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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Apr 17, 2014
DEAR ABBY: I am a 34-year-old wife and mother of four. I'm concerned about my husband. He is 44 and drinks at home every evening after work.

I don't mind him having a few cans of beer, but he drinks between six and 12 a day. He refuses to see a doctor for checkups or when he is sick. I am worried about his health. The drinking could have an impact, and I would like him to have a physical exam to put my mind at ease.

I tell my husband I want him to take care of himself to live longer for our children's sake (our youngest is 4). At times, we argue about it, and I'm tired of fighting over his drinking. His response is, "At least I do it at home and not at the bar."

I think he is being selfish and thinking only of himself. He talks about "pride." How can I get him to cut down on his drinking or see a doctor as needed?-- WORRIED WIFE IN GUAM

DEAR WIFE: Your husband is an alcoholic. He may not want to see a doctor because he knows what the doctor will tell him. It is important that you understand you cannot control another person's behavior, and the only person who can "get" your husband to stop drinking or cut down is him.

For your own emotional well-being, I'm advising you to contact Al-Anon. Al-Anon is a fellowship of family members and friends of alcoholics, and it was created to help people just like you. You may also want to contact your department of mental health services for guidance. I can't guarantee that it will help with your husband's illness -- because alcoholism is one -- but it will help you to cope.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 13 and in middle school. We have a program called an iPad Pilot Program in which students are given an iPad for a year to use in daily classroom activities. I'm a responsible honor student, yet somehow some scratches appeared on it one day.

My parents are really tight with money. I'm afraid if I tell them, I'll get in trouble. I have some video games I don't play anymore that I can sell to fix the scratches, but if I do, my parents will find out. I guess I don't want them to be upset or think I'm irresponsible. Please tell me what to do.-- IN A BIND

DEAR IN A BIND: Some wear and tear on items that are issued to students is to be expected. Stop stalling and tell your parents what happened. They are going to find out eventually, and it is better that they hear it from you.

DEAR ABBY: I recently moved into a lovely house located not far from a funeral home. From time to time, funeral processions pass by my house.

Is there a way for an outsider to quietly pay respects without making the people in the procession uncomfortable? I feel bad ignoring them and just going about my business. I don't wear hats, or I'd remove it. I'm also not Catholic, so the sign of the cross doesn't seem appropriate. Any ideas?-- RESPECTFUL IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR RESPECTFUL: While no gesture is required, if you happen to be outside when a funeral procession passes by, pause from what you're doing and place your right hand over your heart to acknowledge the mourners' grief. I'm sure your thoughtfulness will be appreciated.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Detroit, MI

#2 Apr 17, 2014
1- He's got a nagging wife and four bratty kids, no wonder he drinks every night

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#3 Apr 17, 2014
L1. He sounds like a chronic alcoholic. He's probably got a decent sized beer belly going on too.
But alcoholism is not a disease. It is a weakness.
I guarantee that if alcoholism was not as prevalent as it is, it would not be considered a disease but rather a crime similar to that of narcotics abuse.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#4 Apr 17, 2014
1 Lightweight!

2 Sheit happens, It's ok.

3 Abby is right, but I doubt peeps are looking at you, well, maybe the kids.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#5 Apr 17, 2014
Lw1- first, go to Al-Anon. Second, start getting things in order so that you can leave him and raise your kids in a healthier environment. Your job is to be a good role model to your children and actively raise them, and your husband is failing miserably.

Maybe if your husband sees that there are consequences to his actions, he will be motivated to change them.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Detroit, MI

#6 Apr 17, 2014
loose cannon wrote:
L1. He sounds like a chronic alcoholic. He's probably got a decent sized beer belly going on too.
But alcoholism is not a disease. It is a weakness.
I guarantee that if alcoholism was not as prevalent as it is, it would not be considered a disease but rather a crime similar to that of narcotics abuse.
Calling it a weakness is an insult to those afflicted. Alcoholism can be hereditary, and a problem with brain function where people physically cannot control their drinking without help from meds or whatever else. It fits all the criteria of a "disease"

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Detroit, MI

#7 Apr 17, 2014
ScarletandOlive wrote:
Lw1- first, go to Al-Anon. Second, start getting things in order so that you can leave him and raise your kids in a healthier environment. Your job is to be a good role model to your children and actively raise them, and your husband is failing miserably.
Maybe if your husband sees that there are consequences to his actions, he will be motivated to change them.
Sounds a little harsh for a man who just wants to relax with a few cold ones after a hard day at work

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#8 Apr 17, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>Sounds a little harsh for a man who just wants to relax with a few cold ones after a hard day at work
If he is drinking 6-12 a day, every day, after work then he is obviously not driving anywhere to participate in activities with his children. That is beyond relaxing. It is bringing yourself to an altered state so that you don't have to address reality.

