“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Aug 18, 2014
DEAR AMY: My 24-year-old college-graduate daughter has been dating a young man, "Reggie," for three years. He is still finding his way, as are most millennials at that age.

He is starting graduate school in the fall to get a Master of Fine Arts, hoping to be a writer, but he is willing to teach until he achieves writing success. They are talking about marriage, which bothers my wife immensely because she sees Reggie as lazy, directionless and not good enough for her only daughter.

I try to be a peacemaker, trying to point out his good qualities to her while trying to advise him and my daughter on how to prove the wife wrong by demonstrating these qualities.

This constantly puts me between my wife and my daughter. I imagine group counseling is needed, but they'll be living a 10-hour drive away, so that won't happen. Should I suggest counseling to my wife so she can learn to accept Reggie for who he is?

How can I help calm the family strife?-- Caught in the Middle Colorado

DEAR CAUGHT: Based on your narrative, "Reggie" is guilty of the following: Being accepted into a (presumably competitive) MFA program with a plan to teach to support himself; having the ambition to become a writer (oh, the horror); and loving your daughter enough to consider marriage.

If she loves this young man and they have a balanced relationship, then I suggest that your wife is the only one who needs an attitude adjustment: If she doesn't like this guy, then she doesn't have to marry him. You need to step out of the middle and say to her, "I trust our daughter's judgment and will embrace the person she chooses. Beyond that, I am not going to mediate between you. If you can't learn to tolerate him and they do get married, then you are going to be very lonely."

Cease all mediating. The other players in this drama need to do this work on their own.

DEAR AMY: My son is 20 and home from college for the summer. He is very well liked, and is pretty responsible for his age. My husband and I have always been open about talking about the dangers of drugs, and he seemed to get it. He says we don't have to worry and that he makes good choices.

Because we share some features on our computers, I now see all of his text messages. I feel guilty looking, but because of it I know he is smoking pot and drinking socially. I asked him if he smokes pot. His response was "once in a while."

I know it's more than that. I fear he may work up to other things. Do I tell him about my computer access so we can really talk, or just keep an eye on it to see if he does something worse?-- Know Too Much in N.J.

DEAR KNOW TOO MUCH: Talk to your son. There is no reason to tiptoe around your very real concerns about what he is doing. Waiting until your spying yields something potentially more serious than you can handle is counterintuitive. Your role as parents is to be brave enough to deal with things as they happen. You should urge your son to make healthy choices, and let him face real consequences when he doesn't.

DEAR AMY: I'm responding to the letter from "Unsigned," the inmate who wanted to marry his distant cousin. While I agree the woman should think twice about getting involved with a repeat offender, I wanted to back your conclusion that there's no danger of marrying someone distantly related.

While researching potential ancestral names for our first child, my wife and I found out that we are fifth cousins once removed. I was a little freaked out at first, but once I had someone walk me through the statistics of how far apart our DNA was, I was OK with it.

Seventeen years and three healthy boys later, we can look back on it and laugh!-- Happy in Idaho

DEAR HAPPY: Marrying a distant cousin is extremely common in other cultures. There is no health risk, as you've learned.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Aug 18, 2014
1 Your wife is trying to control you and your daughter. Lamy is right, back out of it.

2 You were snooping, you and lamy can sugar coat it all you want, but you violated his trust and privacy. And you have made your position clear, so quit being a helicopter and go let him make his choices.

3 Inbreds....
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#3 Aug 18, 2014
RACE wrote:
1 Your wife is trying to control you and your daughter. Lamy is right, back out of it.
2 You were snooping, you and lamy can sugar coat it all you want, but you violated his trust and privacy. And you have made your position clear, so quit being a helicopter and go let him make his choices.
3 Inbreds....
1: I agree. Being Monkey in the Middle is no fun and doesn't accomplish thing. Wifey and daughter need to work things out themselves.

2: And is it "snooping" when a mom finds drugs in her child's drawer while putting away his clothes? I don't see the difference. If the son was using a computer that is used by others in the family, he has no expectation of privacy unless he is using his own private "desktop" with a password. If he's using a joint email or fb account or some account with no personal password, he REALLY has no expectation of privacy. A parent has a responsibility to guide his/her child in the right direction. If he/she's doing something to jeopardize his health or future, doing what is necessary to prevent this is the parent's job. I'm sure there are many parents out there who are wishing they'd intervened with their child's drug problem sooner. There's a possibility that he allowed those messages to be seen by his mom or dad because subconsciously he wanted them to find out.

3: We're ALL inbred; we all came from Adam and Eve. ;-)

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Detroit, MI

#4 Aug 18, 2014
1- yeah, your wife has the problem, tell her to but out

2- lighten up, 99.3% of college students smoke weed

3- if you go to your family reunion to meet women....

