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1 - 16 of 16 Comments Last updated Oct 8, 2013

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Oct 7, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: I love my husband of 20 years. He's a good man. He is intelligent, well-read, a good husband (for the most part) and a good father.

I know for certain my husband isn't gay, but for the better part of our marriage, we've not had sex on a regular basis. This pattern began within the first two years of our marriage (until then we were totally hot for each other).

I don't know why he has experienced this early loss of libido; I know I am still eager to have a sexual relationship with him. Though we're both older than when we first got together, I am still attractive -- and so is he.

I've been living without sex for many years and have never been unfaithful.

I see myself as an ethical person. I don't want to end my marriage, but self-gratification isn't the same as a one-on-one sexual relationship.

Over these many years, we've discussed this problem but nothing has changed, so would it be unethical for me to seek sexual gratification elsewhere?-- Wondering (but not Wandering) Wife

DEAR WIFE: Discussing the extreme sexual drought in your marriage is one thing. Doing something -- anything -- about it is another.

Does your husband want to try to recover his libido and sexual function? Has he had a conversation with his doctor about it? Are you two willing to speak to a marriage counselor or seek sex therapy together?

It seems you two have many opportunities to at least try to recover from this challenge, aside from hoping that things will somehow miraculously change.

If you took traditional marriage vows then you will recall the phrase "for better or for worse." In a loving marriage you each have a duty to try your hardest to maximize the experience for yourself and your partner. This does not mean that you are both guaranteed a wonderful sex life -- or any sex life. Intimacy comes in many forms; as painful as this is for both of you, facing this challenge together could deepen your marriage.

If your husband agrees for you to seek sexual gratification outside of your marriage, then your choice is on the ethical end of the spectrum (though it would place additional challenges on your relationship). If you decide to pursue this and keep it a secret from him, then it is decidedly unethical.

DEAR AMY: My best friend is in her mid-40s. She has a serious alcohol addiction and it is ruining her life. She is unable to keep a job or friends, or maintain a romantic relationship due to this terrible disease.

I love my friend dearly and I have told her that I'm there to support her when she decides to attempt recovery, and I do not enable her in her addiction.

Now my friend has developed memory issues that I believe are due to her addiction, but she blames that and everything else going wrong in her life on other causes.

A recovering addict told me that my friend has developed brain problems related to her addiction and is literally killing herself. I'm desperate; what can I do to help my friend?-- Heartbroken

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Addicts are sometimes forced into treatment because of a crisis related to their drug or alcohol use -- an automobile or other accident, a suicide attempt, a crime committed, or a workplace non-negotiable. If you are "rescuing" your friend in times of crisis, you may need to stop. Police or hospital personnel may be able to force her into rehab.

Otherwise, you can research treatment options in your area and meet with a professional to see if you and other loved ones can stage an intervention. Interventions should be guided by an addiction specialist -- otherwise even the most dedicated attempt may backfire and have serious (unintended) consequences.

DEAR AMY: "Shocked Daughter" witnessed her mother shoplifting an item from a local store. Your advice was fine, but why didn't you suggest that the daughter visit the store and pay for this item?-- Also Shocked

DEAR ALSO: Your suggestion to pay for the item is a great one, but the mother -- not the daughter -- should make this right.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#2
Oct 7, 2013
 

Judged:

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1 Sure, open marriages are so in vogue right now!

2 She has no job, no friends, and no lover, but amy says stage an intervention...Who's going to be there?

3 Oh, jeez it was a bic lighter!

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#3
Oct 7, 2013
 

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LW1: Sure, if you tell him what you are going to do if he doesn’t address the issue.

LW2: You’ve done all you can do. Some folks purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

LW3: I fail to see why the daughter should pay for it.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#4
Oct 7, 2013
 
L1: Get to a bonafide sex therapist and have his hormone levels checked out.

L2: You can't force anyone to do what they should do.

L3: Tonka said the same thing at the time -- the daughter shouldn't pay for the mother's shoplifting.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#5
Oct 7, 2013
 
RACE - Excellent point on #2.

