Amy 1-1-14

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“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#1
Jan 1, 2014
 
Dear Amy: My boyfriend of almost four years is 31. He has a great job and yet lives at home with his parents. He says he is better off helping his parents financially than paying for his own rent. I agree with this, even though I think he's too old to live at home.

He is super generous with his family; he even lets his little brother use his credit card for major purchases that he wouldn't be able to afford otherwise.

I am bothered that he is so generous with them, and yet so stingy with me. The other day I jokingly asked for $3 and he asked me, "Do you think I'm your bank? I'm not your bank."

He then proceeded to establish that he is not anyone's bank.

I am so disgusted by his statement. How can I tactfully tell him that it's wrong for him to say that to me? Also, if we are going to get married one day, aren't we going to share those things? In marriage, isn't what's mine his, and vice versa?— Fearful Fiancee

Dear Fearful: If you have a guy who responds to a lighthearted loan request by snapping "I'm not your bank," then you have a problem.

I can tell you this with certainty: The day after your wedding, none of these issues will magically resolve themselves — in fact, marriage will likely amplify these extreme differences.

You should face this issue directly. You have a boyfriend who lives with his parents — because he wants to. He chooses to spend his money in specific ways (and not in a way that benefits you or conveys generosity toward you).

None of this will change on its own. Do not get married until you agree on where you will live and how you will divide and/or share your money. After four years of being together, I'd say it's time to force this conversation through professional premarital counseling.

Dear Amy: I need your advice on how to mend a broken relationship with my sister. In the past year we had a falling out over a wedding. Both of our sons were married this past year. Her son announced his engagement first, but my son chose a wedding date that preceded her son's. Both weddings were beautiful in their own ways.

However, because my son and his fiancee got married before her son did, she became abusive toward me and my family. She said some cruel and hurtful things.

I never retaliated; I just let her vent without saying a word.

How do you fix something like this? I am willing to forgive and move on. I want the sister I used to know back.— Sad Sister

Dear Sister: Even though you may use your silence to demonstrate your patience, staying silent while someone yells at you can also seem disengaged and hostile. Also, it's not working.

It could be time for you to speak up. What does your sister want from you? Does she expect you to apologize for something, and if so — what? Are there other issues that she has not been mature enough to discuss like a rational person?

Peacefully initiate a conversation and say that you would like to clear the air between you, and then do your best to listen, but don't forget to talk. Obviously, if she responds by hurling abuse your way, you should not tolerate it. After that, your silence will be golden.

Dear Amy: Regarding the letter from "Insufficient," who was bothered by the loud lovemaking of her upstairs neighbors, I thought your advice was good. But then you shocked me at the end of your column when you said that her neighbors owe her "a bottle of wine and an A*mbien."

Amy, mixing alcohol with a sleep aid is dangerous advice. I was shocked when I read this.— Wide Awake

Dear Awake: Several readers had similar feedback. But here's a tip: When a sentence comes at the end of an answer like that, it's not advice. It's a punch line.(I admit it was a poor one, and I certainly hope no one took it seriously.)

Since: Jan 10

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#2
Jan 1, 2014
 

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L1: your boyfriend sounds like my friend's very Greek boyfriend and his family. Ask yourself wether you want your money to support his relatives once you are married, because that is what will happen if you marry him. How do you like the sound of them gyros?

L2: missing details, please? Like... Did nephew have a date chosen for his wedding then your son chose a date just a week or two before that? It doesn't excuse abusive/hostile behavior, but it would explain it.

L3: "When a sentence comes at the end of an answer like that, it’s not advice. It’s a punch line."

Here's a tip, Amy. You're not funny, so stop trying to be. No more "punch lines."
Cass

Claremont, CA

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#3
Jan 1, 2014
 
LW1 - Dump him. It's 3 and a half years overdue.

LW2 - Amy suggests good questions to ask your sister. Ask them.

LW3 - If you have to explain your punch line or explain that it WAS a punch line, then it wasn't funny.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

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#4
Jan 1, 2014
 
LOL, Red, I was thinking Greek too!
Thanks for the laugh.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#5
Jan 1, 2014
 

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L1 Run. Cut your losses.

2. How are the cousins and their new spouses dealing with this? If it is no big deal ad they remain on good terms, it s your sister's problem .

If the boys and their wives are cold, then there is a larger issue.

3. People don't come to these column for punch lines.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#6
Jan 1, 2014
 
LW1: "Also, if we are going to get married one day,"
Who says you're going toget married one day? Has he proposed? Has he indicated that he wants to gt married someday? Or are you just assuming?

"aren't we going to share those things?"
Not necessarily. Many married folk maintain separate finances. there is no universal answer.
"After four years of being together, I'd say it's time to force this conversation through professional premarital counseling."
Isn't such a thing typically for people engaged to be married? I can' imagine having any interest in takin part in premarital counseling with someone I have not even proposed to.

LW2: Tell her it was not a race nor a competition and to grow the F up.

LW3: Cass?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#7
Jan 1, 2014
 
1 you sound controlling, and you are just not offering a better deal than the one he has.

2 Girl stuff....

3 STFU you prune!
Cass

Claremont, CA

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#8
Jan 1, 2014
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
LW3: Cass?
I swear I did not write to Amby. Although I do share the opinion that mixing booze and sleeping pills is a bad idea.

“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#9
Jan 1, 2014
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
LW1: "Also, if we are going to get married one day,"
Who says you're going to get married one day?
No one

“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#10
Jan 1, 2014
 

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Cass wrote:
mixing booze and sleeping pills is a bad idea.
That's the only way I get to sleep at night!
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#11
Jan 1, 2014
 
1: He won't marry her. He's married to his family.

2: I can't believe people like this exist! Ruining your relationship with a sibling over some dumb wedding date!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#12
Jan 1, 2014
 

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Cass wrote:
<quoted text>
I swear I did not write to Amby. Although I do share the opinion that mixing booze and sleeping pills is a bad idea.
As do most people. It was a friggin joke.

Since: Jan 10

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#13
Jan 1, 2014
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>As do most people. It was a friggin joke.
One that I don't think a nationally syndicated columnist should make. Just like the oft-repeated joke of slipping a little Visine into someone's drink to give them "diarrhea." When actually, it has far more serious side effects, including death. So, not something to joke about. IMHO.

But I can't get too snippy about it, because I don't have many limits when it comes to "what not to joke about." but the main rule is: It should be funny.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#14
Jan 1, 2014
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
So, not something to joke about. IMHO.
I think you can joke about anything and everything. Whether or not you are a success at being funny is a different story, but off limit topics in general? Nope
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
but the main rule is: It should be funny.
Yes.

I agree with Godfrey.
http://www.youtube.com/watch...
Cass

Claremont, CA

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#15
Jan 2, 2014
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>As do most people. It was a friggin joke.
I know.

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