“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#41 Apr 29, 2014
RACE wrote:
Probably because traditionally the women keep custody of the children, and its generally accepted that the kids should not be uprooted during a divorce. Dont forget that the kids are a cash cow, so women tend to try and keep them. The fact that she is a cheating skank rarely changes this unless the father is willing to pay thru the nose in lawyer's fees to try and convince a judge otherwise.
<quoted text>
The youngest is in high school. Child support stops at 18. The cash cow/ custody point is a non- issue in this scenario.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#42 Apr 29, 2014
I was confusing this letter with another, but the same analysis holds true. LW is a student living away from home and makes reference to one sibling but does not say if that person is older/younger or still living at home. I think under the circumstances that if the sib were still at home, LW would have said something about that.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#43 Apr 29, 2014
RACE wrote:
Probably because traditionally the women keep custody of the children, and its generally accepted that the kids should not be uprooted during a divorce. Dont forget that the kids are a cash cow, so women tend to try and keep them. The fact that she is a cheating skank rarely changes this unless the father is willing to pay thru the nose in lawyer's fees to try and convince a judge otherwise.
<quoted text>
For every guy who things kids are cash cows (and I'm not talking about the ultra rich here), I would love for them to have to feed, clothe, pay for childcare while working, get them to and from school, pay for the activities, get up in the middle of the night, OTC meds, etc.

I actually have 2 male friends who got physical custody and they even realized that it's much cheaper not to have physical custody.

Some, I realize, neglect their kids and don't buy the clothes and food they need but that's in a different category to me.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#44 Apr 29, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>So when you come up with advice, is it not born out of what you think is the right thing to do? What you would do if you were in the same situation? Seems kinda hypocritical to offer "these messed up people" advice that you yourself would not follow
You have to speak to the circumstances first of all. Second of all, I believe we were talking about a possible scenario -- it's called an observation.

But what I initially said is what I believe is the right thing to do. Stay out of your parents marriage when it's obvious they are having marital problems to begin with. They obviously are aware there is a problem situation and it's up to them to fix it. Not their kids.

I do, however, understand the kid wanting to fix it. But they can't. And shouldn't.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#45 Apr 29, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
You have to speak to the circumstances first of all. Second of all, I believe we were talking about a possible scenario -- it's called an observation.
But what I initially said is what I believe is the right thing to do. Stay out of your parents marriage when it's obvious they are having marital problems to begin with. They obviously are aware there is a problem situation and it's up to them to fix it. Not their kids.
I do, however, understand the kid wanting to fix it. But they can't. And shouldn't.
i don't consider sharing information with your father about your mother's scandalous behavior to be "trying to fix their marriage". That could very well seal the divorce. To me, it is looking out for someone you care about and giving them a heads up. What dad does eith that info is up to him. If he already knows, no harm. If he doesn't at least now he can address this betrayal.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#46 Apr 29, 2014
That is the category I am referring to. And the rest of my statement still holds true, even if you wish to nit-pic the cash cow part.
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Some, I realize, neglect their kids and don't buy the clothes and food they need but that's in a different category to me.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#47 Apr 29, 2014
What does speak to the circumstances mean?
And what you initially said, is not a possibility for the LW, they already know secrets, so you instead (if I remember right) said to keep her trap shut, which is what Tonka is calling you out on. You dont seem to want to address that point.
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
You have to speak to the circumstances first of all. Second of all, I believe we were talking about a possible scenario -- it's called an observation.
But what I initially said is what I believe is the right thing to do. Stay out of your parents marriage when it's obvious they are having marital problems to begin with. They obviously are aware there is a problem situation and it's up to them to fix it. Not their kids.
I do, however, understand the kid wanting to fix it. But they can't. And shouldn't.
Kuuipo

Seaside, CA

#48 Apr 29, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Way to place the blame back on the man
<quoted text>
Grateful that he was told? And whether or not he already knows would be irrelevant to me. I'm bringing it up to him. If he already knows, fine, but I'm not factoring that into my decision to tell him
<quoted text>
'Cause his wife is a cheating succubus?
<quoted text>
Better to let the can of worms stew and simmer until they explode? Then dad finds out the daughter knew all along? Open that can of worms, baby! Open it wide!
1. I am not putting blame on the man. I am showing one possible context that LW has not considered. Another could be that his/her parents have an open marriage or agreement that s/he is not aware of.

2. You think dad would be grateful? I think he might be embarrassed and humiliated.

3. I totally agree that his wife/LW's mother is a cheating succubus and I am firmly against cheating regardless of the situation.

4. You open the can of worms. I am putting it back on the shelf in the back of the pantry. Dad already knows, IMHO, and I am SO not getting in the middle of my parent's drama.
Kuuipo

Seaside, CA

#49 Apr 29, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>so if the father cheated first, you think it ok for mom to sneak in a revenge f and keep that secret? I coild never keep that info to mysel if it involved someone i care about. If it was happening to me and people who are supposed to care about me knew all along and said nothing, my relationship with thay person would be changed forever and may even be completely over.
No, I absolutely do not think it's OK. Cheating is never OK, IMHO. Whatever problems you are having in your marriage, dragging a third or even a fourth party into it will not fix them. All it will do is make the breakup VERY nasty and possibly create lasting hostility. In this particular situation, we are talking about LW's PARENTS. JMHO, but I would never attempt to tell my mother how to behave, no matter how badly she was behaving.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#50 Apr 29, 2014
RACE wrote:
What does speak to the circumstances mean?
And what you initially said, is not a possibility for the LW, they already know secrets, so you instead (if I remember right) said to keep her trap shut, which is what Tonka is calling you out on. You dont seem to want to address that point.
<quoted text>
Once again you are trying to rile me up or perhaps you can't read. Call me out all you want but the fact is I have a differing opinion than Tonka.

