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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jul 14, 2012
DEAR AMY: My husband and I have a very strict bath and bedtime schedule that we follow every single night with our 11-month-old son.

When dropping him off at his grandparents' for a sleepover recently, we went over his routine with them and explained how important this consistency is for him. They agreed to it.

The next morning we learned that not only did they not follow the routine (he didn't end up going to bed until two hours after his usual time), but when giving him his bath, my husband's mom was in the bathtub with him, completely nude.

I am extremely uncomfortable about that. I know in my heart that she would never do anything to hurt her grandson, but I also feel strongly that she crossed a line.

This is not the first time she has overstepped her boundaries.

In the past when we talked to her about boundaries, she got extremely upset and accused us of not appreciating anything she does for our family.

How should I approach these important issues with her?-- Mad Mom

DEAR MAD: I believe in the importance of routine for babies and children, but your adherence to this strict a schedule is more for you than your son, and you should realize this.

Here's what you know: Your in-laws will not respect your son's schedule when he is with them. My view is that time spent with grandparents should be looser than life at home.

Your mother-in-law's choice to bathe nude with her grandson shows poor judgment, and I agree that this crosses the line (though she may have done this with her children at that age).

When you've talked to her about boundaries in the past, she has retaliated by accusing you of being unappreciative. Remove this red herring by expressing your appreciation.

Make sure your in-laws provide a safe environment for your child. Encourage an attitude of open dialogue by asking their opinion (they've already raised children -- you're just starting).

You shouldn't do another overnight until you are more confident in their ability to respect your wishes.

DEAR AMY: I am hoping you can clarify proper etiquette for marriage proposals for all the men out there. I was having a conversation recently with a group of young men in their 30s, and there were many misconceptions about marriage proposals.

I'm worried that should these men ever propose, their girlfriends are going to be very disappointed. For example, two of the men thought it was acceptable to propose without a ring! I feel strongly that men should have a ring on hand when proposing; otherwise, it just ruins the moment.

Am I just old-fashioned, or are these men oblivious?-- Wondering

DEAR WONDERING: I don't think this is really an etiquette question. Proposals are all about the couple embarking on their happy ever after, and there is no one way to do this.

Many couples consider ring shopping together to be part of the ritual of getting engaged. When I proposed to my husband, I forgot the ring part altogether -- and fortunately he has forgiven me.

DEAR AMY: Your recent advice to a "Disgruntled Gramps" that he wait until his ungrateful grandson (age 20) becomes "much more mature" -- and that Gramps not write him off -- is a weak approach, at best.

You tell Gramps that the young man soon to be deployed overseas as a Marine will be alone and homesick and may not express gratitude until he is much more mature.

Wrong! This ingrate will not be alone. As a Marine, he will have a band of brothers, and as a Marine, he won't have time to be homesick!

I wonder how much longer Gramps, age 74, will be able to linger while this 20-year-old lout "becomes much more mature."

Gramps and Granny have gone overboard reaching out to this selfish creature. Enough is enough!-- Eugene A. Taylor Jr., Colonel, U.S. Army (retired)

DEAR EUGENE: I encouraged these grandparents to see their grandson off before he went overseas as a way to demonstrate good solid family values.

Thank you for sharing your views.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#2 Jul 14, 2012
1- Holy crap lady, unclench. I agree with Amy about this routine being more for the parent than the baby, but disagree ahe shouldn't let her inlaws watch him for a while. Btch needs to get over herself. Sounds like more of a power struggle between her and her inlaws. Again I'm amazed why some women HATE, absolutely LOATH the woman who gave birth to her husband. Btches sure be crazy.

2- Bleh

3- You're so full of sht. Marines are just as prone to homesickness as anyone else. Fk off.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#3 Jul 14, 2012
L1. My brother's wife is a total flake too. She had 'scheduled healthful snacks' for her kids when they were young.
So, this one time mom was babysitting them. They were about 4 or 5 years old at the time, and she gave them each a spoon and a can of Duncan Hines frosting for lunch.
Those two kids were in heaven, and grandma was a Godess.
LOL
tiredofit

Los Angeles, CA

#4 Jul 14, 2012
loose cannon wrote:
L1. My brother's wife is a total flake too. She had 'scheduled healthful snacks' for her kids when they were young.
So, this one time mom was babysitting them. They were about 4 or 5 years old at the time, and she gave them each a spoon and a can of Duncan Hines frosting for lunch.
Those two kids were in heaven, and grandma was a Godess.
LOL
Hee, hee! But it still grosses me out. Makes my stomach ache.
Community Disorganizer

Trumbull, CT

#5 Jul 14, 2012
LW 1: You sound really anal, I feel sorry for your son.

