Dahgts

Chicago, IL

#1 Jun 17, 2013
DEAR AMY: My supervisor frequently asks staff for monetary contributions for his fundraisers and walkathons for various causes — including his church. I think this is an inappropriate use of his power. He is very persistent. It is one thing to put up a flier in the break room so people could participate (as desired) to a cause, but he confronts everyone individually and repeatedly. Some people understandably have a hard time declining.

I know he means well, but supporting a church or charity really should be each person’s choice. He makes more than everyone in the company, except the owner, and does not seem to have any understanding of financial hardship. When someone tried to opt out with the reason of having an expensive car repair, he suggested buying a new car. He doesn’t get that if fixing the car is taxing on the finances, buying a new one is simply not an option.

I don’t know how to handle this. He would not respond well to being told it is inappropriate, and it is too small a company to have an HR department. This happens at least once a month, and it’s hard to keep coming up with excuses. What else can my co-workers and I do?-- Sick of Forced Funding

DEAR SICK: Forcing employees to support a religious institution or cause is wrong — and may be illegal (certainly if there are negative consequences if you don’t donate). I agree that this is inappropriate and an abuse of power. You need not advocate for other co-workers, but you should arrive at a strategy that works for you.

You needn’t tell this supervisor that his efforts are inappropriate. What you can say is,“I’m sorry, but I can’t contribute. I do my donating outside of work.” Do not offer specific explanations or excuses.(This will only inspire him to challenge you.) Be firm and friendly:“Gosh, I’m sorry, but that’s the way it is.”

DEAR AMY: I was recently married, and a problem I was hoping would get better seems to be getting worse. My wife seems to have no interest in sex — even though she says she does.

We’ve been married for a month and have yet to consummate the marriage. When I try talking to her about it, she supplies myriad reasons, and I’m made to look like a sex-crazed bad guy.

I love my wife and love intimacy with her. When we first started dating, we made love a few times a week. Then it became once or twice a month, and now it’s maybe every month or two. I really don’t know what to do. Is this normal?-- Tired in Tennessee

DEAR TIRED: This is not “normal,” but when it comes to the complexity of human sexual relationships, normal is definitely a relative term.

Most importantly, your wife’s sexual behavior has changed radically, and she is not offering an honest explanation for her challenge. Maybe she is hedging because she is not really sure what is going on, but her refusal to work with you to address this important issue is the most troubling aspect of her behavior.

The emotional intimacy of your marriage is as important as your sexual intimacy. She is choosing to blame you rather than include you as part of the solution. She should see a physician to rule out medical issues, and the two of you must see a counselor together. Learning how to discuss challenges openly and peacefully is a skill that will serve both of you through life.

If your wife refuses to address this in an honest way, you have some tough choices to make. So far, the longer-term health of your young marriage is at risk.

DEAR AMY: I’m responding to the letter from “To Work or Not to Work,” the at-home mom who was insecure about possessing a college degree and “not using” her education. When my children were younger, I said the same thing to my mother, and she gave me what I consider to be the perfect answer:“You use your education every time you open your mouth.”-- Pam, in Sammamish, Wash.

DEAR PAM: Perfect answer.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Jun 17, 2013
L1: New job.

L2: DTMFA. Your wife sucks.(Amy used WAY too many words. Just tell the guy it's over, get a divorce, try again.)

L3: Puh-lease. It doesn't take a college degree to raise and educate three-year-olds.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#3 Jun 17, 2013
L1: It doesn't matter if it's for his church or his daughter's Girl Scout troop, it's inappropriate to try to coerce employees to donate/participate in fundraisers. Be firm, and document everything in case you get fired, demoted, or mistreated because you refused.

L2: "I was recently married, and a problem I was hoping would get better seems to be getting worse." So you saw the red flag but chose to ignore it. Not smart.

L3: Heh. What Ang said. But whatever gets you through the night....

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#4 Jun 17, 2013
1. If the company is large enough, have a quiet talk with the supervisor's boss. Or, as Amy said, just say No.

2. Non-consummation of the marriage will support annulment even in the Catholic Church. It won't get better. Get out now. It will cost you less. Oh, if it is only one month, return the wedding gifts.

3. I have strong feelings on the subject of Ltr 3. I think the original writer should be feeling guilty for not using her degree. Lots of other people competed for that slot and were not admitted. It is not a matter of work life balance which assumes some of both, but the original LW was not working at all.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#5 Jun 17, 2013
1 Ha! You're screwed

2 She does enjoy sex, just not with you.

3 No rehash for me today.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#6 Jun 17, 2013
LW1: Start documenting everything in case your refusal to donate leads to retaliation on his part. Just because you don't have an HR department that doesn't mean the EEOC stopped existing.

LW2: You shouldn't need a hall pass on your honeymoon. Counseling.

LW3: Bleck.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#7 Jun 17, 2013
LW2 - Soooo, you had a problem, and you decided to marry it in the hopes of improving it. Not smart. Not smart at all.

