“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 May 9, 2014
DEAR AMY: My husband’s best friend from work,“Billy,” is an amazing man. He speaks several languages, has traveled the world and does a million other things. He’s also friendly, confident, funny, easy to talk to, nicely groomed and well-dressed, and is a warm, generous guy.

We love him to death, but he can’t get a date. The problem is, he’s just physically unattractive. It’s not any one feature; it’s just sort of everything. He’s definitely on the low end of homely. He is also short.

I haven’t just jumped on the bandwagon because the team is now winning. My conversion came more than a year ago, when the Wizards were still losing.

I’ve introduced him to every single woman I know. They like his personality and all agree that he’s a wonderful guy, but none of them can get past his looks.(If I had run into him when I was single, I would never have given him the time of day, either.)

I know he’s tried every avenue he can think of — online dating, social groups, singles clubs, church groups — you name it.

Online is worst. He’s had hundreds of women abruptly cut off communication as soon as they see a picture. If he posts a picture at the outset, no one will respond at all.

My husband and I have both run out of ideas for this poor man. I know he’s terribly lonely, and it eats at him to be constantly rejected. I think that it doesn’t help that he wants to have children. He would make a wonderful father! He’s 44. Is there any hope for him?-- Sympathetic

DEAR SYMPATHETIC:“Billy” might be looking for love in all the wrong places. Yes, he has looked everywhere he, you (or I) can imagine, but has he volunteered to be an after-school tutor (or coach) at the local Boys and Girls Club? Has he looked into being a foster father or a Big Brother? Would he like to try to adopt a child?

What I’m getting at is if this wonderful guy would be a great dad, maybe he should cut out the middleman (or woman) and turn his search toward sharing his life with a child who will value attention, love and companionship as much as he does.

Being a single man is no longer the impediment to fatherhood that it once was. As his biggest and most generous fan, maybe you should engage him in a conversation that could ultimately change his life. Start like this:“Billy, have you ever considered becoming a dad? If you’re interested, we’d love to help.”

DEAR AMY: I dated a girl in high school for a short time and the relationship ended on good terms. I am now in college and we are good friends (we do not go to the same school).

There is a part of me that is still interested in dating her because I haven’t found another woman quite like her, but I am not sure how to approach her about it because 1) I go to college out-of-state and 2) I don’t know if she is interested in dating right now.

I don’t want to ruin the friendship by saying what I feel if she doesn’t feel the same way, but I am also not sure how to approach her about it.-- Confused Bachelor

DEAR CONFUSED: You two have a dating history and a close friendship. This is going to be easier than disclosing your romantic interest to a friend because you’ve dated her before.

Simply ask her:“Have you ever thought about the two of us hanging out together again?”

She may throw the question back at you:“I don’t know, have you?” If so, you can say,“Yeah, I do think about it. But I don’t want to mess up our friendship. What do you think?”

DEAR AMY:“Manager” wondered about the awkwardness of choosing not to hire a former associate who did not interview well with a group of co-workers the manager had assembled. You wrote,“I think it is somewhat unusual to be interviewed by potential co-workers.”

Actually, it is pretty common, especially in tech fields, to have co-workers interview potential hires.-- Manager Too

