“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Apr 5, 2014
DEAR ABBY: I'm 15. Yesterday, they told our class that one of my friend's parents had died suddenly. Every single person in our grade cried, except for me. I felt bad about not crying for my friend's loss, but I just didn't.

Another friend told me that last night people were texting, and it had been mentioned several times that I wasn't crying and that it looked like I didn't care, even though I do. I feel bad about not crying, but I don't want to lie and say that I did. Please help me.-- DRY-EYED IN COLORADO

DEAR DRY-EYED: If you feel that any explanation is called for, simply say that when you heard the news you were so stunned that you couldn't cry. Your reaction is very common. When bad news is conveyed, some people are just struck numb. Believe me, not everyone who can cry on command is necessarily grieving.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Chico," and I have been going together for six years. We have discussed marriage, but for the past few months he has become distant and not as loving as he once was. Chico is the dependent type who often needs to be reminded by his parents or me about things he needs to do.

When I asked Chico what was going on, he said he is confused and he thinks he relies too much on his parents and me for direction.

He said he didn't want to break up, but he would like some time alone. He assured me there is no one else involved and he wants to continue talking on the phone to me once in a while.

I don't know what to do! Should I believe what he is saying about needing time, or do you think this is Chico's way of telling me it's over?-- HEARTBROKEN IN HOBOKEN

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Frankly, I think Chico is trying to break it to you gently that it's over. Wish him well and let him go.

You probably meant well, but the problem with giving someone "directions" is, it prevents that person's own compass from guiding him where he needs to go. Look at it this way: This may be a period of growth for Chico and for you as well.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating someone over the last two years and our relationship has had a lot of ups and downs. We are in our 50s and we have both been married before.

The problem is, he thinks he always has to be right. He'll never admit to being wrong. We love each other and spend most of our time together, but every time we have an argument, he calls our relationship off. I am always the one who calls to patch things up. Should I let this relationship go once and for all?-- TIRED OF THE DRAMA IN ATLANTA

DEAR TIRED OF THE DRAMA: Yes, I think so. Your gentleman friend has an unhealthy way of dealing with conflict. Unless your idea of a happy marriage is one in which you are always the peacemaker, I doubt it would last.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#2 Apr 5, 2014
1- Honey, nobody is talking about you. Nobody cares. Nobody noticed whether or not you were crying. Cry me a river and get over yourself.

2- Chico wants some dam space! Get off his grill! No, I don't believe he wants to break up with you, he just wants out of your clingy shadow and his own time in the sun.

3- How do we know YOU aren't the one who's wrong? You're probably arguing with him about the effects of global warming, or claiming marriage is a "right," or saying how wonderful Obamacare is. But no, let's just bash the man

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

#3 Apr 5, 2014
1. No one cares, get over yourself.

2. Neither one of you is mature enough to have a relationship.

3. I like what Carolyn Hax said about someone always having to be right:

"....The need to be right all the time is fatal to intimacy, and therefore to relationships worth counting on for more than a casual cup of coffee.

That’s because his being right all the time means you have to be wrong. We can stop right there: It’s just hard, arguably impossible, to find contentment with someone who makes sure your views and feelings are never validated. Maybe it merely frustrates you now, but over time it will either break you or send you to lawyers.

For the sake of argument, though, let’s not stop there: His having to be right all the time also means he’s comfortable with finding fault in you to feel better about himself. It means he’s not comfortable with, or capable of, or ready for, the vulnerability that comes with recognizing when he’s wrong. It means he lacks the emotional strength to subordinate himself to you on a point-by-point basis, as a logical element of treating someone as his equal.

Without these, there is a hard limit to the intimacy he can offer, because we can’t be fully honest with anyone without being fully honest with ourselves about our flaws. Without that there’s always a piece being held back, the piece preserving the image of infallibility.

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

#4 Apr 5, 2014
Carolyn Hax continued:

I should say, illusion, of course. We’re all wrong — some of us more than others, but all of us within a general range I’ll call “a lot.” And it is a keystone of maturity to be able to say not just the facile,“Everyone makes mistakes,” but a humble,“I made X mistake.” As in,“I was a real jerk when I assumed ____ about you,” or,“I never looked at it that way before, thanks for calling me on it,” or,“I admit, I was only thinking of myself when I did ____— I didn’t consider your feelings.”

Unless and until he does this with you, he is not ready to be anyone’s intimate partner. I hope it’s just a matter of his youth and/or inexperience, for his sake especially, because, yes, being with Mr./Ms. Always Right is lonely — but it barely grazes the loneliness of being like that.

And I hope that when someone who obviously cares about him — i.e., you — expresses heartfelt, general concern for his refusal to admit fault and its cost to you personally, and supports this concern gently with specific examples, he will be ready to internalize this important message and grow from it.

You have to be ready for him not to be, though. And, therefore, you need to be ready to recognize that feeling “trampled” is the sensation you get when respect isn’t flowing both ways — and when it’s therefore time to go."

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#5 Apr 5, 2014
Hax usually gets it right.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#6 Apr 5, 2014
1: STOP. I teach 13-15 and trust me, EVERYONE in the grade would not be crying. Does the grade consist of 5 girls only? Please. I think she means her small inner circle. No way most guys would cry over hearing a classmate's parent's death.

2: Chico is an infant and you are for dating a man-boy for 6 years and trying to be his mommy, waiting on that ring and ignoring flags that this isn't the way a good marriage should start.
Just work on finish high school....

3: Gah! You're in your 50's! Life is moving on and wrapping up.....and you feel it's best to ride it out in the sunset with someone who is always right and with whom you must call and patch up? Grow the eff up and LIVE in happiness, be it with someone or yourself.

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

#7 Apr 5, 2014
PEllen wrote:
Hax usually gets it right.
Very true.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#8 Apr 5, 2014
Not sure if LW1 is real.

Glance into the future for LW2:

Rather than pressure Chico into a marriage he doesn't seem comfortable with, LW2:
(a) decided to spend some time away from Chico
(b) told him that his wanting some time alone might be good--and filled
that gap with activities that would help her career advancement.
(c) let him go for a while and began going to movies/lunch with other
men--and didn't miss him.
or
(d) other
Julie

Chicago, IL

#9 Apr 5, 2014
LW2: So, your boyfriend of 6 years, Chico, now just wants to talk to you on the phone "once in a while."

Jeebus, lady, How Dumb Are You? He found someone else. IT'S OVER.

To answer the question above: YOU ARE DUMBER THAN A BOX OF ROCKS. I sincerely hope--for the planet's sake--that you never breed.
Cass

Claremont, CA

#10 Apr 5, 2014
LW1 - Nobody cares.

LW2 - I hope Abby made up the nickname Chico. Please let it not be real. More to the point, though, the guy doesn't want to get married. And I, for the life of me, do not understand why you want to marry somebody who constantly needs to be reminded by his GF or his Mom what he needs to do. What is he, 13?

LW3 - Dump him.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#11 Apr 6, 2014
Cass wrote:
LW2 - I hope Abby made up the nickname Chico. Please let it not be real..
Ha! I thought the same thing!!
I have a stuffed monkey I named Chico when I was 10.

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