LW3 - Mommy wars. Sigh. Most SAHPs I know have college degrees, and often advanced degrees. One has a PhD and a JD. They choose to be SAHPs not because they are lazy or stupid, but because it works for their families.(Shrug). And they don't give a flying f- what other people say about their choices. I'd hope that in the year 2013, most people of either gender are smart enough and confident enough to do the same - i.e. not give a flying anything about the opinions strangers have of their life choices.
Toj guess I have to logon

Chicago, IL

#8 Jun 17, 2013
L1: What Squish said.
L2: What Cass said.
L3: You would think we would be beyond this. PEllen, I disagree with you. There are all different ways to use your education in your life, one way is when you teach your children. The person competed for that slot and got it. Also, either paid for that education or earned it through scholarships. The world doesn't get to say how to use it. Or not use it.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Jun 17, 2013
Logged in (to get notified of replies)
pde

Homer Glen, IL

#10 Jun 17, 2013
Toj guess I have to logon wrote:
Also, either paid for that education or earned it through scholarships. The world doesn't get to say how to use it. Or not use it.
And a lot of times, the "world" itself isn't conductive to using it either. For my undergrad degree, I participated in a highly competitive, limited-admission writing program. I definitely took a slot away from someone else. I barely ever managed to use that in the real world.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#11 Jun 17, 2013
1: Pull your big boy or big girl pants on and say, "No." Just leave it at that and sooner or later it'll stop.

2: Time to call a lawyer, get an annullment and hit the meat market bars with extreme prejudice.

3: Tell people that until you got preggars you had every intention of working, but your belly got in the way.

Since: May 13

Monterey, CA

#12 Jun 17, 2013
LW1: You have 2 choices: 1: "Sorry, money is tight right now." or 2: "I will contribute $5." You can use one or the other, or trade off.

LW2: If you and your wife don't get counseling and figure this out now, you will someday be one of those LWs who writes that he hasn't been intimate with his wife for years. Please don't be another of those. Get help. Amy doesn't know what her problem is and neither do we.

LW3: What Cass said.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#13 Jun 17, 2013
Back in the late 70s I had an employer strong arm me for a charitable contribution. He said I would get fired if I didn't give. I wasn't making much and just making ends meet. I was ticked!

I dialed 411 right in front of him and asked for the telephone number of the Department of Labor.

He quit harrassing me after that.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#14 Jun 17, 2013
There's nothing illegal about what this boss is doing, other than MAYBE the church related donation hit-ups. From a lawyer at the WaPo forum:

VA Lawyer
From one of the folks in the legal community ... a few basic rules:

Rule 1: It is perfectly legal for your boss to be the biggest jerk in the world.

Rule 2: It is perfectly legal for your boss to make an unreasonable request, and then fire you for refusing to comply with it.

I didn't say it was right.
I didn't say it was moral.
I didn't say it was fair.
I didn't say it was good business.
I just said it was legal.

Rule 3: It is, however, illegal for your boss to discriminate on the basis of religion.

Is it legal for your boss to demand that you donate to his church? I dunno. It's an illegal request if demanding a donation to a church counts as discriminating on the basis of religion. If I were the company's HR lawyer, I'd put the kibosh on this kind of behavior in a millisecond, but I don't know offhand what a court would do with a situation like this.

Pressuring underlings to buy Girl Scout cookies is legal.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#15 Jun 17, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
If I were the company's HR lawyer, I'd put the kibosh on this kind of behavior in a millisecond
Except this company doesn't have an HR department. And even if it did, not all HR departments have a lawyer.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#16 Jun 17, 2013
PEllen wrote:
3. I have strong feelings on the subject of Ltr 3. I think the original writer should be feeling guilty for not using her degree.
Bullshit. You wanted that slot, you should have worked harder to beat me out. The fact that I am in this program earning a degree does not in any way obligate me to use that degree. I owe nothing to anyone who did not get in. I might have the aptitude for this degree, but then get into the workplace and realize I hate this field(And I know someone who did not realie how uch she disliked IT till she was out of school working. She switched careers).

If I choose to not use my degree due to dislike of the field, deciding to be a stay at home parent, or due to being more interested in shoving coke up my nose, that's my business. I owe nothing to those people who did not make it in instead of me.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#17 Jun 17, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Except this company doesn't have an HR department. And even if it did, not all HR departments have a lawyer.
But almost all companies have a lawyer. My company does. My company of 20 people had a lawyer.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#18 Jun 17, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Bullshit. You wanted that slot, you should have worked harder to beat me out. The fact that I am in this program earning a degree does not in any way obligate me to use that degree. I owe nothing to anyone who did not get in. I might have the aptitude for this degree, but then get into the workplace and realize I hate this field(And I know someone who did not realie how uch she disliked IT till she was out of school working. She switched careers).
If I choose to not use my degree due to dislike of the field, deciding to be a stay at home parent, or due to being more interested in shoving coke up my nose, that's my business. I owe nothing to those people who did not make it in instead of me.
I agree. Plus, a person could go to school, have a major, and then senior year, bam, falls in love, gets married, and two years later she's home with a baby and this is what she wants to do for the next 10-15 years.

I went to school with a guy whose mom had a PhD in physics. He and his brothers did very well in calculus, chemistry and physics.

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