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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Apr 28, 2014
DEAR AMY: I'm a student living away from home. My parents have had some marriage difficulties. About two years ago, they told my sibling and me that they were thinking of separating.

At Christmas this year, my parents announced that my father would be moving out of the house. The next day, they took this back, and it was very confusing to us. Last summer my mother ran away from our home for the night. She lied about the trip, saying that it was for business, but we soon found out that it wasn't.

Since then I have been very suspicious that she is cheating. I have logged on to her Facebook account to read her private messages. I discovered that she is having "sexy" conversations with a man in town and sending him nude photographs.

I feel very guilty about invading her privacy, but I feel more upset at my mother for doing this while still married to my father. I consider this cheating.

I'm afraid to bring up this topic with my mother because it involves my disclosing information that I invade her privacy on a frequent basis (to check these Facebook messages). And I don't want to tell my father to save him from this pain. I feel quite guilty for not telling him and also afraid of my mother's wrath if I tell her.

What should I do? Which one do I bring this up with first? Or should I stay out of it?-- Distressed Daughter

DEAR DAUGHTER: Marriage is complicated. So, sometimes, is cheating. But don't double-down on your mother's cheating by being dishonest and sneaky.

I understand your motives, but you are jumping to conclusions based on evidence with absolutely no context.

If you had access to the whole truth you might find: Your father already knows about this, and they are trying to work things out. Or perhaps your father's own Facebook messages are also inappropriate and adulterous.

Even if your conclusions are 100 percent correct, are you prepared and able to leap into the middle of your parents' relationship to confront and/or comfort them? This is waaaaaay above your "pay grade."

I suggest you tell your mother that you are aware of her activity on Facebook. Assume that she will be appalled at your sneakiness. Tell her you are confused by what they have put you through.

This is a big mess, but your parents -- not you --are going to have to figure things out.

DEAR AMY: My daughter's in-laws have made it known that they only want Easter pictures of her new baby by herself and not with her brother (who is from a previous marriage).

The baby is 6 months old, and the brother is 7 years old.

My daughter is very upset. How should she handle this?-- Sad Gran

DEAR GRAN: The implication here is that these grandparents don't want to see your daughter's children as "real" siblings or as equal grandchildren and that there is only room enough on their refrigerator (or in their hearts) for their bio-granddaughter.

Your daughter should start by asking her in-laws why they only want a photo of the baby alone. Perhaps they have a logical reason.

These grandparents may not understand what a tender issue this can be for a family that is working hard to blend and be "real." Or perhaps they do understand, and they're being thoughtless and hurtful.

Your daughter (and especially her husband) will have to help them understand that this family is a unit and that the brother and sister are like other brothers and sisters -- photographed together during happy holidays.

The parents should not tolerate exclusion but should also give these grandparents time to catch on.

DEAR AMY: The recent letter from "Upset" really upset me. She detailed a relationship in which she was now "hooking up" with a former boyfriend who simply treated her like a booty call.

And yet, she was pining to be with him.

I was in a relationship like this, and it took literally years from my life. I hope Upset gets a clue.-- Survivor

DEAR SURVIVOR: She wrote to me for a reason. I hope clue-getting followed publication.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Apr 28, 2014
1 Welcome to life kid. Now MYOB and focus on college.

2 How about they get NO pictures? Just say you did not have any of their genetic offspring alone.

3 Oh, Please! Survivor? How about "Stupid Booty Call" The guy treats her like a free wh ore because thats exactly how she is acting! It's not the guys fault you're cheap and easy.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Apr 28, 2014
Lw1: you already got your hands dirty, but want a clean pian free way out. There isn't one.

Lw2: i like race's answer, but they'll just ask you to take one. Hubby needs to address this.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#4 Apr 28, 2014
1- how'd you get her password? If she gave it to you, it's hardly snooping. But are you a licensed marriage counselor? Didn't think so. Talk to your mom and your dad and say you know there's something going on and if there's anything they need to tell you

2- Exactly, don't give them any. Or just give them pictures of both and tell them to suck it.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#5 Apr 28, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
Lw1: you already got your hands dirty, but want a clean pian free way out. There isn't one.
Lw2: i like race's answer, but they'll just ask you to take one. Hubby needs to address this.
I agree with both your answers. I was thinking that I'd like to send them a photo of their granddaughter's back. That would be their last sight of her the next time they indicate they don't think her brother is her brother and worthy of being in photographs with her. Discriminating against their step-grandson is also a great way to alienate their granddaughter. She won't thank them for "being mean" to her brother as she grows up. And that's how she'll interpret their behavior to him - as being mean. Maybe that should be part of their son's argument with them when he tells them to behave better toward "his" son. At least I do hope he thinks of this boy as his child to love by now.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#6 Apr 28, 2014
1: You are entering adulthood and I hope this situation will teach you how to be a better adult. You messed up and if the end product is that you learn to behave better in the future and be more understanding of other people's mistakes, then you will have learned a lesson. One thing I think most people learn at some point in their lives is that no one, not even their beloved parents, are perfect. But neither are we perfect. You may as well confess to your mom and apologize. She may or may not give you an explanation but you shouldn't press her for one. It was none of your business and remains none of your business. You wouldn't want your parents interfering in your marriage some day so stay out of theirs.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#7 Apr 28, 2014
L1: Isn't your marriage. Although it hurts you, you need to let them have their own marriage. Your parents will always be your parents no matter what. Do NOT get involved.

