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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Jan 23, 2013
 
DEAR ABBY: I am 21 and I have an anger problem. Sometimes when my friends, roommates or my boyfriend do something that annoys me, I feel so mad that I can't concentrate on anything I have to get done.

I'm having that problem right now because one of my roommates was mean to me tonight. I think I'm owed an apology, but I know I won't be getting one. I can't talk to her. I know if I do I'll just feel worse and we won't get anywhere. I can't even concentrate on writing my paper because I'm so ticked off!

Is it normal to get this mad? How can I control my anger better? Taking a deep breath and counting to 10 just makes me feel angrier. I'd feel better if I punched the wall, but the last time I did that I bruised my fist. Do you have any guidelines?-- CONSUMED BY ANGER IN HERNDON, VA.

DEAR CONSUMED BY ANGER: Anger is a normal emotion. Everybody has experienced it at one time or another. Most people have been trained to suppress anger from early childhood. But it's even more important to learn to express anger in ways that are constructive rather than destructive. Punching a wall falls into the latter category and can result in injury to you and possibly the wall, as you found out.

If it is channeled in the right direction, anger can be a positive emotion. Uncontrolled, or suppressed, it can be extremely harmful and even a killer. The challenge that everyone faces is how not to deny the feeling but to express the anger -- or diffuse it -- in ways that are productive.

In a situation like yours, saying out loud in a controlled manner that something has made you angry can be like releasing steam from a pressure cooker. It's certainly more productive than making a bullying gesture; hitting a wall with your fist implies that the next punch might land on the person who pushed your buttons. In my booklet "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It," I offer many suggestions that can help you manage your emotions in a more constructive way. It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus a check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby -- Shipping and handling are included in the price. Please understand how important it is that you learn to manage and channel your emotions more constructively than you currently do.

Step one in managing your anger is to recognize that the emotion is building before you lose control or become so angry that you can't concentrate on what is most important right now -- and that is your academic studies. I know that if you learn to manage and control your anger, you will benefit greatly as you move forward in life. I have faith in you!

DEAR ABBY: If a couple has been dating for a long time and are sexually active, do you think he has a right to have sex with her while she's sleeping? My sister and I disagree about this. I feel it's abuse. My sister isn't quite sure what to think.-- CATHY IN KINGSTON, N.Y.

DEAR CATHY: If someone has sex with you without your consent, it isn't abuse. It is rape.

P.S. If the boyfriend in question is so inept at lovemaking that his partner snores right through it, then it seems to me that only the boyfriend is sexually "active."

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#2
Jan 23, 2013
 

Judged:

1

1

1 Self serving PSA. You really need that $7 Amby?

2 Nice man bashing Amby, but in case it was lost on you, the girls were the ones getting the funk on, and the guys were asleep. Still rape?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#3
Jan 23, 2013
 

Judged:

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LW1: "Do you have any guidelines?"
Yeah. Break up with your boy friend and go find a place to live by yourself, psycho.

LW2: "do you think he has a right to have sex with her while she's sleeping?"
He must have tic tac pecker if sticking it in does not wake her up.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#4
Jan 23, 2013
 

Judged:

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Crap! glossed right over that part.

Still, If you wake up and your GF is riding your snake, are you being raped?
Mister Tonka wrote:
LW1: "Do you have any guidelines?"

LW2: "do you think he has a right to have sex with her while she's sleeping?"

Since: Jan 10

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#5
Jan 23, 2013
 

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L1: You need therapy.

L2: I agree with Dan Savage's opinion on this: Once you're sexually active with someone, then unless you say otherwise, you're granting that person permission to try to get nookie in the middle of the night.

Now, whomever sleeps through that, well... I'm thinking the sex can't be very good. Is it in yet?

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#6
Jan 23, 2013
 

Judged:

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LW1: Communicate. If someone has upset me, I would let them know. You sound like you just internalize it and stew over it.

LW2: I don't know how a woman could sleep through that, but it all depends on whether the woman who he is having sex with is okay with him doing that while she sleeps.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#7
Jan 23, 2013
 
2- if your partner sleeps through sex, you can't be very good! I think it's a little over-zealous to consider it "r@pe" though. If you drug some girl at a party, then yeah, but if you're in a committed relationship with someone and they happen to be a heavy sleeper, not saying it's appropriate, but it's not on the level of a r@pe.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#8
Jan 23, 2013
 
LW1: Go buy a punching bag, not Abby stupid book.

