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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#21 Mar 19, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
If they had to move out of the apartment cause neither had a job, where was this rent to the in-laws coming from? That's my take.
Unemployment insurance
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#22 Mar 19, 2014
1: You and your husband may be adults but you don't seem to be entirely acting that way. Here's a clue. If you or your husband were single and moved back home to live with mom and dad, you'd be subject to their house rules. Their house, their rules. That's just the way it works. Even though you're married with kids, the same applies. You may be paying rent and for your food, but you are still under their roof sharing their living space. You are not living in separate quarters. That said, your m-i-l sounds as though she's being unreasonable - at least from your perspective. She may see a lazy woman whose kids are rude, disobedient, or even completely out of control. Did you ask your husband if she is expecting the same thing from her grandchildren as she expected from him? If so, you shouldn't be surprised. This is how she expects kids to behave. I knew a woman whose son and his family lived in the upstairs apartment in her house. She said the kids were very badly behaved. I knew them and had to agree. She said they learned proper behavior when they came downstairs to visit her. They learned to behave one way, with respect, in her home but behaved in their usual way in their parents' home. I told her I'd found the same situation with kids in school; they learned that certain behavior and language for example might be ok with their parents but was inappropriate in school. Most usually learned to adapt to a second set of rules. Maybe your m-i-l is actually doing you a favor by insisting your kids behave. We don't really know what the specific things are that you are complaining about. You may be entirely in the right about what's going on. The lack of specific examples make me suspicious. My advice? If you don't already have one, get at least a part time job when your husband is home to supervise the kids. I don't see you being happy about grandma babysitting them. Save up enough money for the first month rent and security and move out of your in-law's house. Be polite to your in-laws. They didn't have to let you move in with them and to have you there for possibly close to a year is very patient and kind on their parts.

Oh yes, in regard to your b-i-l: Is he supposed to be taking medication for his condition? Is he taking it? You might talk to your in-laws in a calm, non-confrontational manner about this. I assume the b-i-l is an adult. His parents may not have the control over his medication that they'd like to have. Consider that his condition is already stressful for these people. Having your family living there can only add to that stress. Perhaps family counseling would help all of you learn how to cope with his illness. My husband and I took our adult son for family counseling to help him learn how to cope with situations that always caused him frustration which would lead to his acting out in inappropriate ways. My husband and I learned some ways to help him cope with those issues and how we ourselves could help. Believe me, life is so much better now. Perhaps this kind of thing could work for your family. I suggest that if it's possible, you, your husband, in-laws and b-i-l seek counseling regarding the b-i-l's condition. It would help him as well as the rest of you. I've heard that when one member of a family has a mental illness, the whole family has an illness since the relative's illness affects them all.
blunt advice

Summit, NJ

#23 Mar 19, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>lw1: Why do you think she has no job? She says they pay the inlaws rent. If hubby had no job, that money comes from her paycheck unless they are robbing liquor stores when rent is due
Unemployment. Also welfare if they get it.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#24 Mar 19, 2014
2: I agree that it's more tacky to expect a hostess gift and complain to someone about not getting one (as in writing to Amy to get her "professional" blessing for your bad attitude) than it is for a guest to show up without a hostess gift.

3: So what's wrong with this? I can see that in some situations where friends/family are pulling you this way and that over how your wedding should be put together, it might be better to simply tell them that you cannot do everything they want without upsetting others or that it is not within your set plans, timetable or budget. But in some situations, you just have to give up and elope. We've seen this before and I don't see it as tacky at all. Perhaps it's the Las Vegas drive through wedding that is thought to be tacky. It would not be my cup of tea but I'm not the one whose wedding it is. My husband and I eloped by going to a JP and having my sister and b-i-l as witnesses. It would have been far too stressful to do anything else at the time. Since we've been married 42 years, I still say it's the marriage and not the size of the wedding that's important.
blunt advice

Summit, NJ

#25 Mar 19, 2014
1. I feel for the MIL here. With a bipolar son, and now all these extra people she must be a saint. When you pay the mortgage, taxes, utilities, food.....you make the rules.

2. Sounds like the one time date got sick of him too. Does he do anything good? If he is a complete freeloader encourage your husband to broaden his circle of friends to include those not selfish. If his only quirk is not bringing food to your dinners then let it go.

3. That's nice. Tens of thousands of dollars saved. But what is your question.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#26 Mar 19, 2014
1. LW does not say what she is doing to help the situation financially but if the kids are very young she might be a SAHM by choice. The MIL sounds like a royal pain, but LW is adding to the dynamic.

