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1 - 13 of 13 Comments Last updated Aug 28, 2013

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

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#1
Aug 27, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: My wife and I were friends for several years and then dated and lived together before getting married.

We had trouble getting pregnant and suffered a few miscarriages. We finally had a baby last summer and soon found out he had a heart problem and needed surgery (at 2 weeks old).
Our lives were shattered at the time, but his health recovered. After this my wifeís attention was drawn toward our son, and I found pleasure hanging out with our friends. Our marriage became pretty robotic and loveless. We separated last winter.

We reconciled one time to see if our loving feelings had returned. I realized how much I missed and loved her. She said she loved me but was not in love with me. This is hard to hear, and itís even harder not seeing my child every day.

It has been several months now. We have a separation agreement. Our marital house is sold. We are amicable and talk often, but I canít get over the hump of needing her back.

Is this wrong? How do I let go? I am so emotionally confused. I donít know what to do, and nothing fills this giant void in my life. She has told me she has been on a few dates, and so have I ó but nothing is working. Should I spill my feelings to her? I tried this four months ago, but my feelings were not returned.-- CO

DEAR CO: You and your wife gave up on your marriage very quickly. According to your letter, your baby was only a few months old when you two chose to separate.

Couples who have been together for a long time say the key to staying together is to work as a team toward the greater good, tolerating some tough (even tragic) times to grow together and work toward a mature kind of union.

Everything you report (pulling away, etc. after the trauma of your sonís illness) seems a natural reaction to an incredibly challenging time. This is survivable, but you canít repair a relationship when youíre on the fast track to dissolution.

Furthermore, after splitting up, you both go out on a few dates and are shocked that ďnothing is workingĒ?

In life, you donít get instant satisfaction. In life, you get to slog. You work. You grow. You take the long view. You do not fill a giant void with dates. You fill the void with self-actualization. Of course you should be honest with your wife. Ask her to join you in relationship counseling. If she wonít go, attend on your own.

DEAR AMY: Mine is not an earth-shaking problem. I am a widower, and like most of us widows/widowers, the phone quit ringing after my spouse died. Since I am not a great cook, I call couples we used to socialize with to go out for dinner.

When the check comes, I pay; then they pay the next time.

It doesnít seem to dawn on them that I am paying twice as much to treat them as they do when they pick up the check. Some of them are much better off than I am. I do not want to make this a major issue, but I do go out a lot and tip well. I cannot think of a way to address this tactfully. Can you?-- Wondering

DEAR WONDERING: This may not seem tactful (enough) to you, but if I were in your group of friends, Iíd be absolutely fine hearing the following:ďDo you mind if we each pay for our own meal when we go out? I dine out a lot and enjoy it, but itís getting challenging for me to pick up the tab.Ē

DEAR AMY: A writer named ďJimĒ shared his perspective in your column, saying that as a 30-year-old he and his generation have inherited a world that is basically a mess.

You didnít disagree with him.

My perspective is that each generation steps into a world full of challenges, and that it is that generationís job to do its best to make the world a better place, not bellyache about it.-- Disgusted

DEAR DISGUSTED:ďJimísĒ letter has sparked a large response; most people share your perspective.

Since: Jan 10

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#2
Aug 27, 2013
 

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L1: I wish he had written to Carolyn Hax, because Amy was all over the place with her awful advice/comments. "Ask her to join you in relationship counseling. If she wonít go, attend on your own." NO, he just needs THERAPY to get over her. She's no longer in love with him. She's dating others. Pushing for "relationship" counseling" is not the way to go. Get therapy, get over her, figure out where you went wrong, try to make different mistakes the next time rather than the same ones.

And focus on your child. You should have him 50% of the time. YOu're one of his two parents, you should have him half the time. However, you have to stop making hanging out with your friends your priority. I don't blame your wife one bit for losing interest in a loser father such as yourself.

L2: Just don't ask people out more often than you can afford. And when they buy, be sure to get the lobster.

(I think Amy gave good advice here.)

L3: No worries. the generation after "Jim's" will find plenty to complain about. Circle of life and all that.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#3
Aug 27, 2013
 

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1 No amy couples counseling is NOT the answer. They are not a couple, nor are they working on being a couple. They have dissolved their marriage (because the idiot dad decided that he was not getting enough attention and went to hang with friends instead of raising his family).

Anyway the guy chose poorly and now he is regretting his choices. Too bad.