I don't cut much slack for people who bring children into this world, then fail to do their best to parent them.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#9 Apr 17, 2014
LW1: Nagging him is not going to help. Al-Anon will help you deal with this better, but only your husband can change his drinking.

LW2: Toothpaste in the scratch doesn't work on an iPad like it works on a watch crystal, does it. Too bad.

Just fess up. I doubt that much official trouble will come down on you. It's not like the thing is unusable, right?

LW3: I would stop what I'm doing and stand with my head bowed.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#10 Apr 17, 2014
RACE wrote:
3 Abby is right, but I doubt peeps are looking at you, well, maybe the kids.
Ha! You're right about that.

When my gram died, the funeral was in a southern suburb, but the family plot is in a south side cemetery, so we had a LONG drive (like on the expressway long). And the only people that really paid any attention were the kids, and most of them waved. Very cute.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#11 Apr 17, 2014
ScarletandOlive wrote:
<quoted text>
If he is drinking 6-12 a day, every day, after work then he is obviously not driving anywhere to participate in activities with his children. That is beyond relaxing. It is bringing yourself to an altered state so that you don't have to address reality.
I don't cut much slack for people who bring children into this world, then fail to do their best to parent them.
Not defending the dude, but after work, there ain't no activities going on for me other than going home. Cook dinner, eat dinner, homework, bath, maybe some tv or playing, sleep.

Where are YOU taking your kids on weekday evenings?

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#12 Apr 17, 2014
LW1: What Abby said.

LW2: I think you are making a big deal about nothing. I wouldn’t even say anything, unless the school does when you return it.

LW3: I’d just go about my business. I’ve been in funeral processions and I’ve never expected people on the streets or in their yard to do any sort of gesture.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#13 Apr 17, 2014
ScarletandOlive wrote:
<quoted text>
If he is drinking 6-12 a day, every day, after work then he is obviously not driving anywhere to participate in activities with his children. That is beyond relaxing. It is bringing yourself to an altered state so that you don't have to address reality.
I don't cut much slack for people who bring children into this world, then fail to do their best to parent them.
The LW is from Guam. I've never been there, but I'm guessing that the afterschool and extracurricular activities are probably way different that what we know/expect.

Maybe all there is to do is lay around on the beach after work. <mimishrug>

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#14 Apr 17, 2014
ScarletandOlive wrote:
<quoted text>
If he is drinking 6-12 a day, every day, after work then he is obviously not driving anywhere to participate in activities with his children. That is beyond relaxing. It is bringing yourself to an altered state so that you don't have to address reality.
I think if you drink that much every night you have a problem. How, much of a problem ... really depends on a lot of factors.

How often is he drinking 6 verses 12? When does he start drinking? When does he finish? If he's in the trades and gets home at 4:00 and goes to bed at 10 .. that's 6 hours of drinking. He isn't going to be smashed drinking 6 beers over 6 hours. He probably isn't going to be falling over drunk even if he drinks 6-12 beers.

If we are out on the lake for say 7 hours with our friends in the summer. I can drink 10 beers, then stop drinking the last hour and a half to 2 hours and be fine to drive home.

If my wife drank that much, I'd be carrying her out of the boat.

Men are different than women. Most of us can drink a lot more.

It's nothing for me and one of my buddies to finish off a case of beer over the course of a late night or afternoon. Nothing. If we are really going all out, someone's going for a beer run if all we have is a case too.

This guy does this every night, too. So his tolerance is probably much higher than mine too (I don't drink anywhere close to every night).

When I do drink, I'm usually bbqing and it's not uncommon on the weekend (sometimes during the week, but not often) for me to have a mixed vodka and play catch with my boys. I make my drinks strong too 50/50 or more vodka than mixer. So, it's not true that if he's drinking he isn't involved with his kids.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#15 Apr 17, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Not defending the dude, but after work, there ain't no activities going on for me other than going home. Cook dinner, eat dinner, homework, bath, maybe some tv or playing, sleep.

