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1 - 14 of 14 Comments Last updated Apr 17, 2013

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Apr 17, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: I have been dating a wonderful woman for several months now, and we have fallen deeply in love. We talk of spending our lives together, and although we are undecided if we would get legally married, we would at the appropriate time make a "commitment" to each other before actually living together as a couple.

My loving partner has been widowed for five years after a 20-year marriage and has two college-age children. She says she does not consider herself "married" anymore. The question is, when we begin living our lives together, is it appropriate for her to continue using her deceased husband's surname or revert back to her maiden name?

Although I would never ask her to take my name unless we were legally married, I am somewhat uncomfortable living a life together as a committed couple when she has another man's name.

Am I being silly, or do I have a valid reason for my feelings? We agreed that we would "Ask Amy." -- Feeling Silly

DEAR FEELING: Your beloved is not a piece of property. Her identity is not dependent on the man she is with, nor is it completely dependent on her surname, whether it is the one she currently has or the one she grew up with. Her surname is not "another man's name" -- it is her name. It is the name she has held for 25 years and (I assume) the surname she shares with her children.

If she wants to change her name, she will. She alone gets to decide what is "appropriate."

Your feelings are valid -- because they are your feelings. But I suggest you work harder to keep your eye on the ball and give your loved one complete and total freedom to do what she wants to do.

DEAR AMY: Our daughter shocked us recently. We have loved her for more than 40 years.

We recently baby-sat our only two grandchildren, ages 9 and 7.

When we left, we noticed a trampoline in the corner of the living/dining room. The angle protruding into the room is extremely sharp and dangerous.

Later we sent to the daughter the following email: "Grandma and grandpa do NOT understand -- you have a trampoline in your living room? Unguarded? Please talk to us."

This is her surprising response: "We are fine with the risk. I ask that you don't take that tone with me in the future."

Well, Amy, we Lutherans believe in the biblical commandment to "honor thy parents." She knows this part of the Bible.

I am her father, and I have not had contact with her for two months. Her mother does the baby-sitting.

Am I too sensitive? She is a manager at a big company. She acts as though I am an underling or one of her children.-- Protective Grandfather and Insulted Father

DEAR INSULTED: Let's start with the commandment you cite. It's about honoring parents. Your daughter is saying that you should honor her judgment (even if you don't like it) because she is the parent.

Your email to her does betray a certain "tone." To me, it seems condescending. This does not mean that you shouldn't mention an obvious safety risk in the house, but you asked a question, and she answered it. She snapped at you, and you have chosen to cut yourself off from her ever since.

If you are trying to model positive parenting to your daughter, you are doing a poor job of it. The idea is to communicate respectfully, to be consistent, mature and forgiving. You can't be this kind of father and grandfather if you aren't speaking to your daughter or seeing your grandchildren.

DEAR AMY: I am compelled to respond to "Workplace Crush." This woman needs to stop daydreaming over this man she "admires and adores" and face cold, hard reality. I speak from experience. I too faced a midlife/marriage crisis and made the mistake of communicating my feelings to a co-worker, who was my superior. I created a monster and ended up having to leave my job.

I suggest she concentrate on her marriage.-- Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE: Thank you for sharing your cautionary tale.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#2
Apr 17, 2013
 

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1 Dude, chillax. Your getting the milk, dont buy the whole dam farm.

2 Gramps is an arrogant twit. He has basically stopped loving his daughter because she did not cow down to him. There are probably a thousand different ways to convey your concern, but you chose the one that made you look like a king summoning a commoner before yourself. She put you in your place though

Since: Jan 10

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#3
Apr 17, 2013
 

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L1: Sorry, but I don't think your desire to have her take our last name overrides her desire to leave things as they are. Yes, you're being silly. You mention her "college age" children as if that's reason (their ages) for mom to get rid of *their father's last name*-- a name she had for 20 years, and possibly, it's a name she's had her entire adult life--perhaps even over half of her lifetime at this point. Would you "let" her keep her last name as is if her children were very young and she wanted them all to have the same last name? You sound VERY insecure just based on this one issue. Willl you also have problems with her honoring her dead husband on their anniversary, his birthday,e tc.? what if she wants to go visit him at his grave on those occasions? would you begrudge her that? I think you would.

L2: UGH take your "honor thy parents" and insert it where the sun don't shine. Your patronizing attitude is ridiculous. If I were her, i wouldn't ask you for babysitting favors in the future. it's not worth it. Does your precious bible mention anything about letting your ADULT DAUGHTER raise her kids? butt the freak out, thumper.