LW 2: Who are you, a jewelry industry shill?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#6 Jul 14, 2012
Community Disorganizer wrote:
LW 1: You sound really anal, I feel sorry for your son.
Boy do you have that nailed. Just wait til LW has to deal with a toddler/little kid/adolescent who does . not. do. PRECISELY. what. she. says.

Toilet training is going to freak her out.

The baby is 11 month, not 11 years. It is not sexualized yet. Mom sure is and not in a good way

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#7 Jul 14, 2012
L1: Okay -- bad judgment bathing with the baby when you're the grandma. Just is. Other than that, mom has got to chill.

L2: So wondering want us all to follow her way.

L3: Gramps is too old to harbor long grudges. He should guide is grandson and perhaps talk about the disappointment, not let him off the hook but teach him. If he feels that's not his place or that he shouldn't have to, I wouldn't necessarily disagree, but why wouldn't you want to try to reach out to your grandson? Gramps loss if he continues on this path.

Since: Jun 09

Bolingbrook, IL

#8 Jul 14, 2012
LW1: Agree that bedtime rules can be relaxed a bit at Grandma's but the bath thing was off the charts. So I would drop said child off already bathed or just tell Grandma that a bath is not necessary. If she does it a second time, then I think you have a bigger problem on your hands and you will need to curtail overnights at Grandma's.

LW2: I maintain that women who have to pick out their own engagement ring need to get over themselves. Are you going to pick out all of your own gifts for the rest of your lives together and never let your husband make a decision? Good luck with that. My engagement ring was NOT something that I would have picked out for myself but I love it anyway because it came from my husband's heart.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#9 Jul 14, 2012
L1: I agree that bathing with the grandkids is not wise. Other than that, the LW needs to switch to decaff.

L2: Total BS! The 'requirement' to have a ring in hand to propose is a display of all things shallow.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#10 Jul 14, 2012
1: Bathing is eesch. Probably no harm at the age but it's a grandmother, not a mother.
But the schedule thing--everyone knows you have more fun at the grandparents than at home.
I pity this child's teachers!

2: Hey, there's nothing like a drunken night of sex to lean over and say, "wanna get hitched?"

Since: Oct 09

Wessington Springs, SD

#11 Jul 14, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
1- Holy crap lady, unclench. I agree with Amy about this routine being more for the parent than the baby, but disagree ahe shouldn't let her inlaws watch him for a while. Btch needs to get over herself. Sounds like more of a power struggle between her and her inlaws. Again I'm amazed why some women HATE, absolutely LOATH the woman who gave birth to her husband. Btches sure be crazy.
2- Bleh
3- You're so full of sht. Marines are just as prone to homesickness as anyone else. Fk off.
Wow. Never in a million years thought I'd say this, but you've nailed it on all three. And "bleh" is really a perfect response to that BS letter.
And don't you all feel really sorry for LW1's kid as he grows? Yikes. People wound that tightly probably shouldn't even procreate until they can unclench a bit, or both they and the kids will be miserable, as well as the extended family.

Since: Oct 09

Wessington Springs, SD

#12 Jul 14, 2012
LW2: You need to find something a heckuva lot more important to "worry" about. And newsflash: Each couple is different, so what they consider "proper" for proposals is going to be different, there's no one-size-fits-all and who the H are YOU to decide that for them? And not everyone needs a ring for a proposal, and not every woman expects one.

Hubby's proposal was to say that he was worried that I didn't have health insurance and that, if we got married, I could be on his health insurance. He didn't have a ring at the time, but wanted to go pick one out that weekend and then have me put it on right afterwards. When I share with others how he proposed and what we did, they're often surprised and say it wasn't "romantic enough" and "didn't I want a more traditional proposal" and other such yurunda. But I thought that it was wonderfully romantic, as it was made out of true concern and deep love, and anyone who thinks otherwise can stuff it.

But apparently this yokel would be yammering in hubby's face about how "wrong" and "unromantic" and "untraditional", blahblahblah, he was. Maybe for someone else it would be, but not us. Another one who needs to pull the stick out.

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#13 Jul 14, 2012
Judge Janie wrote:
LW2: You need to find something a heckuva lot more important to "worry" about. And newsflash: Each couple is different, so what they consider "proper" for proposals is going to be different, there's no one-size-fits-all and who the H are YOU to decide that for them? And not everyone needs a ring for a proposal, and not every woman expects one.
Hubby's proposal was to say that he was worried that I didn't have health insurance and that, if we got married, I could be on his health insurance. He didn't have a ring at the time, but wanted to go pick one out that weekend and then have me put it on right afterwards. When I share with others how he proposed and what we did, they're often surprised and say it wasn't "romantic enough" and "didn't I want a more traditional proposal" and other such yurunda. But I thought that it was wonderfully romantic, as it was made out of true concern and deep love, and anyone who thinks otherwise can stuff it.
But apparently this yokel would be yammering in hubby's face about how "wrong" and "unromantic" and "untraditional", blahblahblah, he was. Maybe for someone else it would be, but not us. Another one who needs to pull the stick out.
Your proposal story is amazingly close to that of Jay Leno's.
Cass

Upland, CA

#14 Jul 14, 2012
LW1 - Holy carp! You have only one kid, right? And he is not walking yet, right? Can't reach shelves and such, right? As Edog said, unclench.

