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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Apr 9, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to your answer to "Bi in the Deep South" (Jan. 2), the woman who is happily married to a man, but who now realizes she is bisexual and wants to come out.

My wife is an out bisexual woman. You were correct that it is possible to be bisexual without having acted on it, as people are not defined solely by the partner they have. Precisely for that reason, some individuals feel that "bisexual" is who they are, and to omit it feels like living a lie.

The notion that stating one's bisexuality is "advertising that one is available" is why my wife chose to come out -- to combat this misconception. Just as straights can be attracted to people of the opposite sex besides their spouse, so might a coupled bisexual person be attracted to other individuals of both genders. Bisexuals, however, are no more likely to act on this attraction than anyone else.

"Bi" should just be herself and tell anyone who needs to know when she feels comfortable telling them. And you're right, Abby -- she should tell her husband first. But if her marriage is as strong and happy as she indicated, I'm pretty sure he already knows. I know I did.-- JON IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR JON: Thank you for writing. The comments I received about that letter were passionate and informed:

DEAR ABBY: Bisexual women and men who begin identifying and clarifying their sexual identities in the context of committed relationships need spaces where they can sort through their understandings of themselves.

A support group that is either counselor- or peer-led, in-person or online, can be an important resource to help "Bi in the Deep South" recognize that others have also experienced what she is going through and she can learn from them. She will see there is a place of support and encouragement where it's OK to talk about what bisexuality means for her. Being part of such a group can be particularly liberating.-- LICENSED COUNSELOR, AUSTIN, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: If "Bi in the Deep South" is comfortable enough with who she is to tell someone, she should not be advised to stay in the closet to any degree. She has the right to be honest with herself and her family and not go through life hiding.

As for posting one's sexual orientation on social media profiles, doing so does not change your relationship status. You can be both "in a committed relationship" and "bisexual." They are not mutually exclusive.-- BI IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST

DEAR ABBY: There is real power in coming out, in voicing your authentic self. There is an emotional cost to remaining silent. Many who do so feel like they are allowing others to assume things about them that are just not true.

I speak from personal experience. I was silent for five years, and the day I started talking about the fact that I am bisexual, I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off me.

I hope "Bi in the Deep South" will find the courage to come out and fly her rainbow colors. Although she may have to correct some people's misconceptions of what it means to identify as bisexual, she will feel much better.-- ROBYN IN MASSACHUSETTS

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#2 Apr 9, 2013
It's 2013! EVERYONE'S bi! And if you're not, you're a goddam h0m0phobe!

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Apr 9, 2013
If you're not going to act on it, then why go through the whole production of "coming out"? If you're going to remain faithful to your spouse, why *burden* your family (and his) with info about your sexual desires?

I just don't see the point. Tell your family you're bi if you're going to be bringing same-sex partners home. Otherwise, shut up. No one cares about your sex life.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#4 Apr 9, 2013
1 Team Red, though I am surprised to hear her take that position, but it is exactly how I see it.

“Colorful Beyond Words ”

Since: May 11

" Live, Laugh, Love "

#5 Apr 9, 2013
Ewww... just tell your husband and maybe you guys can use it in some "fantasy" stuff. I personally don't want to know about it.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#6 Apr 9, 2013
RACE wrote:
1 Team Red, though I am surprised to hear her take that position, but it is exactly how I see it.
I just think, why freak out your parents/siblings unnecessarily? If she were dating women and getting into relationships with them, I'd tell her to expect them to accept her as she is. But at this point? I just think it's whack to essentially tell family members "I'm married but I would love to have sex with other women."
ChicagolandChica

United States

#7 Apr 9, 2013
I am married, monogamous and bisexual.

I am out to my friends, and I don't make a secret of it in general - but I don't mention it to my parents or family because to them it would just be about sex and who wants to talk about sex with their parents? My dad is also fairly conservative (not that he would disown me).

But it's not JUST about sex, Red. It's about self-identity. Sometimes I think about telling them because it helps humanize LGBT people as less "other" and more "someone I know and love". I have an aunt who I am pretty sure is gay but she is SO far back in the closet that she would never admit it to anyone. And I wonder what would happen if I came out to my family.

People who reduce sexuality to being JUST about sex are missing the point, IMHO.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#8 Apr 9, 2013
I donít see the need to announce it to everyone unless you are in a relationship with someone of the same sex. Also I donít believe everyone needs space or a support group. In this day and age women being bisexual is no big deal. Just parley it into a 3-some, have some fun, and not everyone needs to know about it.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#9 Apr 9, 2013
ChicagolandChica wrote:
I am married, monogamous and bisexual.
I am out to my friends, and I don't make a secret of it in general - but I don't mention it to my parents or family because to them it would just be about sex and who wants to talk about sex with their parents? My dad is also fairly conservative (not that he would disown me).
But it's not JUST about sex, Red. It's about self-identity. Sometimes I think about telling them because it helps humanize LGBT people as less "other" and more "someone I know and love". I have an aunt who I am pretty sure is gay but she is SO far back in the closet that she would never admit it to anyone. And I wonder what would happen if I came out to my family.
People who reduce sexuality to being JUST about sex are missing the point, IMHO.
For some people, though, it IS just about sex. Some people who are bisexual are fine with having sex with their own gender, but have no interest in a relationship/dating their own gender.