2 Ask out single people not couples or just be honest and go dutch.

3 The kid is a whiner and a product of the spoiled brat generation. The ones who got a ribbon for showing up, and invented a baseball game where the score was not kept, and was told to take a "Time out" instead of being told to go stand in the corner.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#5
Aug 27, 2013
 
L1: While I agree with Red that he needed to at the time be more involved with his child and his wife and that his wife isn't interested in keeping the marriage (so it seems), he needs to fix himself and not the marriage that is no longer there. I agree with Amy that they didn't give the marriage much of a chance. When you get married, you don't keep that gooey feeling all the time. That is fluid and moves in and out of the relationship. Love and respect is what I think keeps relatonships together.

L2: You don't have to say all that Amy said. Just say -- Hey, let's go to such and such restaurant Dutch treat.

L3: People need to quit whining.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#6
Aug 27, 2013
 
LW1: Well, since you are an emotional train wreck at the moment, I'm going to suggest that you hold off on any more dates. Go get some therapy - for yourself - and see what happens. Maybe you will realize what went wrong and be able to fix it, maybe not.

And spend as much time as you can with your kid.

LW2: I don't think anyone will be surprised if you asked to go dutch on future dinners. As you state, it's not an earth-shaking problem.

LW3: I'll bellyache if I feel like it!

Lucky for you, I don't, or you'd be getting an earful right about now buddy.

“Colorful Beyond Words”

Since: May 11

"True Love Never Ends "

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#7
Aug 27, 2013
 
Seems everyone is on the same page with the comments on the LW's. I agree with the posters.

Since: Aug 08

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#8
Aug 27, 2013
 
LW1: She doesnít love you. You canít make someone love you. You need to accept this, move on, and stop directing so much thought into needing her, because she doesnít need or want you.

LW2: Just split the checks or you could consider you treating both of them as the price for companionship.

LW3: Actually this is the first generation having to deal with an America on the decline. The percentage of takers keeps on getting larger, while the percentage of givers keeps getting smaller. There are built in incentives that encourage this.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#9
Aug 27, 2013
 
LW1: Couples counseling won't work if wife doesn't want it. It's sad that he kind of checked out and preferred being with his friends when his family needed him. All he can do is get therapy and learn from his mistake.

LW2: Just say you want to do Dutch treat. Or ask for a separate tab at the restaurant. Or learn to cook more.

LW3: What Sublime said.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#10
Aug 27, 2013
 
1: Little info but I would blame both parties, probably the female more because they are notorious for putting so much attention on their kids and neglecting the man. Sounds like he filled the time and they didn't realize the chasm that was growing between them. He's willing to work on it; she's not.
Why should she? She has her surrogate hubby in her son now and will live through him...

2: Wouldn't cross my mind. But I go dutch with friends 100% of the time and we all are on board with that arrangement, no matter who asks!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

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#11
Aug 27, 2013
 
1- Sounds like the woman suckered you into giving her a baby. Now that she has one, she has no need for you anymore. Tough break, kid, but move on.

2- I agree with the Dutch oven thing.

3- Every generation blames the one before for their problems. But we all know Bush is the one to blame, still.
Julie

Chicago, IL

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#12
Aug 27, 2013
 

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LW1: "After this my wifeís attention was drawn toward our son, and I found pleasure hanging out with our friends."

Imagine that--your wife's attention was "drawn toward" your infant son, who had JUST HAD HEART SURGERY. Shocking. And instead of finding pleasure quietly w/your little family so you could all heal together, you wanted more attention and chose to "hang out" with your friends. No wonder your wife is over you--you sound like quite a prize. Stop trying to get back together; she's better off without you.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#13
Aug 27, 2013
 
Julie wrote:
LW1: "After this my wifeís attention was drawn toward our son, and I found pleasure hanging out with our friends."
Imagine that--your wife's attention was "drawn toward" your infant son, who had JUST HAD HEART SURGERY. Shocking. And instead of finding pleasure quietly w/your little family so you could all heal together, you wanted more attention and chose to "hang out" with your friends. No wonder your wife is over you--you sound like quite a prize. Stop trying to get back together; she's better off without you.
Pithy.

Since: Jan 10

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#14
Aug 28, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
3- Every generation blames the one before for their problems. But we all know Bush is the one to blame, still.
Like the people who blame Obama for the government's failed response to Katrina's unleashing on New Orleans.

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