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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jul 24, 2014
DEAR AMY: My husband and I have been married for a few years. It is a second marriage for both of us. He has custody of his children, who are in high school.

He recently accepted a new job that has him working about 60 hours a week.

I have agreed (willingly) to do everyday chores with the understanding that the kids pitch in. I do not work outside the home, so I like to help keep things orderly so he can come home at the end of the day to a clean and organized house.

The kids are asked to do very little in the way of chores (i.e. do their laundry, take out the garbage, unload the dishwasher and walk the dog).

My husband now tells me he doesn't care if the kids do their jobs and doesn't want me reminding them, though the kids have no problem with the "gentle" reminders. I always thank them and tell them that their dad will be happy when he gets home from work.

What gives? I cannot let the kids think they have no rules or responsibilities. I refuse to do everything while the kids play video games.

Any advice I can give my husband? I suggest we sit down with the kids and discuss a good solution for all of us. He doesn't seem to care.-- At My Wit's End

DEAR WIT'S END: Your husband does not have full custody of these kids -- you both do. He is gone almost every waking hour, so really -- you have custody and (for now, anyway) he is passing through.

Understanding that you are (also) their parent might help clarify this issue.

If you are the "project manager" of your household, then you should be making everyday decisions about its functioning. This includes how to divvy up the workload.

For kids, having vital functions at home gives them a real stake in the outcome, teaching them important life skills and also a respect for the hard work of housework.

Otherwise, they become oozing lumps of flesh, permanently installed on the couch.

An analogy your husband might grasp is you coming into his workplace and letting the employees know that their functions aren't really important and that the boss' directives are really only suggestions.

A family meeting might help clear the air, but you also run the risk of your husband continuing to undermine you when he should be backing you up. Get on the same page before you two sit down with the kids.

DEAR AMY: Our son got married Sunday. Our flight got canceled due to a hurricane. The wedding was a small barbecue wedding at their home, and we asked them if they could postpone it.

They said everything was set up already.

We said we would cover the cost to reschedule it. They decided to go ahead without us being there. Do you think this was the right decision?-- Inquiring Minds

DEAR INQUIRING: I assume that your flight cancellation was very last minute, giving the couple little time to reschedule a wedding that (though small) was something they had carefully planned. There might have been other close friends and family members who had also made heroic efforts to be there.

I can imagine your disappointment, but try to chalk this up to an unfortunate "act of God" and don't hold it against the couple. They may end up regretting their choice, but it shouldn't be because you are forcing the issue.

DEAR AMY: I have to disagree with your answer to "Feeling Guilty," who kept a pair of sneakers he (accidentally) hadn't paid for.

While I agree it's not right to keep the shoes, the time to address it was at the time of purchase, thereby giving the clerk an opportunity to correct it immediately.

Going back later only puts the clerk on the spot with his or her boss, compounding an unethical situation. Better they should donate the shoes. Someone out there can surely use them, and no problems will come to the cashier, who apparently simply made an error.-- Matt

DEAR MATT: Donating ill-gotten gains does not absolve the person from keeping something he had not paid for.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Jul 24, 2014
1 Tell hubby you don't care that he doesn't care because you DO care.

2 Ha! you got screwed. Next time try watching the weather channel.

3 ill gotten gains???'cmone, their sneakers not a bank heist.
besides, its all about intent.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Jul 24, 2014
L1: I am on the wife's side. I agee tgat the kids should have chores. However, she dies nit work. She has no small children at home to care for. I have lived that life and keeping the place clean is easy when you have little else to do. She's making it seem like its overwhelming doing it all herself

Lw3: "Donating ill-gotten gains does not absolve the person from keeping something he had not paid for."

So you hate Robin Hood.

