Abby 1-24

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“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Jan 24, 2013
 
DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my early 20s and in my first serious relationship. I adore "Paul." We have a wonderful, respectful relationship. One day I hope we'll be married.

I feel strongly that we should not live together before we are married. He disagrees. He feels couples need to know each other's habits fully before they make a lifelong commitment.

I understand the financial and emotional convenience of sharing a home with your loved one. However, I believe that marriage changes a living dynamic whether you have lived together or not. Conflicts that arise post-marriage can be faced with a greater sense of resolve, knowing that a formal commitment has been made.

Abby, what's your take on this? Should couples live together before marriage? I don't want to be stubborn and say I'll never live with anyone before getting married, because I know it's a very common thing to do. What can I say to Paul and friends who disagree with me to defend my "old-fashioned" logic?-- TRADITIONALIST IN CHICAGO

DEAR TRADITIONALIST: I don't think you should argue with them on the subject at all. Just say that although many couples live together today without marriage, you aren't comfortable with it. You are not the only person who feels this way. Many people with strong religious convictions feel the way you do about it. In my opinion, this is something that couples should work out between themselves.

DEAR ABBY: My next-door neighbor "Rod" and I work at the same place, about 10 miles from our homes. He has a medical condition that prevents him from driving. Until recently, he took the bus, but that route was stopped, so he now relies on his wife for transportation every day. She works and also takes care of their three kids.

Last summer, I drove Rod for a while, but he was a terrible carpool companion. He was perpetually late, and I'd have to wait for him in the morning and after work. He would brag nonstop about how good he is at his job, and then want to stand around in our driveway chatting instead of just going inside.

He never offered to pay for gas or compensate me in any way, and seemed unable to find other arrangements when I had to work late or run errands after work, which made me feel trapped in his schedule. I finally got tired of the hassle and made an excuse to stop driving him.

There is no real reason I can't take him now except that he was such a pain in the you-know-what that I don't want to. But I feel guilty when I see his wife loading up all their kids to make the drive.

What's the right thing to do? We may be neighbors for a very long time.-- KIND COMMUTER IN MADISON, WIS.

DEAR KIND COMMUTER: I recognize your generosity in extending yourself to your co-worker, who apparently never learned the basics of carpool etiquette. Because you got nothing positive out of driving him, I do not recommend you start again. However, if you would like to do his wife a favor, see if there are transportation services for people with disabilities in your city, and if there are, give that information to her.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#2
Jan 24, 2013
 

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1 Honey, you're already a free cow, what difference does it make whose barn you're milked in?

2 I think you should approach Rod and offer to carpool with him IF he follows your guidlines. Charge him for gas, explain you are not a talker, and you want to get your shoes off when you get home, not hang out and BS.

3 Amby nailed it.

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#3
Jan 24, 2013
 

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LW1: "I feel strongly that we should not live together before we are married. He disagrees. He feels couples need to know each other's habits fully before they make a lifelong commitment."

You are speaking out of tradition and perhaps your own sense of morality. He is speaking from a practical aspect. Fom a practical aspect, if some sort of conflict or incompatibility should arise, it is much easier to cut ties as opposed to finding out after you've married.

To me, practicality wins out.

LW2: Squash that guilt. Do not offer to take him. If he should ask, spell out the rules. You will not be waiting on him at all for any reason. He knows when you leave. If he is ready, you will be glad to take him. If he is not, his wife will have to drive him. On days when you have other engagements, his wife will have to take him. If he knows he will have to work late, he needs to call his wife to come get him.

Basically, let him know you are willing to take him as long as it does not result in altering your schedule.

Now if he's a pain in the ass to even have in the car, then forget the whole thing.

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#4
Jan 24, 2013
 

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RACE wrote:
Charge him for gas, explain you are not a talker, and you want to get your shoes off when you get home, not hang out and BS.
I don't know if I would make him pay for gas that I would be using regardless. but that jibba jabba in the driveway? Dude, we just drove from work to home. You got something to talk about, there's plenty of time to spit it out before we get home.