L2: The daughter could tell the in-laws that they only have family pictures and not individual pictures.

L3: It took you years...

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#8 Apr 28, 2014
Toj wrote:
L1: Isn't your marriage. Although it hurts you, you need to let them have their own marriage. Your parents will always be your parents no matter what. Do NOT get involved.
..
too late. She already got involved by snooping. Now she knows about her mother's nekkid photo friend. You saying she should keep that to herself since its not her marriage? What if she was not snooping and saw one of her parents making out with someone else right before they ducked into a hotel room? Not her marriage? Keep it to herself? Stay out was good advice til she snooped and came across those fb messages.

At this point staying out = betraying her father.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Apr 28, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>too late. She already got involved by snooping. Now she knows about her mother's nekkid photo friend. You saying she should keep that to herself since its not her marriage? What if she was not snooping and saw one of her parents making out with someone else right before they ducked into a hotel room? Not her marriage? Keep it to herself? Stay out was good advice til she snooped and came across those fb messages.
At this point staying out = betraying her father.
She's not the one betraying. Her mother is. If she can't get it out of her mind then she has to talk to her mother but with the real sense that she's treading on something she has no business directing. She's simply a bystander. Unfortunately, innocent bystanders get hurt sometimes.
Kuuipo

Elizabethtown, KY

#10 Apr 28, 2014
LW1: Amy first says that LW's leaping into the middle of LW's parents marriage is "above her pay grade" and then suggests doing just that by admitting to her FB snooping. I say butt out. I'd bet the rent that LW's father already knows what is going on. And I totally agree with Pippa. At some point, we need to deal with the fact that our parents are not perfect. Life is not a sitcom. So, LW, quit snooping, leave it alone, and let your parents solve their problems on their own.

LW2: Amy got this one right. My beautiful Aunt embraces all of her grandchildren, biologically related or not, and treats them all the same. She has pics of all of them in her home.

LW3: You teach people how to treat you.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#11 Apr 28, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
She's not the one betraying. Her mother is. If she can't get it out of her mind then she has to talk to her mother but with the real sense that she's treading on something she has no business directing. She's simply a bystander. Unfortunately, innocent bystanders get hurt sometimes.
She discovered her mother is cheating. Doesn't she then have an obligation to at least bring it up to her mother, or even tell her dad?

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#12 Apr 28, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
She discovered her mother is cheating. Doesn't she then have an obligation to at least bring it up to her mother, or even tell her dad?
I don't think she has an obligation. You might believe so.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#13 Apr 28, 2014
L1I don't do FB, so help me out here. I assume LW went on FB, went to her mom's home page and found links to the pictures no snooping required. If that happened the mom is flaunting matters and the dad can and should be told. Presumably he could do the same FB thing and see for himself.

If the LW did anything else, such as use her mom's password or other snooping, LW should pay the price by keeping her information to herself and staying out of her parent's marriage, at least for now

L2 I agree with Poppa

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#14 Apr 28, 2014
I agree with PIPPA.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#15 Apr 28, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
I don't think she has an obligation. You might believe so.
if you saw you best friend's husband making out with another woman, you would not tell her what you saw? If you would tell her, how could you not tell your own father?

How would you feel about a friend that saw your husband cheating, but said nothing to you?

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#16 Apr 28, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>if you saw you best friend's husband making out with another woman, you would not tell her what you saw? If you would tell her, how could you not tell your own father?
How would you feel about a friend that saw your husband cheating, but said nothing to you?
Yes, I would. Not out of obligation but out of friendship.

The second happened.(shrug)

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#17 Apr 28, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Yes, I would. Not out of obligation but out of friendship.
The second happened.(shrug)
But now you think the girl shouldn't say anything to her father? Don't you think that's a form of betrayal?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#18 Apr 28, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Yes, I would. Not out of obligation but out of friendship.
The second happened.(shrug)
i still can't connect those dots. You would tell your friend out of friendship, but leave your dad in the dark?

And you said it happened to you. Is your relationship with that person the same as before that occured?

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#19 Apr 28, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
But now you think the girl shouldn't say anything to her father? Don't you think that's a form of betrayal?
No. I don't. She has no idea of context, what really is going on in the marriage, plus she is the child of the two and should not have snooped about her parents' marriage in the first place.

Do I understand how some people would feel they need to tell? Absolutely, I could understand that.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#20 Apr 28, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
No. I don't. She has no idea of context, what really is going on in the marriage, plus she is the child of the two and should not have snooped about her parents' marriage in the first place.
Do I understand how some people would feel they need to tell? Absolutely, I could understand that.
i agree that she should not have snooped. But that milk has been spilled. Context? I think the context of nekkid photos and 'sexy' conversations is quite clear.

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