I think I'm allowed that.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#51 Apr 29, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Once again you are trying to rile me up or perhaps you can't read. Call me out all you want but the fact is I have a differing opinion than Tonka.
I think I'm allowed that.
yeah. I'm right and you're wrong.

Nyah! Nyah! Nyah!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#52 Apr 29, 2014
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
1. I am not putting blame on the man. I am showing one possible context that LW has not considered. Another could be that his/her parents have an open marriage or agreement that s/he is not aware of.
2. You think dad would be grateful? I think he might be embarrassed and humiliated.
3. I totally agree that his wife/LW's mother is a cheating succubus and I am firmly against cheating regardless of the situation.
4. You open the can of worms. I am putting it back on the shelf in the back of the pantry. Dad already knows, IMHO, and I am SO not getting in the middle of my parent's drama.
point #2.
What's worse, dad being embarrassed if it turns out they have an open relationship or dad being betrayed while his daughter knew and kept it to herself?

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#53 Apr 29, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>yeah. I'm right and you're wrong.
Nyah! Nyah! Nyah!
:D Thanks for the laugh!

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#54 Apr 29, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>point #2.
What's worse, dad being embarrassed if it turns out they have an open relationship or dad being betrayed while his daughter knew and kept it to herself?
If it was my ex? Who this whole thing just played out a few months ago on him (sorta, a few elements a bit different)-- it's better that dad feels betrayed b/c the dad is bat-shyte-crazy and would (and is) blaming the wife and the offspring (whether they knew it or not).

The reason why I know? EVERYONE (practically) on the planet knows. The whole town where he lives knows b/c he had the police and fire over to his house when he went bat-shyte-crazy (probably the neighbors called). The fire chief told him who it was b/c he was blaming the fire chief. No lie. I couldn't think this crap up. I'm pretty sure he was cheating on her, too. Most likely. But, yannow, I really don't care personally.(And I do not live in the town they do.)

Eh. He married a woman who cheated on her husband (his former best friend) so it's not like he should have been surprised.

I could write a book. Whether that book would be a dark comedy or an all out tradegy would all depend on the point of view of the reader.

The thing is -- I didn't WANT to know.(sigh) But what the heck. Makes a great (weird) example on Topix.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#55 Apr 29, 2014
Sorry, Neither.
I am just asking you to reconcile how you would tell this person to keep their yap shut, but at the same time say that if your kid knew your husband was cheating you would want them to tell you.

And yes, this is the same thing Tonka is asking you, just worded differently.
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Once again you are trying to rile me up or perhaps you can't read. Call me out all you want but the fact is I have a differing opinion than Tonka.
I think I'm allowed that.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#56 Apr 29, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
I disagree with edogg that kids have a right to know what's going on in their parents relationship. I don't want to know or get in the middle of their problems. When my parents looked like they were going to get a divorce a few years ago, I said that verbatim to my mom. This is between the 2 of you.
Let ME be clear. When your parents were gonna split a few years ago, you were on your own with your own family. The girl in the letter, while currently away at school, is still likely being supported by her parents, still has her own room in their house, and their actions can directly involve her. Big difference. And having a right to know what's going on in your parents' marriage is vastly different from "getting in the middle of their problems." And I think even adult children on their own have a right to know what's going on in their parents' marriage. Otherwise, Thanksgiving could get a little awkward, "Gee, mom, where's dad?"

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#57 Apr 29, 2014
RACE wrote:
Sorry, Neither.
I am just asking you to reconcile how you would tell this person to keep their yap shut, but at the same time say that if your kid knew your husband was cheating you would want them to tell you.
And yes, this is the same thing Tonka is asking you, just worded differently.
<quoted text>
Pondering it some more, I'm not so sure I'd want my child to tell me b/c I would not want to know that burden was placed on him.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#58 Apr 29, 2014
I've been pretty consistent that the kids should not be involved in the parents' marriage.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#59 Apr 29, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Let ME be clear. When your parents were gonna split a few years ago, you were on your own with your own family. The girl in the letter, while currently away at school, is still likely being supported by her parents, still has her own room in their house, and their actions can directly involve her. Big difference. And having a right to know what's going on in your parents' marriage is vastly different from "getting in the middle of their problems." And I think even adult children on their own have a right to know what's going on in their parents' marriage. Otherwise, Thanksgiving could get a little awkward, "Gee, mom, where's dad?"
Still disagree. If dad cheats on mom, but they have decided to try to work thru it, it is your contention that Jr deserves to know? That's none of his business until it directly affects him, as I they are divorcing and his life and living conditions change. Children are not entitled to know the sordid details of their parents marital problems. Good parents try to shield their kids from this type of conflict, not purposely involve them.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#60 Apr 29, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Still disagree. If dad cheats on mom, but they have decided to try to work thru it, it is your contention that Jr deserves to know? That's none of his business until it directly affects him, as I they are divorcing and his life and living conditions change. Children are not entitled to know the sordid details of their parents marital problems. Good parents try to shield their kids from this type of conflict, not purposely involve them.
100% agree.

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