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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jan 9, 2013
DEAR ABBY: My husband is now involved in his third computer affair. He's a teacher, and his first one was with a student. He was almost fired over it. He apologized to me and to his supervisor, said it was an "error in judgment" and promised it would never happen again.

Last week I found an email he had sent to another former student, and the things he said to her were disgusting. The current one is a student, too.

I have a nice home and my husband is good to me except for his wandering eye. He gives me anything I want and takes me with him whenever he travels. But he is a Jekyll and Hyde when it comes to a computer and young girls -- all younger than his daughter, I might add.

I know if this gets back to his boss he'll be fired. He's a brilliant man and an excellent teacher. So what do I do? I have considered doing nothing, and if he gets caught let him suffer the consequences. Or, I can confront him and try to get him to see a counselor before he ruins his career, and makes me a laughingstock of the community.

We're financially comfortable and I hate to give it up, but I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, either. Any suggestions would be appreciated.-- NOT LAUGHING IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR NOT LAUGHING: Your husband has a serious problem. He is playing Russian roulette with his career -- and it's only a matter of time until he acts inappropriately with the wrong student.

If you love him at all, confront him and insist that he talk to a counselor and learn to strengthen his impulse control. When his activities become public knowledge, as is sure to happen, you won't be the laughingstock of the community, but your husband will be scorned and jobless. If you want to protect your lifestyle as well as your husband's female students, insist he get professional help now.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a divorced "empty nester" who would like to meet a nice man to spend time with. I'm attractive, slim and active.

A year and a half ago I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. I have excellent medical care and my doctor is optimistic. She told me she has treated many women who have survived 10 years and are still doing fine. I intend to do everything in my power to be one of those women.

I have tried meeting men on the Internet or through groups I belong to. I explain on the first date about my health issues because I don't want anyone to think I'm dishonest. Unfortunately, several men I would have liked to see again told me flat-out that they "can't deal with the cancer thing."

I don't want to spend the rest of my life -- however long it may be -- alone. Should I wait to tell a man about my illness until we've seen each other a few times? Or should I continue as I have, and hope I eventually find someone with enough compassion willing to take the chance?-- HEALTHY NOW IN WISCONSIN

DEAR HEALTHY NOW: Compassion? How about someone intelligent enough to grasp that nobody has a guarantee about how long someone will live -- including him? The appropriate time to discuss your medical history is after you have gotten to know someone well enough that you can talk frankly about it, and the relationship is beyond casual. First dates do not fall into that category.

No man who cares about you would ever walk away. And any man who would isn't worth having, so consider yourself lucky.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#2 Jan 9, 2013
1- Your husband is a predator. He has no business teaching.

2- Never tell your life story on a first date.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Jan 9, 2013
LW1: Big detail missing. Is he a HS teacher or college teacher. Makes a big difference. Is he a pedophile in the making or just someone crossing the line to impropriety? I'm guessing he must be a college teacher cause I can't imagine he would still have his job if the student in question was a minor.

That being said, I'm bothered by her worry about "being the laughingstock of the community". I am always annoyed by people who place a big value on what outsiders think. As far as hubby's actions, on the plus side, he has not had sex with them(that you know of). Not to excuse his behavior, but the fact that he is carrying on like this indicates he is bored at home. Can that be changed? Are you willing to work on it with him? Do you think he can change? If so, make a go at it. If not, cut your losses.

"If you want to protect your lifestyle as well as your husband's female students, insist he get professional help now."

If we are talking about children, then yes. But if he is a college teacher, what exactly do they need to be protected from? These would be adults carrying on with him of their own volition.

LW2: "No man who cares about you would ever walk away."

Just to deflect the man bashing, no man who is on a first date with you has known you long enough to care about you.