Since this LW isn't going to be seeking relationships with women, I think she should keep her mouth shut.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 Apr 9, 2013
ChicagolandChica wrote:
I am married, monogamous and bisexual.
I am out to my friends, and I don't make a secret of it in general - but I don't mention it to my parents or family because to them it would just be about sex and who wants to talk about sex with their parents? My dad is also fairly conservative (not that he would disown me).
But it's not JUST about sex, Red. It's about self-identity. Sometimes I think about telling them because it helps humanize LGBT people as less "other" and more "someone I know and love". I have an aunt who I am pretty sure is gay but she is SO far back in the closet that she would never admit it to anyone. And I wonder what would happen if I came out to my family.
People who reduce sexuality to being JUST about sex are missing the point, IMHO.
Unless your husband is givin you a hall pass to get your freak on with another woman, how is the fact that you are attracted to women relevant to the rest of your life? I assume most people would look at you and assume hetero, based on your choice of mate. What exactly do you think you gain by coming out as bi if you're not going to act upon it. I don't care either way, but I don't see a point.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#11 Apr 9, 2013
I dont get this.
What about your self identity needs to be expressed by telling people your bisexual?
I dont feel any need to inform my friends and family that I am straight, so what is the difference? You cant say that its different because people expect you to be straight, because you say its about you, not them.

So, what is this unrequited thing?

And what more is there about being bisexual than the sexual attractions you feel?
ChicagolandChica wrote:
But it's not JUST about sex, Red. It's about self-identity.
People who reduce sexuality to being JUST about sex are missing the point, IMHO.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Lawrence, MA

#12 Apr 9, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
What exactly do you think you gain by coming out as bi if you're not going to act upon it.
She said it's not just about sexual activity, but part of your identity.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#13 Apr 9, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
For some people, though, it IS just about sex. Some people who are bisexual are fine with having sex with their own gender, but have no interest in a relationship/dating their own gender.
Since this LW isn't going to be seeking relationships with women, I think she should keep her mouth shut.
ITA. I know quite a few women like that. They also don't feel the need to be on some LBGT crusade. It's a personal thing to them. Unless you are in a relationship with someone of the same sex, I fail to see why it needs to be broadcasted.

My one buddies wife will check out chicks with me. She's worst that I am. She' frequently says stuff to me along the lines of OMG, Sublime, did you see that one as we walked in. I'm usually like huh, no. I seem to have higher standards than her.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Lawrence, MA

#14 Apr 9, 2013
If a woman wants to marry a man and a woman, who are we as a society to say she can't? Marriage equality for all!

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#15 Apr 9, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
She said it's not just about sexual activity, but part of your identity.
Not everyone feels the need to broadcast their identity to everyone and have this need for everyone to acknowledge who they are. For some folks it's enough that they, themselves, know who they are.
ChicagolandChica

United States

#16 Apr 9, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Unless your husband is givin you a hall pass to get your freak on with another woman, how is the fact that you are attracted to women relevant to the rest of your life? I assume most people would look at you and assume hetero, based on your choice of mate. What exactly do you think you gain by coming out as bi if you're not going to act upon it. I don't care either way, but I don't see a point.
Bisexual people tend to be invisible, especially if they are married or in a long-term relationship. I am assumed to be straight. I want to challenge people's assumptions.

I mean, I don't walk around leering at women or anything. But that's the point, I don't have to "act on it" to be it. It's still part of who I am, and I see no reason to hide it from my friends just because I'm married to a man.
ChicagolandChica

United States

#17 Apr 9, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
Not everyone feels the need to broadcast their identity to everyone and have this need for everyone to acknowledge who they are. For some folks it's enough that they, themselves, know who they are.
I don't broadcast it. I don't walk around telling people at work, "thanks for the e-mail, and by the way, I'm bisexual".

I said I was out and honest about who I am, and I am. I see no reason to hide it, bisexual people are invisible enough as it is.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#18 Apr 9, 2013
ChicagolandChica wrote:
<quoted text>
Bisexual people tend to be invisible, especially if they are married or in a long-term relationship. I am assumed to be straight. I want to challenge people's assumptions.
I mean, I don't walk around leering at women or anything. But that's the point, I don't have to "act on it" to be it. It's still part of who I am, and I see no reason to hide it from my friends just because I'm married to a man.
\]

I agree, being open about it to your friends should be acceptable to them. Even if it IS just about sex, b/c I have convos about sex with my friends, but I wouldn't with my parents.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#19 Apr 9, 2013
Hide what? Your sexual attraction?
If thats it, then you seem to have contradicted yourself.

And what exactly are you challenging? The fact that I would assume you are straight? I assume everyone is straight unless their appearance or actions lead me to believe otherwise.

ChicagolandChica wrote:
<quoted text>
Bisexual people tend to be invisible, especially if they are married or in a long-term relationship. I am assumed to be straight. I want to challenge people's assumptions.
I mean, I don't walk around leering at women or anything. But that's the point, I don't have to "act on it" to be it. It's still part of who I am, and I see no reason to hide it from my friends just because I'm married to a man.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#20 Apr 9, 2013
ChicagolandChica wrote:
I want to challenge people's assumptions.
Why? Still not seeing a point. If you're not acting on your bi tendencies, why do you care?

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