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“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#1 Jun 27, 2013
DEAR AMY: My daughter just turned 11 and has always had a touch of ADHD.

She is bright, creative and fun, but she often forgets to do her “jobs.” Simple things like brushing teeth or washing her face won’t happen some mornings, even though we have a typed list taped to the bathroom wall that she is supposed to check each day.
I don’t want to micromanage her, but I also need these basic things to get done each day. What should I do?-- Frustrated Parent

DEAR FRUSTRATED: I’m not sure what you mean by “a touch of ADHD.” If you ask me, just about every 11-year-old on the planet would qualify for this vague diagnosis.

My instinct is to focus on you. You say that you need for your daughter to wash her face and brush her teeth each morning. The key to your longer-term solution would be for both of you to realize that she needs to accomplish these things for herself.

You should experiment by taking down the job list you taped to the wall. Unless she is quite impaired, I would say that this is the essence of micromanagement.

If you (and she) are wedded to the list system, then let her make her own, in her own handwriting and decorated any way she wants.

Are there things on your list that she automatically does? They needn’t be included. What are the things she knows she needs to do but tends to forget (or skip)? She should post reminders for herself.

You need to take a hard look in the bathroom mirror. How awful would it be for you if your daughter left the house one morning without washing her face or brushing her teeth? If you could be brave enough to let this happen, your girl might realize that it doesn’t feel so great to have fuzzy teeth all day.

Having the freedom to make these little choices is how people learn to make larger choices. Unless you plan to follow your daughter through life with a list on a clipboard, I suggest it’s time for her to get started.

My favorite gift for girls her age is,“The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Younger Girls, Revised Edition,” by Valorie Schaefer and Josee Masse (2012, American Girl). This wonderful book is a “how to” guide for girls about taking care of their changing bodies. It should be on your daughter’s bedside table.

DEAR AMY: My sons are both getting married this year.

My husband and I have offered to pay for the rehearsal dinners and also contribute toward the reception. I have some dietary problems, and there is a local restaurant that has selections I can have. It can also cater to everyone else’s needs.

One of my sons feels we should consider other restaurants because he and his betrothed want their dinner to be different from his brother’s. I do understand that, but since we offered to pay for the dinner and make all of the arrangements, shouldn’t he go along with how we feel?-- Want to Do Right

DEAR WANT: As the hosts of the rehearsal dinner, you and your husband are in the driver’s seat. But in this case, isn’t your son being reasonable when he indicates he does not want an exact copy of his brother’s recent rehearsal dinner?(I think he is.)

And shouldn’t you and your husband make an attempt to cater to his very reasonable request to at least consider other restaurants? I think you should. You are the hosts, but it is his one and only wedding.

DEAR AMY: Your response to the letter from “Furious Mother” was mainly fine, until you accused her of “stalking” her son’s new girlfriend on Facebook. Amy, looking at someone’s photo on Facebook is hardly stalking. Everything publicly posted on Facebook is there for the purpose of being looked at.-- Disappointed

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: In rereading my answer, I realize I inflated the act of looking at a stranger’s picture into “Facebook stalking.” Thank you for the correction.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Jun 27, 2013
L1: I think Amy answered this pretty darn well.

L2: Your son doesn't care. His future wife does. Find a different restaurant in order to better facilitate a good relationship with your future DIL. Another good answer from Amy.

L3: WOW. Amy admitted she was wrong?

Amy hits the trifecta today.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Jun 27, 2013
Team Red! While admitting she "Inflated the act" is not exactly an admission of being wrong, its certainly as close as were likely ever to see.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#4 Jun 27, 2013
L1: Um, she's 11. Wait a year until those hormones kick in and you won't be able to pry her out of the bathroom in the morning. Nagging...er, reminding her to do stuff is part of your job as a parent.

L2: It's the future DIL that's telling the son to reign in his mom. Why are moms of sons so effin' weird and controlling and clingy?

L3: Say whuuuut?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#5 Jun 27, 2013
LW1: It was long-winded and had a product-placement ad, but mostly I agree with Amy. You can't let the teeth brushing go for too long; dentists are not cheap. But I would think a few nasty comments about her foul breath would correct that pretty quick anyway.

LW2: Bleck, what Amy said.