LW2: Unless you were really drunk or stoned, how on earth could you sleep through someone trying to have sex with you?

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#9
Jan 23, 2013
 
<facepalm>

Okay, I'm completely writing off L1 as a sales pitch.

L2: I agree with you guys (and Dan Savage). As an aside, I think it's creepy that someone would WANT to have sex with an unconscious person. Wake him/her up first, THEN have sex.
Sam I Am

Huntingdon, TN

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#10
Jan 23, 2013
 
1. Someone needs to a) learn how to discuss things constructively and b) find a constructive outlet for your aggression. When you get all wound up, go for a run or lift weights or find a boxing gym. Then try talking about it once you've blown off some steam.

2. My bf and I have standing permission to "wake" each other up.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#11
Jan 23, 2013
 
L1: Maybe you need a little weed or prozac or something. I don't see this person buying and reading a book/pamphlet.

L2: Sometimes size does matter.:)

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#12
Jan 23, 2013
 
j_m_w wrote:
As an aside, I think it's creepy that someone would WANT to have sex with an unconscious person.
Don't be so judgemental. What might seem creepy to you, could be kinky for someone else. Try new things, shake things up a bit!

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#13
Jan 23, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Don't be so judgemental. What might seem creepy to you, could be kinky for someone else. Try new things, shake things up a bit!
What is the difference between a JewishAmericanPrincess and a bowl of jello?

When you poke jello, it wiggles.

You been dating J.A.P.'s now?

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#14
Jan 23, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Don't be so judgemental. What might seem creepy to you, could be kinky for someone else. Try new things, shake things up a bit!
On this matter, I'm judgmental and proud of it!
;P

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

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#15
Jan 23, 2013
 
Sam I Am wrote:
1. Someone needs to a) learn how to discuss things constructively and b) find a constructive outlet for your aggression. When you get all wound up, go for a run or lift weights or find a boxing gym. Then try talking about it once you've blown off some steam.
2. My bf and I have standing permission to "wake" each other up.
Waking someone up is one thing, going at it while one's snoring is somethign else...

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#16
Jan 23, 2013
 
Maybe the guy finishes before she is fully awake?
Aisle Sitter wrote:
<quoted text>
Waking someone up is one thing, going at it while one's snoring is somethign else...

Since: Jan 10

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#17
Jan 23, 2013
 

Judged:

1

I think "having sex wtih someone while they're sleeping" is misleading. It's more likely that while she's sleeping, he's fondling her genitals, maybe kissing her shoulder or neck or breasts, hoping to wake her up in a fun way, and these women in the letter call that "having sex with someone while they're sleeping."
Sam I Am

Huntingdon, TN

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#18
Jan 23, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
I think "having sex wtih someone while they're sleeping" is misleading. It's more likely that while she's sleeping, he's fondling her genitals, maybe kissing her shoulder or neck or breasts, hoping to wake her up in a fun way, and these women in the letter call that "having sex with someone while they're sleeping."
Agreed. Helpful.
pde

Schaumburg, IL

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#19
Jan 23, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
I think "having sex wtih someone while they're sleeping" is misleading. It's more likely that while she's sleeping, he's fondling her genitals, maybe kissing her shoulder or neck or breasts, hoping to wake her up in a fun way, and these women in the letter call that "having sex with someone while they're sleeping."
Anyone that startles me awake while I'm sleeping is more likely to get an elbow to the gut than a welcome.

Six siblings, remember?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#20
Jan 23, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
I think "having sex wtih someone while they're sleeping" is misleading. It's more likely that while she's sleeping, he's fondling her genitals, maybe kissing her shoulder or neck or breasts, hoping to wake her up in a fun way, and these women in the letter call that "having sex with someone while they're sleeping."
I disagree. I'm taking the letter at face value. I think her sister's bf is quite literally having sex with her while she's asleep. I'm also assuming that she does wake up during, but the issue they have is whether or not it's acceptable to be woken up by your bf railing you.

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