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1 - 19 of 19 Comments Last updated Jun 24, 2014

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Jun 24, 2014
 
DEAR AMY: I have a daughter, 20, who basically won't do anything expected of her.

She won't keep her room clean (it looks like a nuclear bomb went off), nor will she do anything else I ask of her (which is not much). And now she doesn't even come home at night.

She keeps throwing in my face the fact that she is 20 and an adult with an almost full-time job (minimum wage, 32 hours a week).

I have stated that as of next month I am signing her car over to her and she needs to start paying her own insurance. The month after that she will start paying $20 a week for room and board. I told her adulthood starts now. That did not go over well.

Her mother kicked her out a year ago, knowing she had a place to live with me. If something were to happen to her because I kicked her out I would probably step in front of a truck, so I can't do that.

Am I approaching this wrong? I don't know what else to do except kick her out. My life has become miserable, and I hate even going home.-- Mike

DEAR MIKE: As long as you sincerely believe that your daughter being on her own would lead to disaster, culminating in you "stepping in front of a truck," she has you right where she wants you.

The fact is, if she is staying out all night, ramming around and basically defying you at every turn, her lifestyle is already pretty risky. It would be best if she left the household.

Signing the car over to her, along with its expenses -- is good (she's lucky she's receiving it).

Charging her $20 a week for "room and board" creates a false economy, leading her to believe that $20 a week is all it costs to support herself.

Here's an action plan for you: You say, "Honey, it's been real. I love you very much. You have six weeks to find another place to live." She will act out. She will flail and rail against the injustice of it all. You should not react to this.

Help her research single rooms or apartments to share. Otherwise, let her handle it.

Warning: Do not do this unless you develop a spine. Making this statement and then letting her manipulate you out of it would be worse than not doing it at all.

DEAR AMY: For over a year I've been dating my best friend's brother. She had some negative feelings about it when it began, but she seemed to come to terms with our relationship.

Unfortunately, lately she has become distant and has stopped communicating with me. The cold shoulder is unwarranted. I've always been supportive of her, but she won't resolve whatever issue she has with me.

A friend suggested that because I'm dating her brother maybe she sees me more as a sibling than friend, and that's why she's being so cold. I don't think it's appropriate or fair to only be my friend when she needs me, but not when I need her.

Can you help me confront her?-- Lost

DEAR LOST: If being a quasi-sibling means that this friend freezes you out, then that doesn't speak well for sibling relationships. The thing about being a sibling is that you are basically forced to confront problems (eventually), because siblings have a way of turning up -- at holidays, etc., over the course of a lifetime.

Marshal the bravery to say to her, "I wish you'd tell me what's eating you. I miss our friendship and would like to work things out." It would be hard for her to put up her dukes in the face of such gentle prodding.

DEAR AMY: I related to the letter from "Feeling Sad," the grandmother whose daughter's same-sex partner was giving birth to the couple's child. This new grandmother worried about her connection to the baby because the child wouldn't bear their name.

I was in the exact same situation with the same insecurities. Once you hold that child, it all melts away.-- Grateful

DEAR GRATEFUL: How wonderful. Thank you.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#2
Jun 24, 2014
 
1 Dude needs to man up, how does this stuff happen? Oh, right, poor parenting.

2 girl stuff

3 Yeah granny, thats what we said.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

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#3
Jun 24, 2014
 
L1. Yeah. It looks like the die has been cast. You need to put some calcium in your backbone.
But whatever you do, do not step in front of a Mack truck. That would not be fair to the driver of the truck.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#4
Jun 24, 2014
 

Judged:

1

1- if she wants to be an adult, she can act like one

2- you don't date your best friend's siblings, and you provide a good example of why
Pippa

Hancock, NY

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#5
Jun 24, 2014
 
loose cannon wrote:
L1. Yeah. It looks like the die has been cast. You need to put some calcium in your backbone.
But whatever you do, do not step in front of a Mack truck. That would not be fair to the driver of the truck.
I agree on both counts. But why only a Mack? There are other brands of trucks out there. But I get your point. My cousin was driving a tractor trailer loaded with stone a some decades past. As he rounded a curve in the road one early morning, he rammed into a car parked in the middle of the lane and killed both occupants - an older man and a small boy. The man had left a suicide note at his home. My cousin has had to live his entire life with the knowledge he killed these two people even though the man had set things up so this would happen.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#6
Jun 24, 2014
 
LW1: I don’t think that you are ready to do what Amy suggests, and I suspect there’s a deeper reason that your daughter acts out. I like your step-by-step approach. Do sign the car over to her and let her handle its expenses. Stick to your plan of charging her $20 per week. Then take the $20 she gives you, save it, and give it to her when she gets her own place. You need to step up and be a parent and that means preparing this young woman to live as an adult. Her mother just gave up. Kicking her out without giving her the proper tools is like throwing a child in the deep end of the pool and yelling,“SWIM!” Now, why is she working a minimum wage job 32 hours a week? She needs education and/or training so that she can earn a living wage. That is far more important than how clean her room is. Sit her down and ask her what her future plans are. Then listen. Tell her that she can stay with you if she enrolls in college or trade school. You also need to insist that she respects you. If she’s not going to be home, she needs to let you know so that you don’t worry. Pick your battles and don’t fret about her messy room. If you need help, see a family counselor.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#7
Jun 24, 2014
 
