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1 - 7 of 7 Comments Last updated Jun 23, 2014

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

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#1
Jun 23, 2014
 
DEAR AMY: My sister died from breast cancer two years ago at the age of 50, leaving behind three kids (ages 20, 18, 17) and her husband, "Martin." Martin started dating "Laura" (no kids) about four months after my sister's death. The kids were naturally upset that he started dating so soon.

There were a lot of issues that needed to be resolved, but Martin chose to ignore these issues.

The youngest two girls went off to college and the oldest son enlisted in the Army. Shortly after, Martin married Laura but didn't tell his kids for two months. It wasn't pretty when the youngest two found out and learned that their father didn't have the courage to tell them.

The girls are home for the summer. One daughter is sleeping in the basement bedroom and one sleeps in the unfinished attached cinder block garage, without HVAC. Her former bedroom has been turned into a guest bedroom.

This story sounds like Cinderella but without the glass slipper part.

This is the third marriage for Laura. She has not been supportive of the girls and stepped into the role of stepmonster when she told the youngest recently that she needs to get over her mother already.

As their aunt who lives far away, I am outraged by the manipulation and spinelessness.

I think my best role is to listen to the kids when they call or text, but what more can I do?-- Anguished Aunt

DEAR AUNT: These kids are old enough to entertain alternatives to their current Cinderella status at home and -- if they say they need to make a change -- you may be able to help them brainstorm ideas, even to the extent of inviting them to stay with you over the summer (or next summer) if they would like.

Otherwise, encourage them to talk about their mother and commiserate with them (but never instigate) about their father and stepmother's behavior. You need to remember that even though he seems to be treating them as second-class citizens, he is their dad and they will likely continue to feel conflicted about him for a long time.

DEAR AMY: Several years ago I "friended" my grandmother's friend "Janet" on Facebook. I have met her a few times and like her. She was also connected through Facebook with the rest of my family. She is well-liked by all.

Several months ago we all got lengthy emails from my grandmother with many barbs against Janet, including suspicions that she would "twist" our minds.

After a number of those emails, my grandmother hinted that we should "unfriend" Janet. My mother, aunt and sister all complied. My mother said they were just trying to keep the peace with our grandmother. I have not followed suit.

My grandmother calls me to talk about my unwillingness to protect myself against Janet. I feel like I am back in junior high school, except this is my 70-year-old grandmother and I am almost 30. I live a long way away. I love my grandmother but it seems to me that if I "unfriend" Janet I am playing a game I don't want to be in.

What should I do?-- Granddaughter

DEAR GRANDDAUGHTER: The first thing you should do is make sure your grandmother has a medical checkup. Her obsession with this (and her paranoia) is a sign that something could be very wrong.

If this volatile and controlling behavior fits a lifelong pattern for her, then yes, you should stand up to her: "Gran, this silliness is like being in middle school again. I don't tell you how to run your relationships, and I'd really appreciate it if you would not interfere with mine."

DEAR AMY: A man signing his letter "No Friends" wondered why his girlfriend had introduced him to family members but seemed to want to keep him away from her friends.

If this letter had been written by a woman, you would have suggested that he was hiding an affair. Just another example of your gender bias.-- Male Reader

DEAR MALE: An affair doesn't explain (to me) the mystery behind introducing a steady partner to family but never to friends.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#2
Jun 23, 2014
 
1 The intern gave good advise.

2 Granny's marble bag is broken.

3 Ha! I did not write this, but I want to shake that mans hand.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

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#3
Jun 23, 2014
 
1- the issue is you feel your bil is dishonoring your sister by marrying someone else, all the other excuses are just filler. You need to learn to deal and move on. And keep your nose out of this family's business

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

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#4
Jun 23, 2014
 

Judged:

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1

1

1. Often cancer gives you a long lead time to know someone is really going to die. For me, it is better to grieve when teh person is there to know she will be missed. That sometimes results in a truncated period after teh death before the survivors are rfready to get on with their life..

I suspect that happened to Martin.

Laura is insecure and an ass. It doesn't matter that this is her 3rd marriage.

It is tough to know that the place and person you used to count on as home doesn't exist any more but Amy gave good advice about that.

2. So why or how does Grandma know that you are still in contact with Janet? I thought FB ( which I do not use) allows you to circumscribe groups so not everyone knows everything.

Did Grandma give a reason to"protect yourself" from Janet? Has she been charged with identity theft or criminal catfishing or something?

3. I am not sure if I said this at the original letter. To me the explanation is easy. The guy is gay. His friends know it. His family does not. The LW is a beard.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#5
Jun 23, 2014
 
LW1: People who have been happily married for a long time usually remarry fairly soon after their spouse passes. They feel lost without a life partner. The "kids" are not making much of an attempt to understand their father's needs. And I am reading a lot of hostility toward Laura. I'm sure she is like most of us humans, having her good qualities and bad. So I am not going to judge her by one second-hand statement taken out of context. The grown kids probably wouldn't have liked anyone their father dated after their mother's death. And the father should have some say in whether or not the guest room can be used by his daughters over the summer; it is his house! Could it be that they are trying to distance themselves from Laura and make a statement? I totally agree with edog. Everyone needs to learn how to deal and LW needs to keep her nose out of her BIL's business.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#6
Jun 23, 2014
 

Judged:

1

LW2: Do not unfriend Janet because of your grandmother's apparent jealousy or dementia. Tell her your FB friends are your business.

LW3: Enough with the "gender bias" already. It is natural for a woman to look at a situation from a woman's perspective, and for a man to look at a situation from a man's perspective.

The question remains: why is she keeping her friends from him? Is she ashamed of her friends? Are they super judgmental? Rowdy? Churchy? I once dated a guy who told me that he felt that he didn't fit in with my friends. And he'd only met a handful of them. Maybe original LW's girlfriend also had that experience and is trying to avoid having it a second time.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#7
Jun 23, 2014
 

Judged:

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I only have a handful of friends...
Kuuipo wrote:
I once dated a guy who told me that he felt that he didn't fit in with my friends. And he'd only met a handful of them.

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