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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 May 15, 2014
DEAR AMY: I am a 38-year-old woman, living with my partner of three years. When we first got together, I told him that I really wanted to have a child, and he said he was on board. For about eight months we were trying to conceive, but then he lost his job, and he didn't feel comfortable trying until he was back on his feet.

He is now working, and we have worked through some challenges. This past week, he told me that he does not want to have kids. He says that he doesn't want to spend his money and time on this. He knows it's important to me, and he felt guilty about not saying something sooner.

I am devastated. Should I give up my dream to be with someone who is admittedly selfish?

On the other hand, I am 38, and even if I did break up with him, I might not find somebody new in time to have children.

I don't think he is ever going to marry me. I want that true commitment and vow. He says it's just a piece of paper. I feel I'm losing out on all of those big moments but can't bear the thought of losing him, and he says he wants to stay together.

Amy, am I stupid to stay with this man? What is more important -- the little things or the big things?-- Wondering

DEAR WONDERING: Let me crack the code of what's important. The big things are more important than the little things. The trick is deciding what is "big." For you, these things are: children and marriage.

Your guy seems more in tune with your big things than you are. He knows how important having a child is to you. He knows how important money is to him.

He believes these two things are mutually exclusive.(They are not.)

If you choose to be with him, your life will be all about his priorities. This will not work out for you. Furthermore, your attitude that you might stick with him because there might not be somebody out there who could father your child isn't fair to him.

You can be a mom without being in this (or any) relationship. If this is your lifelong dream, then you should pursue it. After that, all the big and little things will fall into place.

DEAR AMY: I've been dating someone for nine months. In the beginning, our relationship was great and we spent a lot of our time together.

As our relationship has progressed, we're spending more time with our friends, but all of a sudden, my boyfriend now sees his one friend four or five times a week and me even less than that.

Sometimes my boyfriend will invite me to hang out with him and his friend, but he acts as if I'm not there, and now I feel like a third-wheel in their relationship.

Things that we used to do together he now does with his other friend. He doesn't understand why it's hurting me.

What should I do?-- Lonely

DEAR LONELY: Your guy is making his preferences quite obvious. Pay attention. For whatever reason, this other friendship has become his primary relationship. There is no need for you to educate him about your feelings. You need only to understand that he is communicating to you through his actions. He's just not that into you.

DEAR AMY: I am incensed by your response to "Tired Mom," whose daughter and son occasionally showered together. You wrote that the father's instincts should be respected and that "after all, he is the only person in the room who used to be a little boy."

Did I miss something? Doesn't the mother have "instincts" and deserve respect? And isn't the mother the only person in the room who used to be a little girl?

Why defer to the man?-- Incensed

DEAR INCENSED: This co-bathing did not bother the mother to the extent that she felt strongly about it. It did bother the father. There are times in a family when it is important to defer to the person most bothered by something -- to respect that person's instincts and insight. This was one of those times.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 May 15, 2014
1 Lady, you're all over the map here. Get out and clear you're head.

2 Teen stuff, don't care

3 No the mother doesn't. So there.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#3 May 15, 2014
RACE wrote:
1 Lady, you're all over the map here. Get out and clear you're head.
2 Teen stuff, don't care
3 No the mother doesn't. So there.
1.Yep
2.Yep
3 Yep
Cass

Claremont, CA

#4 May 15, 2014
LW1 - Yes, you are stupid to stay with a person who doesn't want things you desperately crave. Leave him.

On a related note, it really bothers me when people say, "He (or she) won't marry me." What are you, a piece of furniture waiting to be moved but unable to do so by yourself? If you want to get married, propose it. If you get a "no" in response, decide whether marriage or begin with this person is more important to you, and if marriage is more important, move on.

LW2 - Your relationship has run its course. Time to part ways.

LW3 - Why defer to a man, indeed? Or why defer to a woman? Does the possession of the Y-chromosome or the lack of it give one supreme decision-making powers?
Amy Schumer

Dallas, TX

#5 May 15, 2014
STFU and stop being whiny little punks.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#6 May 15, 2014
Lw1: Fantastic how Amy & lw make him out to be he selfish bad guy when in fact, they simply want different things. Be happy he told you he does not want kid now vs later. Much better than having ones you don't want.

Lw2: bros before hoes

Lw3: Holy crap. Score one for amy vs a dumbass.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#7 May 15, 2014
1- "Admittedly selfish?" Because he's not caving to what YOU want? Who's being selfish?