LW3: I agree RACE, not quite an admission being wrong. But surprising none the less.
tiredofit

Los Angeles, CA

#6 Jun 27, 2013
L1: When my kids were eleven (exactly), I had to ask them when was the last time they showered. They weren't childish enough to enjoy playing in the tub but not mature enough to realize they had b.o.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#7 Jun 27, 2013
Nick's 11yo's teacher announced to the class one day this past spring that it was time for every kid in that class to be bathing/showering on a daily basis and that they all need to use deodorant. I like that -- tell EVERYBODY. Don't single out the kid whose parents haven't figured out yet that he stinks.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#8 Jun 27, 2013
1: Ha! Everyone has ADHD or something! Not sure there is a "normal" but some parents seem to love labels, if only to absolve their poor parenting (not saying this is LW's case though). Sounds typical.

2:*sigh* Wow, what a jerk of a son you raised. How dare he expect to simply consider one more restaurant from all the ones in your town?
What a shrew, all about her. Sure it's been like that in other ways. The paying is her justification.
pde

Palatine, IL

#9 Jun 27, 2013
LW1: I'm happy if my kid gets out of the house in the morning wearing clothing that looks mainly clean and having eaten something.

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#10 Jun 27, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Nick's 11yo's teacher announced to the class one day this past spring that it was time for every kid in that class to be bathing/showering on a daily basis and that they all need to use deodorant. I like that -- tell EVERYBODY. Don't single out the kid whose parents haven't figured out yet that he stinks.
Boys are the worst. When my son was about 8 to 11 and came in the house with his friends, wow. I think I can still smell it 40 years later. Now he's Mr. GQ. Although when he was in high school I caught him not brushing his teeth in the AM. He said he didn't eat anything overnight so he didn't need to. Over analyzing has always been his style. Girls are not so bad.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#11 Jun 27, 2013
When my sister was in her early teens, her hair was super greasy, and I said "Ewww, when's the last time you showered?" My dad was right there and he said he didn't say anything to her, because he thought her hair was wet from her washing it recently. Nope. That would be grease.

She's still somewhat like that--won't shave her legs all winter, will go 3-4 days without showering.*shudder*

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#12 Jun 27, 2013
pde wrote:
LW1: I'm happy if my kid gets out of the house in the morning wearing clothing that looks mainly clean and having eaten something.
I yell at the girls all the time that I'm only asking for a few simple things in the morning:

clean underwear
food (and I'm not even that particular about what that food as exemplified by Lulu's breakfast this morning - pizza and pringles. What? It's summer!)
brush teeth

It's not that hard, yet we're constantly having to remind them of these things. <sigh> At least we get a break on the food and teeth brushing in the summer; they have an hour and a half at my MIL's before camp starts and they take care of that stuff there.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#13 Jun 27, 2013
dahgts wrote:
<quoted text>
Boys are the worst. When my son was about 8 to 11 and came in the house with his friends, wow. I think I can still smell it 40 years later. Now he's Mr. GQ. Although when he was in high school I caught him not brushing his teeth in the AM. He said he didn't eat anything overnight so he didn't need to. Over analyzing has always been his style. Girls are not so bad.
I guess each kid is different. My son would take as many baths and showers he could when he was a kid -- before age 5 b/c he would play. Maybe even through 6 and 7. Then 8 on up he would WANT to take a shower in the morning and then one before bed.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#14 Jun 27, 2013
cheluzal wrote:
1: Ha! Everyone has ADHD or something! Not sure there is a "normal" but some parents seem to love labels, if only to absolve their poor parenting (not saying this is LW's case though). Sounds typical.
2:*sigh* Wow, what a jerk of a son you raised. How dare he expect to simply consider one more restaurant from all the ones in your town?
What a shrew, all about her. Sure it's been like that in other ways. The paying is her justification.
You probably see more of it than I do, but it seems like everything has a diagnosis which is used as an excuse for special treatment. And after the diagnosis comes the support groups and the walkathons.

There was a piece on the websites recently that white kids have a disproportionate number of diagnosed cases of ADHD as compared to blacks and Hispanics. Other possibilities which I did not see discussed were that a comparisons to economic strata or parent education level .

If you ever saw West Side Story, there is a song Dear Officer Krupke, which plays into this situation. Its not that the kid's no good, he got a Diagnosis.

