“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jan 12, 2014
DEAR AMY: I recently got engaged. Our engagement was joyfully announced on his family's Christmas card and family newsletter. The pictures on the card included two professionally taken photos of his siblings and their families -- both very lovely.

The photo of us, however, is horrendous. It is a snapshot that his father took at a party; we are mid-laugh and a little sweaty. It's really garish and unflattering.

This is a pattern; his dad has aired such photos of us (and others) before in Christmas cards and wedding slideshows seen by countless snickering observers.

I am appreciative of the love they have shown, and I know his father has no malicious intentions and is completely oblivious to the embarrassment caused, but my fiance and I are pretty irritated that this photo accompanies our engagement announcement.

My fiance doesn't want to say anything because he thinks it's spilled milk, but I especially want to safeguard us from having a similar experience at our own wedding. What should I do?-- 10 Pounds Heavier

DEAR 10 POUNDS: Because this is a pattern (and doesn't involve only you), your fiance should try to speak to his father: "Dad, we're so thrilled about our announcement. But come on, Dad, we think we look like orangutans. I'll email you two or three shots of us we like, if that would help."

Some people are so cuckoo-controlling at their weddings that they confiscate guests' cameras. Don't be those people. Please remember that your future father-in-law might be one of those guys who truly don't see the difference between Kate Middleton's wedding photo and a Polaroid of cousin Wendy from fat camp. Try to see this as something you will laugh about later.

And then remember to laugh about it later.

DEAR AMY: My aunt gave me her engagement ring and told me she wanted me to wear it rather than have it sit in a box. I told my son that this ring will stay in our family for generations. I told him that when he found someone he wanted to marry, the ring would be his.

A year or two later, he called from college to say that he was going to ask "Josie" to marry him, and he asked for the ring. I stupidly gave it to him.

They got engaged and then picked out matching engagement and wedding rings. Josie now keeps my aunt's ring in a box.

Is there any way I can ask for this ring back (to be worn until my passing) without causing hurt feelings since it is really what my aunt wanted? I wouldn't mind if Josie were wearing it, but I haven't seen it on her since they got married nine years ago.-- Foolish

DEAR FOOLISH: I realize this must be painful, but you cannot expect that a ring you gave to your son for his wife must be worn because of the wishes of a long-deceased aunt whom she has never even met. Please do not blame your daughter-in-law for not wearing this ring. She had nothing to do with its procurement.

You might as well ask for this ring back, but be prepared: As "foolish" as you say you were to give it away in the first place, you might feel more foolish in asking for it to be returned to you.

If you do ask for it back, do not judge or cast blame -- simply say that you miss the ring very much and wonder if they would return it to you so you could wear it again. They might be very happy to comply.

DEAR AMY: Like other readers, I did not think the situation described in the letter from "Sober" amounted to sexual assault. Pulling the police into such a minor fracas is very silly.-- Overreaction

DEAR OVERREACTION: If someone described a drunken man pulling a woman by her hair, trying to drag her into a bedroom and kissing her against her will, I don't think there would be much debate about an assault. The fact that the aggressor in this case was a woman shouldn't make much difference.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#2 Jan 12, 2014
1- Get over yourself, fatty

2- Diplomatically ask for it back. She's kept it in a box for nine years. I agree she'll be willing to return it.

3- Nice try, sexist! Calling the cops because a drunk woman is hitting on you is like calling the cops because your burger lacked pickles -(which actually happened once)- That's not what the police are for and they despise calls like that.
Cass

Claremont, CA

#3 Jan 12, 2014
LW1 - Just speak up! You don't need your fiancé to do it for you. You are about to become part of this family, and they seem to like you. Take advantage of the good will and voice (politely but seriously) your chagrin at having very unflattering photos of you circulated around. If you are told to "lighten up and have a sense of humor," that will be a bit of a red flag, and you'll need to have a conversation with your fiancé about the possibility of bullying under the disguise of amiability and familial closeness. There is a fine line between joshing and bullying.

LW2 - When you give somebody a gift, it is theirs to use or not use as they please. Stop fixating on what your DIL chose to do with her engagement ring. Let it be. Your DIL is not bound by any promises you made to somebody else she has never met. And no, you cannot ask for a gift back unless such a possibility was stipulated at the time of giving.

