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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Mar 19, 2014
 
DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship for two years. We gave each other our phone passwords as soon as we made it official to avoid keeping things from each other.

One night I had a sudden urge to go through his phone. I had never done it before, and when I looked at his Facebook messages, I saw he had been exchanging inappropriate pictures with someone. I was shocked and angry, and it almost ended our relationship.

He deleted and blocked this person, and I forgave him. We don't talk about it anymore. I haven't noticed any other red flags, but now, when he's asleep or goes somewhere and leaves his phone at home, just looking at it upsets me. I'll put a pillow or a blanket over it so I can "forget" it's there. I don't know if I should take another peek to make sure he's staying on the straight and narrow, or if ignorance is bliss. What do you think?-- UNSURE GUY IN TEXAS

DEAR UNSURE GUY: Ignorance ISN'T bliss. Being able to trust the man you're with is, and if it turns out you can't, it's better that you know sooner rather than later. It appears you still have some unresolved trust issues with him that need to be discussed.

Between you and me, if he was trying to conceal something, he probably wouldn't be leaving his phone exposed and vulnerable to checking.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 39 and have been married for 12 years. My wife is 35. When we first got together, my wife did not want to have kids right away. She said maybe after I graduated from college, or perhaps we could adopt. It took more time because of some surgeries, but I have graduated now and I want to start a family.

She now says she thought I was kidding when we were talking about it all those years ago, and that I knew she never wanted kids. I am at a loss. I love this woman, but I do want children, or to adopt a baby if that's not possible -- but she says she's unwilling to do either. What am I to do?-- WANTS TO BE A DAD IN CHARLOTTE, N.C.

DEAR WANTS TO BE A DAD: You either accept that you will be childless, or talk to an attorney about divorcing a woman who appears to have deceived you. How sad!

DEAR ABBY: I was engaged to my ex-girlfriend for three years. We broke up more than a year ago -- her choice. We reconciled briefly, but are now broken up for good, and she's dating someone else.

My question is about the engagement ring. It didn't bother me that she kept it until recently. Should I ask for the ring back or let it go? If you think I should ask for it, should I do it face-to-face or through some other messaging?-- MOVING ON IN KENTUCKY

DEAR MOVING ON: When your ex-girlfriend broke the engagement, she should have returned the engagement ring. That she didn't indicates she is either ignorant regarding the rules of etiquette, or that she plans to keep it regardless of what the custom is.(If it's the latter, you're fortunate to be rid of her.)

I do NOT recommend asking for the ring via text or a phone call out of the blue. Your chances might be better if you ask in person. I wish you luck!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#2
Mar 19, 2014
 

Judged:

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1- I can pretty much guarantee he's not being STRAIGHT with you! Get it?! Get it?! Straight? Bwahaa

2- She never "agreed" to have kids so it's not like she did the switcharoo. By the time you divorce her, marry someone else, you (and likely the next woman you marry) will be in your forties. A little to old to start a family.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#3
Mar 19, 2014
 

Judged:

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1 He is cheating, all gay men cheat (the alpha ones anyway). You will forever the the home body to this wandering stud muffin.

2 Yup, your toast. Marry a woman with kids, your more likely to have her push one out for you.

3 My X's kept the rings too, I wouldn't know what to do with them anyway.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#4
Mar 19, 2014
 

Judged:

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1. At least you didn't find inappropriate conversation with a woman so you have the consolation that you haven't scared him straight.

2. Nope ,40 is not too old to start a family, certainly not for a guy. In the meantime find somewhere to volunteer with young kids and immerse yourself. Good male role models are like gold in some communities even for babies. Otherwise I agree with Abby

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#5
Mar 19, 2014
 

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LW1: I wouldn't be with someone who I wasn't sure I could trust. Why not find someone who you trust?

LW2: She said maybe and perhaps. She never agreed to have kids. This is a basic element two folks should agree upon before getting married.

LW3: Not sure why you waited so long to ask for it back.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#6
Mar 19, 2014
 

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L1: You either have to regain that trust or end the relationship. Talking about it with him how you feel, counselling or something. Whining won't help.

L2: She said maybe. She was 23. A lot of changes happen between 23 and 35. Either accept no kids or end the relationship. It's sad but it is what it is. And I agree with PEllen. 40 is not too old for a male. I have a GF that had twins without the help of fertility (she was quite surprised) when she was 42.

L3: Look at it that you're lucky you escaped a relationship that was sure to fail and you cut your losses. Losing a ring is better than losing yourself.

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

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#7
Mar 19, 2014
 

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1. You obviously like cheaters. Your life will be filled with fun and excitement as every time he goes out anywhere or makes a call or is on his computer, you will wonder if he is up to something. Guess what, he is.

2. Quit whining. I doubt your DNA is so special it needs to be immortalized by having a little brat. If you want a kid so badly, have one yourself.