Also donating is not the same as keeping

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

East Hartford, CT

#4 Jul 24, 2014
RACE wrote:
3 ill gotten gains???'cmone, their sneakers not a bank heist.
besides, its all about intent.
*They're* still ill gotten. A child in Indonesia worked 15 hours in a sweat shop to make those shoes. Besides, he knew he didn't pay for them when he got to the car. He said screw it because the service was bad. There's your intent

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#5 Jul 24, 2014
L1 Part of being a good parent is ensuring the kids grow up with a sense of responsibility for daily tasks and respect for the parents -plural- requests. Anyone who has had teenagers knows that gentle reminders sound like nagging but they are necessary and a parental prerogative.

There may be more management theory ways of getting this done.

One on one fun stuff with a kid goes a long way towards getting cooperation , especially if Dad isn't available as much as he was.

I rather wonder how their mother handles this.

L2 Um, hurricanes are predicted rather far in advance.Accuweather and Wunderground have these neat maps showing where stuff will be 4-5 days in advance. When it looked possible weather was going to interfere with flight schedules, LW should have changed their flight to get in earlier. I put teh "bad" on LW not teh B&G. Anyone wonder about a BBQ that didn't need to be postponed for a hurricane?

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#6 Jul 24, 2014
No, his intent was to purchase sneakers, which he believed he had when he walked out the door, not to steal them.
when he realized the clerks error, he simply chose not to correct it, again no intent to steal.

And if its taking that kid 15hrs to make one pair of sneakers, fire him, he's working too slow.
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
*They're* still ill gotten. A child in Indonesia worked 15 hours in a sweat shop to make those shoes. Besides, he knew he didn't pay for them when he got to the car. He said screw it because the service was bad. There's your intent

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#7 Jul 24, 2014
a BBQ in NY does not need to be canceled because of a hurricane hitting Miami.
PEllen wrote:
Anyone wonder about a BBQ that didn't need to be postponed for a hurricane?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#8 Jul 24, 2014
PEllen wrote:
L1 Part of being a good parent is ensuring the kids grow up with a sense of responsibility for daily tasks and respect for the parents -plural- requests. Anyone who has had teenagers knows that gentle reminders sound like nagging but they are necessary and a parental prerogative.
There may be more management theory ways of getting this done.
One on one fun stuff with a kid goes a long way towards getting cooperation , especially if Dad isn't available as much as he was.
I rather wonder how their mother handles this.
L2 Um, hurricanes are predicted rather far in advance.Accuweather and Wunderground have these neat maps showing where stuff will be 4-5 days in advance. When it looked possible weather was going to interfere with flight schedules, LW should have changed their flight to get in earlier. I put teh "bad" on LW not teh B&G. Anyone wonder about a BBQ that didn't need to be postponed for a hurricane?
Parents live in Florida. Hurricane barreling towards Florida. Son lives in (pick a state). Planes grounded in Fla due to unsafe conditions. Blue skies and sunshine in (pick a state). BBQ time!

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Jul 24, 2014
PEllen wrote:
...Anyone wonder about a BBQ that didn't need to be postponed for a hurricane?
For a bit. I figured it probably had to do with the equipment not beng at the proper airport than the actual hurricane having to do with the cancellation.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

East Hartford, CT

#10 Jul 24, 2014
PEllen wrote:
Anyone wonder about a BBQ that didn't need to be postponed for a hurricane?
It's not just a BBQ, it's a wedding. You can't just postpone a wedding. Maybe the preacher isn't available the next day, maybe the rent-a-tux is due back at the store, maybe the guests have to leave tomorrow

And I'm wondering where the lw is from. I don't recall any hurricanes hitting the US on Sunday
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#11 Jul 24, 2014
Glance into the future for LW1:
(a) She will decide the housework is not as important as she thought--and get a part time job.
(b) Those "children" will grow up and go away to college.
(c) One of those "children" will bring home a significant other and
move that SO in without asking permission.
or
(d) other

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#12 Jul 24, 2014
L1: The kids should do some housework, whether or not a parent works outside the home. It's about teaching other things. It's a good idea for the parents of the household to get together and on the same page before speaking with the kids again. I'd go as far as going to a marriage counsellor if you can't agree to get this issue ironed out. This is something that can bleed into other things and become a power struggle.