(Good to here you are progressing. In Chicago once you have certain hours towards the next degree you get paid more. Does your system do that?
Julie

Chicago, IL

#15 Jun 27, 2013
LW1: I have a feeling your 11-yr-old doesn't "have a touch of adhd"--I bet she's just rebelling against your micromanaging, control-freak @$$. Leave her alone. Her friends will tell her soon enough that she stinks/has bad breath, and then you won't be able to drag her out of the bathroom.

LW2: Another control freak. You've been using your "dietary problems" as a way to control your family for years, haven't you?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#16 Jun 27, 2013
Julie wrote:
LW1: I have a feeling your 11-yr-old doesn't "have a touch of adhd"--I bet she's just rebelling against your micromanaging, control-freak @$$. Leave her alone. Her friends will tell her soon enough that she stinks/has bad breath, and then you won't be able to drag her out of the bathroom.
LW2: Another control freak. You've been using your "dietary problems" as a way to control your family for years, haven't you?
Most restaurants can accommodate food issues unless it is a very sensitive case of allergy. Although I think LW would have said, maybe she is hypersensitive to peanuts or wheat or something and this restaurant can segregate things. I don't see that as controlling your family.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#17 Jun 28, 2013
Proclaiming that is the only place on the planet that can meet your dietary requirements and insisting that the entire meal be centered around her IS controlling her family.

If she truly wanted to make it about the kids and not herself, she would find another restaurant, or bring her own damn dinner.
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>Most restaurants can accommodate food issues unless it is a very sensitive case of allergy. Although I think LW would have said, maybe she is hypersensitive to peanuts or wheat or something and this restaurant can segregate things. I don't see that as controlling your family.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#18 Jun 28, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
There was a piece on the websites recently that white kids have a disproportionate number of diagnosed cases of ADHD as compared to blacks and Hispanics. Other possibilities which I did not see discussed were that a comparisons to economic strata or parent education level .
(Good to here you are progressing. In Chicago once you have certain hours towards the next degree you get paid more. Does your system do that?
I taught all the kids with special needs (ESE) and the majority were minorities, black and hispanic. It is an unfuriating system. Out of the 100 or so kids who had some type of label that gave them too many accomodations, I would venture to say no more than 20 truly needed it. Truly. The rest were either in need of a swift kick in the butt, or simply refused to do their work (even though they had the smarts). The few who tried hard and really needed that extra support tend to try. It's a crying shame how it works.
This coming year I am teaching the gifted kids. Oh boy. I'm sure they are no geniuses, from what I hear, and they come with whinier parents.

We only get more money after we get the degree. I have my master's pay, but I won't get PhD pay until I get it. Of course, it's barely $1,000 more, but I will NOT be staying in middle school as Dr. Cheluzal! I will head to a uni.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#19 Jun 28, 2013
cheluzal wrote:
<quoted text>

This coming year I am teaching the gifted kids. Oh boy. I'm sure they are no geniuses, from what I hear, and they come with whinier parents.
.
Whiny won't even begin to describe it.
Demanding. Entitled. Pushy. That is just for a start.
We live in the north suburbs which are relatively affluent . Parents are generally well educated and certainly involved in school. Unfortunately everyone's kid is "gifted". This became such a problem in the town just north of us that the District discontinued the whole gifted program. I am surprised you didn't hear the howls all the way in FL.There is enough money in the area that parents are able to and do supplement school with programs and classes for kids, but that leaves out the occasional kid with a ton of brains and a family with no money.

Good luck. You are probably going to need it.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#20 Jun 29, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Whiny won't even begin to describe it.
Demanding. Entitled. Pushy. That is just for a start.
We live in the north suburbs which are relatively affluent . Parents are generally well educated and certainly involved in school. Unfortunately everyone's kid is "gifted". This became such a problem in the town just north of us that the District discontinued the whole gifted program. I am surprised you didn't hear the howls all the way in FL.There is enough money in the area that parents are able to and do supplement school with programs and classes for kids, but that leaves out the occasional kid with a ton of brains and a family with no money.
Good luck. You are probably going to need it.
Wow! I would love them to discontinue it here.
When I was in school and tested for gifted there were 7 kids from thr entire grade. They were all on our advanced team and had 2 classes solo. I didn't want to be on it, lol!
Well, I have "emerging professor" on my belt and I will use it. Going to train parents on my expectations and NOT tolerate abuse or bullying from a parent.

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