Have we talked about this here before or was this an IRL conversation I had elsewhere? If I met a girl who, for instance, was wheel chair bound, I would never even think to ask her on a date. The wheel chair thing would automatically eliminate her from my consideration and prevent the thought from even entering my head. However, it would be quite a different story if someone I already cared about and had a relationship with, such as my wife, was in an accident and lost her legs. I would certainly not dump her because of that.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 Jan 9, 2013
L1: He doesn't have a wandering eye -- he has a wandering penis. Can you live with it or can't you?

By the way, "young girls"? Watch your language and attitude. They aren't 12-year-old girls b eing victimized, they are ADULTS making their own stupid choices.

L2: Don't tell them on the first date. I don't know when, but not then.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#5 Jan 9, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
Have we talked about this here before or was this an IRL conversation I had elsewhere? If I met a girl who, for instance, was wheel chair bound, I would never even think to ask her on a date. The wheel chair thing would automatically eliminate her from my consideration and prevent the thought from even entering my head. However, it would be quite a different story if someone I already cared about and had a relationship with, such as my wife, was in an accident and lost her legs. I would certainly not dump her because of that.
I wouldn't let a wheelchair keep me from dating a guy -- including asking him out -- but I'd be concerned about teh penis not working.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#6 Jan 9, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
By the way, "young girls"? Watch your language and attitude. They aren't 12-year-old girls b eing victimized, they are ADULTS making their own stupid choices.
A little presumptuous, dontcha think? Assuming it is some 60 yo college professor chasing after 18 yo girls, would that be any more acceptable?

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#7 Jan 9, 2013
LW1: You sound like a child yourself with this:
He gives me anything I want and takes me with him whenever he travels
Um, you are his spouse. He doesnít give you ďanything.Ē Half of everything is yours. I bet you are one of these women who never planned to support yourself and found a man to latch onto and take care of you. All I can say is that is what you deserve. When you set yourself up to rely on a man and canít support yourself, if he turns out to be a not so nice man, your ability to leave is compromised.
Itís likely just a matter of time until he leaves you anyway or gets caught and loses his career and thus any income that you rely uponÖ

LW2: Wait a few dates. Itís just not necessary on the first date and it is kind of a buzz kill for the whole night.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#8 Jan 9, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
A little presumptuous, dontcha think? Assuming it is some 60 yo college professor chasing after 18 yo girls, would that be any more acceptable?
If the students are adults, they are making their own choices. So long as he isn't forcing or coercing young women to do anything, they have only themselves to blame when they sleep with a professor.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#9 Jan 9, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
LW2: "No man who cares about you would ever walk away."
Just to deflect the man bashing, no man who is on a first date with you has known you long enough to care about you.
Before Abby said that, she said this:

The appropriate time to discuss your medical history is after you have gotten to know someone well enough that you can talk frankly about it, and the relationship is beyond casual.

So when she subsequently says:

"No man who cares about you would ever walk away."

she means after the man has gotten to know the woman.

I happen to agree. If I liked a woman, had feelings for her, and had gotten to know her, I would not end a relationship just because she previously had cancer.

However, if she starts going on about her cancer on her first date, I would think she was kind of clueless, which is a turn off. It also is kind of a buzz kill as I mentioned before.
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#10 Jan 9, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
A little presumptuous, dontcha think? Assuming it is some 60 yo college professor chasing after 18 yo girls, would that be any more acceptable?
Not really, but it would not be illegal.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#11 Jan 9, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
However, if she starts going on about her cancer on her first date, I would think she was kind of clueless, which is a turn off. It also is kind of a buzz kill as I mentioned before.
Yeah, it's an overshare that ruins everything. Like telling your date about your crazy violent ex, the abortion you had in college, how abusive your parents were, whatever. Keep it all sane, folks.
ChicagolandChica

