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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Oct 9, 2012
DEAR ABBY: Many women like surprises. Most men don't. My wife can't understand that. She recently "surprised" me by informing me she had made non-refundable arrangements for us to visit a foreign country. She said I had once mentioned that I'd like to see it. I have no recollection of saying so, but I suppose it's possible.

Abby, I am physically barely able to endure such travel. My balance is bad and walking is extremely painful for my legs and hips. I wish she would have discussed her plan with me in advance. It's possible she wanted very much to go and suspected I'd tell her it would be unwise for me to do it.

Now that we're locked in, I'll go. But if it becomes too arduous, I'll tell her that we're going to have to leave the group and return home immediately. Perhaps that would help her understand that she should talk to me about a plan that includes me before implementing it. Abby, can you comment?-- GOT AN UNWELCOME SURPRISE

DEAR SURPRISE: What your wife did was wrong; she's well aware of your physical limitations. Foreign travel isn't cheap. Before laying out sizable chunks of money, most couples discuss the expense. I think your method of handling the situation is a good one, particularly if no accommodations can be made for your disability by the company arranging the trip.

P.S. I'm advising you to get travel insurance well in advance.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in love with a beautiful woman. She's divorced with two kids, 15 and 17. I believe the 15-year-old boy is feeling threatened by my presence. He has become very "clingy" to his mother and tries to get between us.

I love both of her kids and treat them like my own. I know it's a delicate situation and I want to do the right thing. The disrespect he shows me is becoming an issue, and I know his mother won't do anything about it. I have mentioned it a few times and nothing has changed.

I know she would be crushed if I ended this relationship, because recently she asked me to move in by Christmas. Marriage has been discussed prior to or shortly thereafter. Please help.-- DISRESPECTED IN OHIO

DEAR DISRESPECTED: Do not move in with this woman unless she first agrees to premarital counseling with you to ensure that you're both on the same page regarding parenting, and then family counseling with her children. As much as you care about them, you are not their parent. Because your ladyfriend appears to ignore problems when they arise, without counseling nothing will change. Be warned.

DEAR ABBY: Our son and daughter-in-law have invited us for Thanksgiving in another state. We'll fly there with my husband's mother.

Recently my daughter-in-law mentioned that we may all (11 of us) be going to some sort of buffet instead of making the dinner at their home. We would also end up paying for the meal.

I would much rather cook for them than eat and pay for a Thanksgiving meal at a buffet or restaurant. How can we get this across to our son and daughter-in-law without hurting their feelings?-- NO BUFFET FOR US IN LEAVENWORTH, KAN.

DEAR NO BUFFET: How about saying it in plain English? Tell them you would be glad to prepare the dinner, and if your daughter-in-law would help you, the task wouldn't be onerous for either of you.

P.S. Unless the men are "all thumbs" in the kitchen, they could pitch in, too. Multigenerational rituals are the glue that keep a family together.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#2 Oct 9, 2012
L1: This isn't about surprises or foreign vacations, it's about communication and respect. Get some.

L2: How long have you been dating? How long has she been divorced? I need more info, but based on what we've got, Abby's advice is good.

L3: Haha, Abby! "Plain English"! You'd be out of a job if everyone did that.
:)

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#3 Oct 9, 2012
LW3 - This letter strikes a cord with me because for over 20 years I prepared the Christmas Eve supper at my home. Also, up to 5 people stayed at my house for a couple of nights. 2 years ago, we all realized that 10 people were traveling to visit 3 people and decided to have Christmas Eve where the most people lived. Because of housing circumstances we arranged to have a dinner done by the assisted living with a private dining room. This was such a good solution! No one had to do anything and it lifted a burden that we didn't know even existed. It is great to drive 2 hours, eat good food others have prepared, open presents, and drive home. On one level I miss Christmas Eve at my home but I've really enjoyed less work.
This woman needs to go with the flow and enjoy her family time together.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#4 Oct 9, 2012
L1: Meh, your plan is good. Why write to Abby? You don't appear to be the typical basket case that writes in.....

L2: Run, don't walk! She appears to be clueless. Me thinks she's an empty-headed pretty girl and has nothing but her looks going for her!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#5 Oct 9, 2012
LW1: This is like those silly commercials where a wife wakes up on Christmas morning to find a brand new car with a bow on it. I just can't imagine making a purchase of any significant cost without discussing it with my wife first.
LW2: "I love both of her kids and treat them like my own."
Fantastic.
"I know it's a delicate situation and I want to do the right thing." Wonderful.
"The disrespect he shows me is becoming an issue, and I know his mother won't do anything about it...she asked me to move in by Christmas."
You need to make it clear that you will not move in to a house where you are routinely disrespected by her son. She needs to get him on board with the gameplan before you move in. Hoping the problem goes away has not worked.

LW3: Hah! What suckers. I invite you to shell out your hard earned cash to come visit me for the holiday, so you can take me out to dinner...and pay for everyone!