LW2 - Oh, my goodness! How dare they think that marriage proposals are not all about a piece of crystallized carbon!

You are a nut.

LW3 - Yes, marines never get homesick. And being military personnel deployed overseas is all just a bundle of laughs and fun. Write the kid OFF. Strike his name from your will. Send him a scathing letter disowning him. He deserves it! If he gets killed or maimed without ever sending out that thank you note, at least the Gramps will feel that he (the gramps) had conveyed his feelings to the ingrate before it was too late.

(If my sarcasm on LW3 is lost in the writing, please note - I AM being sarcastic).

Since: Oct 09

Wessington Springs, SD

#15 Jul 14, 2012
NWmoon wrote:
<quoted text>Your proposal story is amazingly close to that of Jay Leno's.
Really? I don't really follow him, what was his story? Is he still married?

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#16 Jul 14, 2012
Judge Janie wrote:
<quoted text>
Really? I don't really follow him, what was his story? Is he still married?
Oh yeah, they're going to be a 'til death does part us' couple. He and Mavis got married in 1980, and as he told it he proposed because he wanted to get her on his insurance, and his mom used to give them a bad time and joke "how romantic!", but I think deep down she thought it really was.
He's had her there for every New Year's Eve show. Had her on as a guest when she was quite involved in a movement to restore women's rights in Afghanistan, and on his closing show (before they brought him back) he said something,(paraphrasing)'One of the things I'm proud of is I'm leaving with the same gal I came with, my beautiful wife Mavis,...' and then went on to thank her for her support. Then the curtain went up to show his "legacy". A stage FULL of children born since the show started, many from relationships that started because of the show, backstage workers, producers etc, who had met there and had kids.
I seldom watch the show now, but I still like Jay.
Even if he is the most sober man on tv.(that's from Bill Maher, he said it to him on a show once)

Since: Oct 09

Wessington Springs, SD

#17 Jul 14, 2012
NWmoon wrote:
<quoted text>Oh yeah, they're going to be a 'til death does part us' couple. He and Mavis got married in 1980, and as he told it he proposed because he wanted to get her on his insurance, and his mom used to give them a bad time and joke "how romantic!", but I think deep down she thought it really was.
He's had her there for every New Year's Eve show. Had her on as a guest when she was quite involved in a movement to restore women's rights in Afghanistan, and on his closing show (before they brought him back) he said something,(paraphrasing)'One of the things I'm proud of is I'm leaving with the same gal I came with, my beautiful wife Mavis,...' and then went on to thank her for her support. Then the curtain went up to show his "legacy". A stage FULL of children born since the show started, many from relationships that started because of the show, backstage workers, producers etc, who had met there and had kids.
I seldom watch the show now, but I still like Jay.
Even if he is the most sober man on tv.(that's from Bill Maher, he said it to him on a show once)
Ah, I guess that is similar, I had no idea! Sounds like a nice guy and a great marriage, that's not common at all in his line of work. Good for them!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#18 Jul 14, 2012
cheluzal wrote:
2: Hey, there's nothing like a drunken night of sex to lean over and say, "wanna get hitched?"
Only if I got you pregnant.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#19 Jul 14, 2012
While personally I am opposed to adults bathing with children, I guess it's not a very big issue if the child is young enough (three or younger.) Assuming the grandmother is at least in her sixties, it can be difficult for her to bend over the tub and even try to stand up holding the baby. Ideally, bathing it in the kitchen sink might be more appropriate, but if her sink is anything like mine, it is NOT a conductive environment in which to give a baby a bath!:) So I'm gonna grant her some leeway on that one.
pde

Gilberts, IL

#20 Jul 14, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
Ideally, bathing it in the kitchen sink might be more appropriate, but if her sink is anything like mine, it is NOT a conductive environment in which to give a baby a bath!:) So I'm gonna grant her some leeway on that one.
I think that bathing any kid that has independent body movement in the kitchen sink is more likely an accident waiting to happen. The kid is slippery when wet, able to escape the caregiver's grasp, and from any raised sink, that's a header into the floor.

Bathing a kid on a raised surface anywhere beyond about 8-12 weeks old is not wise.

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