United States

#12 Jan 9, 2013
@Mister Tonka -- "Teacher" generally means HS or lower; once you get to higher ed they tend to be referred to as professors.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#13 Jan 9, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
Before Abby said that, she said this:
The appropriate time to discuss your medical history is after you have gotten to know someone well enough that you can talk frankly about it, and the relationship is beyond casual.
So when she subsequently says:
"No man who cares about you would ever walk away."
she means after the man has gotten to know the woman.
I happen to agree. If I liked a woman, had feelings for her, and had gotten to know her, I would not end a relationship just because she previously had cancer.
However, if she starts going on about her cancer on her first date, I would think she was kind of clueless, which is a turn off. It also is kind of a buzz kill as I mentioned before.
Back up a minute. Am I mistaken, or aren't you the guy who said lay all your cards on the table on date one. If you got kids, say so right away. But you're saying its ok to hold back on the life threatening disease disclosure?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#14 Jan 9, 2013
ChicagolandChica wrote:
@Mister Tonka -- "Teacher" generally means HS or lower; once you get to higher ed they tend to be referred to as professors.
??? Is it your contention that every "teacher" in college is referred to as a professor? I've never heard of such a thing. I certainly did not refer to all my teachers / instructors as "professor". Isn't that a title earned by advanced degree or research? Similar to doctor?
pde

Palatine, IL

#15 Jan 9, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>??? Is it your contention that every "teacher" in college is referred to as a professor? I've never heard of such a thing. I certainly did not refer to all my teachers / instructors as "professor". Isn't that a title earned by advanced degree or research? Similar to doctor?
It's more about the position held within the university. A title which includes "professor", you call them professor. Otherwise, it's Mr., Mrs., or Miss Whatever-their-last-name-is.

(Unless they ask the class to call them by first name. A lot of my TAs/non-professor teachers in both undergrad and grad school just had us call them by first name.)

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#16 Jan 9, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Back up a minute. Am I mistaken, or aren't you the guy who said lay all your cards on the table on date one. If you got kids, say so right away. But you're saying its ok to hold back on the life threatening disease disclosure?
You'll have to show me where I said lay all your cards on the table on the first date. I don't believe I ever said that.

I don't think there are bright-line rules, but certain things certainly should be disclosed, including, but not limited to:

1: I used to be a man;

2: I used to be a woman;

3: I have kids (to me it's not so much about being open ... it's just that I would honestly think that would naturally come up if I spent an evening with a woman ... not that I would want to focus on it or go on and on about my kids ... I would question how good of a mother she is if she didn't mention them at all ... I don't think you should be ashamed of having kids or hide them like they are some dirty secret);

4: I'm a professional porn actor; and

5: I'm currently married.

Cancer can wait date at least date two. Not saying you should spring it on the guy on date 5.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#17 Jan 9, 2013
LW1: I love it that she's more concerned about her lifestyle than her marriage. I think that if he could continue doing this without repercussions, she would not give a flying f*ck. As long as she could still buy her Kate Spade bags.

LW2: On the first date is WAY too early. Get to know the guy; if you think it could be going somewhere, that's when you start telling him about your medical past (and possible future).

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#18 Jan 9, 2013
L1: If it's been 20 years or more, you'll get half of everything including the pension. If it was me I wouldn't have stayed married after the first incident most likely. Then again, I don't expect or need someone to provide me with a comfortable life. It would be nice but I have no problem pursuing that for myself.

L2: For this LW, there is more issues than just cancer. Who in their right mind would say anything that person on a first date?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#19 Jan 9, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>Not really, but it would not be illegal.
The issue isn't about legally.

And I'll agree, "teacher" isn't normally a term used to describe a college professor.
pde

Palatine, IL

#20 Jan 9, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Back up a minute. Am I mistaken, or aren't you the guy who said lay all your cards on the table on date one. If you got kids, say so right away. But you're saying its ok to hold back on the life threatening disease disclosure?
We perhaps should be looking at this as more of a question as to when it's appropriate to disclose any chronic disease (rather than when to disclose cancer) since a lot of modern treatments are turning cancer into more of a chronic disease with maintenance drugs than the life-threatening "cure or die" type disease it was in the past.

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