DIL & son + mom, dada and grandma = 5 people. Who are the other 6 people you would be expected to pay for?

And you're worried about hurting THEIR feelings?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#6 Oct 9, 2012
Shari23 wrote:
This woman needs to go with the flow and enjoy her family time together.
Go with the flow? Its one thing if someone else is paying for it, but that's a complete crock of shit when plans are made without consulting you and you're expected to pay for it.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#7 Oct 9, 2012
1- Quitcherbitchin!

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#8 Oct 9, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Go with the flow? Its one thing if someone else is paying for it, but that's a complete crock of shit when plans are made without consulting you and you're expected to pay for it.
I didn't read that she had to pay for everyone. I read it that they would pay for theirs' which would probably be cheaper than buying the groceries for all eleven people. So you are getting upset over nothing.
pde

Homer Glen, IL

#9 Oct 9, 2012
Saluki Rod wrote:
L1: Meh, your plan is good. Why write to Abby? You don't appear to be the typical basket case that writes in.....
I think he just wanted to complain but has nobody to complain to.

Anyhow, if his wife booked the travel through one of the organizations that specialize in senior travel, they are highly accommodating. My husband's grandparents traveled Europe using those services through their 80s, and they both had pretty bad mobility issues during part of that time.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 Oct 9, 2012
Shari23 wrote:
<quoted text>
I didn't read that she had to pay for everyone. I read it that they would pay for theirs' which would probably be cheaper than buying the groceries for all eleven people. So you are getting upset over nothing.
If that was the case, then yeah, just go out to dinner. But it sounded to me like lw would be expected to pay for the 11.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#11 Oct 9, 2012
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
I think he just wanted to complain but has nobody to complain to.
He should join Topix
Sam I Am

Schaumburg, IL

#12 Oct 9, 2012
1. Tell her to take a friend and that planning a trip abroad is a little more than going out for dinner, y'd like to be in on the plans.

2. Her kids are always going to come first, and they should, but she is (apparently) doing a poor job of helping her son cope with the presence of a new f-buddy. Just tell her that you like where things are going, but you are not going to do anything to make what is already a strained situation with her son worse so either she addresses that or you are stalled.

3. Wait, what?!? They want you to fly there AND pay for a meal for 11 people? How dumb are you? You don't invite someone then expect them to host. How dim is your son and how lazy and dense is your DIL?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#13 Oct 9, 2012
1 Your wife is trying to hurry you into the grave, I suspect your worth more dead than alive.

2 You need to beat that welp into shape!

3 who would fly to some distant city on thanksgiving to eat at the golden corral?

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#14 Oct 9, 2012
RACE wrote:
3 who would fly to some distant city on thanksgiving to eat at the golden corral?
I drive to my dad's to eat Boston Market. I ain't offering to cook...

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#15 Oct 9, 2012
LW1-the snarky answer: Maybe if you took the stick out of your butt, you'd be able to walk better.

LW1-the trying to be helpful answer: Try and enjoy as much of your vacation as possible and enjoy the company of your wife, who after all, did this to be nice.

LW2: Do not move in until this is settled.

LW3: Maybe their kitchen SUCKS and the stove is so small they couldn't fit a turkey for 11 in it. Try and be a little flexible.
Sam I Am

Schaumburg, IL

#16 Oct 9, 2012
RACE wrote:
1 Your wife is trying to hurry you into the grave, I suspect your worth more dead than alive.
2 You need to beat that welp into shape!
3 who would fly to some distant city on thanksgiving to eat at the golden corral?
Who would cross the stree to eat at Golden Corral?
pde

Homer Glen, IL

#17 Oct 9, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>He should join Topix
As in that we read all these letters through our personal biases, he sounds like a few older male relatives I know. They sit around the house and gripe that they "never do anything" but refuse to participate in/actively ignore any planning, then get surprised and insulted if something is then planned.

I figure that if someone is writing to Abby/Amy for validation in something like this, it's because their warped point of view isn't being validated by anyone in real life.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#18 Oct 9, 2012
Sam I Am wrote:
<quoted text>
Who would cross the stree to eat at Golden Corral?
My wife made the silly recommendation that we take the kids to Golden Corral. I was like "huh?". I can't even remember the seneseless reasoning she had in her head. I said Golden Corral is for when you are a poor college student looking for quantity, not quality. Thankfully, we are in a position where quality comes first. We've been together for over 10 years and have not been to a golden corral once. Not sure why this idea popped into her head.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#19 Oct 9, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>If that was the case, then yeah, just go out to dinner. But it sounded to me like lw would be expected to pay for the 11.
Then that would be rude on the son's part. Our family just splits the cost but we are just driving in. Since the mom, dad and grandmother are flying in, the son should pay for them, since they have airfares and possibly hotel costs.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#20 Oct 9, 2012
L1. You're just bound and determined to have a bad time.
Don't go.

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