DEAR MANAGER: Scores of readers corrected me on this. Thank you all.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#2 May 9, 2014
PEllen wrote:
DEAR AMY: My husband’s best friend from work,“Billy,” is an amazing man. He speaks several languages, has traveled the world and does a million other things. He’s also friendly, confident, funny, easy to talk to, nicely groomed and well-dressed, and is a warm, generous guy.
We love him to death, but he can’t get a date. The problem is, he’s just physically unattractive. It’s not any one feature; it’s just sort of everything. He’s definitely on the low end of homely. He is also short.
I haven’t just jumped on the bandwagon because the team is now winning. My conversion came more than a year ago, when the Wizards were still losing.
I’ve introduced him to every single woman I know. They like his personality and all agree that he’s a wonderful guy, but none of them can get past his looks.(If I had run into him when I was single, I would never have given him the time of day, either.)
I know he’s tried every avenue he can think of — online dating, social groups, singles clubs, church groups — you name it.
Online is worst. He’s had hundreds of women abruptly cut off communication as soon as they see a picture. If he posts a picture at the outset, no one will respond at all.
My husband and I have both run out of ideas for this poor man. I know he’s terribly lonely, and it eats at him to be constantly rejected. I think that it doesn’t help that he wants to have children. He would make a wonderful father! He’s 44. Is there any hope for him?-- Sympathetic
DEAR SYMPATHETIC:“Billy” might be looking for love in all the wrong places. Yes, he has looked everywhere he, you (or I) can imagine, but has he volunteered to be an after-school tutor (or coach) at the local Boys and Girls Club? Has he looked into being a foster father or a Big Brother? Would he like to try to adopt a child?
What I’m getting at is if this wonderful guy would be a great dad, maybe he should cut out the middleman (or woman) and turn his search toward sharing his life with a child who will value attention, love and companionship as much as he does.
Being a single man is no longer the impediment to fatherhood that it once was. As his biggest and most generous fan, maybe you should engage him in a conversation that could ultimately change his life. Start like this:“Billy, have you ever considered becoming a dad? If you’re interested, we’d love to help.”
DEAR AMY: I dated a girl in high school for a short time and the relationship ended on good terms. I am now in college and we are good friends (we do not go to the same school).
There is a part of me that is still interested in dating her because I haven’t found another woman quite like her, but I am not sure how to approach her about it because 1) I go to college out-of-state and 2) I don’t know if she is interested in dating right now.
I don’t want to ruin the friendship by saying what I feel if she doesn’t feel the same way, but I am also not sure how to approach her about it.-- Confused Bachelor
DEAR CONFUSED: You two have a dating history and a close friendship. This is going to be easier than disclosing your romantic interest to a friend because you’ve dated her before.
Simply ask her:“Have you ever thought about the two of us hanging out together again?”
She may throw the question back at you:“I don’t know, have you?” If so, you can say,“Yeah, I do think about it. But I don’t want to mess up our friendship. What do you think?”
DEAR AMY:“Manager” wondered about the awkwardness of choosing not to hire a former associate who did not interview well with a group of co-workers the manager had assembled. You wrote,“I think it is somewhat unusual to be interviewed by potential co-workers.”
Actually, it is pretty common, especially in tech fields, to have co-workers interview potential hires.-- Manager Too
DEAR MANAGER: Scores of readers corrected me on this. Thank you all.
Posterity

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#3 May 9, 2014
You and your husband like him so there is something there. If everyone thinks his visual first impression is the stumbling block (and I don't think it is), then change the visuals. There is plastic surgery, procedures which are not quite surgical, there are gym work outs, hair implants, professional photographers who do portrait shots that optimize what you have.

AI don't think its his looks alone, by the way. One of my most interesting boyfriends bore a strong resemblance to a frog, but his body language radiated confidence, he kept fit and he was phenomenally interesting to talk to. FWIW we ran into him 30 years after I last saw him. he looks even more like a frog but he is on his second wife and has two kids and runs his own business which requires some sales work, i.e., public contact.

More likely Billy needs an attitude refresher.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#4 May 9, 2014
L1: He should go to a dating coach. Like Pellen said, it's something in conjunction with the looks. Usually to me, if a guy has a great personality he gets better and better looking. If a guy is extremely handsome and is a complete jerk, I suddenly don't feel he's very handsome. Personality and confidence does play a huge part.

L2: Actually, I think Amy had good advice.

L3: Okay.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#5 May 9, 2014
1 Has he tried dating a blind chick? I am saying that in all seriousness,

and PEllen WTF?

I haven’t just jumped on the bandwagon because the team is now winning. My conversion came more than a year ago, when the Wizards were still losing.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#6 May 9, 2014
1- They're asking advice on how to get him a girlfriend and Amy gives advice on how he can interact with children. Dude wants to get laid, not be a role model

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#7 May 9, 2014
Lw1: lower the bar. Set him up with an ugly chick.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#8 May 9, 2014
LW1: I'm seeing the SNL "ad" for Lowered Expectations in my mind.

If fatherhood is what his end-goal is for finding a woman, then Amy's advice is sound.