As far as the daughter's "tone" in her email, she was drawing boundaries. good ones. good for the daughter.

Hey, I get the concern about the trampoline.(I suspect this is actually one of those very tiny things meant to be used for exercise indoors.) but email? To criticize her parenting choices? It'd be one thing to say something in person so YOUR tone wouldn't come off so smug and know-it-all-ish. but email? cop-out. Easy way out.

L3: Common sense never gets through to people like that original LW.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

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#4
Apr 17, 2013
 

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LW1 - Do you just sit around all day and try to dream up problems?
LW2 - Do you just sit around all day and try to dream up problems.
pde

Schaumburg, IL

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#5
Apr 17, 2013
 

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RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Hey, I get the concern about the trampoline.(I suspect this is actually one of those very tiny things meant to be used for exercise indoors.) but email? To criticize her parenting choices? It'd be one thing to say something in person so YOUR tone wouldn't come off so smug and know-it-all-ish. but email? cop-out. Easy way out.
The kids are 9 and 7. Baby-proofing goes out the window about age 3-4.

I have a six year old and I'd put one of those exercise trampolines in any room in my house without being concerned. There are much more dangerous sharp corners on my first floor, particularly since those trampolines are usually padded. Like, all the corners of the 150 gallon fish tank and its stand, the corners of the coffee table and end table, the corners of the dining room table, the corners of the wine rack ...

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Tacoma, WA

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#6
Apr 17, 2013
 
1: OMFG Dude you are a doosh.

2: OMFG Dude you are a doosh.

3: STFU

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#7
Apr 17, 2013
 

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LW1: If *this* is what you worry about, then yes, you are silly. Now grow up.

LW2: You totally questioned her commitment to her childrens' safety with your condescending little note. That you don't see that is exactly why she had to put you in your place.

And now you're acting like a petulant child because she did not react the way you think she should have? Now grow up.

LW3: Too bad the original LW won't pay any attention to your cautionary tale.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#8
Apr 17, 2013
 

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LW2... His e-mail (e-mail? really?) to his daughter was so rude, condescending and out of line!!! His daughter responded correctly. I am thinking it's an exercise trampoline, too, or maybe one they slide outside to use out there. If he wanted to question it, he could have done it conversationally and respectfully, but he was a total jerk.

LW1 obviously didn't even THINK about what a PITA it is to change your name.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#9
Apr 17, 2013
 

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The OSHA in me wants to agree with LW. The human in me labels him as authoritarian Church Elder, Pater Familias who needs to be told he is not living in 1880 and should pond sand.

"We Lutherans"....

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Tacoma, WA

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#10
Apr 17, 2013
 

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Unless there's jagged edges (broken metal, etc.) how sharp can it really be? Don't those things come with padded covers for the frames?

The more I think about it the more I dislike LW. He is a condescending ass who wants to tell his obviously grownass ("over 40 years") daughter how to conduct her life. Pfffttt

And being Lutheran has nothing to do with it. Every freaking religion in the world has some sort of "honor thy mother and father" clause. Otherwise shitlikethis would have the "kids" putting the smack down on the parents. It's a guard against parti/matricide.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

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#11
Apr 17, 2013
 

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LW1 - i know someone who kept the name of her first husband, even thoguh they divorced because he was a drunken asshole... kept the first married name through the 2 marriage and subsequent divorece to anohter drunken asshole. she said at the time of the 2nd marriage that she is that name now; 3 kids & 30+ years later, its HER name, not his last name. Let the GF do what she wants. And even if she goes back to her maiden name, its STILL "antoehr man's name": Her father's...

LW2 - a little high on the horse of grandfather, especailly to put it that way over e-mail... adn the "honor thy parents" bit went out the door when she "cleaved unto her husband'(or whatever taht citation is....)

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

Chicago, IL

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#12
Apr 17, 2013
 

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1. If I were here, I'd go back to my maiden name.

2. Honoring your parents doesn't mean gobbling up their poorly-communicated, intrusive, meddlesome BS. And you don't send an email asking to talk to someone. If you want to talk, you talk. I think your daughter showed great restraint in her response.

3. Such an excellent point.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

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#13
Apr 17, 2013
 

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LW2 is giving both Lutherans and grandfathers
a bad name. Good thing he is just a rude one.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#14
Apr 17, 2013
 

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Everyone's got it covered.

To add to lw2, he accuses HER of treating HIM like a child? Really? I wonder what his lutheran pastor would think about this.

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