“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Dec 27, 2013
DEAR AMY: My son and daughter-in-law have a darling daughter. She is the light in our lives. We enjoy seeing her, but we are starting to see her way too often.

My husband and I and my sister are her primary baby sitters. At first it was just a day or two for a few hours, but now my daughter-in-law has assigned us "our own day" so we can count on being there all day -- sometimes well into the night -- as well as at other scheduled times.

She and my son work outside of the home with irregular schedules, so day care is pretty much out of the question. I love my granddaughter, but we're retired and really don't want to start raising another family. It's exhausting. And now my daughter-in-law says that she wants to have another child within the next year.

We are active volunteers and have already given up several activities that we enjoy to accommodate their schedules, and we are hesitant to take a trip because that would place the burden of baby-sitting on my sister.

How do we tell them to raise their own children without sounding like monsters and/or causing a rift?-- Exhausted Gran

DEAR GRAN: If you believe that drawing a simple boundary will make you sound like "monsters," then you can count on raising this child (and their other children). These two parents will have to make a tough choice to change their schedules -- or not have another child.

Saying no to a family member can be challenging, so prepare yourself: The people on the receiving end may act out, have a tantrum or push you away. But you should trust that your family bond will be stronger than the various tasks you can perform for your kids.

You and your husband must speak with one voice. You should call a meeting with both parents and say, "We love our granddaughter dearly, but we are not going to be your regular baby-sitters anymore." Do not offer excuses or elaborate explanations.

You will be tested. Remember that your no is only as good as the backbone it requires to maintain it.

Let your sister know you are doing this. She may also have to create a healthy boundary, but doing so should be her responsibility.

DEAR AMY: I have a nephew who constantly pushes other children around. He does not seem to know how to play with other children in an age-appropriate way. He is a 4-year-old who hits, kicks, pushes and bites.

At our last family get-together he hit his 3-year-old cousin in the face. I had to break this up.

We would like to continue spending time with the family but don't know what to do. In addition, his mother has never said a word to me about it, not even an apology when my son came home with bite marks on his arm. What do I do?-- A Concerned Aunt

DEAR AUNT: You need to monitor (and protect) your young son from this other child's aggression. Being hit and bit can be terrifying for a young child. They should not play alone or at his house.

You don't mention trying to talk to his mother about this, but you should. You start by saying, "I'm very concerned about 'Barney.' I've seen him be aggressive with other children. Have you talked to his pediatrician and teachers about this?"

Many medical (and other) problems can contribute to a child's aggression. So can poor parenting and untold (or unseen) stresses on the child. You cannot solve this problem for the family, but you should alert them to it.

DEAR AMY: The letter from "It Got Better" sure seemed familiar to me. This man's parents abused him after he came out to them as gay and now he is wondering if he should have them in his life.

Your answer was compassionate, but I think it's important to remember that abusive parents can continue to pose some (emotional) threat to this man. In my own case, I was lucky in a way because my family disowned me. I didn't have to make choices.

My real family is the people in my life who love me no matter what.-- Also Better

DEAR BETTER: Amen, brother.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#2 Dec 27, 2013
3- Yes, we should ostracize anyone who doesn't think like us or share our views. The very definition of tolerance.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Dec 27, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
3- Yes, we should ostracize anyone who doesn't think like us or share our views. The very definition of tolerance.
You must be talking about lw's parents. He was gay and did not think like him, so they disowned him. Yup. They were so tolerant

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#4 Dec 27, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
You must be talking about lw's parents. He was gay and did not think like him, so they disowned him. Yup. They were so tolerant
And he calls himself lucky. The line of whom is intolerant of whom can get kinda blurry sometimes.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#5 Dec 27, 2013
I think you eggnog has spoiled. Quit drinking it.
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
And he calls himself lucky. The line of whom is intolerant of whom can get kinda blurry sometimes.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#6 Dec 27, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
And he calls himself lucky. The line of whom is intolerant of whom can get kinda blurry sometimes.
It's only blurry cause of your homophobe colored glasses.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#7 Dec 27, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
It's only blurry cause of your homophobe colored glasses.
Or your intolerant ones
Blunt Advice

New York, NY

#8 Dec 27, 2013
1 find a local teenager so you can have a life

2. When kid gets to kindergarten a year from now you can bet his behavior will be addressed. In the meantime keep your own away from the brat

3 yep you can pick your friends but not your relatives

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#9 Dec 27, 2013
LW1: Tell them if they are going to have another baby, they will need to hire a nanny or au pair. No way should they be foisting all this childcare duty on you.

LW2: Blunt Advice has the right idea. Keep your kid away from the biter.

LW3: Sorry dog, the disowners are the intolerant ones.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#10 Dec 27, 2013
squishymama wrote:
LW3: Sorry dog, the disowners are the intolerant ones.
Squishy! I was just about to ask about you. Where you been, how you been, darlin?

dam intolerant breeder haters.....
tiredofit

Los Angeles, CA

#11 Dec 27, 2013
Squishy, perfect answer for the grandparents about babysitting.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#12 Dec 27, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Squishy! I was just about to ask about you. Where you been, how you been, darlin?
dam intolerant breeder haters.....
I took a few days off to be with the kids. Finally recovering from our Christmastime gauntlet. We visit 3 counties in 3 days and by the end of day 3 I usually need a vacation from my vacation (too bad I didn't get one this year!).

Your story over on the Regs thread reminded me of my cousin's husband. My girls don't know his name, they just call him the Tickle Monster, and look forward to seeing him on the holidays. So keep entertaining the kids; they love it and the parents always appreciate not having to be "on duty" for a little while.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#13 Dec 27, 2013
LW1: Have you met LW from a few days ago who missed her grandchildren if she didn't see them every week, but her husband felt sleep-deprived?

Amy nailed this one. You have to tell your son and DIL that you love your granddaughter, but they need to make other child-care arrangements. You are not a monster for doing this, and the way you avoid causing a rift is that you tell them nicely and not in anger, and you offer to help them find outside help.

LW2: Team Blunt Advice for the win.

LW3: Family for any of us are the people who love us no matter what.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#14 Dec 30, 2013
LW1: They need a nanny, to change jobs or to find a 24 hour day care. Belive it or not, they DO exist and it doesn't have to be you. DIL sounds like a selfish clod though. Wouldn't be surprised if DIL punished LW by not letting her see the granddaughter at all.

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