1. I agree with Amy
2. Your best friend is ticked because her brother is spending more time with you than he used to with her.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#8
Jun 24, 2014
 
PEllen wrote:
2. Your best friend is ticked because her brother is spending more time with you than he used to with her.
I find that unlikely and a bit creepy if true. Brothers and sisters don't typically "spend time" together. Especially if they're adults. I totally spend more time with my friends/girlfriend than I do with my sisters. Hell, they've gone whole summers without seeing me!

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#9
Jun 24, 2014
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I find that unlikely and a bit creepy if true. Brothers and sisters don't typically "spend time" together. Especially if they're adults. I totally spend more time with my friends/girlfriend than I do with my sisters. Hell, they've gone whole summers without seeing me!
I just assumed they were high school kids because of the situation

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#10
Jun 24, 2014
 
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
I just assumed they were high school kids because of the situation
I think if anything the friend would have resentment toward her brother for taking up her friend's time. Maybe that's why she's becoming distant. Maybe she asked the lw to go to a Bieber concert with her but she was like, "Sorry, I can't. I'm spending time with your brother in the back of his camero that night."

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#11
Jun 24, 2014
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I find that unlikely and a bit creepy if true. Brothers and sisters don't typically "spend time" together. Especially if they're adults. I totally spend more time with my friends/girlfriend than I do with my sisters. Hell, they've gone whole summers without seeing me!
I agree. Staying with the theme, she's more likely to be upset that the friend is spending less time with her and now spending time with her brother instead.

Maybe they used to tell each other all about the dudes they were dating and she has no interest in hearing about her brother. Perhaps she HAD her own social circle where she was away from her brother's prying eyes and now she's backing away cause she does ot like brother in her fly zone

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#12
Jun 24, 2014
 
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
I just assumed they were high school kids because of the situation
How does that change your answer? What HS boys do you know thqat spend tons of time with their sisters?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#13
Jun 24, 2014
 
Oh, and i think P's assessment is LESS likely if they are in hs than if they were adults.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#14
Jun 24, 2014
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
How does that change your answer? What HS boys do you know thqat spend tons of time with their sisters?
No one said tons of time. But actually I did spend more time with my sister in HS. Not one on one, more as in a group setting, her bf, his friends, my friends, we'd often go out and do stuff together. Of course, we were in the same grade, I could see that being less likely if we were three or four years apart

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#15
Jun 24, 2014
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
Oh, and i think P's assessment is LESS likely if they are in hs than if they were adults.
I think it's MORE likely. In HS, number one, they might have this attitude, two, they're less independent, they're under their parents' roof, maybe transportation is an issue, time spent with your friend is more important, etc. As adults, they should be busy enough with work and life than to worry about getting together with your friend all the time, and get all jealous that your friend is over at your brother's place this weekend. And I'll stand by my assessment that if they ARE adults, and the friend is vying for her brother's time, that's creepy. It's slightly creepy in HS too but at least immaturity can be an excuse
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#16
Jun 24, 2014
 

Judged:

1

1

2: What if LW is a bad gf and bf whines about her to his sis, who wants to stay out of it?
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

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#17
Jun 24, 2014
 

Judged:

1

Glance into a close up on LW2. LW2's friend:
(a) Doesn't like the stories her brother told LW2 about her as a smaller
child
(b) Knows how her brother treated some of his other girlfriends and
sees the same pattern repeating with LW2 (who currently thinks he's
"wonderful".
(c) Has had other disagreements with LW2 and her brother--and is outgrowing them both
or
(d) other

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#18
Jun 24, 2014
 

Judged:

1

edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I think it's MORE likely. In HS, number one, they might have this attitude, two, they're less independent, they're under their parents' roof, maybe transportation is an issue, time spent with your friend is more important, etc. As adults, they should be busy enough with work and life than to worry about getting together with your friend all the time, and get all jealous that your friend is over at your brother's place this weekend. And I'll stand by my assessment that if they ARE adults, and the friend is vying for her brother's time, that's creepy. It's slightly creepy in HS too but at least immaturity can be an excuse
I am way more open to spending time with my family as an adult than I was in hs. So the idea that the sister was upset about less face time with him is just silly to me.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

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#19
Jun 24, 2014
 

Judged:

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1

LW1 - I wonder: what do you do when you have given an adult offspring 6 weeks to find a new place to live (other than your house), and they don't? Do you change the locks while they are out? Carry them bodily out of the house? Call the police?

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