Abby 7-14-13

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“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#1
Jul 14, 2013
 
DEAR ABBY: I am a 58-year-old woman who would like your take on a problem I have with several married female friends and my married sister. During the many years I have been close to these couples, the women seem unable to have one-on-one conversations, outings or a lunch date with me without including their husbands.

Several times after making a lunch date, one friend, unbeknownst to me, has called her husband and invited him as well. Another friend's husband never seems to allow her to talk to me alone, and will even be on speaker or another phone listening -- again, unbeknownst to me until he suddenly says something.

My sister will not read her emails from me, but instead has her husband read them aloud to her while she's doing something else and then dictates a few words to reply to me with. Consequently, I stopped emailing her and told her why.

There is nothing I would say to these ladies that I wouldn't want their husbands to hear, but can you tell me why certain women feel a need to include their spouses in their female relationships in this manner? At the very least, I feel it is extremely rude.-- FRUSTRATED WITH MY BFFs

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your friends may assume that you like their husbands' company as much as they do. They may feel that because they tell their spouses "everything," their menfolk might as well hear what you have to say directly from you. Or their husbands may be retired or semi-retired and have no social lives of their own. Of course, the way to get a direct answer to your question would be to ask them why they do this, and because you feel it is rude, you should tell them.



As to your sister, she may be too busy with household chores to read your emails and reply to them, which is why she has her husband read them to her, or you may have sent more than she can handle. Not sending her any more emails is not the solution; telling her how you feel might be.

DEAR ABBY: Last year a neighbor confided to me that she had been sexually assaulted. In an effort to both show and invite compassion, I told her I empathized with her because I had been assaulted on multiple occasions as a child and teen decades ago.

I have now learned that this woman has told other neighbors that I "had sex with a lot of men," but she failed to put it in the context that I was a child victim of multiple predators.

How should I respond to this? Should I ignore the situation or explain the truth to the neighbors? I don't know whether or not to confront the woman who divulged the information. I am shocked that she'd do such a thing.

I have no shame or guilt issues over what happened to me because I worked through that long ago. But I'm at a loss about what, if anything, I should do. I have already learned the painful lesson that she wasn't worthy of my trust and has serious issues of her own.

What are your thoughts on this matter?-- RE-VICTIMIZED

DEAR RE-VICTIMIZED: You have every right to be angry with the blabbermouth. Because the word is out, set the record straight with the neighbors who were kind enough to tell you your confidence wasn't respected. And in the future, I wouldn't blame you if you avoided the woman who started the rumors whenever possible, and let her know why.
Cass

Upland, CA

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#2
Jul 14, 2013
 

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LW1 - This is very weird. I LOVE having lunches with friends and sans my husband. What's the point of a "girls' night out" or "girls' lunch" with a hubby in tow anyway?

LW2 - This is even weirder than the first one. First of all, your neighbor is a vicious gossip and a liar. Avoid her like plague. She twisted the facts to the point that what she is telling resembles no truth at all.

But in this day and age, having sex with "a lot" of men is not exactly a damning accusation. I mean, how many adult women haven't had more than one sexual partner in their life? First, "a lot" means different things to different people. My grandmothers both would probably have thought that anything outside marriage is "a lot." I'd personally find it hard to put a number to the phrase. I'd also find it distasteful to count somebody else's sex partners.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#3
Jul 14, 2013
 

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Cass wrote:
LW2 - This is even weirder than the first one. First of all, your neighbor is a vicious gossip and a liar. Avoid her like plague. She twisted the facts to the point that what she is telling resembles no truth at all.
But in this day and age, having sex with "a lot" of men is not exactly a damning accusation. I mean, how many adult women haven't had more than one sexual partner in their life? First, "a lot" means different things to different people. My grandmothers both would probably have thought that anything outside marriage is "a lot." I'd personally find it hard to put a number to the phrase. I'd also find it distasteful to count somebody else's sex partners.
I agree.
It makes me wonder whether the friend was really assaulted or is just using it to get attention.

It almost sounds like a variation of Munchhausen's Syndrome... where someone feigns illness for the purpose of getting attention rather than getting well.

“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#4
Jul 14, 2013
 

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1- Your friends are married to jealous and controlling husbands.

2- Wh0 re

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#5
Jul 14, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
2- Wh0 re
After I missed last night's pun, I have taken to reading things out loud.

So your response is pronounced Hoo Ray.( There is no question mark at the end of that, btw)
Hmm

Nashville, TN

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#6
Jul 14, 2013
 
LW1- If she can somehow make one-on-one time with her sister and friends, she should ask them face-to-face what's up but not do this via e-mail or voice mail.

LW2- If the neighbor said anything to others about what LW2 told her, that's out of line. Still, it may be that one of the folks she told could have added the nasty stuff about LW2 being a skunk-spelt-with-an-a instead of the neighbor herself. In other words, gossip almost never stays close to the truth but often adds juicier stuff to keep itself going. LW2 should stay clear of the whole pack
P.S. Could the neighbor have conjured up the account of her own assault to try to get LW2 to fess a confidence for her to blab to make herself seem important? Spilling something that seems personal to encourage others to get their guards down so they'd hand ammo to be used against them later hasn't been unheard of amongst gossips.

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