“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Dec 8, 2012
DEAR AMY: My boyfriend and I are in our mid-50s. We have been living together for seven years.

Two weeks ago he was still logged on to our computer when I went to use it. I looked at his email. He had around 40 emails from Match.com . When confronted, he said it was spam and he didn't open any. It had account information that obviously belonged to him.

After about a week, I decided to let it go. He has never given me cause to think he was cheating. Last week I noticed his emails were deleted, but his browsing history showed he had opened them all and looked at pictures. I left for three days.

I love him very much, but I feel as if he's cheating. I don't know what to do.-- Unsure

DEAR UNSURE: It's (remotely) possible that your guy is receiving emails from a previous account or subscription to Match.com . However, you say you've been together for seven years. That information strains this theory because even the most aggressive and "sticky" membership wouldn't stay active over the course of several years -- unless someone encouraged it along by either paying the monthly fee or maintaining an active unpaid subscription.

At the least, your guy is "looking." So far his behavior shows that he is trying to avoid talking about this while simultaneously covering his tracks and hoping not to get caught. Well, he's been caught. Now you two need to communicate about it. You should try to get to the truth here because the nuances of this might make a difference in your decision about this relationship.

If you would be open to the idea of your guy even passively looking at women who contact him through this dating site, then you'll need to tell him so. If you can't tolerate this, he'll have a choice to make between Match.com and you.

DEAR AMY: I am a mother of three boys, ages 5, 3 and 6 months. We recently moved into a new neighborhood. There is a 5-year-old boy, "Peter," who lives a couple of doors down. As time has gone on, we see behaviors in Peter that make us want to limit our son "Randy's" time with him. Peter is aggressive and bullies both of our sons while at our house.

We also discovered that while Randy was playing at Peter's house, his mother was sleeping and their 8-year-old daughter was left "in charge." We witnessed Peter running around the neighborhood tearing down other people's Halloween decorations. Almost every time my son plays with Peter, he comes home with his feelings hurt.

Peter's parents seem like nice people. They want the two boys to be buddies. We are increasingly uncomfortable with this. We know that Peter's behavior will affect our son's behavior. How do we handle this? My husband thinks we should not allow them to play together.

I know that by rejecting their son, we will cause hurt feelings in our neighbors. What do you think?-- Concerned Neighbor

DEAR CONCERNED: Both these boys are very young and can change in many ways. Because of their history (so far), you should not send your son to "Peter's" house, but should invite him over if you and your son want to.

Supervise both boys very closely. Intervene if Peter is destructive or bullying, but give your son opportunities to come up with his own strategies not to be dominated.

You'll have to be honest with these neighbors by saying, "Peter and Randy don't always play well together so we're going to take this very slowly to see how it goes." If it doesn't go well for your family, then it doesn't really matter what these other parents want.

DEAR AMY: "Allergic Fiancee" was worried about her future mother-in-law's refusal to acknowledge her extreme allergic reaction to nuts. Maybe a note from her doctor certifying that this is a serious issue would help.-- Also Allergic

DEAR ALSO: This person shouldn't need permission or proof from her doctor to be believed. If her future mother-in-law has lots of questions about the validity of severe allergies, she could see her own doctor.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 Dec 8, 2012
1- He's got the seven year itch. He needs to decide if he wants to stay with you or move on to someone else.

2- Screw the neighbors and limit your son's contact with this kid. If he hangs around with a troublemaker, he'll become one himself.

3- I'm allergic to rehash.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#3 Dec 8, 2012
2. Cliche- it takes a village to raise a child. When Peter is over at your house, explain in advance what behavior is acceptable and what is not-- at your house. Coach him don't yell at him. You can't control what he does outside ( although you can say--in advance, so he knows YOU know-- it isn't nice to bother Mrs Z's plastic Santa, etc). Once he knows what acceptable behavior is it will grow because he will see that when he acts teh right way people treat him better than when he acts like he does at home

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#4 Dec 8, 2012
I think you're overly optimistic, pe. You can't expect the words of his friend's mother to alter his behavior.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#5 Dec 8, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
I think you're overly optimistic, pe. You can't expect the words of his friend's mother to alter his behavior.
Sometimes kids listen to strangers even more. Familiarity can breed contempt.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#6 Dec 8, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
I think you're overly optimistic, pe. You can't expect the words of his friend's mother to alter his behavior.
Yes, I can, because it worked with a kid down the block who was at our house a fair amount. It is not just words Dog, it is behavior modeling, i.e. showing by example and reinforcing with praise when something is done right.

With no disrespect to either species, look to some of the good animal training programs. The concepts and strategies are similar.

"Leading by example" got to be a truism for a reason.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#7 Dec 8, 2012
Just because you can get him to behave at YOUR house, doesn't mean you're gonna change his behavior elsewhere. He and little Jimmy will just go down the street to the grocery store and wreak havoc on old ladies. And frankly, I disagree with this practice of "co-parenting" someone else's kid. Troublemaking Johnny is his mom's problem and responsibility, not mine.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#8 Dec 8, 2012
LW1: Match is a subscription service. You don't get 40 emails from them unless you are a subscriber. You must know this, so if you "let it go" you are a fool. If I were in your position, I'd create my own account, find his profile, and bust him. Or you could just sit him down and ask him calmly to cancel his subscription and stay with the woman who loves him.

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