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Detroit, MI

#5 Aug 18, 2014
Pippa wrote:
3: We're ALL inbred; we all came from Adam and Eve. ;-)
Impossible, they had two sons, how does that work?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#6 Aug 18, 2014
1. This is what happens when helicopter parents who came of age in teh 70's see the kids get ready to leave.

Tell me how you feel about that...

FWIW, Amy is right. Dad should stop being a mediator, but he should also get to know Reggie better because it looks like he will be a son in law and the guy needs one decent in law.

2. "Because we share some features on our computer..." Either your son is a tech idiot which is unlikely or he knows you can see his texts ( and his emails and his browsing history, too?) and its not that bad.

You letter comes from NJ. Chill. Colorado has proven that pot doesn't necessarily lead to other bad stuff.

If LW wants a useful occupation, research whether pot use is a ticketable offense or still a crime in the states and towns where your son lives and goes to school.

Oh yeah, he's 20. Quit snooping on his texts.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#7 Aug 18, 2014
YOur comparing apples to cinder blocks. Was his mommy just organizing his emails for him? straightening up his texts? Maybe getting the dust bunnies out of his old AOL account, and a file just happened to pop open? No, she went looking thru his emails and texts to police his online and personal activities.
Pippa wrote:
<quoted text>
2: And is it "snooping" when a mom finds drugs in her child's drawer while putting away his clothes? I don't see the difference.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Garden City, MI

#8 Aug 18, 2014
Then there was that couple in Brazil who, after being together for seven years and having a kid, learned they were half siblings

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Aug 18, 2014
L1: Quit getting in the middle. All you can do is ask your wife if she believes she raised her daughter right then tell her it's time for your daughter to make her own good and bad decisions.

L2: He either wanted to be caught or the weed slowed his brain up so much he forgot to delete and/or use his special password desktop.

L3: Kissing cousins.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#10 Aug 18, 2014
LW1: Your wife is waaaaay too involved in your daughterís relationship. There is no way I would put up with that if I were Reggie. He doesnít have to prove anything to your wife. All he has to do is make your daughter happy.

LW2: Oh noes. Not Pot. The horror. Write when you have a real problem.

LW3: Itís all fun and games until your child is born with three arms.:p
pde

Bothell, WA

#11 Aug 18, 2014
LW1: It sounds like you and your wife are the ones who need counseling in this situation--her to learn when to accept that something is not her business, and you to learn why you are such a doormat you are constantly trying to smooth the relationship between your wife and daughter. Your daughter has the good sense to live ten hours away from her mother. I suspect the reason you've put yourself in the middle is that your daughter has already removed herself from the drama and is sitting on the sidelines, observing how crazy her mother is going to get.

LW2: what 20-something uses his computer to text?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#12 Aug 18, 2014
LW1: No one in this situation needs counselling except maybe your wife. certainly no GROUP therapy is needed. Who your daughter marries is HER business. Mommie Dearest's approval is not required. If counselling is necessary for her to come to terms with that, then SHE should go. This is an issue of mom not understanding boundaries.

LW2: "You should urge your son to make healthy choices, and let him face real consequences when he doesn't."

Isn't that kind of what's already going on? They laid the groundwork in his early years and now he's on his own to make his own choices? The only difference is that she's snooping. Additionally, I'd like to know what he considers "once in a while" vs what she considers "once in a while". Is he lighting up daily? Weekly? I could see him doing it a couple times a month as the opportunity presents itself, but her thinking "once in a while" means its rare and maybe a few times a year. Unless its affecting his school work, I would not worry too much about it.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#13 Aug 18, 2014
Re: wanting to get caught & tech idiot

I see this asessment a lot and think this is complete BS. I don't buy the idea that anyone WANTS to get caught.

Also, I was trying to figure out how mom could have access to his texts without him knowing. First thought was that his dumb ass was leaving himself logged into the family computer while he was off at college. Both Google(Hangouts) and Apple(iMessage) have their own messaging system that you can use to send texts, but if the recipient is on the same messaging system, it does not use the standard mobile text protocal, but instead sends a message like an instant mesenger program. Something that you can acess thru the computer.

But a co-worker told me that he knew someone who had a family plan with verizon. When he logged into his verzon account, he was able to see all the text messages being sent on all the accounts in the family plan. Found out his wife was cheating on him and sending nekkid pics to some dude. My cell plan does not give me that kind of access.

So with this in mind, kid is not necessarily a dumbass or looking to get caught, but possibly a kid who's phone is under his parent's family plan and mom is checking his texts that way.

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