LW2: Yeah, yeah, what Amy said.

LW3: Eh, Amy doesn't get out much.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#9 May 9, 2014
RACE wrote:
and PEllen WTF?
I haven’t just jumped on the bandwagon because the team is now winning. My conversion came more than a year ago, when the Wizards were still losing.
I wondered about that too...

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

#10 May 9, 2014
RACE wrote:
1 Has he tried dating a blind chick? I am saying that in all seriousness,
.
Oh my, great minds think alike. I was going to say, fix him up with a blind date. Literally.

Except now I'm picturing Dolarhyde & Reba from Red Dragon!

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#11 May 9, 2014
RACE wrote:
1 Has he tried dating a blind chick? I am saying that in all seriousness,
and PEllen WTF?
I haven’t just jumped on the bandwagon because the team is now winning. My conversion came more than a year ago, when the Wizards were still losing.
Hey, it was in the source; I just cut and paste and edit out the dross. Missed that part.

So shoot me.
Kuuipo

Elizabethtown, KY

#12 May 9, 2014
LW1: Horrible advice from Amy, great assessment and advice from all posters here. I totally agree with PEllen and Toj. Character, personality, and confidence are far more important than looks. Billy is the kind of guy that a woman likes once she gets to know him. I'm guessing that Billy is great company as a friend, but totally clueless in dating situations. Also, he's been rejected a lot, so his confidence may, understandably, be sagging. I like Toj's suggestion of a dating coach. I would also suggest dance classes, ballroom or salsa. Women love to dance. If he has two left feet, he should take a cooking class. If he goes where the women are, he will succeed, but he needs to meet women as friends first and not potential partners.

LW2: Just ask.

LW3: Yes, peer interviews are very common.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#13 May 9, 2014
1: Aw, poor ugly guy. I feel God made him and there is a lid for every pot. I think he should stop trying so hard....there could be a desperation that pervades all his great qualities. Hopefully he has reasonable expectations for his woman, because there are plenty of homely women who have great substance.
Relax and stop trying and that's when they say it happens.
blunt advice

Livingston, NJ

#14 May 9, 2014
cheluzal wrote:
1: Aw, poor ugly guy. I feel God made him and there is a lid for every pot. I think he should stop trying so hard....there could be a desperation that pervades all his great qualities. Hopefully he has reasonable expectations for his woman, because there are plenty of homely women who have great substance.
Relax and stop trying and that's when they say it happens.
Agree. Billy needs to involve himself in activities that interest him and he will meet people whose company he can enjoy. Hanging out with married friends or going to bars doesn't cut it. Assuming the lw and hubby are around his age of 44, most of her friends are in that age range and are so attached to their independence they will make any excuse not to be interested in dating someone.

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

#15 May 9, 2014
L1: You guys are funny and have good ideas. Amy's advice sucks. Shocker.

L2: yeah, duh, ask her.
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#16 May 10, 2014
Glance into the Future: Billy found himself far happier with:

(a) a professional woman (veterinarian, CPA, professor), who was tired of men who seem to see her as a doll, trophy or status symbol
(b) a plain, but sweet waitress, who loves him for himself
(c) a chubby, but cute receptionist with a good heart
(d) the woman in her eighties who just wants a man to spoil jher
or
(e) other
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#17 May 10, 2014
1: Perhaps the problem is that he is pushing for a date too soon - before the ladies get to know him as a friend. I have found that I don't even notice a person's looks after knowing them for awhile and find their personalities pleasing. I dated a guy for some time and really liked him. This was a guy whose appearance the first time I met him was a total turn-off. But he became part of our group of friends and I found myself liking him more and more as time went on. Eventually, he asked me out and we dated for most of one year in college. I probably would have jumped at the chance to marry him but neither one of us was ready for that and we eventually went our different ways. Again, this was a guy most girls would not date on knowing him just a short time. It was the friendship that developed over a period of time that got me to see below the surface and see that he was a quality person. I think the lw, her husband, and this guy should approach things as introducing him as simply a friend and then include him as often as possible in the group. Perhaps this way the ladies will see him as he is inside and not think of his appearance as reason to turn him down. Even frogs can find love.

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