Where are YOU taking your kids on weekday evenings?
Soccer, cub scouts, CCD, tball, school activities (Ry had Family Science Night every Wednesday for the past month). Some of my friend's kids are involved in dance and tae kwon do.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#16 Apr 17, 2014
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>I think if you drink that much every night you have a problem. How, much of a problem ... really depends on a lot of factors.

How often is he drinking 6 verses 12? When does he start drinking? When does he finish? If he's in the trades and gets home at 4:00 and goes to bed at 10 .. that's 6 hours of drinking. He isn't going to be smashed drinking 6 beers over 6 hours. He probably isn't going to be falling over drunk even if he drinks 6-12 beers.

If we are out on the lake for say 7 hours with our friends in the summer. I can drink 10 beers, then stop drinking the last hour and a half to 2 hours and be fine to drive home.

If my wife drank that much, I'd be carrying her out of the boat.

Men are different than women. Most of us can drink a lot more.

It's nothing for me and one of my buddies to finish off a case of beer over the course of a late night or afternoon. Nothing. If we are really going all out, someone's going for a beer run if all we have is a case too.

This guy does this every night, too. So his tolerance is probably much higher than mine too (I don't drink anywhere close to every night).

When I do drink, I'm usually bbqing and it's not uncommon on the weekend (sometimes during the week, but not often) for me to have a mixed vodka and play catch with my boys. I make my drinks strong too 50/50 or more vodka than mixer. So, it's not true that if he's drinking he isn't involved with his kids.
If he was an involved father, I don't think that his wife would be so focused on his drinking. It wouldn't be such an issue that she was nagging him and afraid that he was going to die young. If she didn't see any change in his attitude while he was drinking, I doubt that she would be so focused on his health. I could be wrong, but my take away is that the drinking is his priority, not just an incidental.

If your wife was commenting often that she had a problem with your drinking, wouldn't you at least step back and see if she had a valid concern?

A BBQ is a family event that does not happen every day. Playing with your kids in between cooking and socializing is different from parenting them daily (the stuff that's not as fun).

It is totally possible that she is a teetotaler and any alcohol is bad in her eyes, but when it comes to kids, I tend to err on the side of caution.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#17 Apr 17, 2014
LW1: This was the life of my aunt and uncle. They also had 4 kids, and my uncle drank nothing but beer, mostly at home. He didn't have a beer belly; in fact, he was one of the skinniest people I've ever known.(I'm fortunate to have skinny genes on both sides of my family.) But that man could sure put the beer away, and all my aunt used to do was nag him about it. After the kids grew up, got married, and left home (and they all married young), she left him and got a divorce. I predict the same outcome for LW.

LW2: Team Abby, this is probably considered normal wear and tear. Also I'll bet the school has a source that can refurbish the iPads at a reasonable cost.

LW3: I like squishymama's idea if you feel that you need to make a gesture of respect.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#18 Apr 17, 2014
ScarletandOlive wrote:
<quoted text>
Soccer, cub scouts, CCD, tball, school activities (Ry had Family Science Night every Wednesday for the past month). Some of my friend's kids are involved in dance and tae kwon do.
how do you even find the time to do all that? I don't get home til 5:30 on a good day. Some days not till 6:15. We try to get them in bed by 8:30. Not knocking it, I'm just curious how the hours of a typical evening at your house get sliced.
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#19 Apr 17, 2014
Glance into the future for LW1: Her husband
(a) is under pressure at work and knows if he asks the wrong person
for help it will be a permanent mark against him.
(b) could lose his rank if he's military, and is worried that he might not
be able to provide a civilian home for them if he retires.
(c) has some reasons why he'd rather not return to the States and is
uncomfortable telling her.
or
(d) other

<But he certainly needs some kind of help, no matter what his side of
the story might be.>

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#20 Apr 17, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>how do you even find the time to do all that? I don't get home til 5:30 on a good day. Some days not till 6:15. We try to get them in bed by 8:30. Not knocking it, I'm just curious how the hours of a typical evening at your house get sliced.
The boys get out of school at 3:30 and I bring them home to have a snack and do their homework. Then I feed them an early dinner. My husband coaches their soccer teams and often meets us at the field, where I have a change of clothes and a snack for him. Ry's CCD is from 6-7:15 on Thursday nights (E starts in the fall and will probably teach a class since I have to bring them and pick them up anyway). Cub Scouts is at 6:30 on Tuesdays and E can come with us (he starts in the Fall). My husband and I eat a late dinner together, usually around 7:30. Sometimes I eat with the boys.

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