Here are a couple other observations: apples don't fall far from trees. Watch what your FIL does because that will predict how your husband will act. Relatives don't disappear. Unless you are going to shun them entirely you need to figure out a tolerable work around. Your MIL will pull the power stunt if she ever babysits the kids in the future.

2. There comes a point when you can feel taken advantage of , even by good friends. Be specific to Joey when you know he is coming over. Anyone can buy a bag of salad greens and a tomato or a tub of ice cream if only they are asked. It is not a ticket of admission, but he wasn't raised to heed social clues.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#27 Mar 19, 2014
blunt advice wrote:
<quoted text> Unemployment. Also welfare if they get it.
I could see that. But just as she did not explicitly mention her having a job, she does not mention this scenario. Left to make assumptions, I made mine.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#28 Mar 19, 2014
LW1: Scrimp and save and move out ASAP. And when you are finally out, don't feel bad about not having a good relationship with these people. They treated you poorly in a time of need and they get what they give. And it's not like you're going to be using them for daycare with the bi-polar brother hanging around. Thank them for their "help" and cut your losses.

LW2: Team Sub and Toj. What a b!tch.

LW3: I wonder if Elvis married them...

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#29 Mar 19, 2014
Really?
You think she is allowed to dictate how the kids are raised? Who does the dishes or takes out the trash? Does she get to set bed times, or nooky nights?
And they pay rent, which gives them certain legal rights, even if the MIL does not want to acknowledge them.
blunt advice wrote:
1. I feel for the MIL here. With a bipolar son, and now all these extra people she must be a saint. When you pay the mortgage, taxes, utilities, food.....you make the rules.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#30 Mar 19, 2014
PEllen wrote:
Here are a couple other observations: apples don't fall far from trees. Watch what your FIL does because that will predict how your husband will act. Relatives don't disappear. Unless you are going to shun them entirely you need to figure out a tolerable work around.
I so very much agree with this. My daughter's best friend from college married a guy she'd dated for years and thought she knew him. I told my daughter the marriage was unlikely to last. It didn't. They had totally different perspectives on life. She is a liberal democrat who was raised by parents who were extremely charitable. She had been raised abroad in third world countries where her dad was a doctor in some organization - Doctors Without Borders or something of the sort. She planned the same life for herself. The husband was from an ultra conservative Republican family and he shared their views. He was a multi-millionaire in his own right and had been trading stocks since his teens. His dad was a supremely controlling man who expected everyone, including his wife and kids, to jump when he said jump. His wife was reputedly the most timid woman in the world. The FIL paid for an expensive destination wedding to an exotic location which included a week's vacation there for the guests. He got angry when his son who was giving some instructions to a hotel employee didn't immediately stop and pay attention to his dad when the dad entered the room. His father and mother (at the dad's insistence) did not attend the wedding they had paid for because the dad was still mad at his son. My daughter's friend thought her bf/husband was different from his dad but he turned out to have the same attitude and controlling behavior. She decided she didn't want to spend the rest of her life that way and asked for a divorce. He beat her up and she ended up as a patient in the same hospital in which she'd been doing her residency. So yeah, the apple does not often fall far from the tree.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#31 Mar 19, 2014
LW1: Get an iPod and load your favorite tunes on it. Wear it whenever you are in the presence of your MIL or BIL. Tune them out, literally. Focus on the music. Stop talking, begging, crying, and engaging in arguments. Think of some creative ways to make extra money. Maybe you can do some house-sitting or pet-sitting. And of course, get out ASAP.

LW2: So this has been going on for years and you think you can change the dynamic now? The only thing you can change is your attitude. Joey is your husband's friend. Hosting him is reciprocating the friendship that he has given to your husband. Accept and value him as friends do with each other.

LW3: Eloping is the perfect solution to the warring family members problem.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#32 Mar 19, 2014
1: Does she work? Relying on one income and having kids you can't afford is dangerous. Honestly, a ghetto apartment with 1 bedroom or a freaking floor is better than this toxic situation!

2: GAH--really? Gifts are optional! This gift-giving grab is so gross and obnoxious. My friends and I come and go with each other and never have to bring a gift every flaming time. the pressure is off.
This lady is a jerk, period.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#33 Mar 19, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
in my experience, shower gifts are not a substitue for a wedding gift. You go to a shower you bring a gift. You go to a wedding. Another gift.
Right, but maybe you're invited to the shower, or bachelor party, and give a gift, expecting to be invited to the wedding. When you find out they blew EVERYONE off and eloped, that could cause you to feel slighted.

Sorry, but unless they planned to elope in the first place, and let everyone know about it, okay. But to plan everything, at the last minute say screw it, and elope, that's a btch move on their part.

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