014
Matilda77 wrote:
L2: Is it cool if I haul my dogs around in Baby Bjorns?
(The icons aren't working for me today, so) Hah!

I rather expect Really Gloria to pop in on this one.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#14 Jan 13, 2014
LW 1. There are some other ways to spin this, dude.

Try being pleased your wife is/was hot enough that some other guy wanted to tap her. Do you still see that in her ? Do you tell her she's still hot? Bet not.

Which leads to spin number 2:

Attitudes like this are not confined to just you stewing on it mentally. It shows up other ways even if you are not aware of it. With your suspicions, your refusal to acetate her word and your fixating on it for 15 years, if it turns out she did have an affair, the sympathy could well be with her, not you.

If you can't ever do anything right, people tend to stop trying at all.

Stew on that

Cue the music, "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife...."

LW2. If you want people to leave their doggie children at home , do what I did.

Get cats.

Problem solved.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#15 Jan 13, 2014
L1: He's probably cheated at some point. He's too fixated on this.

L2: I'd do what Amy said.

L3: Okay then.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#16 Jan 13, 2014
LW1: Dude, rarely does everyone on this forum agree on something. We all agree that you have issues and need to let this go. If you ask your wife of 30 years to take a polygraph test for something that you think she did 15 years ago, you will accomplish nothing other than a huge argument. Get counseling now.

LW2: Don't invite these people anywhere. Let them stay home with their dog.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#17 Jan 13, 2014
LW2: Just tell them that no dogs are permitted when you first invite them. Seems stupid to have to tell someone this, but they are obviously stupid. Or don't invite them. If they find out and ask why, jsut tell them you weren't able to accomodate their pet.

I am so tired of seeing dogs at teh grocery store. These 2 ladies had THREE dogs in there a few weeks ago! THREE DOGS! All little things.

I need to get a big, drooly St. Bernard and bring him everywhere.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#18 Jan 13, 2014
Toj wrote:
L1: He's probably cheated at some point. He's too fixated on this.
I think you have an excellent point.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#19 Jan 13, 2014
Stina2 wrote:
I need to get a big, drooly St. Bernard and bring him everywhere.
He's not going to fit in a Baby Bjorn.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#20 Jan 13, 2014
Stina2 wrote:
LW2: Just tell them that no dogs are permitted when you first invite them. Seems stupid to have to tell someone this, but they are obviously stupid. Or don't invite them. If they find out and ask why, jsut tell them you weren't able to accomodate their pet.
I am so tired of seeing dogs at teh grocery store. These 2 ladies had THREE dogs in there a few weeks ago! THREE DOGS! All little things.
I need to get a big, drooly St. Bernard and bring him everywhere.
One of my friends saw somebody at one of the giant home improvement stores with their dog, so she decided she needed to bring her pugs there. Yeah, there's nothing dangerous for dogs at those stores...

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