Since: Mar 09

Hollywood, FL

#8 May 15, 2014
L1: "...am I stupid to stay with this man?" Yes. But just because he doesn't want kids doesn't make him selfish. You should break up because you're not a good match for one another. Also, I think you're kind of a basket case.

L2: Is the friend male or female? And maybe the friend is going through something and needs your boyfriend as a good friend right now? ASK your boyfriend.

L3: I missed the original letter, but it sounds like it was a fun one.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#9 May 15, 2014
Hey everyone, long time no see.

1. Aren't relationships about give and take?

2. Kid stuff, don't care.

3. After a year away, the old co-bathing debate continues. Yawn......

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 May 15, 2014
Hey! Thoren's back!

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#11 May 15, 2014
LW1: This is not the droid you're looking for. Move along.

LW2: "Your guy is making his preferences quite obvious. Pay attention. For whatever reason, this other friendship has become his primary relationship..... He's just not that into you."

That's right. He's "into" his friend.

LW3: Ha! What Tonka said.
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#12 May 15, 2014
Glance into LW's future:
(a) She sat down with him and clarified whether he meant he didn't want expensive infertility treatments if they didn't conceive or if he
didn't even want children if they occurred by natural conception.
(b) He told her he wa worried about toxemia, gestational diabetes or
other pregnancy complications happening to her.
(c) He told her he was worried she'd miscarry.
or
(d) other

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#13 May 15, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
Hey! Thoren's back!
No, that was Sam

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#14 May 15, 2014
Can someone please give me an XLS of who is who?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#15 May 15, 2014
Howdy.
Saluki Rod wrote:
Hey everyone, long time no see.
1. Aren't relationships about give and take?
2. Kid stuff, don't care.
3. After a year away, the old co-bathing debate continues. Yawn......

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#16 May 15, 2014
Saluki Rod wrote:
Hey everyone, long time no see.
1. Aren't relationships about give and take?
2. Kid stuff, don't care.
3. After a year away, the old co-bathing debate continues. Yawn......
Welcome Back!!!
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#17 May 15, 2014
1: I agree with Amy. You will spend your entire life doing what he wants if you stay with him. The only time you will get what you want is if it is the same thing he wants or if it doesn't interfere with what he wants. You would be writing back to Amy in few years with host of other problems. Don't settle. Even if you don't find Mr. Right, you will still be able to do what you want and not have this guy tell you whether or not he approves.
2: I agree with Amy. At most, he sees you as a convenience. You're there when he wants a girlfriend. And he gets to go off with his friends when he doesn't. But it's more likely that he's too cowardly to tell you he's no longer interested and is hoping you'll just take yourself off.
3: I agree with Amy - and with the Dad referred to in the original letter.
Kuuipo

Elizabethtown, KY

#18 May 15, 2014
LW1: I totally agree that LW's boyfriend's not wanting kids is not selfish. LW knows what she wants and she's pretty sure that she's not going to get what she wants (marriage and children) from her boyfriend. That leaves her one clear choice: break up with him and find someone who wants what she wants. To not do that is to deny your true desires just to be with someone.

LW2: Pippa nailed it. He's too cowardly to break up with you. This it total passive-aggressive behavior designed to get you to break up with him. And relationships are always sunshine and roses in the beginning.
Kuuipo

Elizabethtown, KY

#19 May 15, 2014
Cass wrote:
On a related note, it really bothers me when people say, "He (or she) won't marry me." What are you, a piece of furniture waiting to be moved but unable to do so by yourself? If you want to get married, propose it. If you get a "no" in response, decide whether marriage or begin with this person is more important to you, and if marriage is more important, move on.
And this. If you want to get married, ask the person that you're with if that's what they have in mind, too.

I have a friend who some time ago decided that she was finished with short-term relationships after having lived a guy who would not commit to marriage. So when she was dating, she would tell guys, "If we're still together in 6 months, I want an engagement ring, and I expect to be married within a year." She got what she wanted and is still married 15 years later.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#20 May 15, 2014
Kuuipo wrote:
LW2: Pippa nailed it. He's too cowardly to break up with you.
Or maybe he's at a stage in his life where he does not feel like he should be spending most of his time with a girlfriend? Maybe when they started dating, he disappeared from his friends' lives and they let him know and now he's making an effort to show he's still one of the boys. Does not mean he does not want a girlfriend. Just not the top priority in his life.

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