Sub - I agree on LW1 and LW3.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#6
Oct 7, 2013
 
LW1: I'm surprised he hasn't already offered to give you a hall pass. Try seeing a couple professionals before you start stepping out on your husband, however.

LW2: I'm afraid all you can really do is make sure you're far enough away from the trainwreck when it finally happens that you don't get hurt (emotionally or physically).

LW3: I ain't payin' for nuthin'!
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#7
Oct 7, 2013
 
LW1: Yes. It would be completely dishonest and unethical. I agree with Toj. It he's not gay, he may have a treatable medical problem. If you want to stay married and honest, you need to get to the root of it, no pun intended.

LW2: What can you do? Not much.

Since: Feb 10

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#8
Oct 7, 2013
 

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L1: Tell HIM what you wrote here, and insist on couple's counselling as well as a full mdical work-up. If he refuses either, tell him up-front that you are going to have a sex life, even if he doesn't want to be a part of it. And, FWIW, I doubt that you know for certain...he could be bi, or he could have been in denial. Irrelevant, I guess. That line just kind of annoyed me.
L2: You're already doing everything you can do. Sometimes we need to hear that, though, so I can understand writing.
L3: shutupshutupshutup with all the stinking rehash already!

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#9
Oct 7, 2013
 
I am surprised Amy didn't suggest Al Anon to help LW come to terms of her own limitations vis a vis an addict/ alcoholic

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

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#10
Oct 7, 2013
 
L2. I never really believed that alcoholism is a bonafide disease. In the classical sense, that is.
I can think that if I want....
dahgts

Albuquerque, NM

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#11
Oct 7, 2013
 
loose cannon wrote:
L2. I never really believed that alcoholism is a bonafide disease. In the classical sense, that is.
I can think that if I want....
no more then mental illness.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#12
Oct 7, 2013
 
loose cannon wrote:
L2. I never really believed that alcoholism is a bonafide disease. In the classical sense, that is.
I can think that if I want....
Seriously, LC, how do you define disease in the abstract?

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#13
Oct 8, 2013
 
The thing with alcoholism is that some people succumb to it really quickly whereas others can drink, then stop. Those people think everyone should be able to do that.

Some people can't.

Mental illness is not seen physically so much -- kind of like alcoholism.

It's all like "buck up". Not so easy, seriously.

It's all chemical (and sometimes/most times genetics). In the brain. Difficult stuff.

You can not have a heart attack if you live correctly -- exercise, eat the right foods all the time, live a clean lifestyle.

Yet you don't hear that: "Oh, a heart attack. Hmmm. Well THAT family must not have raised that person correctly."

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#14
Oct 8, 2013
 
Toj wrote:
The thing with alcoholism is that some people succumb to it really quickly whereas others can drink, then stop. Those people think everyone should be able to do that.
Some people can't.
Mental illness is not seen physically so much -- kind of like alcoholism.
It's all like "buck up". Not so easy, seriously.
It's all chemical (and sometimes/most times genetics). In the brain. Difficult stuff.
You can not have a heart attack if you live correctly -- exercise, eat the right foods all the time, live a clean lifestyle.
Yet you don't hear that: "Oh, a heart attack. Hmmm. Well THAT family must not have raised that person correctly."
Also, I seem to remember reading something about the enzymes in the liver and that people who are genetically disposed towards alcoholism actually have a different number or type of enzyme (it was a few years ago, so I forget which) than people that aren't. And the alcohol somehow triggers those enzymes. It was actually a physical correlation.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#15
Oct 8, 2013
 

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PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Seriously, LC, how do you define disease in the abstract?
Anything that can be overcome by willpower and discipline is not a disease, IMO. Lack of discipline does not equal disease.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#16
Oct 8, 2013
 
dahgts wrote:
<quoted text>
no more then mental illness.
Mental illness is not something that can be overcome by willpower. You can't just say I'm not going to be depressed anymore and magically make it happen, as far as I understand. You can say, I will never touch a drop of alcohol again, and make it happen by following through.

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