LW3 - Yep, that's why men who are abused by women suffer in silence. Female victims of abuse are sympathized with. Male victims of abuse are mocked. This is a sad state of affairs.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#4 Jan 12, 2014
Cass wrote:
LW1 - If you are told to "lighten up and have a sense of humor," that will be a bit of a red flag, and you'll need to have a conversation with your fiancé about the possibility of bullying under the disguise of amiability and familial closeness. There is a fine line between joshing and bullying.
Oh please. Now an unflattering photo of someone laughing is a form of bullying??
Cass wrote:
LW2 - When you give somebody a gift, it is theirs to use or not use as they please
Except it wasn't a gift to the DIL, it was a gift to her son.
Cass wrote:
Your DIL is not bound by any promises you made to somebody else she has never met.
Exactly! So she should give it back. Goes both ways, sweetie.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#5 Jan 12, 2014
LW1: Some people are insensitive about photos of others. But part of this is on you. You should have given them a framed engagement photo. There's not much you can do about the wedding other than to frame and distribute the best shots ASAP. Or ask that people refrain from shooting pictures during dinner. Amateur photogs go nuts at weddings.

LW2: While I think it's rude to ask for anything back, this is your son, and I like Amy's suggestion of saying that you miss the ring and would like to wear it. I don't think your son and DIL would mind giving it back if you phrase it like that.

LW3: I totally agree with the dog. This is not a police matter and there is a world of difference between a drunk woman and a drunk man.
Cass

Claremont, CA

#6 Jan 12, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Oh please. Now an unflattering photo of someone laughing is a form of bullying??
One unflattering photo is no big deal. Constantly picking out unflattering photos and sending them around is either clueless or mean-spirited in a passive-aggressive, middle-school kind of way. That's why LW needs to speak to her future FIL herself.
Is FIL clueless and doesn't really see the difference between normal photos and candid-camera-stupid-look photos? If so, he needs to be enlightened. Or is he one of those jokesters who enjoy catching people at their "ugly" moments and spreading the photos around: My future DIL, looking drunk, mouth hanging open, one eye closed, crazy-bat-sshite grin on her face? That's bullying, and LW needs to speak up and stand up for herself.
Re: gift of an engagement ring to the son. Did LW give it to the son for the fiancee/wife to wear or for him to wear? If it was for him to wear, she should take it up with him. If for the fiancee/wife, then the gift was to the fiancee/wife, not the son.
Re: returning the ring. I have no problem with LW saying, "DIL, if you are not wearing this ring, may I have it back?" and accepting a no for an answer. She, however, seems to be a bit pi55ed that the DIL is not wearing the ring and wants it back as a sort of punishment. That's just stupid.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#7 Jan 12, 2014
1: Are you sure this is not intentional, lol? Once, sure, but a pattern? Hmmmm

2: Your DIL probably won't mind if you explain the situation (and let her know on your passing it goes back to them). She doesn't want to wear it anyway (not sure why son got it). It's probably hideous and shed oesn't want to hurt your feelings.
I don't think any bride should be forced to wear a dead person's ring if they don't want to.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#8 Jan 12, 2014
Cass wrote:
<quoted text>
One unflattering photo is no big deal. Constantly picking out unflattering photos and sending them around is either clueless or mean-spirited in a passive-aggressive, middle-school kind of way.
Its called "being a dick". What is it with this group? For a while we had people calling that behavior "abuse". Now its "bullying"? Stop it. Get a grip, people.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#9 Jan 12, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
Except it wasn't a gift to the DIL, it was a gift to her son.
Who then bestowed it upon his fiancée making it gift to her.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 Jan 12, 2014
Kuuipo wrote:
LW1: Some people are insensitive about photos of others.
<Raises hand>

I take pictures of events that I am at. A dinner. A party. Whatever. Sometimes someone will say things like, "Oh, you have to delete that one."

No. No I don't. Its not like I'm gonna use it as my Christmas card, but unless its blurry, I'm not deleting it. I keep all of them. I don't care if you look like Megan Fox or the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I take photos to document and event, not to have a model shoot.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#11 Jan 13, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
<Raises hand>
I take pictures of events that I am at. A dinner. A party. Whatever. Sometimes someone will say things like, "Oh, you have to delete that one."
No. No I don't. Its not like I'm gonna use it as my Christmas card, but unless its blurry, I'm not deleting it. I keep all of them. I don't care if you look like Megan Fox or the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I take photos to document and event, not to have a model shoot.
I agree. I also think the LW sounds like a brat. If she wanted a different picture to go out, she should have given him one. But, seriously, she thinks people are looking at it and snickering? She needs to get over herself. No one cares that much. Except her.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#12 Jan 13, 2014
I should also add that she should have sent out formal engagement announcements, too, if she was that concerned about it. Not that I am into that kind of thing, but she seems hung up on the fact that the Christmas letter was her engagement announcement,

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