L2: It's difficult to say without having more information, but you wonder if the parents could have drove. perhaps there wasn't enough time to drive. If there wasn't enough time to drive, cancelling on a bunch of people would have been very difficult. I think this is unfortunate timing and the 'rents need to let it go. While it is an important event and I'm sure they're disappointed they couldn't attend, it's not more important than their kids or either of their marriages. Be glad everyone is safe, that's the main thing.

L3:(sigh) I agree with Edog.(cringe):D

L3:

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#13 Jul 24, 2014
I was trying to look up hurricanes. All I could find for this year was Hurricane Arthur that affected flights. That was on a Friday -- July 4th.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#14 Jul 24, 2014
boundary painter wrote:
Glance into the future for LW1:
(a) She will decide the housework is not as important as she thought--and get a part time job.
(b) Those "children" will grow up and go away to college.
(c) One of those "children" will bring home a significant other and
move that SO in without asking permission.
or
(d) other
What does any of that have to do with getting kids to perform chores around the house like taking out the garbage, mowing the lawn, doing your own laundry and putting it away, etc?

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#15 Jul 24, 2014
LW1: My wife would tell me, oh really ... well, then you can do their chores. Really if you are not going to have any say in how to run the household, when it concerns his kids, then let him handle all the responsibility of raising them, himself.

You have this "he's the king," who gets to make all the decisions and you are the "obedient doormat" dynamic between the two of you. That's really the problem. You are going to have to change that, unless that is what you want this relationship to be.

LW2: Yes, that was the right decision. Why should everyone else, have to readjust their schedule just because your flight got cancelled. The world doesn't revolve around you, twit.

LW3: Why should he have to do anything. Is the store going to pay him for his time it takes to return them? That's my attitude.

I accidentally got shipped two pairs of high end marine speakers. Like $300. I felt zero obligation to call the company, sit on hold, explain the situation, print out a return packing slip, and arranging for pick up or schlep down to the drop box. Why should I bet out my time so the company isn't out speakers? Is my time worth less than pair of speakers? Not to me.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#16 Jul 24, 2014
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
What does any of that have to do with getting kids to perform chores around the house like taking out the garbage, mowing the lawn, doing your own laundry and putting it away, etc?
It's just a glance into the future. She can only control herself. Those teens may listen to her--or not.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#17 Jul 24, 2014
LW1: These young people will need to know how to do these things to be functioning adults.

If they have no problems with doing these chores, I wonder why the father/husband does? Power trip on his part? <mimishrug>

LW2: Sorry, but they did the right thing. Don't make them feel guilty about it.

LW3: I love ill-gotten rehash. Om nom mom nom
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#18 Jul 24, 2014
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: My wife would tell me, oh really ... well, then you can do their chores. Really if you are not going to have any say in how to run the household, when it concerns his kids, then let him handle all the responsibility of raising them, himself.
You have this "he's the king," who gets to make all the decisions and you are the "obedient doormat" dynamic between the two of you. That's really the problem. You are going to have to change that, unless that is what you want this relationship to be.
THIS. And what PEllen said about parental prerogative and doing some one-on-one fun stuff with the kids as a method of encouraging them to participate in the less fun household chores. If her only interactions with them are "gentle reminders" that they need to do their chores, then they're more likely to resent and resist her requests.

LW2: Yes, it was the right decision. Plans had been made, minister hired, invitations printed, marriage license ready to be signed, etc. The wheels had been set in motion. I know that you are disappointed, but congratulate your son and move on.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#19 Jul 24, 2014
L2. LOL. You're killing me.
You gotta get out of that airplane mode.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#20 Jul 25, 2014
It always makes me feel good when your planes get grouded.

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