Since: Jan 10

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#5
Jan 24, 2013
 

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L2:'But I feel guilty when I see his wife loading up all their kids to make the drive." Why? Their life is the result of their choices. she chose to have three kids with a guy who can't drive. Let them deal with it.

Why do I think this coworker probably doesn't do much at home,either?

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#6
Jan 24, 2013
 
L1: You have an opinion and reasons to back it up. Why on earth would you get Abby involved? Stand up for yourself! If Paul can't handle it, you guys will break up and you'll have learned something.

L2: Sounds like you solved this problem on your own once already. Why would you re-create it?

Great, no rehash on the one day I'm hungry!
pde

Schaumburg, IL

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#7
Jan 24, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L2:'But I feel guilty when I see his wife loading up all their kids to make the drive." Why? Their life is the result of their choices. she chose to have three kids with a guy who can't drive. Let them deal with it.
Why do I think this coworker probably doesn't do much at home,either?
There is the possibility the medical condition developed after the marriage/kids. I know two different people who developed seizure disorders in their 40s and thus are now medically banned from driving.

“bELieve”

Since: Jun 09

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#8
Jan 24, 2013
 
LW1- if you are not able to respect each others' stances and still find a way to compromise, then you are not with the right person. There are many times in life where you have to take into account each others' backgrounds, cultures, religions, emotions, baggage, pre-conceived notions, etc and the key is how you work together to find an answer.

There is no right or wrong answer to this question. There are the big questions of "is this the right person for you" and "are you ready to share you life with someone else"?

“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

United States

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#9
Jan 24, 2013
 
1- Women do a 180 once they get that ring on there finger anyway, I don't really see what difference it makes.

2- Cut an entire bus route? Must be the result of those dam Republican tax cuts. Lay some ground rules. I think he should pay for some of the gas because why should he get a free ride?

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#10
Jan 24, 2013
 
LW1:“Conflicts that arise post-marriage can be faced with a greater sense of resolve, knowing that a formal commitment has been made.”

I guess it depends on the person, but neither my feelings nor my commitment for my wife changed upon being married. I think if you have to go through a ceremony to fully commit to someone with your heart, while you may be legally tied to them, you probably aren’t really committed to them with your heart.

My wife and I did not live together before marriage … mostly cause her parents would not approve. That is why we got married when we did. However, we dated and went to college together for 3 years ... went on vacations with our families together … and while we each had our separate lives (I made sure of that … I still wanted to spend times with my friends without having her with me 24/7 or my not going out just cause she couldn’t make it), to some extent, we spent a lot of time together. I think we had dated for 6 years before marriage. Living together is probably less important under those circumstances, but if you have only known each other for a few years, I think it’s not such a bad idea.

LW2: It’s not really your obligation to make his life and his wife’s life easy at the expense of making your life more difficult. You must be a democrat, lol.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#11
Jan 24, 2013
 
But he would incur a cost no matter how he gets there, why not pay you? Your providing a service and deserve to be compensated.
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I don't know if I would make him pay for gas that I would be using regardless.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#12
Jan 24, 2013
 
LW1: "Conflicts that arise post-marriage can be faced with a greater sense of resolve, knowing that a formal commitment has been made."

I think this statement is total BS. Moving in together is a pretty formal commitment, signaling that you want to spend your life with this person. If you weren't willing to work on the hard stuff, then you're not ready for commitment in the first place.

LW2: I was the squishybus for many years with many co-workers. And making the driver late is a big no-no. Since I'm a democrat, I'd try one more time, but he gets the zero-tolerance policy on the lateness. He's not there when it's time to go, then he has to find another way to work.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Tacoma, WA

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#13
Jan 24, 2013
 
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
There is the possibility the medical condition developed after the marriage/kids. I know two different people who developed seizure disorders in their 40s and thus are now medically banned from driving.
Absolutely true, but his wife, not LW signed up for the "better or worse, sickness and health.." deal. Not the LW's issue.
pde

Schaumburg, IL

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#14
Jan 24, 2013
 
Mimi Seattle wrote:
<quoted text>
Absolutely true, but his wife, not LW signed up for the "better or worse, sickness and health.." deal. Not the LW's issue.
I just found saying that "she signed up for it" a bit harsh. I don't think that most people realize that one seizure and not being able to discover an physical cause for it, can get you on the "not allowed to drive" list for 12 months--even if you never, ever have another seizure.