3. Get an attorney and get your ring back pronto. And while you're at it, get back everything else you ever gave her.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#8
Mar 19, 2014
 
RACE wrote:
1 He is cheating, all gay men cheat (the alpha ones anyway). You will forever the the home body to this wandering stud muffin.
2 Yup, your toast. Marry a woman with kids, your more likely to have her push one out for you.
3 My X's kept the rings too, I wouldn't know what to do with them anyway.
Ex fiancee's?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#9
Mar 19, 2014
 

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I said mid forties, not forty. Dude is 39 now. Unless he divorces his wife of 12 years and marries the next day, he's gonna be well into his forties before having a kid. And I hear risk increases if women have babies past forty. I think Race had it, marry a woman who already has kids if this is a deal breaker for you. But you're not entirely being fair to your wife, basically giving her an ultimatum. Again, she never agreed to have kids. I don't have much sympathy for this man. Abby was way off base in her answer

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#10
Mar 19, 2014
 

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edogxxx wrote:
I said mid forties, not forty. Dude is 39 now. Unless he divorces his wife of 12 years and marries the next day, he's gonna be well into his forties before having a kid. And I hear risk increases if women have babies past forty.
He can find a hot trophy wife in her 30s to impregnate even if he is past 40. ;)

I also don't see either one as being unfair. They just have different desires and it's both their fault for not discussing things before they married. If she was dead set on not having kids, she shouldn't have left the door open to the idea. If he was so certain he wanted kids, he should have made sure she was agreeable to this. They are both morons.

Also, when one partner has "baby fever" and wants a kid, it's often times hard for them to just get over that.

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

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#11
Mar 19, 2014
 
Jumping off from L1, is it normal to exchange phone passwords (or email passwords or whatever) with an SO? I know a few married couples who have joint Facebook pages, but I don't think I know anyone who exchanges passwords just because.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#12
Mar 19, 2014
 

Judged:

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There was a period in my life where I was not as smart as I am now...
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Ex fiancee's?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#13
Mar 19, 2014
 
I dont use them on my phone anyway, but if i did, my SO would probably know it, just because at some point I would have let her use it to order pizza.
j_m_w wrote:
Jumping off from L1, is it normal to exchange phone passwords (or email passwords or whatever) with an SO? I know a few married couples who have joint Facebook pages, but I don't think I know anyone who exchanges passwords just because.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#14
Mar 19, 2014
 
j_m_w wrote:
Jumping off from L1, is it normal to exchange phone passwords (or email passwords or whatever) with an SO? I know a few married couples who have joint Facebook pages, but I don't think I know anyone who exchanges passwords just because.
My husband and I don't exchange passwords. If he croaked I would have no idea how to even find out who to notify outside the mutual friends and family. Only one of my email addresses is password protected. He could go through the others at his leisure if he chose. No big deal, but I will ask him to pit his passwords someplace just in case..

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#15
Mar 19, 2014
 
j_m_w wrote:
Jumping off from L1, is it normal to exchange phone passwords (or email passwords or whatever) with an SO? I know a few married couples who have joint Facebook pages, but I don't think I know anyone who exchanges passwords just because.
my wife and i do. Not that creepy joint fb or email nonsense, though

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#16
Mar 19, 2014
 
RACE wrote:
I dont use them on my phone anyway, but if i did, my SO would4 probably know it, just because at some point I would have let her use it to order pizza.
<quoted text>
my wife does not lock her phone. I do, using a pattern lock. Its the easiest pattern to remember, but she puts no effort into trying to remember it. Anytime she needs to use my phone, she asks me to unlock it. I got tired of it. I send my 7 year old over to unlock it for her.

We stayed at a hotel a while ago and left the tablet in the room, so i put a lock on it. Never had one on before, since its typicslly just in my house. Got back home and my son only needed to see me unlock it once and he knows the pattern.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#17
Mar 19, 2014
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text> my wife does not lock her phone. I do, using a pattern lock. Its the easiest pattern to remember, but she puts no effort into trying to remember it. Anytime she needs to use my phone, she asks me to unlock it. I got tired of it. I send my 7 year old over to unlock it for her.
We stayed at a hotel a while ago and left the tablet in the room, so i put a lock on it. Never had one on before, since its typically just in my house. Got back home and my son only needed to see me unlock it once and he knows the pattern.
I have a numerical lock on my smartphone. Among other things it can directly access the email account which is password protected at home

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#18
Mar 19, 2014
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>my wife and i do. Not that creepy joint fb or email nonsense, though
Same.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#19
Mar 19, 2014
 
LW3: I am pretty sure she would legally have to give you the ring back. I've seen that on many a Judge Judy. That is not a "standard" gift. It is a gift based on a promise of something in return. If that promise (that half of the "deal") is broken, the ring goes back to the giver. Now if it were just a birthday or Christmas gift that happened to be a ring (with no promise) attached, then the ex could keep it. Man, there must have been a milion of these cases on the judge shows. The ex always has to give the ring back.
blunt advice

Brooklyn, NY

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#20
Mar 19, 2014
 
1. If he has since deleted the guy then it's over between them. That is if it ever even was. If you feel he can't be trusted then you have to decide to move on or stick with the guy.
2. If having kids means that much to you, then sadly you need to find someone who wants to breed with you.
3. If the breakup was her doing she should return it.

I was once engaged to someone who broke it off and I kept the ring and put it away figuring I would sell it in the future. Flash forward 2 years later when I was engaged to my husband. At that point I re remembered that I still had it and didn't care to keep it any longer. My mother knew the ex guys mother from town. I told her where the ring was and to give it back to the mom (who was really a nice lady and I wish I could have her as a mil). So a few months after I was married my mom saw her and gave the ring back and showed her my wedding pictures. Mom said she was happy for me and had tears in her eyes and said she would see her son the coming weekend and give it back to him. I just didn't want it anymore as that chapter of life was closed.

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