If you have another seizure, the 12 month clock can then restart.

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#15
Jan 24, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
But he would incur a cost no matter how he gets there, why not pay you? Your providing a service and deserve to be compensated.
<quoted text>
I'm not knocking anyone who would ask for gas money. Just saying *I* would likely not.

I have a co-worker who shares a car with his wife. Sometimes she drops him off and he has no car. If he goes to lunch with me every day for month, I'm not going to feel like he's getting a free ride or he owes me gas money. I'm no worse off, gas-wise, because he came along.

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#16
Jan 24, 2013
 
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
I just found saying that "she signed up for it" a bit harsh. I don't think that most people realize that one seizure and not being able to discover an physical cause for it, can get you on the "not allowed to drive" list for 12 months--even if you never, ever have another seizure.
If you have another seizure, the 12 month clock can then restart.
Who's checking the clock? What happens if he does have one inside of 12 months? Do seizures send you the the hospital where is can be reported?

“bELieve”

Since: Jun 09

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#17
Jan 24, 2013
 
squishymama wrote:
LW1: "Conflicts that arise post-marriage can be faced with a greater sense of resolve, knowing that a formal commitment has been made."

I think this statement is total BS. Moving in together is a pretty formal commitment, signaling that you want to spend your life with this person.
This is why there is no one answer to this question. I had no problem moving in with roommates. We made commitments to each other related to living arrangements, but we weren't looking at them as lifetime commitments. Moving in together was just a business arrangement.

With my husband, though, I would not have moved in with him without the wedding imminent (deposits given, not just promises). My roommates and I kept things very separate, but if my husband and I were going to join our lives, it was going to be complete.

From a practical point of view, the courts have a system in place for separating property if a marriage fails. There is nothing if boyfriends/girlfriends, fiances/fiancées, roommates with benefits, etc who have mingled their finances and purchases acrimoniously decide that they no longer want to live together.
pde

Schaumburg, IL

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#18
Jan 24, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Who's checking the clock? What happens if he does have one inside of 12 months? Do seizures send you the the hospital where is can be reported?
If you have a driver's license and have a seizure, you're required to report it to the DMV (at least in Illinois) within ten days and submit a medical report form which allows your doctor to continue to provide information to the state.

If you don't and they find out about it, your license is likely to be suspended for longer than 12 months.

Driving is a privilege, not a right.
pde

Schaumburg, IL

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#19
Jan 24, 2013
 
Doctors and police officers are allowed (possibly required) to report people to the state for investigation if they believe that the individual has a medical condition which comes under those regulations and they have not reported their condition to the state:

http://www.cyberdriveillinois.com/departments...

"In order to protect the rights of all persons, the Secretary of State's office is only authorized to investigate potential medical conditions when reported by a licensed physician, member of law enforcement or member of the judicial system. If you know someone you feel could jeopardize traffic safety as the result of a medical condition, contact the individual's doctor or a police officer and request that the Secretary of State's office investigate."

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#20
Jan 24, 2013
 
But going out to lunch is different that going to work. You HAVE to get to work, but you dont have to go out for lunch. That is an elective, and you should not expect compensation. Ferrying someone to and from work, is a different matter. I would have no qualms about asking someone to kick in a few bucks.

Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I'm not knocking anyone who would ask for gas money. Just saying *I* would likely not.
I have a co-worker who shares a car with his wife. Sometimes she drops him off and he has no car. If he goes to lunch with me every day for month, I'm not going to feel like he's getting a free ride or he owes me gas money. I'm no worse off, gas-wise, because he came along.

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